


Dean and Cas and their issues...

by mittensmorgul (MittenWraith)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Archived From Mittensmorgul Blog, Archived From Tumblr, M/M, Meta Essay, Nonfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-19 23:52:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 154,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17011536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MittenWraith/pseuds/mittensmorgul
Summary: A collection of as much of my meta on Castiel, Dean, and their relationship as I can possibly cram onto AO3 before tumblr implodes.





	1. Chapter 1

# Curtain Call for Performing Dean

Dec 7, 2016

158 notes

There’s been a lot of posts recently about Dean getting out of his own way regarding things he enjoys but has never let himself enjoy (at least publicly), and what that means for his personal and emotional growth. Right now I’m rewatching s10, and I’m being forcibly reminded of how this particular recurring theme for Dean really came to the forefront of his character development. And I’m having A LOT of thoughts about the beginnings of this evolution for Dean, and some of the obstacles he’s had to overcome to get here.

This is gonna be long…

Early in s10 Dean was (of course) a demon. He did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and damn the consequences. Appropriate for a damned soul, right? Even fivesomes with Crowley and [these triplets](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.homeofthenutty.com%2Fsupernatural%2Fscreencaps%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D209%26pid%3D254965%23top_display_media&t=ZmE2NTdlNGUzMDVlMzlmOGExMGIzNzJhM2MxZDI4YmJmZGE5MjA1ZixDYjEzc2hMOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F154185516320%2Fcurtain-call-for-performing-dean&m=1) weren’t off the table.

Once he was cured, Dean tried his best to be what he thought was “good.” He tried to push down every “embarrassing” thing he did while he was a demon, trying to deny that any of it was something he’d even want. Rather than admit he was struggling against the mark, he tried to counter it by distancing himself from those urges and denying they even existed, even in the face of his own actions when the power of the mark took control and forced him to act on his “dark” impulses. The “overkill” of the shifter in 10.06, the taunting and snarling in the vampire’s face in 10.07, the literal nightmare come to life of the slaughter of Claire’s captors in 10.09.

(I think the seed of this meta notion was planted by a tiny cup of coffee in 10.06:

> **DEAN** : Real men don’t drink out of cups this small. [He smells the coffee.] What is that cinnamon roll?  
>  **SAM** : It’s uh glazed donut. Look man, if you don’t want it, I…  
>  **DEAN** : Nah, it’s…got it. [takes a sip of the coffee] So, any leads on the scanner or the Interweb?
> 
> our boy drinks donut coffee out of a tiny cup. After complaining it’s not something “real men” do. BUT OF COURSE THEY DO. Dean just felt the compulsion to put up this token protest for the sake of posturing. But it’s clear from his subsequent actions that he doesn’t care if it’s not manly coffee, it smells good and he wants it, so he drinks it. (he just finished working on the car, too, which is something he’s been doing a lot of since his demon-self trashed her without care).

All the while, Dean was overcompensating on things he COULD control. One of the primary ways he approached it was through food. Egg white omelettes that Sam enjoyed (or pretended to) that made Dean gag. the kale wrap sandwich thing. He was also listening to some sort of self-help meditation tape while nibbling on almonds in 10.11. ALMONDS. He was going the full health-nut route here to repress the mark’s influence/his “darker” impulses.

(I mean, he didn’t really get that this darkness in him wasn’t really a part of him, it was the literal Darkness forcing his hand, which is why I keep putting “dark” in quotes here. :P)

After 10.11, and seeing Good Charlie and Dark Charlie reunited (and everything Dean still believed about his own “dark” side, after taking out his anger on Dark Charlie, inadvertently also hurting “Good Charlie”, he tried to seek out a bit more balance in his life.

After denying himself anything unhealthy for the previous run of episodes, all of a sudden something significant has changed. His austerity plan has failed.

It’s interesting to recall that it wasn’t Dark Charlie who killed the Wizard, it was Good Charlie. Throughout the episode she was practically incapable of doing anything immoral even in her own defense, but in the end she crossed that line to save Sam’s life (even while feeling the effects of Dean’s fight with her “Dark” half). In his final chat with Charlie she tells Dean that “Dark Charlie” is “quiet,” and that she has to keep moving forward, and that they’ll find a way to save him.

But Dean doesn’t quite get the lesson. He swings from one extreme to the other, from kale and egg whites to ALL THE THINGS ALL THE TIME. He throws himself into research (the opening montage of Dean reading ALL THE BOOKS in the bunker, and Sam commenting that he hasn’t gone outside in over a week and has read all the lore “over and over and over again.” Guess that’s when he started picking up the info on spells and such that saved Mary in 12.02). He orders a drink and stares it down before finally succumbing and gulping it down, then rubbing the Mark as if waiting for it to explode to life in him again.

After being “reverted” to his 14-year-old self and captured by Hansel, Dean digs into the slice of pink flowery cake like it’s the best thing he’s ever eaten. Dude even started frosting first, licking his fingers after. There wasn’t anyone around to judge him for it.

And remember, at this point, the Mark is temporarily gone. He’s fully Dean here. Young Dean, but still with all his memories of his entire life. He’s just in a young body (with the attendant hormonal trauma that comes along with puberty, but still very much his own adult mind). He blames his teenage body for his physical issues (his voice cracking, his acne, it’s up it’s down it’s up for no reason…), but he  _also_  tries to blame it for the fact that he liked listening to a Taylor Swift song. Even though he’d JUST told Sam that “I’m old me” when Sam asked how he felt. By the end of the episode when Shake It Off is playing on the radio, rather than try and deny his already confessed appreciation for TSwift, Dean smiles and turns it up, much to Sam’s shock.

What would even be the point of denying what he’d already admitted to?

But the look on Dean’s face when he knew what he had to do (ugh right?) to save Sam and Tina was to transform himself back into his adult self, Mark and all. He had a chance to maybe life a “normal” life without the Mark and he gave it up in order to defeat the witch. Choices, choices.

(now they need to find… another way)

The very first shot of Dean in the very next episode is the infamous Croissookie scene. Dean was feeling a little more comfortable with himself. Contrary to the previous episode, this time it’s Dean who finds the hunt. Dean’s trying to feel his way through this shaky new state of balance, and he goes so far to the opposite end of the spectrum from almonds and meditation tapes that we see him not once but twice serving himself up an entire cafeteria tray overflowing with every type of food imaginable. If austerity isn’t going to work, maybe indulgence will.

(sort of reminds me of Cas asking Dean in 5.14 if he believes he’s well adjusted, and Dean denies it with, “God, no. I’m just well fed.” I’m thinking this is the same self-deluded mindset he’s approaching his experimental overindulgence with here in s10.)

Dean then gives the vengeful spirit some very similar advice to what Charlie gave him in 10.11:

> But take it from me, the more you kill the crazier you’ll get, the blood fuels the rage. So it looks like to me you got two choices: you could keep killing, and become something you don’t recognize; or you can move on, ‘cause that is the only thing that will give you peace. So it’s up to you man, pain or peace. 

(with the additional note that the “pain or peace” line really reminds me of Castiel’s “peace or freedom” line at the end of 5.22… as well as Zombie Karen’s line about peace or pain re: keeping the truth from Bobby)

By the end of the episode, Dean is telling Sam that where he finds his own peace is through helping people and working cases, and driving themselves to the edge in a desperate hunt for the cure isn’t helping. He firmly believes the cure to the Mark lies within him, and it’s up to him to manage it the best he can.

(in a very “keep grinding” kind of way, when comparing this to his drive to save Cas in s11)

Unfortunately for Dean, this is all shot to hell in the next episode. His quest for balance breaks right along with him as he’s forced to give in to the Mark, take up the blade, and kill Cain.

(insert Cain’s prophecy that Dean’s living his life in reverse and will eventually kill Crowley, Cas, and Sam before finally becoming what Cain always has been… which we know was subverted step by step through the rest of s10, which is really the beginning of all the “flipping the script” moments throughout s11 and now moving on into s12.)

In 10.15 Dean’s again confronted with cake. (Chocolate!) Sam holds out a hand to stop Dean (who’d already cheerfully accepted the offer for a slice), so Dean reaches out and swipes a finger through the icing, covertly hiding it behind his back until he can eat it without Sam “Judgy McJudgypants” Winchester seeing.

  


*Quick side note to remind everyone that the cop there said his “partner” made the cake. Desk Sergeants don’t have partners (in the cop sense of the word “partners”), but people often refer to their same-sex romantic partners as “my partner.” So is that what he means here? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ *

The rest of the episode revolves around a parasitic “monster” that forces its host to essentially drink themselves to death. Not on alcohol, but on  _anything_. Water, blood, gasoline… anything. And it turns out the cure involves dehydrating, or denying the creature what it wants, until it has to flee its host. Then it was a simple matter of squishing it under his boot heel.

(aside to remind everyone of the burger joint scene where Dean says, “When in doubt, eat.”)

(so much for Dean’s overindulgence plan)

10.16 involves denying desires and practicing austerity through devoting your life to God (aka, nuns). Dean struggles with his life and his choices… *see the approximately 5123910p9236578 words of meta written on the confessional scene for elaboration if you really need to*

Dean doesn’t really get to do a lot more eating the rest of the season as he falls more and more under the sway of the Mark. He orders nachos and beer, but gets distracted from actually eating by hustling a bunch of obnoxious college boys out of their money at pool. Then instead of killing Crowley they end up having a drink together and talking about family.

By 10.18 Dean’s forgetting to eat altogether, forgetting to buy food… but then when his whole family is together he’s the pizza man, having what felt ominously like a “last supper” sort of event… and that’s not far off the mark.

Dean starts going off the rails again, having given up trying to feed himself, and instead feeding the mark (by going off to slaughter whole nests of vampires on his own).

Dean’s been reverting rapidly back toward the pre-Demon Dean version of himself from the end of s9 (not eating, not sleeping). In 10.23 he finds an abandoned Mexican restaurant and cooks up a feast as an offering for Death.

With the mark gone, Dean doesn’t have to play this careful game of balancing anymore. The things he’d been doing to try and maintain some control in his life are now just… things he can choose or not choose to do without consequence.

Well, aside from the Judgy McJudgypants side-eyes from Sam, or his own internal judgment of “it’s not manly.”

*inserts the entire contents of my “[Performing Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing%20dean)” tag here*

To Dean, food has been a very easy and obvious means of feeling like he has some sort of control over his life, both through the complete loss of control due to the Mark, but also due to the out of control nature of most of the rest of his life, too. He has so very little control of so much of his life, but the one thing he CAN control is this mask he puts on in order to get through his days.

It seems to be slipping faster and faster in s12, especially now that Mary is back and the foundations of what “normal” even means based on the scant memories he had from his life before her death are getting flipped upside down.

She doesn’t cook, she’d continued hunting in secret even after he was born, and maybe she wasn’t this sainted image that he’d held in his mind and allowed to influence his every choice throughout his life…

He’d largely based his relationship with Lisa on what he thought was “normal” based on his memories of Mary, after all. When that relationship failed, HE felt like the failure, because he wasn’t able to live up to that image he had in his head.

Now, though, he’s having to reassess everything.

So when we point to how quickly he goes in 12.07 from hating on everything Hollywood (and showing up looking like a lumberjack…) to rocking the perfect skinny jeans and indoor sunglasses, sipping on the vegetable water and telling Judgy Sam to shut up about it (and he’s not telling Sam to shut up because he thinks Sam is judging him, but because he knows Sam knows that Dean was just putting up a front before when he mocked Sam for drinking the water).

(does that even make sense? it does to me)

Sam still doesn’t know everything that lies behind Dean’s performing mask. He told Vince’s manager that Dean played drums when it should’ve been obvious that Dean would say he played guitar after the little impromptu concert in Vince’s hotel room, but Sam didn’t pick up on it, so he’s not 100% paying attention here. Not to mention that it technically was ALL a lie just to get that meeting with her in the first place. It shouldn’t have mattered what instruments they told her they played, yet Dean still awkwardly made a point of correcting Sam and inserting the instrument he actually associated himself with. Pointlessly. Making that whole scene just that much more uncomfortable.

But Dean’s showing signs of letting this mask drop more and more.

In 12.05 he actually ordered a piece of cake, in public, in front of Sam, and ate it. All casual like. After YEARS of griping at Sam that he didn’t like cake.

So, you know, there’s a not-insignificant chunk of subtext going on here. I did not imagine all of this. I didn’t make it up. I am not reading too much into this. It exists, in text, as a MAJOR aspect of Dean’s character and emotional expression.

This isn’t just about food, either. It’s about this entire front that Dean has kept up, this image he’s always felt he needed to maintain, to fit the ideal of a manly-man hunter that John (and let’s be honest, society in general) had trained him to fulfill. We know he finally admitted to loving chick flicks, and that was just the tip of the iceberg here. Slowly but surely, Dean’s “personal script” is getting flipped. Shorts. cake, donut flavored coffee in tiny cups, vegetable water, skinny jeans, cooking, “being the smart one” (via the fact that he’s practically memorized every lore book in the bunker library and hacks into practically anything at the drop of a hat).

He found balance at the end of s11, and now he’s working to expand that into more of his life. It’s not easy to give up that mask. That mask is safety, a wall to deflect the world with. But with episodes like 11.19 and 12.06 showing him a much broader picture of hunters, a more open and tolerant and accepting community than he’d ever believed possible, not to mention feeling his way into a real relationship with Mary where they’re BOTH getting to know each other for real for the first time. In more ways than one, Dean is beginning to realize that he has a chance to get a do-over. A mulligan. He can start discarding parts of his mask and letting himself enjoy things he’s always denied himself openly.

~~maybe even weird, dorky little angels of the lord~~

[spn s10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s10) [spn s11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11) [spn s12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12) [oh dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-dean) [character development](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/character-development) [dean vs pie vs cake](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-vs-pie-vs-cake) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [there's too many episodes to tag them all](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/there%27s-too-many-episodes-to-tag-them-all)[everybody gets a mulligan](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/everybody-gets-a-mulligan) [also oh my god wtf was up with sam's hair in s10? i'd forgotten about the soccer mom bob](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/also-oh-my-god-wtf-was-up-with-sam%27s-hair-in-s10%3F-i%27d-forgotten-about-the-soccer-mom-bob) [subversion and inversion](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/subversion-and-inversion)

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

[Jan 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/155443621415/i-dont-know-if-ive-asked-this-yet-but-which-do)

158 notes

**[rionaofblue](http://rionaofblue.tumblr.com/) asked: I don't know if I've asked this yet but which do you prefer more: soft, sweet, clueless Cas or badass angel Castiel?**

I like it when he’s both.

I mean, Agent Beyonce? Who earns a side-eye from everyone he introduces himself to, but then earns the trust of those people enough that they follow up with him on what seems beyond belief, but  _dammit that Agent Beyonce guy was right_?

Yeah. That’s Cas in a nutshell. His methods are uniquely him, and the best Cas combines his vast knowledge and understanding of the universe with a sweet sort of fledgling innocence, but never lets us forget that he’s so much more.

I love that scene there in 8.21, because it captures both so perfectly.

*cries at Ben Edlund for a lil bit*

He’s just sitting there, looking a bit rumpled and sad, sipping coffee despite it just being a “cover” to allow him to sit at Biggersons. He needs to “blend in” in order to stay (the waitress was gonna kick him out unless he ordered something). But he  _doesn’t even intend to stay long_. Yet he quietly adapts to what would be expected of a human being in that situation, even though he’s gone before the waitress even returns, you know?

Then he pops to another Biggersons, and orders the coffee without needing to be told again that he had to. Yet, he’s still incredibly, awkwardly clueless. Well, not clueless, exactly. Just too preoccupied with the badassery he’s perpetrating to bother “performing humanity correctly.”

Yet in some ways, by 8.21 he was  _reflexively performing humanity correctly_. In  fact his chosen method of evading the angels hunting him there was specifically  _to blend in with humanity_ , in the form of one of the most homogeneous establishments in human culture: a chain restaurant. He’d come a long way from, say 6.03 with his “rusty people skills.” 

He, a liminal being encompassing both humanity and angel, chose the liminal space of a chain restaurant to enact a radical act of physics. It still freaking blows my mind. For my money, it’s one of the most badass things we’ve ever seen Cas do.

I can’t even express in words how badass this was. *continues crying at Edlund*

But what’s he doing the entire time he’s sitting there, drinking coffee and casually manipulating the laws of physics to his advantage? He’s prattling on about how he’d watched humanity discover coffee by observing goats eating the berries, marveling at human inventiveness and sort of freaking out the waitress…

So, yeah. Cas is definitely both. Like, at the same time. I love him.

[kajuned](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/kajuned) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [spn 8.21](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.21) [i will never recover from that scene tbh](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-will-never-recover-from-that-scene-tbh) [actual quote i just used elsewhere: Damn Ben Edlund](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/actual-quote-i-just-used-elsewhere%3A-Damn-Ben-Edlund) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [okay imma go cry a lil bit more now](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/okay-imma-go-cry-a-lil-bit-more-now)

 

Apr 19, 2017

60 notes

5.14:

Same, Cas. Same.

Lizbob was laughing at me earlier because I’m in the middle of this seemingly long stretch of episodes that involve Major Fandom Disagreements. And this is one of them. Because of this ^^

Under a cut because JIMINY CHRISTMAS THIS ONE GOT LONG…

I will preface this episode review post with this disclaimer: CASTIEL’S LOVE OF CHEESEBURGERS IN THIS EPISODE IS NOT “PROOF” THAT JIMMY’S SOUL WAS STILL IN CASTIEL’S VESSEL AFTER 4.22.

Because everything else about s5 DISPROVES that Jimmy’s soul was still in there. I mean, if you believe that Cas being blown up by Lucifer in 5.22 was what “killed” Jimmy and sent his soul to Heaven, then why wouldn’t Cas being killed IN THE EXACT SAME FASHION by Raphael in 4.22 have done the same? You can’t have it both ways. Either being torn apart on a molecular level by an archangel kills a vessel or it doesn’t. If it does, Jimmy died in 4.22. If it doesn’t, then HE SHOULD STILL BE IN THERE, BUT CAS SAID DEFINITIVELY THAT HE’S BEEN IN HEAVEN FOR YEARS.

Since 4.22.

But, you might say BUT THEN WHY WOULD CAS HAVE BLAMED HIS HUNGER FOR RED MEAT ON HIS VESSEL? NAME CHECKING JIMMY SPECIFICALLY?!

Uh, angels aren’t incapable of lying, or deflecting the truth. And EVERYTHING about Cas’s body language in that scene screams prevarication.

**Castiel:**  It’s my vessel – Jimmy. His, uh, appetite for red meat has been touched by Famine’s effect.

Dude’s shifty as FUCK okay? He doesn’t want to admit how “human” he was becoming, cut off from Heaven. He spent all of s5 in a slow slide from grace. He couldn’t heal Bobby in 5.02, he couldn’t hunt Raphael alone in 5.03, he couldn’t smite Meg in 5.10, in 5.13 booping Sam and Dean back in 1978 nearly kills him, in 5.16 he’s reduced to trying to communicate with Dean in heaven via radio and a tv, and after 5.18 he’s rendered utterly human AND BRAIN DEAD FOR A TIME. I mean, he’s forced to use a GUN in 5.21 and a holy oil molitov in 5.22 because he’s just got no juice left. None. BUT IF HE’S NOT AN ANGEL THEN WHAT THE HELL IS HE?! He is terrified, that’s what. And this is his version of Denial.

He can’t even look at Dean when he says it. He’s been staring at Dean wide eyed up to this point, but when Dean questions it, he looks down at the burger, hesitates, and then blames his vessel as he BODILY TURNS AWAY FROM DEAN because he is so far in denial…

Okay, for those who don’t believe that and will only take Word Of God (aka authorial intent) as proof? [BEN EDLUND SAID THE SAME DAMN THING](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159579521875/i-always-reserve-in-castiels-overall-makeup-the):

_“I always reserve in Castiel’s overall makeup the fact that there is an aspect of him that is purely flesh and purely human, which can function as it did in an episode before as a real Achilles’ heel, when he started to eat meat, because he just loved red meat. He couldn’t stop himself.”_

I.e., THAT WAS ALL CAS. In his very own human body, with his very own human desires and feelings and tastes and vulnerabilities.

**Castiel** : I’ve developed a taste for ground beef.  
 **Dean** : Well, have you even tried to stop it?  
 **Castiel** : I’m an angel. I can stop anytime I want.

BUT HE VERY CLEARLY COULD NOT STOP. So what does that mean about the rest of his argument there– that because he was an ANGEL he could stop whenever he wanted.

(insert “he’s no angel” tag here)

Okay, now that we have that all squared away, on with the fun!

*pushes play*

*regrets pushing play while watching a couple literally eat each other to death*

It’s Valentine’s day, and Dean and Sam have no real leads on the case, but Sam expects Dean to go out to celebrate Unattached Drifter Christmas. But Dean’s “not feeling it.”

**SAM** That’s when a dog doesn’t eat– That’s when you know something’s really wrong.  
 **DEAN** Remarkably patronizing concern duly noted. Nothing’s wrong. We gonna work or what?

Dean doesn’t acknowledge that anything is wrong, because he feels… fine. I mean, he’s not troubled about anything. He’s not feeling the need to Perform anything.

Like in 12.18 we’ve been talking about how Dean uses sex as a coping mechanism. How he’s used alcohol, fighting, hunting even, not to mention LITERAL medications to self-medicate. Those are his go-to self-soothing things.

So if Famine blows into town and magnifies everyone’s desires, makes them “rabid” for the things they want– like the cupid’s couple who were so starved for physical affection they tried to consume one another, like the second couple in the office who wanted to be Everything And All to each other without anything ever coming between them and ended up in a suicide pact so nothing would ever come between them again–

( **JIM** I don’t know, baby. Seems like whatever we do, something in life is always gonna keep us apart– Work, family, sleep . **JANICE** Now prison, maybe… **JIM** Maybe. But I think I have an idea…How we can stay together…forever…)

Like Cas giving in to his VERY HUMAN HUNGER for cheeseburgers (I miss you PB&J), and Sam giving in to his lust for demon blood… DEAN WAS NOT UNAFFECTED BY FAMINE.

It’s what Dean was literally starving for– to be whole, to not NEED any of his coping mechanisms, to be able to drop the performance and just BE himself. Of course Famine would see it this way:

**FAMINE** :  That’s one deep, dark nothing you got there, Dean. Can’t fill it, can you? Not with food or drink. Not even with sex.   
 **DEAN** Oh, you’re so full of crap.  
 **FAMINE** Oh, you can smirk and joke and lie to your brother, lie to yourself, but not to me! I can see inside you, Dean. I can see how broken you are, how defeated. You can’t win, and you know it. But you just keep fighting. Just… keep going through the motions. You’re not hungry, Dean, because inside, you’re already…dead.

The smirking and joking? That’s Performing Dean. The “empty” bit isn’t Dean being “dead inside,” but the part of Dean that can reject the performance, that doesn’t NEED to be “filled,” because it’s already at peace with itself.

* * *

I am sort of skipping around here a bit… back to the morgue. Dean is amused by the coroner dude. So am I. That doesn’t bode well for the dude. The life expectancy of side characters who Dean finds amusing (like the guy Dean likes because he says “okey dokey”) usually drops to around zero.

[Originally posted by supermishaqueen](https://tmblr.co/ZK7Hci21B2jxq)

Ew, Dean.

But the heart is the key, Sam recognizes the Enochian letter on it, so Dean calls Cas.

[Originally posted by godshipsit](https://tmblr.co/ZiTNfi21kdHoo)

I don’t know what’s come over me. I don’t usually infuse these things with a lot of pics and gifs, but I like this episode. (ง’̀-‘́)ง

I think part of it lies in this significant thing that has also been a theme during s12 (and even during s11):

The DIFFERENCE between Sam’s reaction and Dean’s reaction to Cas.

When Cas asserts that a cupid has gone rogue and they have to stop him before he kills again… I mean, someone please offer me a non-desitel-related explanation for this difference, because I can’t find one anywhere.

(I am not actually soliciting non-destiel readings of this scene. I truly do not care about non-destiel readings of this scene. I’m just being hyperbolic)

But aside from the fact that everyone is in agreement about the cupid’s “handshake” technique

what do we really learn from meeting this particular cupid?

**DEAN** Why does heaven care if Harry meets Sally?  
 **CUPID** Oh, mostly they don’t. You know, certain bloodlines, certain destinies. Oh, like yours.  
 **SAM** What?  
 **CUPID** Yeah, the union of John and Mary Winchester–Very big deal upstairs, top priority arrangement. Mm.  
 **DEAN** Are you saying that you fixed-up our parents?  
 **CUPID** Well, not me, but… Yeah. Well, it wasn’t easy, either. Ooh, they couldn’t stand each other at first. But when we were done with them–Perfect couple.  
 **DEAN** Perfect?  
 **CUPID** Yeah.  
 **DEAN** They’re dead!  
 **CUPID** I’m sorry, but… the orders were very clear. You and Sam needed to be born. Your parents were just, uh…meant to be. (sings) A match made in heaven- heaven!  
(Dean punches Cupid)

So heaven wanted John and Mary to get together. After 5.13 and what Michael told Dean about his “destiny,” this just adds another horrifying layer to all of that. Because “Destiny” was being rigged by heaven. Angels literally were the “agents of fate,” pulling every cosmic string to get all the pieces to line up exactly to bring on the apocalypse.

HORRIFYING.

John and Mary couldn’t stand each other at first, until the event Dean described in 12.01 about how John and Mary started dating?

**Dean:**  Dad told me. March 23, 1972 you walked out of a movie theater,  _Slaughterhouse-Five_ , you loved it. And you bumped into a big marine and knocked him on his ass. You were embarrassed and he laughed it off, said you could make it up to him with a cup of coffee. So you went to, uh, Maroni’s, and you talked and he was cute, and he knew the words to every Zeppelin song, so when he asked you for your number you gave it to him even though you knew your dad would be pissed. That was the night that you met-

So they couldn’t stand each other BEFORE this intervention by the cupid, who probably shoved the two of them into each other right there…

Like the instant change of heart that came over the two dudes in the bar in 8.23 after the cupid touched them. EVEN DEAN NOTICED THE CHANGE IN THEM.

* * *

Okay, back to the show, slightly out of order again, because I keep pausing it to go on mental tangents… I’m not constrained by the time limits of the TNT loop. Hooray for Blu-Rays. :P

*Dean absolutely COVERS his burger in ketchup, just like he does in 12.18, but here in 5.14 he doesn’t have an appetite for it. He’s not trying to “fill the void” inside himself. Instead, Cas takes his burger… like Dean eventually does to Cas’s burger in 10.09… but Cas doesn’t even get a bite before he spots the cupid and chases him down*

*the cupid hugs the crap out of Dean, then Cas, then Sam, then Cas makes him cry, then Dean punches him, and Cas tells Dean he hurt the cupid’s feelings… :P*

*have I mentioned how much I love this episode?*

**SAM** You just punched a Cupid!  
 **DEAN** I punched a dick!  
 **SAM** Um…Are we gonna talk about what’s been up with you lately or not?  
 **DEAN** Or not.

(something finally required Dean “self-medicating”, finally shattered the relative Calm he’d achieved so far this episode, and he lashed out)

*blah blah blah Famine blah blah I already covered the rest of this in the first section of this post…*

Sam doesn’t hunger for the blood itself, but for the power it gives him.

Just like Dean doesn’t hunger for food or sex or alcohol or violence. They’re just tools to help him manage. They are a performance.

* * *

I mentioned this in another review recently… maybe even the one for 12.10, but this is the EXACT scene Sam lampshaded for us outside the diner. In 5.14:

**DEAN** Demons. You want to go over the plan again? Hey, happy meal. The plan?  
 **CASTIEL** I take the knife, I go in, I cut off the ring hand of Famine, and I meet you back here in the parking lot.  
 **DEAN** Well, that sounds foolproof. (Castiel disappears) This is taking too long. (Dean gets out of the car)

Dean gave Cas like TEN WHOLE SECONDS before he decided it was taking too long. And he was right to be worried. Cas was completely overcome by Famine.

And in 12.10, after Cas goes into the diner alone, Dean is pacing grumpily for maybe a minute or two before Sam mutters under his breath:

**SAM** : And you’re gonna storm in right… now. 

Sam knows.

* * *

But Famine here gives Sam and Dean VERY SIMILAR ASSESSMENTS of themselves, yet puts Sam’s situation in a “positive” light and Dean’s in a “negative” light… because he is bound to Lucifer. He’s “fattening Sam up” for Lucifer. He doesn’t care one jot about Dean. What for Dean was a vast void of emptiness that he’d never be able to fill (dead inside!) for Sam is a blessing  _for the exact same reason_. Context matters…

**FAMINE** Stop! No one lays a finger on this sweet little boy. Sam, I see you got the snack I sent you.  
 **SAM** You sent?  
 **FAMINE** Don’t worry. You’re not like everyone else. You’ll never die from drinking too much. You’re the exception that proves the rule. Just the way…Satan wanted you to be. So… (Famine lifts his hands and gestures at the demons guarding him)…cut their throats. Have at them!

Sam gets ONE GLORIOUS VICTORY here, but it came at the price of him giving in to his hunger for power:

**FAMINE** I’m a Horseman, Sam. Your power doesn’t work on me.  
 **SAM** You’re right. But it will work on them. (Sam uses his power to rip out all the souls Famine consumed)

So he has to be locked in detox again. At the very end, we finally see a crack in Dean–

**CASTIEL** That’s not him in there. Not really.  
 **DEAN** I know.  
 **CASTIEL** Dean, Sam just has to get it out of his system. Then he’ll be–  
 **DEAN** Listen, I just, uh…I just need to get some air.  
[Dean goes outside and looks up at the sky]  
 **DEAN** Please…I can’t…I need some help. Please?

Praying to God for help, Dean? When you had an angel by your side a moment ago who was more than willing to help? Right, Famine’s influence is gone. Your Calm Center is gone too. You can’t let yourself feel okay with Cas anymore. Not to mention a part of his “peacefulness” throughout the episode was due to Sam being “okay.” And he’s so not okay right now…

What is Dean’s hunger? Not to be hungry for anything. To have Cas by his side (though maybe not on a burger binge), to have Sam happy and healthy and whole– and wholly human. To know they’re all working together. To trust them both completely and have them trust him in return.

ETA: Because Heck while rereading this I forgot: It’s been said plenty of times before, but this is also a huge part of why Sam controls everything he eats. BECAUSE HE NEEDS THAT CONTROL. It’s self-medicating the same way Dean’s self-medicating with what HE can control for himself.

I think a lot of both Sam’s performance of “normality” and Dean’s Performing Dean persona are coping mechanisms, and are rooted in the very same need to have any sort of control over their lives.

[spn 5.14](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.14) [s12 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-meta-rewatch) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [actual quote i just used elsewhere: Damn Ben Edlund](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/actual-quote-i-just-used-elsewhere%3A-Damn-Ben-Edlund) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [angels and vessels](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-vessels) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls) [spn 5.13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.13) [spn 12.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.01) [spn 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.18) [spn 10.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.09) [spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10)

 

[my favorite thing cas has ever done in canon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-always-cite-this-as-my-favorite-thing-cas-has-ever-done-in-canon) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

[Apr 21, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159847240135/i-am-so-looking-forward-to-that-scene-fro-the)

94 notes

**Anonymous asked: I am so looking forward to that scene fro the promo pics where das is touching Cas' belly. I love these scenes where Cas meets children, becuause there you have this ancient creature of celestial wrath and get him into the presence of a child and he just melts. Remeber that scene with the little girl in s10? I feel like this might be one of those moments. Also, I hope that maybe the scene will truly tackle the philosophcal and moral dillema that he faces.I have such high hopes for this episode.**

Oh gosh yeah, [that scene in 10.02](http://canonspngifs.tumblr.com/post/129658735418) where he’s talking to the girl and she’s telling him all about her dream… and he’s just like… amazed by this human child’s imagination.

(incidentally written by Andrew Dabb)

Or [that time in 8.10](http://canonspngifs.tumblr.com/post/134352970925/verifascinating-theseweirddreams-we-were) where he’d gone off on his own for a while and was just popping in to heal random babies.

Or [that time in 9.06](http://canonspngifs.tumblr.com/post/153212635997/garretthavke-believe-it-or-not-im-walkin-on) where he not only sweetly takes care of a lil baby, he heartbreakingly identifies with it:

**CASTIEL** (to the baby): Nobody told you. Nobody explained. You’re just … shoved out kicking and screaming into this human life, without any idea why any of it feels the way it feels, or why this confusion, which feels like it’s … a hair’s breadth (The baby stops crying.) from terror or pain. You know, just when you think you do understand, it’ll turn out you’re wrong. You didn’t understand anything at all. Guess that’s just how it is when you’re new at this. You know, it wasn’t that long ago when all I’d need to do to ease your pain was touch you.

Yeah, he cares. I mean, one of his first ever interactions with Dean at the end of 4.07, the two of them are sitting on park benches watching the children of the town play happily, oblivious to the fact that their entire town had nearly been blotted off the map a day earlier (if Uriel had gotten his way, it would’ve been, but Cas had been praying that Dean would save the town).

And with the regret he feels over not only Lily Sunder’s human child, but the nephilim Cas himself killed in 8.22 as part of Metatron’s spell… I think he’s open to choosing another way than he has in the past, when he felt he had no other choice. He’s not going to trust anyone else’s word on what the fate of this child should be. He’s learned his lesson after trusting Ishim and Metatron…

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [spn 4.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.07) [spn 9.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.06) [spn 8.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.22) [spn 10.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.02) [spn 8.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.10) [spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10)[you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 30, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160164762805/lol-even-the-speaking-in-general-terms-of)

65 notes

**Anonymous asked: Lol even the speaking in general terms of affection/endearment is a romantic trop:P Lots of couples you know are gonna eventually get together do it, and it's for the reasons you stated; feeling are dangerous and scary. But i agree, i struggled with why Cas was being mlnd-controlled yet again (running out of ideas, writers?) but i look at it now as just part of his character arc. Loss of agency, loss of sense of self, ties into his inner struggles arc. And it will take a lot this time.**

Yeah, because he’s sort of been emotionally adrift since s9. He may not have chosen to tear out his grace and become human, but it happened to him anyway. He was tossed to earth without a safety net and circumstances conspired to make it a rather horrible experience.

But then the only way he could continue to be useful (and not end up dead at the hands of angels) was to steal grace and become an angel again, that was also NOT HIS CHOICE. He did what he had to do.

But ever since then he’s been sort of coasting along, sort of unable to reconcile what he’d experienced as a human with this sort of “not quite an angel, not quite a man” situation he’s been in ever since. Even after getting his own grace back, he’s still never felt like he was 100% restored to that state he’d been in before he lost his grace.

With his grace now sort of layered atop his human feelings, I think he’s felt torn. The grace may have given him access to his “original factory settings,” his original purpose and need to serve, to have a mission. But now he’s still got that full understanding of Free Will that he hadn’t lost when he took on that grace again.

It’s been a major conflict for him. He’s felt divided, still with that impulse of loyalty to Heaven, yet the more he’s become a true part of the Winchester family the more he really wants to be there. But he doesn’t really understand  _how_ , because the grace part of him is crossing his circuits, I think.

He’s still relating to them as a guardian angel, as a protector, and not someone they feel equally protective of.

And here’s where my other anon comes in to more plainly state what I’m trying to get at here:

_Castiel’s deep need for faith, purpose and a clear mission is nothing new really. He has to have a cause to believe in, something to enable him to fight and survive. For the Winchesters to become true family for him he has to let go of them as an obligation, a mission, a cause. And that scares the crap out of him because he doesn’t know how else to love them, if he doesn’t bleed what use is he? I think Cas’ biggest hurdle isn’t TO love, but letting himself BE loved and all that comes with it._

Because that’s pretty concise. :D

[spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

[Jun 2, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161370233950/it-isnt-that-the-angels-were-good-for-cas-or)

28 notes

**Anonymous asked: It isn't that the angels were GOOD for Cas, or that him turning his back on them in the end isn't ultimately for the best. But the narrative is telling us that out of an entire ancient species, you have ONE that is good enough to have any sort of future and that's because he's the most human. In fact, he won't get a happy ending until he becomes fully human. He doesn't get to have friends and the few that likes him dies. There's so little nuance because the show is relentlessly human-centric.**

Well, yeah.

Hannah was probably the angel who came closest to understanding, and she decided that humanity wasn’t for angels. Free will wasn’t something angels could have. And that it was wrong for angels to impose their will over the humans who were willing to be their vessels on Earth.

Cas really is in a unique position. I mean as far as we know he’s the only angel who’s alone in his vessel, other than Lucifer now I suppose. He’s the only one who has a human body built just for him. He is fundamentally different from all the other angels.

I… don’t really get what nuance you expect from a story that is, at its core, about humanity, from the point of view of a character we refer to as Dean “Humanity” Winchester. In a universe where God himself has held Dean up as the exemplar of his entire creation. From 11.22:

**Chuck** : The world needed to be born! And you wouldn’t let me! Amara, you give me no choice.  
 **Amara** : That’s your story. Not mine. The real reason you banished me, why I couldn’t be allowed to exist… you couldn’t stand it. No, we were equals. We weren’t great or powerful, because we stood only in relation to each other. You think you made the archangels to bring light? No. You made them to create lesser beings, to make you large, to make you Lord. It was ego! You wanted to be big!  
 **Chuck** : That’s true. But it isn’t the whole truth. There’s a value, a glory in creation… that’s greater and truer than my pride or my ego. Call it grace, call it being! Whatever it is, it didn’t come from my hands. It was there… waiting to be born. It just is, as you and I just were. Since you’ve been freed, I know that you’ve seen it. Felt it.

Then they both look at Dean as the proof of his claim. I mean, it’s not subtle.

Angels aren’t the pinnacle of creation in the Supernatural universe. People are. Cas has truly spent more of himself trying to show the angels another way, to teach them about art, hope, love, and dreams. He’s been frustrated with that for more than half the series now. Let him rest already. It shouldn’t be his job to try to save all of heaven. And he’s finally beginning to understand that in s12.

 

[Jun 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161393093030/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly)

146 notes

**Anonymous asked: I think it's horrifically sad that people genuinly believe that the only thing that has ever mattered for Cas is Dean. However the situation is now, heaven and the other angels were Castiel's FAMILY for millions of years. Just imagine the trauma and feelings of lonliness for a creature that old to not have a friend that shares his history, to speak of things that humans will just not GET. The writers have reduced Cas' entire world into just the Winchesters, and how is that a good thing?**

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak](https://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/161386802472/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):

> [tinkdw](https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/161382043337/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>
>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161374634530/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>
>>> [tinkdw](https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/161364852872/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>>
>>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161363238535/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>>>
>>>>> I… don’t see any of this?
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t know of anything in canon that indicates that  “the only thing that has ever mattered for Cas is Dean.”
>>>>> 
>>>>> In fact, I’d dare say the exact opposite is true. Cas has always cared about humanity in general. He’s always had “too much heart.” (So said Samandriel) He’s always resisted obeying Heaven’s orders. (So said Naomi, and Hester, and… pretty much every angel who’s ever known him…)
>>>>> 
>>>>> Yes, those other angels, who were his FAMILY for millions of years, who reprogrammed him over and over again every time he showed that “too much heart.” Every time he tried to show the rest of them something greater than just following those orders, from trying to enforce some kind of “destiny.”
>>>>> 
>>>>> We get his disillusionment in full technicolor even as far back as 6.20– his sense of guilt, his sense of obligation to wrangle all the angels around to seeing the potential they’re missing out on.
>>>>> 
>>>>> **CASTIEL** No. No one leads us anymore. We’re all free to make our own choices and to choose our own fates.  
>  **RACHEL** What does God want?  
>  **CASTIEL** God wants you to have freedom.  
>  **RACHEL** But what does he want us to do with it?
>>>>> 
>>>>> It must be the crack in his chassis, because he seems to be the only angel who really, truly understands this. He desperately wants the angels to just  _understand_  this, and they just… don’t. He despairs of them, yet still feels personally responsible for saving them from what Raphael plans to do. Maybe, just maybe, if he stops Raphael from restarting the apocalypse, then MAYBE the rest of the angels might learn to exercise the freedom (and free will) that he’s been trying to show them all along.
>>>>> 
>>>>> God doesn’t want them to do anything, he wants them to decide what to do for themselves.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And Cas is pretty much the only angel who really gets it.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And Sam and Dean (and especially Dean) has been there to help him through his disappointment, frustration, and disillusionment in dealing with Heaven, going all the way back to s4. We see it continue throughout s5 when Dean helps Cas after God essentially abandons all of creation, refusing to do anything about the apocalypse.
>>>>> 
>>>>> Cas was the ONLY angel willing to defy Heaven, Hell, Destiny, and GOD to save humanity. And he didn’t do it grudgingly. He CHOSE it, because it felt like the right thing for him to do. And then he immediately was thrown back into an impossible situation where he was being asked to do it all AGAIN.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And HE STILL CHOSE TO DEFEND HUMANITY, even against all of Heaven, on his own. Not because he was eager to save Heaven… but so that he could protect Dean.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I mean, that was his CHOICE.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t think the writers are saying AT ALL that Cas feels bereft of a friend who truly understands him, or truly sympathizes with him, or that Cas laments the loss of the “family” that has done nothing but reject him and dismiss him and use him and abuse him for most of that very long life.
>>>>> 
>>>>> For a very long time he did feel guilty and a sense of obligation to help them, but that’s worn really thin over the last few years. There’s only so many times someone can be blatantly and forcefully rejected by one’s “family” before one gives that family the ol’ heave ho.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t think the writers are trying to tell a story in which Cas is rejecting a loving and supportive family. We’ve been witnessing his trauma and feelings of loneliness for a long time. Heck, so much of his s10 arc (which still feels shunted off to the side toward the end of the season as the Darkness arc was being set up), and DEFINITELY his s11 arc were DIRECTLY ABOUT Cas’s sense of loneliness and abandonment and disconnect from his Heavenly family.
>>>>> 
>>>>> It was driven home with iron spikes in 11.02:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **CASTIEL** : Mercy, brother, please!  
>  **EFRAM** : Brother? Ha! What are you?  
>  **CASTIEL** : W-what? I’m an angel of the Lord.  
>  **EFRAM** : That so? ‘Cause, near as I can tell, when you have to choose between heaven and the Winchesters …  
>  **JONAH** : You choose them.  
>  **EFRAM** : Every time. So, see, you’re not my brother. And if I had it my way, I’d take this blade, stick it in your heart … and call that a damn good day.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And if that wasn’t enough:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **HANNAH** : I saved you.  
>  **CASTIEL** : No. I don’t think you did. I think that you told Efram and Jonah to bring me here and to hurt me, and so you arranged to – to … to burst in and save me. You were hoping that I would be so grateful that I would do anything you said, that I would tell you anything that you wanted to know. Why, Hannah? We were friends.  
>  **HANNAH** : That was before you freed Metatron … Before … The other angels, they hate you.  
>  **CASTIEL** : And what about you? Do you hate me?  
>  **EFRAM** : (both Efram and Jonah enter the room again) It doesn’t matter. We took a vote – democracy in action – and … Hannah’s doing the job.  
>  **CASTIEL** : I won’t give you Sam and Dean.  
>  **EFRAM** : Sure you will.  
>  **JONAH** : We’re gonna hack your brain.
>>>>> 
>>>>> This is that “family” you mentioned. This is the “family” that Cas has tried to protect Sam and Dean from since s4. He won’t just hand over Sam and Dean to them to be tortured and killed. Because that’s what they intended to do with Cas, so how much worse would it be for Sam and Dean?
>>>>> 
>>>>> It’s not like the angels have been working hard to support and accept and understand Cas. It doesn’t do a lot for his sense of guilt or loyalty to Heaven…
>>>>> 
>>>>> Then in 11.10:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Ambriel** : Are you going to kill me?  
>  **Castiel** : Is that what they say, that I kill angels?  
>  **Ambriel** : Well, that’s the nicest thing they say. Well, maybe we can work together… so no-one murders anyone.
>>>>> 
>>>>> and
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Castiel** : I never wanted this, you know. To be hated by my own kind, I never-  
>  **Ambriel** : Oh no, I don’t hate you, Castiel.  
>  **Castiel** : Thank you.  
>  **Ambriel** : I mean, we have a lot in common. Our names rhyme, that’s a big one. I look good in a trench coat too, and we’re both expendable.  
>  **Castiel** : Excuse me?  
>  **Ambriel** : Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I’m a number cruncher and you-you like I said, I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So if the Darkness is still alive and she’s pissed and she kills us, no big loss. So sure, maybe we’re not super important, but we do the job. I think there’s nobility in that.
>>>>> 
>>>>> and if that’s not enough, Amara rubs it in…
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Amara** : She’s right you know, you are expendable and weak. And why God took a special interest in you, I’ll never understand. My brother always did have horrible taste in men. 
>>>>> 
>>>>> Cas’s Netflix binge in early s11, hiding out in the bunker at a time when that was the ONLY place he could turn. Heaven had fully rejected him. That family would rather he was DEAD than accept him back.
>>>>> 
>>>>> While I can understand why someone might feel hopeful that Cas had at least some part of his Heavenly family that he remained close with, like immigrants to a new country who feel culturally adrift but for the support of one’s family… but that’s not been Cas’s experience at all.
>>>> 
>>>> I hope you don’t mind me adding to this as we often do, if you do, let me know I’ll blog separately :)
>>>> 
>>>> I love all this and it is all very true however my final conclusion is not quite the same.
>>>> 
>>>> “God doesn’t want them to do anything, he wants them to decide what to do for themselves. And Cas is pretty much the only angel who really gets it.”
>>>> 
>>>> For me Cas is not the only one, we had Samandriel, we had Hannah who TRIED to do her best, released her vessel as she felt guilty for taking away her free will, only did what she did to Cas in the end as she felt backed into a corner and was trying to work for the greater good as Cas nearly always does himself (how is this any worse than Cas manipulating then killing the other Angel to take his grace or breaking Sam’s wall for the greater good).
>>>> 
>>>> The first Angel we ever met literally chose to rip out her own grace in a bid to obtain Free Will and her own agency. Gabriel was the epitome of Free Will and agency in an Angel and Balthazar gave it a good go. Gadreel ultimately did the right thing, by choice.
>>>> 
>>>> We also have the two fishing Angels who literally DID decide what to do for themselves and were the perfect example of this, just wanting to be left alone and choosing their own agency.
>>>> 
>>>> So although I do agree with all your points about Cas x family specifically and the Angels, I dont put ALL the Angels in the same box.
>>>> 
>>>> In fact I think a huge part of the show is showing precisely that you cannot generalise like this, that each person makes their own choices and decisions and isn’t held to a wider stereotype or path that is foretold or shown as one that they can’t stray from if they choose to.
>>>> 
>>>> So I hope that in the end Cas specifically does choose to leave the Angels as a whole but not in an all together negative way and that the Angels are shown as not all being the same, perhaps he has a good relationship with one or two Angels by the end, to show precisely that they’re NOT all the same. Though he has rejected the overall group of them due to his experience and own choices, it doesn’t mean they’re all the same and all in the same box of being Dick Angels, because that for me would be a shame for the show’s overall themes of self governance and agency…
>>> 
>>> Hrm.., I almost did take you up on your offer to delete this reply and post it separately, because it rather distracts from the point I was trying to make specifically about Cas. But you are right… up to a point. Because I think most of the angels you used as examples here only serve to prove my point that Cas is truly different from the vast majority of them.
>>> 
>>> Let’s go over this list:
>>> 
>>> **Samandriel** : We actually know very little about him. We know from 8.02 that he liked and admired Cas. He was the one, after all, who believed that Cas had “too much heart.”  Which he considered a “problem.” Not that he felt negatively about Cas caring so much, but that it was literally his downfall and the reason he died (because at that time Dean made it sound like Cas HAD died in Purgatory). Yet at the auction Samandriel was unwilling (or unable) to protect Kevin Tran.
>>> 
>>> **Hannah** : I have very complicated feelings about Hannah. You said at the end (in 11.02) she felt “backed into a corner” and thought she was acting for the greater good. All Cas wanted was to be healed of the spell that was slowly killing him. He’d been perfectly willing to go back to Heaven and accept their punishment for his part in releasing the Darkness. He even had a long discussion with Hannah about the fact that it was released. She admits that she can’t heal him because it’s powerful magic, but then begins demanding answers from him. When he tells her he doesn’t know where Sam and Dean are (which is the truth), she raises her voice at him. And that’s when he begins suspecting that s _he had arranged the entire torture session herself._  She’d set herself up to barge in playing “good cop” and get the answers out of Cas,  _because he trusted her_. Honestly the fastest way to gain Cas’s cooperation,  _if that had been what she truly wanted_ , would’ve been to heal him and then recruit him to help Heaven fight the darkness. Because  _that was his intention in praying for help in the first place_. Heaven didn’t want the Winchesters to get their HELP.
>>> 
>>> I’m not saying this is better or worse than anything Cas has done. He did slaughter a lot of angels back in 7.01 just to “punish” them for not siding with him against Raphael. He was not exactly himself at the time… He also did a lot of shady crap during s6, but all of it spiraled out of control from his initial decision to stand up to Raphael and do everything in his power to keep the Winchesters out of the entire mess. Things… rapidly went sideways and continued to go more and more sideways as events unfolded… But at the end, Cas did believe that Hannah had tried to use him to get to the Winchesters– not because she thought they could help defeat the Darkness, but because they needed to be punished. Just like Hannah wanted Cas to punish Dean waaaay back in s9. And even then, Cas tried to do what he could to save her, even at that moment he felt personally betrayed by her.
>>> 
>>> **Anna** : I’ll give you Anna. She obviously didn’t choose to rip out her grace lightly. She truly did want to experience humanity for herself, and in the end she took her grace back as an act of self-sacrifice on behalf of humans. So. Yeah. Cas wasn’t completely unique in that regard. He is unique in that Naomi’s reprogramming didn’t stick, like it did with Anna…
>>> 
>>> **Gabriel** : I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that he was the epitome of free will and agency in an angel. Yeah, he did run away from Heaven. He didn’t want any part in the fighting. He just wanted it to be over. He enjoyed himself immensely fucking around on Earth, messing with humans in frankly disturbing ways. I mean, just look what he did to Sam. And he claimed to LIKE Sam. If that’s how you treat your friends… Well, yeah, he exercised a lot of free will, choosing to spent most of his existence pretending to be something he wasn’t just to avoid dealing with what he actually was. He saw humanity as an interesting distraction for the most part, until Dean called him out on it. 
>>> 
>>> **LUCIFER** : So you’re willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches. Why?  
>  **GABRIEL** : Because Dad was right. They are better than us.  
>  **LUCIFER** : They are broken. Flawed! Abortions.  
>  **GABRIEL** : Damn right they’re flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino! I’ve been riding the pine a long time. But I’m in the game now, and I’m not on your side, or Michael’s. I’m on theirs.
>>> 
>>> It took him right to the end of that episode to stand up and pick a side. And yeah, in the end he did pick Humanity. So I’ll give him points for trying.
>>> 
>>> **Gadreel** : I’ll give you Gadreel. He had his own personal issues that were very different from Cas’s, but he was easily deceived into trusting the wrong people… and ended up paying for it with his life.
>>> 
>>> **The Fishing Angels, Adina and Daniel** : I’ll give you them, as well. They were keen to understand humanity and free will for themselves. Who knows if their vessels appreciated it, but heck, they were trying. And they just wanted to be left alone and not dragged back to heaven for disobeying orders and killing the first angel sent to retrieve them. It was agonizing watching poor Cas trying to mediate this conversation when Hannah refused to bend from her orders:
>>> 
>>> **DANIEL** : I can assure you…Had he just left us alone, no one would’ve been harmed.  
>  **HANNAH** : His orders were to not leave you alone. And you killed him.  
>  **DANIEL** : And heaven sends two more. What is it about us angels that we can’t seem to get the message?  
>  **HANNAH** : Perhaps it is you who has failed to get the message? All of us serve at heaven’s command.  
>  **DANIEL** : I suppose. But that was before the fall, wasn’t it?  
>  **HANNAH** : You are an angel, once and forever.  
>  **DANIEL** : Dropped unwillingly…Unknowingly…Into a strange land, a land that, as it turns out, celebrates the free, the individual. For the first time in thousands of years, I have choices. And with each choice… I begin to discover who I really am.  
>  **HANNAH** : This is nonsense.  
>  **DANIEL** : Because they don’t teach you this in heaven? Perhaps they should. Then you would understand why it’s worth fighting for.  
>  **HANNAH** : He’s taunting us.  
>  **CASTIEL** : And then what? We kill him?  
>  **HANNAH** : Or he kills us? There are orders.
>>> 
>>> Daniel sounds shockingly like Cas here, yet even though this is EXACTLY what Cas had been trying to explain to other angels since s6, He tries to mediate, but was doomed to fail:
>>> 
>>> **DANIEL** : What I’ll never understand is why angels won’t acknowledge the wisdom to be found down here.  
>  **HANNAH** : What wisdom is to be gained from humans?  
>  **DANIEL** : I’m not speaking to you.  
>  **HANNAH** : Do you understand what he’s… Fine. But if you are to be free, that is to be decided by all angels.  
>  **DANIEL** : There’s that angelic irony.  
>  **ADINA** : We’re not going back there. Not ever.  
>  **DANIEL** : Adina. This is Hannah and Castiel. Stow the blade, please.  
>  **ADINA** : When she stows hers.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Hannah, what are you doing?  
>  **ADINA** : We’ll never get a chance to argue our freedom from a prison cell.  
>  **HANNAH** : You should’ve thought of that before slaughtering one of your own.  
>  **DANIEL** : No, no. We were talking. We were getting somewhere.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Okay, everybody just –  
>  **HANNAH** : You want to be free? Go ahead. Be free.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Hannah. Stop this. No. Daniel. No!
>>> 
>>> Hannah never intended to just let them go. It was either return to heaven to face punishment (imprisonment, torture, death), or die on the spot. Obviously she began to take a slightly different attitude about what might be learned from humans, but he still never conceded that angels might be able to change this way.
>>> 
>>> Heck, I think Daniel and Adina were far better examples of what Cas hoped for the angels to be than Hannah ever was.
>>> 
>>> And I’ll give you one more you didn’t ask for:  **Naomi**. All along she truly did believe that she was working for the greater good, manipulating and reprogramming angels who were “broken” and rejected their orders. Until she learned the truth from Metatron and was willing to listen to Cas and give him a chance to explain his side of things in 8.23. Her last words that we ever hear:
>>> 
>>> **NAOMI** : Our mission was to protect what God created. I don’t know when we forgot that. I want nothing more than to see you shut the Gates of Hell, but I told you that you could trust me. If Sam completes those trials, he is going to die.  
>  **DEAN** : What the hell are you talking about?  
>  **NAOMI** : I saw it in Metatron’s head. It was always God’s intention – the ultimate sacrifice. As for you, Castiel, I beg of you, stop this path. Metatron has been neutralized. If you want back in, truly, I will listen.
>>> 
>>> But it was too late… Cas didn’t believe her. She’d already burned all her bridges by what she’d done to him all along. By the time Cas learned she’d been telling him the truth, it was too late for him, too.
>>> 
>>> * * *
>>> 
>>> I do agree with you that whatever angels are left (since as far as I know there are no living Named Angels in the story currently) hopefully some of them are able to make their own choices like Daniel and Adina did in the end. But overall, I just think that the way angels have been portrayed– even to the extent that they’ve been metaphorically likened to computers, with an “operating system” and “programming” that can be manipulated– is that they essentially lack free will. It’s not that they reject free will, it literally was not included in the kit. It’s the one thing that really differentiates angels from humanity.
>>> 
>>> The show’s themes of self governance and agency have never really applied to the vast majority of angels. Those are, after all, HUMAN things. from 6.20:
>>> 
>>> **CASTIEL** Raphael…No. The Apocalypse doesn’t have to be fought!  
>  **RAPHAEL** Of course it does. It’s God’s will.  
>  **CASTIEL** How can you say that?!  
>  **RAPHAEL** Because it’s what I want.  
>  **CASTIEL** Well, the other angels won’t let you.  
>  **RAPHAEL** Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They’re soldiers. They weren’t built for freedom. They were built to follow.  
>  **CASTIEL** Then I won’t let you.  
>  **RAPHAEL** Really? You?
>>> 
>>> Yes, many angels were willing to follow Castiel after that, but none of them had been willing to lead the revolt… Even Cas had his doubts that he was doing the right thing, right up until the end.
>>> 
>>> Angels weren’t built for freedom. For the vast majority of them, it’s not even part of their programming. Heck, maybe that’ll change with most of Heaven’s ruling structure in shambles now, but who knows? I don’t think the story has ever really been about the other angels learning the value of free will and what it means to be human for themselves. That’s Cas’s story. I honestly do not care whether one other single angel ever learns what free will is for themselves. I don’t think it’s the story that Supernatural has ever tried to tell us.
>> 
>> Ah ok :) for me I really do care if the Angels are addressed in the end in this way as it is a part of the overall theme of Agency and Free Will and obv I’ve read their story differently, so that’s why I care but I totally get that you don’t so I understand!
>> 
>> For me the the fact that they have to be reprogrammed / sent to Bible camp is what cements it for me, that they do have Free Will available in their kit. Because you don’t have to brainwash sheep. Having to be controlled in this way proves to me that if they weren’t some (I’m not saying all) of them would choose their own path or choose to remain as they are but by choice, not by force, especially now that their mission is over, unless they can be given a new mission, to just care for Humanity again, which is I hope where this is all leading through the Cas is the Angels’ Jesus subtext, but that’s just my opinion and it’s so subtextual it’s not clear at all that is where they’re going with it yet at all.
>> 
>> Thank you for responding, it’s all very interesting to see your pov as you know it all so deeply! I totally agree with you about Cas’s rejection of the Angels in itself and as for the initial point the anon was making - that some people think Cas does everything for Dean, pfff, I’m totally with you on all that as usual :)
> 
> I saw this post yesterday night (well, minus the additions from today) and I had something to say but it was late and I was tired so I decided to add my thing today and guess what, I don’t really remember where I meant to go.
> 
> Well, I remember that I wanted to say that reading the narrative of Cas and the angels though an interpretative key of the metaphor for a trans kid in a family with varying degrees of transphobia, from outright violent negation to a lack of understanding, is effective. At least personally, I find that if you read the narrative under that light (which was strongly suggested by season 12), it does sheds interesting lights on the narrative even when you take away the metaphor.
> 
> But trans kid metaphor aside, thing is, I think we can’t really make a discourse on free will without featuring identity in it. Choice and identity are sides of the same coin and identity requires agency to be built and agency requires identity to exist.
> 
> You have been discussing about in what degree angels are really unable of free will, since there is a need for forceful reprogramming. But I think that the issue of “what is included exactly in the angel kit” is not really fecund unless you take the issue of identity into consideration.
> 
> No angel but Anna (and angels who made her same choice before her, since it’s implied she’s not the first angel to have their grace ripped away and be reborn as a human) - setting Cas aside for the moment - have ever rejected an angel identity. In that Anna is truly different than a Balthazar or a Daniel and Adina. It’s not about a mere issue of free will and angelicness. It’s almost like the step further back, if it makes sense - it’s about angelic identity in the first place.
> 
> There is a confusion among the angels about what free will means in relation to angelicness and humanity. Hannah says that the things that come out of individuality are human things. Daniel mentions “the free, the individual”. Angels appear to be very distinct in their individuality - ever since season 4 they went around saying no emotions blah blah but Cas and Uriel were immediately perceivable as individuals with distinct personalities and emotions. You immediately call bullshit on the angelic company line because, duh.
> 
> It’s almost like there is a choice at the root of angels’ rejection of “free will” and it’s a choice of angelic identity that does not really make sense because, I think, it’s supposed not to make sense. Angels all show a degree of personality that is unique to each of them.  But they cling to that  _artificial_  angelic identity because we angels, them humans. And it doesn’t  _work_  because it’s made-up and forced, and you’ll always have angels who “stray” because the ideal of what an angel is is exactly that - an ideal, just like femininity and masculinity are ideals and a woman or a man will be a woman or a man, but in their own unique declination of that identity. Does it make sense?
> 
> Cas’ narrative fits in a space that is not the “angels and free will” space. Balthazar’s fit there. Daniel’s and Adina’s fit there. Gabriel’s fit there a bit ambiguously, in the sense that he started at the opposite extremity of the free will spectrum and ended up choosing free will, but also stated that what he was doing was choosing the humans’ side, so he wasn’t absolutely choosing free will for the sake of it, if you get what I mean.
> 
> Cas’ narrative is about identity in a sense that the issue of free will is an integral part of but is almost tangential to, under some aspects.
> 
> The angels did not reject Cas for “choosing free will”, whatever that means (because let’s be real, it’s so vague, and it’s supposed to be). Yes, he made that mess with the Raphael war and some good ol’ slaughter of angels but okay, it happens, we can fix this. The angels did not reject Cas for caring for humanity. A lot of angels do/did, and sure, the ramifications of the concept are a bit controversial among angels but we can sit at a table and talk.
> 
> The angels rejected Cas for a matter of identity. “i don’t see an angel staring back at me”. Cas’ loyalty to the Winchesters isn’t seen as a matter of actions, but of identity, they reject Cas for what he is (what they perceive him to be, and, well, they’re pretty accurate in their assessment) not, strictly speaking, something he does.
> 
> Even back in season 7 the issue wasn’t even the slaughter in heaven  _in itself_. It was how Cas was perceived as inherently corrupted by Dean. And that became progressively clearer as Cas himself started experiencing identity issues, “as an angel or a man”. The more Cas feels human the more the angels reject him the more his feeling of not belonging with the angels is reinforced and so it goes.
> 
> The angels’ problem with Cas, basically, is that  _ **Cas does not adhere to their normative ideal of angelhood**_. And we return to the metaphor of the trans kid anyway, because Cas’ identity journey is so strongly queer-coded that it’s easy to see  _ **angelhood as a normative identitarian concept and the angels’ rejection of Cas a consequence of Cas’ inability (a mixture of “I was born this way” - the crack in the chassis he’s always had, apparently - and choice of behavior and group affiliation - humanity/the Winchesters/Dean in particular).**_

Yeah, and this is what made me uncomfortable about answering the original question, and then running off along this particular tangent just to reply to the others.

Because Cas’s primary story for… at least since the beginning of s9, has been WHAT ARE YOU, WHO ARE YOU. Are you an angel or a man?

And yeah, we don’t know his entire history, or the reasons he’d had in the past for disobeying orders, but we know that he’s been forced to confront these questions very directly since s9.

The other angels are the ones who keep pushing him to choose– not just where his loyalty lies, but  _what he is_. It’s often couched in terms of loyalty, like in 12.19:

**Kelvin** : You’re doing the right thing, you know. Committing to Joshua’s plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean, your reputation in Heaven is-  
 **Castiel** : This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters. I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and to keep them safe from Dagon, and I – I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.

But Kelvin was implying that “committing to Joshua’s plan” meant that Cas had rejected his humanity. Cas clarified that without hesitation that he had not.

Going all the way back to 9.01 though:

**YOUNG WOMAN**  : Castiel. We met in Heaven. My name is Hael.  
 **CASTIEL** : You’re an angel.  
 **YOUNG WOMAN** : Am I? What’s an angel without its wings?

Some of the angels were okay with this sudden and traumatic change in their identity. Most were really, really not.

**CASTIEL** : I didn’t want to hurt any of them. I want to help you. I will devote my life to helping you all.  
 **HAEL** : Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Help angels? After what you did? They don’t want your help, Castiel. They want your head.  
 **CASTIEL** : You’re wrong. I’m one of you. I will never stop being one of you.

Cas’s story has always been different from the vast majority of other angels for this exact reason. I pointed out in my original reply that it’s partly due to the fact that (like Anna) he is alone in his vessel. He’s not borrowing it from a human soul still in residence. He is at his core something truly unique, and his story isn’t just about free will or choice, but coming to an understanding of what he is and what he wants to be.

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [it's not a shippy thing it's an 'are you an angel or a man' thing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it%27s-not-a-shippy-thing-it%27s-an-%27are-you-an-angel-or-a-man%27-thing) [this has been his primary character arc FOR YEARS in a way that it has never been for any other angel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-has-been-his-primary-character-arc-FOR-YEARS-in-a-way-that-it-has-never-been-for-any-other-angel) [no other angel has ever faced this sort of choice](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/no-other-angel-has-ever-faced-this-sort-of-choice) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

[Jul 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/162562780120/since-i-have-a-really-hard-time-navigating)

16 notes

**[rionaofblue](http://rionaofblue.tumblr.com/) asked: (Since I have a really hard time navigating through your blog, I'll just ask here) Castiel was often presented as not knowing how to be human. He was clumsy. I remember him having a fight with a drink dispenser, and trying to eat toothpaste, and complaining about the need to use the toilet. Does this mean Castiel has no recollection of his one-year life as Emmanuel? I know he was still an angel but I think Daphne would have encouraged him to sleep and eat and play human. Any thoughts?**

Yeah, I don’t think he was actually Emmanuel for all that long. A lot of the s7 episodes follow one right after the other, especially toward the beginning of s7. I think the longest obvious time jump is after 7.10, which the superwiki lists as being 4 weeks. I think at most there may be 6 months between 7.01 and 7.17, and the other hunter Dean talks to about Emmanuel says this:

**MACKEY** : Look, what you called about – I might have something for you. There’s this guy. He goes by “Emmanuel.” He kind of roams. First started hearing about him a couple of months back. How he was healing the sick, curing the crazy.

So it’s plausible that Emmanuel only appeared back on Earth around that time, a “couple of months.”

I do think he remembers his time as Emmanuel, but I don’t think Daphne would’ve pushed him to eat or sleep or play human. 

**EMMANUEL/CASTIE** L: A few months ago, she was hiking by the river, and I wandered into her path, drenched and confused, and… unclothed. I had no memory. She said… God wanted her to find me.

Again confirming the “few months ago” timeline, and that “God wanted her to find” him.

**MEG** : You’re an angel.  
 **EMMANUEL** / **CASTIEL** : I’m sorry? Is that a flirtation?  
 **MEG** : No, it’s a species. A very powerful one.  
 **DEAN** : She’s not lying. Okay? That’s why you heal people. You don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.

Dean mentions he doesn’t eat, and Cas doesn’t deny it. I’m partial to the theory that Daphne was literally sent by God to babysit Cas. I don’t think she would’ve tried to force him to act human when he literally wasn’t human.

As to his awkwardness in s9 with human things, it’s one thing for him to observe these strange human rituals as an angel, where he probably found them mildly peripherally interesting, and another thing to suddenly NEED to do all of these things, suddenly not only feeling confined to that human body, but almost at the mercy of that body’s constant needs. It’s gotta be overwhelming.

(and oh gosh *I* have trouble finding stuff on my blog too so I totally sympathize… I have too many tags. I swear I’m trying to clean them up but at this point it’s a sisyphean task, but to the best of my knowledge, all episode posts are tagged “spn s.e” where s is the season and e is the episode number, and posts that reference multiple episodes in a season are tagged “spn sX” where x is the season number)

[spn 7.17](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.17)

 

[Jul 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/162611173460/anytime-i-read-fic-where-dean-calls-cas-angel-as)

59 notes

**Anonymous asked: Anytime I read fic where Dean calls Cas "angel" as a pet name, I think of Cas confusedly calling Dean "human".**

SAME.

That’s the hilarious version. There is also the potentially owie version– if Cas has recently fallen (especially if it wasn’t his choice to do so), and Dean’s trying to be comforting or reassuring and calls him angel, it might have the opposite effect… at least until Dean can explain that Cas will always be his angel, and then he might salvage that one, but ow…

Let’s go back to the humorous version I think I like that one better.

Or when Cas does eventually choose to be human, if Dean called him angel Cas would just roll his eyes and remind Dean that he doesn’t actually think that’s a compliment, after all he did choose to be human. :P

[destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [in case that one person who once asked me to tag all my human cas stuff](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/in-case-that-one-person-who-once-asked-me-to-tag-all-my-human-cas-stuff) [gentle reminder the show is making that a distinct possibility](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/gentle-reminder-the-show-is-making-that-a-distinct-possibility) [so i'm probably not gonna keep tagging it forever...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/so-i%27m-probably-not-gonna-keep-tagging-it-forever...)

 

[Sep 24, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165697810970/what-do-you-think-of-cas-talking-about-how-he)

25 notes

**Anonymous asked: What do you think of Cas talking about how he never really understood emotions or regrets til he was human in 9x11? I think he feels emotions as an angel, so I always kind of interpreted it as he never realized how hard it actually was til he was in a human's shoes and without powers. Tho I just saw someone talking about how ooc that scene was. What do you think?**

Hi hi. This sorta makes me nervous to reply to, because I have no idea what post you’re referring to, or how that person was talking about Cas in 9.11 as being ooc, specifically, so I feel like I’m walking into a potential minefield right from the jump. Thanks for that!

So with the disclaimer that I have zero idea what post you’re referring to, compounded by your statement that you think Cas feels emotions as an angel so anything I respond with is automatically confrontational just on that level, but I do believe Cas there in that scene in 9.11.

And I’ve written about it numerous times in the past, so this is just my off-the-cuff attempt to rehash multiple thousands of words of meta into a short(ish) reply, and not in fact any sort of groundbreaking new line of thinking here. For that, I have a tag for that episode, several different “cas vs humanity” tags with many more posts on this topic, which I have spent a considerable amount of time and effort into writing… at least more time and effort than it takes to reflexively dismiss Things I Don’t Wike as “OOC” without actually committing any additional mental energy into explaining WHY.

I think Castiel’s entire character arc beginning in 4.01 is this journey of understanding about himself, and about humanity. I’m actually in the process of writing a HUUUUUGE long treatise on this exact thing, which at this rate is probably gonna take a month to compile… it’s just too much… :P

Beginning in 4.07 we learn that Cas has doubts, and that this is NOT NORMAL for an angel to experience. Cas told us himself in 4.02 that angels are soldiers, warriors of God, and not (in Dean’s words) Michael Landon. Angels serve God and Heaven’s orders. Period. They don’t question those orders. And yet, after just a few episodes Cas is already veering from that “programming.”

Because yes, we learn later (and pieces of this information don’t fully come to our attention until S8 when we meet Naomi and can understand what being sent back to Heaven for “Bible Boot Camp” actually means for an angel… torture, literally poking around inside their basic wiring and “fixing” them so they don’t question their orders anymore…), angels are reprogrammable, rebootable. If they “break,” just switch them off and back on again. If that doesn’t fix them, you can tinker with their software until they’re in perfect working order again.

How can a being that’s so completely malleable like that (and its implied that Cas has been “fixed” this way before) truly understand human free will and emotions?

By 4.22, Cas had just had a fresh round of reprogramming in Heaven and had walked away from Dean at the end of 4.20 with the reminder that he serves Heaven, not man, and certainly not  _Dean_. He questions what is even so worth saving about humanity, since all he could see was pain, guilt, anger… He couldn’t understand  _why_ humans would choose to endure suffering when they could be at peace. Dean lays it all out for him: BECAUSE IT’S REAL, and not some charade. Cas begins to understand. He makes his first major gesture of rebellion against his orders, and is cast out of Heaven because of it.

He struggles with the consequences of his choices all through s5, coming very close to becoming human himself by the end, but he is restored to his old angelic self in 5.22 and tries to teach what he’d learned about humanity to the rest of the angels, teaching them that they don’t have to follow Heaven’s orders, that they can observe and experience the glory of humanity for themselves if they want. But in s6 he takes that to an extreme that’s entirely untenable…

Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean you can do  _whatever_  you want. Or so Dean told him in 6.20. But Cas still doesn’t get it. He’s just replaced the notion of “God’s will” with his own will, and willfully trampled over everyone else’s free will in the process… That’s just not how any of this works, and it took dying in 7.01 for him to understand his hubris, and to repent for his actions.

Throughout s8, he dealt with all of this in a horrifyingly disillusioning fashion, this tenuous balance between what he believed were entirely his own choices that were influenced (without his conscious awareness) by Naomi’s orders to him all season long. He believed he was acting fully of his own volition, but had been manipulated by Naomi from the start. He was actively prevented from making amends for his s6 actions, and that had to cause a lot of internal conflict for him.

He knew he wanted to redeem himself to Dean, to make amends with Heaven, to do whatever he could to atone for his actions… and for reasons he couldn’t understand, he was prevented from doing so, yanked around by the narrative against his will again.

It took him falling and becoming fully human to be free of that angelic programming that has the capacity to override these sorts of “human things” like a complete understanding of human emotions. All through early s9 he begins to understand humanity in a way he never could as an “observer.” BEING human is not at all the same as STUDYING humans, you know?

And that scene in 9.11 is just two episodes after he steals another angel’s grace in a situation where he felt that was his ONLY option. He had no other choice, he did what he had to do. He referred to what he’d done as “barbaric.” I mean, he is not happy with what he was forced to do there. And two episodes later he’s lamenting the loss of his ability to connect with human things now that he’d been “graced up” again.

How is that out of character?

HE LIKED BEING HUMAN. HE REGRETTED WHAT HE’D DONE IN 9.09. HE FELT LIKE HE’D BEEN FORCED TO SACRIFICE THAT EXPERIENCE OF HUMANITY BECAUSE OF HIS DUTY.

I don’t doubt that angels have feelings. It’s clear that they have ~some~ kind of feelings. But what they feel is in no way akin to human feelings. And that’s how I understood his lament in 9.11, that he regretted the loss of his ability to feel these things  _as a human does_ , instead of how an angel does.

Even in s10, when we meet other angels who refuse to return to Heaven and want to be left alone to experience the wonders of life on Earth, we have some compare/contrast examples between how Cas experienced humanity in his very own body AS A HUMAN, as opposed to how other angels who are inhabiting vessels that are still occupied by human souls. Hannah was our MAIN pov on just how unusual Cas really is in this respect. And I think this is significant, from 10.07:

**HANNAH** : I’m sorry, Castiel. I’m not going with you. I’m done. It’s hard letting go… of a story, a mission. But what of the humans whose lives we sacrifice in the name of that mission?  
 **CASTIEL** : What of them?  
 **HANNAH** : We always said the humans were our original mission. Maybe it’s time, Castiel – time to put them first.  
 **CASTIEL** : Where is all this coming from?  
 **HANNAH** : Being on earth, working with you, I’ve felt things. Human things – passions, hungers. To shower, feel water on my skin… to get closer to you. But all of that was nothing compared to what I felt when I saw him.  
Her husband – his anger and his grief. And Caroline was inside of me, screaming out for him, for her life back. These f-feelings, they aren’t for me, for us. They belong to her. I know it’s time to step aside.  
[Hannah smiles, leans forward and kisses Castiel on the cheek. Castiel nods.]  
Goodbye, Castiel.

This is how an angel occupying a vessel understands these “human feelings.” As alien, foreign,  _not fer her_. But Cas? He’s different. He’s not in a vessel, but in his own body. All those feelings are his. Regardless of how he’s able to experience them, we know from this scene that Cas  _is different now_. His experiences have changed him.

Gah, I’m just rambling now. I should probably take all this mental energy and put it into that long meta I’m trying to write instead. :P

 

[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [honestly he is one of the most fascinating characters ever created because of all of this^^](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/honestly-he-is-one-of-the-most-fascinating-characters-ever-created-because-of-all-of-this%5E%5E) [destiel might be the greatest love story ever told but hell if cas isn't the greatest character development narrative ever told as well](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel-might-be-the-greatest-love-story-ever-told-but-hell-if-cas-isn%27t-the-greatest-character-development-narrative-ever-told-as-well) [spn 9.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.11)

 

 

[Oct 8, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/166190009860/i-know-there-have-been-times-in-the-series-where)

25 notes

**Anonymous asked: I know there have been times in the series where people were in love with the idea of Cas giving up his grace for Dean or dying for him or making some other big sacrifice. And I just really really hate that idea? It reminds me too much of the unhealthy brodependency cycle. I don't want to see Cas become human like that, forced to under duress or making his ultimate life goal be about "bleeding for the Winchesters." We're getting past that. So I'm glad S10 didn't do the grace cure for example.**

Hi there… I feel like I should make at least one disclaimer here before I even start to reply to this…

Disclaimer #1: I am not now, nor have I ever been in love with the idea of Cas giving up his grace FOR Dean, or dying FOR Dean. You used the words “forced” and “under duress.” You even referenced his line from 7.22 about “bleeding for the Winchesters.” Out of context that does sound really bad, and I’ll get to why below, but I really don’t get any of these objections to Cas giving up his grace, because they seem to ignore Cas’s own free will to make that choice for himself, you know? More on that in a second. First,

Disclaimer #2: Hi, I’m MittenWraith and you may remember me from such fanfic offerings as [Revenge of the Subtext](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fseries%2F327056&t=YTg0NWUyMzliZDFiOWZiM2Q0ZTMzMzRhOWY2N2M1ZGE2Mjg2Mjc3NSxWWHducDBYVQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F166190009860%2Fi-know-there-have-been-times-in-the-series-where&m=1), which was essentially a rewrite of the end of s10 (that spared Charlie first off) and gave Cas the agency to CHOOSE to give up his grace, not because he was forced to, but because doing so (at the time in canon at the end of s10) also gave him everything he wanted– to be able to stay with Dean and NOT have to watch him murder the world, to finally free himself from the politics and feelings of duty to Heaven (which he’s since essentially declared his loyalty first to the Winchesters over and above Heaven… telling Kelvin to his face that he’s not doing any of this for any sort of redemption in Heaven, he doesn’t even care about that anymore, and referring to the Winchesters as his “family” and the other angels as his “men”). Cas has dissociated HIMSELF from Heaven of his own free will. To his way of thinking, using that grace to save Dean from an eternity of torment was merely a side benefit, you know?

I think we’re approaching this from two fundamentally different basic assumptions about Castiel. I’m not certain if there’s anything I can say that will help you see it from another angle here… but folks keep asking, so I’ll keep trying…

I started writing a thesis (I’m calling it that because it’s gonna be long, and structured like a doctoral dissertation. Hell, I might even write an abstract… it’s gonna be involved) on Castiel’s entire character arc as represented through his struggle for agency and free will against the blind obedience to Heaven that has been forcibly reprogrammed into angels who deviate from their orders. This is the lens through which all of Cas’s development has occurred. As for my thesis, it’s currently stalled out because writing deadlines for pinefest demand I work on that first, and I’ve only covered Cas’s first eight episodes out of 100 and already the paper is more than 1k, so clearly it’s gonna take an astounding amount of time that I just don’t have right now for me to actually research and write…

Point is, even in those first eight episodes (4.01, 4.02, 4.03, 4.07, 4.09, 4.10, 4.15, 4.16), this is already his main conflict as a character. Duty and obedience to heaven versus thinking for himself and doing what he personally feels is right. We see him push back against his orders in 4.18 giving Dean information that will help him “defy prophecy” for the first time, and then we see him attempt to make a complete break with Heaven in 4.20 only to be captured and dragged back for “angel boot camp.” When he returns to his vessel, he’s entirely back to Full Obedience Mode  _as a function of his grace having been tinkered with in Heaven_. Anna lampshades just how horrible what was being done to him there really was, just as Dean lampshaded just how unhappy Anna was when she was given no other choice but to take her own grace back on in 4.10. Her free will, her  _choice_  to be human was taken away from her and she did “what she had to do.”

Worst. Phrase. On the show. Ever.

In 8.23 Cas may have had his grace taken from him against his will, but he tried to make the best of it. He struggled with his sudden humanity, but by 9.06 he’d made his peace with it.

**CASTIEL** : No, Dean. (He puts the box on the counter and turns to face DEAN.) I’m not. I failed at being an angel. Everything I ever attempted came out wrong. But here … at least I have a shot at getting things right. I guess you can’t see it, but … there’s a real dignity in what I do – human dignity.

His entire conversation with Ephraim underscores just how he feels now, and truly introduces this question for the first time:

**EPHRAIM** : Shh-shh-shhh. It’ll be over soon. I’ll take the pain away.  
 **CASTIEL** : I want to live.  
 **EPHRAIM** : But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

(hey lookie there’s my tag for this entire concept…) but then there’s this:

**EPHRAIM** : You say you want to live. But you can’t see what I see. By choosing a human life, you’ve already given up. You … chose … death.

Because to Ephraim, who it’s been established has NO understanding of human pain, of human emotions at all, ANY pain is something worth killing over. Even a teenage girl being “sorta bummed” about her boyfriend breaking up with her. To him, ANY human emotions were a pain not worth suffering.

Meanwhile Cas had been doing everything in his power to SAVE HIMSELF, attempting to draw a banishing sigil in blood, cutting his hand on the rose thorns, until Dean managed to toss the angel blade to him and he could kill Ephraim before Ephraim killed him. Cas’s will to live was greater than his desire to only live  _as an angel_. Even if he hadn’t fully  _chosen_  humanity for himself back then, he had passed step one of the test and chosen life.

This concept is underscored again when Cas describes to Sam why Dean would cling so hard to being a demon in 10.03:

**SAM** : What the hell are we doing to him, Cas? I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human.  
 **CASTIEL** : Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

Cas understands, because he’s experienced the same thing… he KNOWS the real joy and profound pain of being human now, and he also knows what it’s like to  _not_  be able to feel those things– not because he knows what it’s like to be a demon, but because he believes it’s similar enough to what it feels like being an angel. Now if that’s not horrifying, and if it doesn’t say bucketloads about Cas’s own personal regret about his own “I did what I had to do” moment in 9.09, in stealing Theo’s grace in what amounted to a sacrifice of his OWN humanity in order to save Dean… Tell me if ANY of this sounds like Cas is happy with this non-choice:

**CASTIEL** (on the phone) : Dean, I don’t have a lot of time, so listen. The leader of the opposition is an angel named Malachi.  
 **DEAN** : How do you know that?  
 **CASTIEL** : He had me. I, uh, I was tortured. But I got away.  
 **DEAN** : How?  
 **CASTIEL** : I… I did what I had to. I became what they’ve become. A barbarian.  
 **DEAN** : What are you – Cas, where are you?  
 **CASTIEL** : It’s better I stay away. They’re gonna want me even more now. But I’m gonna be all right. I… I got my Grace back. Well, not mine per se, but it’ll do.  
 **DEAN** : Wait, you’re – you’re back? You got your mojo?  
 **CASTIEL** : I’m not sure. But I am an angel.  
 **DEAN** : And you’re okay with that?  
 **CASTIEL** : If we’re going to war, I need to be ready.  
 **DEAN** : (pause) Cas.  
 **CASTIEL** : Dean. There’s more.  
 **DEAN** : What?  
 **CASTIEL** : Didn’t you say Sam was healed by an angel named Ezekiel?  
 **DEAN** : Uh… Yeah, why?  
 **CASTIEL** : Ezekiel is dead.  
 **DEAN** : What?  
 **CASTIEL** : He died when the angels fell.  
DEAN’s face has a very concentrated “oh this is bad” expression.

A VERY CONCENTRATED “OH THIS IS BAD” EXPRESSION

Under torture by Theo, Cas had asked for a quick death, until he heard that Ezekiel had died in the fall, and realized that Dean had trusted Ezekiel to help heal Sam… THIS INFORMATION WAS WORTH DOING “WHAT HE HAD TO DO” just to be sure that Sam and Dean were safe from this unknown angel that HE had personally vouched for… that we’ve just learned is actually Gadreel…

IT’S ALL A HUGE MESS.

To me, Cas’s decision to take on another angel’s grace was just as much of a non-choice as Metatron stealing his original grace had been. And to Cas, WHAT he is doesn’t necessarily matter as much as the fact that HE CHOSE IT FOR HIMSELF.

Every single time he’s done what he had to do, every time his agency’s been taken from him, the vehicle that made it possible was his grace.

He’s been asked over and over again for years if he’s really an angel (and been told to his face by numerous other angels that he ISN’T an angel anymore), he’s been called a tool and told he was only marginally useful… and yet he’s been called Family and welcomed unconditionally by the Winchesters. Mostly because they’re not FORCING him to be anything in particular, you know?

As to your “Always happy to bleed for the Winchesters” from 7.21, I’ve written a lot about [Cas’s mental state in late s7 here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164700293040/survival-of-the-fittest-rewatch-airs-today-i-have), which goes a long way to give a fuller context to that line. Out of context, it sounds very different to seeing how it fits with the entire picture of Cas’s late s7 guilt. In a lot of ways, running away from his responsibility (think “I don’t fight I watch the bees” and constantly referring to himself and his actions in the third person, with “An angel brought the Leviathan back into this world, and – and they begged him. They begged him not to do it.”). It took redeeming himself in some small measure by helping to send the Leviathan back to Purgatory in 7.23 for him to even BEGIN to integrate himself again… And then begins his depression/atonement arc that includes his ongoing battle with his own agency via his choice to remain in Purgatory, his complete loss of agency to Naomi, and then Metatron… this has ALWAYS been what has driven and defined Castiel’s narrative, and every bit of character development he’s ever experienced.

And it’s ALWAYS been tied to his identity as an angel and the very existence of his grace. And even HE has said that he doesn’t identify as an angel anymore or feel allied to Heaven, but like Demon Dean clinging to whatever it was that made him a demon because it was easier not to feel that pain, like Soulless Sam desperate to do anything to prevent himself from being reunited with his soul, Cas is still holding on to his grace in a similar way (narratively speaking).

(thing is, once Dean was cured of the Mark and once Sam was reunited with their soul, they were GRATEFUL not to have been left in that unfeeling state, you know? they’ll take the pain, because it beats “being a stepford bitch in paradise.”)

Cas believes he needs his grace to be “useful,” despite already beginning to understand how the Winchesters see him as family. I don’t believe that Cas will be given a “no choice” scenario in which he’ll feel compelled to sacrifice his grace in an emergency situation, as some sort of “throwing himself on a grenade” because he had no other choice. The entire POINT is that it would be his freely-made CHOICE.

No matter WHAT he chooses. I’m not saying he absolutely must give up his grace. I’m saying that every sign and every conflict that’s driven his narrative development over the last 9 seasons has been leading him along this path where eventually he WILL have that choice. And when that time comes, I believe that what he eventually will choose for himself (because he wants it) is to live out a human life with the Winchesters.

I am REALLY looking forward to 13.04, because I think we’re going to gain a LOT of insight into Cas’s current emotional/mental state. And HOW he comes back from his current state of not-aliveness is going to be key to understanding what’s in store for him over the next season. So until then, I’m going to stand by this analysis.

[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [spn 7.21](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.21) [spn 9.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.06) [spn 10.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.22) [spn 10.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.03) [spn 7.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.23) [spn 8.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.23) [and probably a lot more episodes but I'm currently burdened by fever delirium and i'm just happy that this reply is marginally coherent](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-probably-a-lot-more-episodes-but-I%27m-currently-burdened-by-fever-delirium-and-i%27m-just-happy-that-this-reply-is-marginally-coherent) [and i do feel that the insistence that cas MUST retain his grace ignores the fact that it might not be what cas himself would even want](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-i-do-feel-that-the-insistence-that-cas-MUST-retain-his-grace-ignores-the-fact-that-it-might-not-be-what-cas-himself-would-even-want) [so we have both sides of the debate believing the other side doesn't care about what cas would choose for himself](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/so-we-have-both-sides-of-the-debate-believing-the-other-side-doesn%27t-care-about-what-cas-would-choose-for-himself) [when in reality all i want for cas is for him to be able to make that choice for himself...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/when-in-reality-all-i-want-for-cas-is-for-him-to-be-able-to-make-that-choice-for-himself...) [i just haven't seen anything in the narrative that would point to the fact that his eventual choice will be to remain an angel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-just-haven%27t-seen-anything-in-the-narrative-that-would-point-to-the-fact-that-his-eventual-choice-will-be-to-remain-an-angel) [and everything points to him eventually choosing to be human](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-everything-points-to-him-eventually-choosing-to-be-human) [or else what is the point of repeatedly asking him that question anyway you know?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/or-else-what-is-the-point-of-repeatedly-asking-him-that-question-anyway-you-know%3F) [spn 4.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.22) [on the nature of angel grace](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/on-the-nature-of-angel-grace) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls)[that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is) [and grace is sorta the antithesis of that...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-grace-is-sorta-the-antithesis-of-that...)

 

[Oct 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/166618616520/justanotheridijiton-prop-reuse-vending-machines)

135 notes

  
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[justanotheridijiton](https://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/166617805629/prop-reuse-vending-machines-1x12-2x03-4x18):

> > **Prop Reuse: Vending Machines**  
>  1x12 | 2x03 | 4x18 | 4x20 | 8x01 | 9x01 | 9x16 | 9x18 | 13x01

I reblogged[ this old meta earlier that discussed the significance of vending machines in the carver era](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/166612434335/thefuckingwarship-in-8x01-we-see-dean-standing), of which the tl;dr version is, “There are a limited number of choices in life and you must pay a price for all of them.”

(with just a quick sob to mention Sam’s “refreshing Coke” from 4.20, because it was actually the last drops of demon blood… his “choice” that wasn’t really a choice to an addict.)

Carver era, then. The post I linked there covers those episodes beautifully, because sometimes the choice isn’t even a REAL choice. When faced with the necessities of human existence like Cas in 9.01, he was compelled to abandon his laundry, steal clean clothes, and spend his limited money on food and water. It was a choice, yes, but it was a false choice. If he’d chosen to do his laundry instead, he would’ve suffered.

Meanwhile Crowley in 9.16 didn’t really have any human need for a candy bar or a soda, and yet there he is, trying to game the system just because he can. Out of boredom, out of pure selfishness, whatever. He didn’t have a need, and yet there he was pushing buttons futilely trying to make something happen.

That brings us to 13.01, and Jack and his precious new love of all things nougat. The human part of Jack was hungry, so the non-human part of him provided. He DID successfully game the system. He didn’t even make a choice here, just booped the machine and stood there bemused as more candy than any one person could even possibly consume poured out of the machine.

But someone always has to pay a price for this sort of thing. In this case, it was the people around him. Sheriff Barker probably has the candy machine as a budget item for the station. Someone has to buy the candy to fill the machine, and they probably use the proceeds from the machine to restock it. A nice little circle of life sort of deal. Until Magic Jack shows up and just… eats it all.

In the same scene Jack’s power escapes his control when he’s affected by angel radio, and the result is that his power lashes back and hurts Sheriff Barker. Someone always has to pay a price. We do have choices, but there are also consequences. 

[spn 1.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.12) [spn 2.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-2.03) [spn 4.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.18) [spn 4.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.20) [spn 8.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.01) [spn 9.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.01) [spn 9.16](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.16) [spn 9.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.18)[spn 13.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.01) [this is a jerry wanek appreciation blog](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-is-a-jerry-wanek-appreciation-blog) [vending machine masterpost i guess](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/vending-machine-masterpost-i-guess) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [jack nougat winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/jack-nougat-winchester) [that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is)

 

[Dec 2, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/168127972240/hi-as-much-as-i-live-for-cas-being-an-adorable)

14 notes

**[casthenerdfighter](https://casthenerdfighter.tumblr.com/) asked: Hi! As much as I live for Cas being an adorable doofus, I really miss BAMF Castiel. Lately he's been acting more human than like an otherworldly being. And right now he's just sort of been put on the sidelines in a cage... Do you have any hopes for Cas when he eventually gets back and just kicking butt again? (Though I won't be complaining if he's soft and gentle again, as long as it's with Dean :p)**

Aw, but something important to consider here:

Well, Cas has been mostly dead all season. We haven’t really seen him have a chance to do much, but he DID mostly hold his own in a fight against THREE other angels (who presumably are all in full possession of their grace, and therefore waaaaay more powered up that Cas has been in like… 4+ years, aside from one Jack-jacking and Prince of Hell smiting…) That was pretty badass.

Granted we didn’t see how Asmodeus managed to subdue and capture both (depowered) Lucifer AND (depowered) Cas in one fell swoop, but getting tossed across the bar like that probably played a factor… Cas did just come back from the empty. I really don’t think he’s eager to repeat the experience. His odds were not good in that fight.

As for being “sidelined,” I don’t see it that way. I think his story arc is still loosely paralleling Mary’s. Lucifer had wanted to use Mary as a bargaining chip with the Winchesters, and now that we’ve seen the promo for 13.09, we see she’s been locked in a cage. Asmodeus wants to use Cas as a bargaining chip with the Winchesters, and he’s also been locked in a cage.

I don’t really have any better guesses at the moment as to what will happen in the future other than “when Mary gets out of that cage, Cas will probably get out of his cage” and in the meantime, we just have to wait and see what happens.

And I think he’s been progressively acting “more human” for years (especially during that time he was a human…). But that’s where his personal arc has been going for a long time. Nothing about that strikes me as a surprise.

[spn 13.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.07) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

[Dec 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/168772003290/i-get-the-terrible-feeling-that-when-when)

27 notes

**[ludditeheart](http://ludditeheart.tumblr.com/) asked: I get the terrible feeling that when (when!) AU!Michael comes through the gate, a large flock of the Angels will welcome him with relief. (“God’s will! A new General! A temporary pause in the Apocalypse! Clean up Castiel’s mess!”)**

Yeah, a bunch of people have been grumbling about that being a possibility. I don’t know if anyone’s grumbled in public about it or not, because it is such vague spec, but the theories I’ve seen so far seem pretty plausible.

The angels would appreciate a strong leader, especially if he could convince them (even temporarily) that he was ~their Michael~. blah blah *I was forged into this by my time in the cage* *or the AU where I’m actually from* *what’s the difference really…*

Especially if he’s onboard with the “bring all the angels back” plan.

Or even just the “bring all my loyal soldier angels from the au world into this paradise world so we can repeat all the mistakes of our own past and destroy this world as well” plan.

And like any desperate people, they’ll see a “Strong Leader Type” as their salvation, and either overlook the inconvenient “well he’s got some pretty major flaws” until it becomes glaringly obvious that he doesn’t care one whit about them, but by then it’s too late to do anything about it short of impeaching him, but he’s got too much of a foothold and it all seems hopeless…

wait, sorry. I might be confusing the AU world with Trump’s America… 

Regardless, yeah, it seems possible.

I’m still with Dean. I’d let them all fry. I mean, yeah, for Cas’s sake I’d like to see him achieve some sort of consolation with heaven, and being able to restore some of the angels he killed (or make new ones) could potentially give him that sort of absolution. But there’s still a bunch of angels he killed in the past that would want to seek revenge on him if they were suddenly alive again, you know? Or who’d want to restart the apocalypse again. Raphael, Uriel, Zachariah, and their ilk. All the angels he felt he needed to “punish” as Godstiel had been on board with the End of the World Agenda.

So bringing back a bunch of random angels who supported Cas in the past–at least during some portion of their individual arcs, because pretty much every angel had issues with him, you know? (Hannah, Naomi, Metatron, Balthazar, Anna, Joshua, Rachel, Inias, Gabriel…) It’s kind of a short list (though there are probably others we could add). But would it be enough to earn him a measure of forgiveness? Or would the rest of the angels resent Cas having the power to make those sort of choices about who was brought back or not?

Wow this is totally turning into absolutely baseless wild speculation. :D

But I think bringing over AU!Michael’s super soldier angels wouldn’t really be any better for Heaven, Earth, angelkind, etc.

If any of this wild spec does happen, I think it might lead to a quickening of the angel extinction rather than some sort of new Golden Age of Heaven or whatever the angels think making more of themselves might achieve.

(incredibly unpopular opinion time: but if everything that’s happened in SPN was “fated” to happen, because Chuck designed it all to happen eventually, so that this long series of events beginning with the failed apocalypse and ending with him reuniting with Amara, then maybe most of the angels were fated to become extinct. I mean, one line Cas used in 4.16 was this:

_Strange. Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate._

I mean, one of the main underpinnings of the entire narrative has been the battle between free will and fate. And if angels are the “agents of fate,” maybe their time has passed, you know? Like the elves knowing their time in Middle Earth had come to a close, maybe it’s time for the angels to sleep in the Empty.

Chuck has left the building, and considering how well most of the angels have handled their stewardship of creation, it’s probably not a good idea to leave it in their hands long-term. Not that people are doing much better with the place, but heck. At least we’re trying.

_‘Cause the angels – they don’t care. I think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. Seems like when they try, it just… breaks them apart._

Yeah, it may have broken Cas apart, but Chuck kept gluing him back together, and each time he seemed to come back with just a little bit more care. And he hasn’t really been an angel for a long time…

Okay wow this got long and weird and really off point… I’m procrastinating on editing, and I just started typing this intending to reply privately, but there’s a heck of a lot in here, and I want to have this for my records. So imma post it, unpopular opinions and all. Wheeeeee.

[spn s13 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-speculation) [see this is why i avoid talking about my 'unpopular opinions' i like having friends :D](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/see-this-is-why-i-avoid-talking-about-my-%27unpopular-opinions%27-i-like-having-friends-%3AD) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [heaven hell purgatory and the empty](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/heaven-hell-purgatory-and-the-empty) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [ludditeheart](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/ludditeheart)

 

[Dec 27, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169005509610/do-you-ever-miss-old-cas-like-i-know-his)

198 notes

**Anonymous asked: Do you ever miss old Cas? Like I know his character development has been super important, and everything he's becoming has been all about who he truly is, and not an angel puppet. But sometimes I watch older episodes and I miss early Cas. I miss the "You should show me some respect," the "I'm not here to perch on your shoulder," and the "we had an appointment" kind of moments. Idk, I love Cas all around, but sometimes I miss his early mystery and badassery.**

Hi there! And no, I don’t really miss “old Cas.” But I think the three examples you’ve chosen aren’t really similar at all. The first two are literally what you described as being “an angel puppet.” They’re both from the same conversation at the end of 4.02, when Cas’s only goal was to manipulate or threaten Dean into doing Heaven’s bidding. Because again, context matters. Folks throw these lines around a lot, but so often the larger surrounding meaning is just losing the larger point here:

**DEAN** : I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos – you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks.  
 **CASTIEL** : Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I’m a soldier.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah? Then, why didn’t you fight?  
 **CASTIEL** : I’m not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.

and

**CASTIEL** : Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me. Why do you think we’re here walking among you now for the first time in 2,000 years?  
 **DEAN** : To stop Lucifer.  
 **CASTIEL** : That’s why we’ve arrived.  
 **DEAN** : Well… bang-up job so far. Stellar work with the witnesses. That’s nice.  
 **CASTIEL** : We tried. And there are other battles, other seals. Some we’ll win, some we’ll lose. This one we lost. Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of Heaven should just follow you around? There’s a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.

This isn’t “badass Cas” here. It’s Cas not caring one whit about Dean, as long as Dean sticks to the mission. Dean is nothing more than a tool to Cas at this point. And he might not be self-aware enough to understand it yet, but Cas is equally a tool of Heaven at this point. There is literally nothing about either of those lines that I would wish on Cas again.

Now for the “We had an appointment,” from 5.04, that was Cas interfering with Zachariah and Heaven’s plans to save Dean, and was more of a moment of comic relief (and literal relief) that he’d saved Dean from Zachariah, you know? This was more than a year’s worth of character development removed from those quotes from 4.02.

But, this in mind, how is Cas any less badass NOW than he was back then? I just… don’t understand the complaint, I guess?

Granted, Cas spent the first several episodes of s13 being actively dead, so that really limits the amount of verbal badassery he was capable of at the time… but knowing all along that Cas would not only be “dead” for a few episodes, but that  _the entire purpose of this was for us to witness Dean’s specific struggle with his loss_ , I was more than happy to play along with the show. And because I didn’t let myself become bitter over these facts, 13.04 was one long, glorious Fuck You letter from Cas to his long-term struggle with depression.

(the post below this on my blog is actually a reply to someone asking about Billie’s line to Dean in 13.05, “I say live.” [And I suggest that it applies equally to Cas vs the Empty Entity](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169002039675/okay-but-i-am-rewatching-cas-coming-back-and-dean))

Castiel’s personal growth arc since the end of s6, including the majority of s7 while he was again literally dead, and then returned with no memories only to regain them to his own personal horror, has been about his guilt and penance for the things he did, for how badly he fucked up in s6. And then how much he struggled with putting any of that to rights.

I could pull a long series of out-of-context quotes that sound terribly Sassy Cassie, if that would make you feel better about any of this. I know there’s at least one post going around about how Cas is just as sassy as ever, with quotes and gifs as evidence. First off, it makes me really uncomfortable to reduce a character to a few random catchphrases like that. But also, just like Dean, his arc has largely been about overcoming depression. And as such, he’s struggled through A LOT of introspection and come to some major revelations about who and what he is, and who and what he wants to be.

I mean, his personality hasn’t fundamentally changed, but his understanding and motivations and goals certainly have.

His desire to stay in Purgatory in s8 because he couldn’t face what he’d done was one of his initial reactions to this. He’d rather run away and suffer eternally alone in Purgatory than confront what he’d done to Heaven in the name of stopping another apocalypse.

He was so hopeful and willing to believe in Metatron’s plan to “fix” heaven, to shut the gates and lock all the angels inside, because of what Naomi had put him through (torture, reprogramming… I mean we learned A LOT about just how resilient Cas is, and just how much he’s struggled through just to get to this point, where he finally understands exactly how much Heaven had tried to control him like a puppet or a tool.) But he’s so desperate to find a way to atone, to right his wrongs, to make up for the damage he’d done, that he was blind to the truth of how he was being manipulated yet again.

He struggles directly with humanity– his  _own_  humanity– in s9, before he once again does things because he feels he has no other choice. He was ready to die in 9.09 until he learned that whatever angel Dean had dealt with in order to save Sam back in 9.01, it hadn’t been Ezekiel, but someone who’d lied to Dean about his identity… and Dean needed to know this. So instead of sacrificing his life, Cas sacrificed his own agency yet again, stealing the grace of another angel. I think we can all agree that this particular bit of “badassery” is something we’d never like to see from him again. It’s on par with Dean selling his soul to save Sam, meaning  _it is an objectively horrifying choice_. And that fact is pointed out to Cas  _repeatedly_ , by pretty much every other angel character in the narrative over the next season and a half.

And aside from his late s10 job as babysitter and pork rind delivery service, he really hasn’t been not-badass. He’s finally free of Heaven’s “reprogramming,” and for the first time in his billions of years of existence, he doesn’t have an instant “fix” available to him to erase his memories or reboot his operating system. He finally has to DEAL with the cumulative fallout from all his past choices and actions.

So like no other angel ever, Cas has had an opportunity to work through all of this, to understand free will, to understand humanity, and  _it has made him a better individual_. Yes, he’s struggled with depression, and with the consequences of his actions and past choices, and he’s felt unworthy or useless or… like he’s  _poison_.

I mean, these aren’t the typical things angels feel, you know? Because Cas has become so much MORE than that. I think this is why the petty-sounding complaint that Cas is no longer a badass, or that he’s become weak, makes me so angry.

Yes, I’m sorry. I’m watching his entire character arc unfold, seen him fight through some of the most heart wrenching battles against depression (both literal and metaphorical), struggled to reclaim his own personal arc from the whims of fate over and over again, only to emerge personally strengthened each time like steel put through the forge to temper it, and then I see comments on his arc like this, and it just makes me want to scream.

Cas’s entire story has always been about agency. His early “mystery” was the fact that he was unknown and unknowable as a tool of Heaven’s will, you know? Why in the hell would I miss  _that_?

If you think Cas isn’t 10000% MORE badass than he ever was as Heaven’s malleable tool, might I suggest rewatching s12 and s13. If you want Cas-flavored snark, there’s plenty of that. I could spend an hour pulling quotes for you, if you’d really like. But this isn’t about snappy one-liners or Cas being a badass warrior, or him winning fights by being the more ruthless and uncaring participant.

His fight against  _three_  other angels in 13.07, for example… he had several opportunities to kill those angels and technically “win” that fight. But Cas  _is a better person_ than that. Three other angels were intent on capturing or killing HIM (which didn’t really seem to matter to them…), while Cas was intent on NOT harming them, you know? In a fight, it puts him at a disadvantage, but morally it puts him on the high ground.

Then during all his conversations with Lucifer, Cas gave just as good as he got. If that’s not the best flavor of Sassy Cassie, I don’t know what to tell you.

So… Cas has once again had his agency stripped from him, because that has ALWAYS been his struggle– [both in-story and on a metanarrative level](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165586761265/characterizing-narrative-thoughts-on-castiel)– and his story falls apart if it suddenly becomes something else. This is how his character development has always run, and how it will always run, until the last turn of the narrative wheel when we finally get to the end of the entire series.

This is how stories work.

And Cas is one of the most intensely profound character development arcs ever written. I can’t stand that his struggles with agency, depression, self-understanding, free will, happiness, love, and purpose can be reduced so frequently to whether or not he’s performing badassery in a particularly proscribed fashion at any given moment. It just seems… petty. And misses the point entirely.

I guess I take it so personally because I recognize stuff I’ve personally fought through in Cas’s arc… black depression and worthlessness… and hell if fighting my way out of that wasn’t one of the biggest (and yet still somehow ongoing) fights of my entire life. So to have someone suggest that somehow this still just  _isn’t good enough_  for them feels like a very personal Fuck You, you know? So I’m sorry if this came off a bit angry and defensive.

Might I suggest that Cas doesn’t need to punch things or kill things or terrify things all the time in order to be badass? Sometimes simply fighting through the worst of his personal struggles with himself and living to see the sun shine another day is far more badass than stabbing some idiot in the face.

Cas’s struggle with his own agency, with his own free will, with his own choices about who and what he is and wants to do and to be IS his story. And it’s insanely badass to me.

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [i'm sorry if this came off in a grumpy tone but i'm genuinely frustrated by this](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27m-sorry-if-this-came-off-in-a-grumpy-tone-but-i%27m-genuinely-frustrated-by-this) [it's spirals all the way down](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it%27s-spirals-all-the-way-down) [this is how stories work](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-is-how-stories-work) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)[sorry for the mishmash of weird and insensible meta tags](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sorry-for-the-mishmash-of-weird-and-insensible-meta-tags) [but this belongs in all of them](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-this-belongs-in-all-of-them) [i feel like i've made this post before somehow... and i'll probably have to make it again...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-feel-like-i%27ve-made-this-post-before-somehow...-and-i%27ll-probably-have-to-make-it-again...) [*sighs heavily and gently bashes my face against the keyboard*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Asighs-heavily-and-gently-bashes-my-face-against-the-keyboard%2A) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Jan 8, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169474500580/its-a-plague-of-sorry-here-today-and-i-have-no)

58 notes

it’s a plague of sorry here today and i have no idea what to do with this information.

Lizbob is watching/giffing 4.22 for the [Dean and Cas are in Love series](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-and-cas-are-in-love/chrono), while I’m here watching 7.21, and I had a minor lil meltdown over the opposite ends of the line of who’s sorry for what… and being sorry versus playing sorry.

I know both of these scenes have been meta’d into the ground to the point where they’ve probably tunneled straight through the planet and popped out the other side, but I just want to take the red thread and connect them up together.

From 4.22:

**CASTIEL** : We’ve been through much together, you and I. And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry it ended like this.  
 **DEAN** : "Sorry"? (he punches CASTIEL, who hardly flinches. DEAN flexes his hand in pain.) It’s Armageddon, Cas. You need a bigger word than “sorry.”

From 7.21:

**CASTIEL** : We live in a “sorry” universe. It’s engineered to create conflict. I mean, why should I prosper from… your misfortune? [CASTIEL puts down a marker and moves DEAN’s marker back to the start.] But these are the rules. I didn’t make them.  
 **DEAN** : You made some of them. When you tried to become God, when you cut that hole into that wall.  
 **CASTIEL** : Dean… it’s your move.  
[DEAN pounds a fist on the table and swipes the board to the floor.]  
 **DEAN** : Forget the damn game! Forget the game, Cas.  
 **CASTIEL** : I’m sorry, Dean.  
 **DEAN** : No. You’re playing “Sorry!”

In the middle of all of this, in 7.01, we had a sincere apology from Cas to Dean right before he returned the souls to purgatory (and then died, was revived, and then died again…).

After 4.22, Cas found bigger words than “sorry.” He helped tear up destiny and instead of just the empty apology, he actually did something to fix it. Everything that had happened because of “destiny” and “prophecy,” Heaven and Hell interfering in humanity in order to engineer the apocalypse, wasn’t Castiel’s fault, but he’d officially cast his lot with the Winchesters and humanity.

After 7.21, Cas was struggling again, but this time everything he had to be sorry for was actually his fault, and he was barely even able to talk about it yet. He was still “playing sorry.”

I’ve gone back to look at [my 7.21 tag](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.21), and like half the posts I scrolled through refer back to 4.22…

It took everything Cas has been through to grow beyond being a pawn (during s4 as a pawn of heaven in arranging the apocalypse, and since his return in 7.17 in helping to return the entire universe to a sort of baseline stability), both in the story itself and as a character, as well as from outside the story where he began as a mere plot device and has since become a main character with a full character arc of his own.

This is why I will always believe that whatever else happens in the story, Castiel’s arc will always be grounded in THIS, in his struggle for agency and free will. Every. Single. Part. of his story is about THIS.

I’m so sorry.

The other half of my lil meltdown over all of this stems from the Word of God, and how angels are essentially powerless to disobey. After their first run-in with Hester in 7.21, Cas explains this:

**DEAN** : Cas, don’t make me pull this car over! Why are angels after us?  
 **CASTIEL** : Are you angry? Why are you angry?  
 **DEAN** : No, I-I’m… Please, can we just stay on target?  
 **CASTIEL** : There is no reason for anger. They’re only following protocol. If the Word of God is revealed, a keeper of the Word will awaken, like this [He touches KEVIN’s nose] hot potato right here.  
[KEVIN slaps CASTIEL’s hand away.]  
 **KEVIN** : Please stop that.  
 **CASTIEL** : Anyway, Garrison code dictates you take the keeper to the desert to learn the Word away from men.  
 **DEAN** : What kind of sense does that make? He has to tell us so that we can use it.  
 **CASTIEL** : That’s God and his shiny red apples.

THAT’S GOD AND HIS SHINY RED APPLES.

This is Knowledge. Knowledge that Cas has already stated that he couldn’t read or decipher, because “it’s not for angels.”

This is the Forbidden Fruit.

Going right back to the Garden of Eden, which we’ll look at from several directions in s9 and s10, through the Mark of Cain and Gadreel, who was supposed to have been guarding the Garden of Eden,  _despite not having been allowed inside himself_. It wasn’t a place for angels, just like the Free Will and self-awareness and the ability to  _choose_  their own fate was something that was only for humanity.

In 7.21, the angels are drawn to the Leviathan Tablet and to the Prophet because it’s “garrison code” to defend the Word of God above all other things. And the use of the word “code” takes on an extra boatload of meaning in s8 when we learn exactly what “reprogramming” an angel entails.

In 8.10, Crowley cracks the “code” and discovers the key to Samandriel’s “operating system.” Into his “factory settings.” And he declares:

**CROWLEY** : That was tablet talk. Protecting the Word of God seems to be hardwired into these dingbats.

All of this makes Castiel’s abject insistence on not wanting to fight anymore, even in the face of the revealed Word of God,  _absolutely unique_.

It’s not so much that Cas has overcome that programming here, not quite yet. But it’s as if this complete withdrawal is his “equal and opposite reaction” to that programming. He refers to himself in the third person, dissociates from his actions, and refuses to get involved in fixing those problems.

In 7.22 when they confront the Alpha Vampire, it’s subtly more of the same. It’s not so much what’s said here, but what is specifically NOT said:

**DEAN** : Well, we, uh… figured you might hold a grudge.  
 **ALPHA VAMPIRE** : And why would I? Because you captured me, tortured me, sold me to the king of Hell?  
 **DEAN** : That was more our grandpa.

Alpha blames Sam and Dean, Dean blames Samuel Campbell.

Alpha says they sold him to the King of Hell, and nobody says anything about Crowley’s partner in that entire scheme… which of course was Cas.

This entire mess, from the monster situation and Eve and now the Leviathan is what Cas is specifically dissociating himself from, until 7.23, when he finally agrees to stand with Dean. He goes from this:

**DEAN** : You got anything to say on the topic of Dicks? Crowley was pretty sure that you could help.  
 **CASTIEL** : I can’t help. You understand? I can’t. I destroyed… everything, and I will destroy everything again. Can we please just leave it at that?  
 **DEAN** : No. [He gets up.] No, we can’t.  
 **SAM** : Dean…  
 **DEAN** : We can’t leave it. You let these friggin’ things in. So you don’t get to make a sandwich. You don’t get a damned cat. Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess!

[at which point he suggests they play twister and poofs off to points unknown]

to this:

**CASTIEL** : If we attack Dick and fail, then you and Sam die heroically, correct?  
 **DEAN** : I don’t know. I guess.  
 **CASTIEL** : And at best, I die trying to fix my own stupid mistake.

He might not be good luck, and he might screw up everything he touches (sound familiar, Dean? Mr. I’m Poison?), but this was his turning point where he CHOSE to at least try to atone for his past mistakes.

This was the beginning of Cas taking the “tearing up the pages” and rewriting the destiny of the universe, and applying that to HIMSELF. All the “reprogramming” he’s endured as a servant of Heaven, going in to s8 he’s setting out on a very long journey of rewriting his own PERSONAL destiny, all the while the universe, God, circumstance, and his own sense of guilt will keep pulling on him, but finally now in s13 he’s getting to address these core issues more directly.

Who and what are you, Castiel?

(apologies to anyone who actually read all of this, seeing as it’s likely a random disaster of tangential rambling… I don’t even remember the main point I’d started out to make. this entire line of thinking always destroys me.)

[spn 4.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.22) [spn 7.21](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.21) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is) [the special agony of brainwashing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-special-agony-of-brainwashing) [i mean not in the sense that he was actively being brainwashed here but that his struggle for agency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-mean-not-in-the-sense-that-he-was-actively-being-brainwashed-here-but-that-his-struggle-for-agency) [against the forces of heaven and what angels are in a fundamental sense IS his story](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/against-the-forces-of-heaven-and-what-angels-are-in-a-fundamental-sense-IS-his-story) [for whatever powers they have angels will ALWAYS lack this fundamentally human ability to CHOOSE who and what they are](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/for-whatever-powers-they-have-angels-will-ALWAYS-lack-this-fundamentally-human-ability-to-CHOOSE-who-and-what-they-are) [and that continues to be cas's struggle even in s13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-that-continues-to-be-cas%27s-struggle-even-in-s13) [s13 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s13-meta-rewatch) [spn 8.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.10) [spn 7.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.22) [spn 7.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.23) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

[Jan 18, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169857506390/inspired-by-your-wayward-notes-im-rewatching)

31 notes

**[li-izumi](http://li-izumi.tumblr.com/) asked: Inspired by your Wayward Notes, I'm rewatching 10x09 and Claire pulls the same "I need to pee" trick to ditch Cas that Kelly does later in season 12. I know Cas is always shown to be a little too trusting (less dumb, less ass) but geez, getting tricked by the same line twice! In some way, I'd love to see someone else try that trick on him (or maybe legit, no trick) but Cas has been burned twice before and won't believe it, but then, he wouldn't be our too trusting angel if he did that. *shrugs***

[elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/169846266548/inspired-by-your-wayward-notes-im-rewatching):

> TBH Mary does it with him too in 12x12… 
> 
> I think they use it to show his less-than-human side - not that he doesn’t understand because all of this is after he was human and we even had the line in 9x03 where he complains about how boring having to pee is, but just metaphorically it’s something human they use to slip his watch (and I guess also nice to know he stops watching you too closely if he thinks you’re going to the bathroom and doesn’t overstep boundaries like idk in 8x17 he pointed out he could hear them talking about him through the wall or whatever). 
> 
> In 12x19 he did stop Kelly going into the bathroom and got her a glass of water while keeping an eye on her because he remembered her slipping away before… And it’s not like it’s *just* Cas who gets tricked this way - in all these cases he was given way less of a clue than the Winchesters in 9x12, who somehow didn’t catch Garth blatantly fake-puking for like 5 minutes non-stop before falling silent and leaping out the window of the hospital… There was no part of that that wasn’t suspicious :P 
> 
> I think of all the instances of someone using peeing as an excuse to get around Cas, Mary in 12x12 is the only one that actually looked sketchy on the surface, and whether he didn’t want to suspect she was up to something or didn’t realise she’d come from the basement or what, it looked way more like he was suspicious from Mary’s POV but from his POV it came across more like his usual socially awkward approach to things… He maybe should have realised Claire pickpocketed him, idk :P

 

Ooh, not peeing, but human bodily function… Metatron giving him the slip in 10.18 over intestinal distress and escaping from the men’s room. :P

But on the other side of that coin, Cas has also gradually demonstrated not only understanding of these human needs (in stark contrast to when Dean once had to bullet-point a few of them for Cas back in 5.04), but more social savvy in relating to them. Like his understanding that waking a sleeping Dean is like poking an angry bear…

[spn 10.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.18) [spn 5.04](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.04) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [spn 9.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.12) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

[Jan 30, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/170307959000/andimeantittosting-i-think-supernaturals)

143 notes

[andimeantittosting](http://andimeantittosting.tumblr.com/post/170284314038/i-think-supernaturals-asking-some-really):

> I think Supernatural’s asking some really fascinating questions about responsibilty this season, particularly about whether there is a moral obligation to step in when you are not responsible for the situation in question. More specifically, is there a moral obligaion to step in when the person who should be responsible won’t or can’t fulfill step up themselves.
> 
> In 13x11, we see it with Felix the Cat, who didn’t stop to help Wendy, and feels guilty for it. There’s also Doug, who learns about monsters, but has no desire to have anything to do with hunting? Now that he knows what’s out there, should he go out protecting people from it, or is he justified in wanting to stay out of a situation he had no part in creating?
> 
> On a larger scale, there’s the question of Jack. In the early part of the season, there was a lot of conflict, both in the show and in the fandom over Dean’s refusal to parent Jack (for the record, I came down on Dean’s side). I’m not going to rehash those arguments right now, but it boils down to the question of whether, with Kelly gone and Lucifer an unfit parent, the Winchesters were obligated to raise Jack regardless of their personal feelings on the matter, and if not, who was?
> 
> And then on the largest scale, there’s the responsibilty for the world. Chuck has basically abdicated his responsibility and tried to put it on Dean’s (and Sam’s) shoulders. Is Dean morally obligated to take on the fate of the world, because if he doesn’t, who will? Or is he within his rights to say, no, you can’t put this burden on me without my consent, and I will not scramble to fix your mistakes?
> 
> (And really, how much of the Winchesters’ history is tied into people trying to pass along their responsibility - right down to their childhoods - John couldn’t or wouldn’t be a good parent, but then whose job should it have been? It largely ended up being Dean himself, which was obviously not right, but it’s set the pattern for his whole life.)
> 
> I don’t think there are any easy answers here, but I’m intrigued woth the way season 13 is addressing this theme. I’m also going to tag a few meta writers whose thoughts on this I would love to hear: [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg) [@elizabethrobertajones](https://tmblr.co/mgG_5cqPDBqPGN1DslU_e6Q) [@postmodernmulticoloredcloak](https://tmblr.co/mf4M6zzYHBBds6ET4AADySQ)

This is a fascinating line of thinking, and the longer I think on it the more examples I think of. Like Billie (which honestly I’m grateful for, because if she’d given Dean what he’d wanted in that moment of ultimate despair, he would’ve been dead now so…). And for Billie who’s personal credo had been “no more exemptions for Winchesters” to have shifted her stance so dramatically:

**Billie:**  You have work to do. That’s all you need to know. And trust me, having my eyes opened to the necessity of any humans, especially Winchesters, is not a thrill. So… you wanna die, but I say… keep living.

It’s not just a responsibility, but a cosmic “necessity.” What would happen if Dean tried to refuse that responsibility? Can he, even? 

We’ve also seen this pay out with Patience, who had been “responsible” in her school work, responsibly plotting out her entire future, and yet when the supernatural first threatened her life and then repeatedly came knocking at her door through her visions, she felt it was her responsibility to do something about it. She dropped her entire life, all her plans, to run to Jody’s with a warning. She still technically had a choice in the matter, but if she chose to ignore her visions, people would die, so she chose the option she could live with.

I think a lot of this also plays into Cas and his ever-diminishing feelings of responsibility to Heaven. That had been his primary motive for a really long time– making amends for things he’d done years ago (waves vaguely at s6), but no matter how much he’s given, no matter how he’s offered to atone, it’s never been enough for them. He’s offered himself up over and over again, and still they take as if his ongoing eternal service is just what’s expected of him. He’s gone to them for help (and to offer help) on matters of mutual concern and they’ve had very different… priorities. But in 13.07 Cas stood firm on his refusal to help them capture Jack to use him and his powers for their needs. Is it still Cas’s responsibility to help Heaven this way, above and beyond his responsibility to Jack? Or even his personal responsibility to the Winchesters? It’s an interesting angle on the questions Cas has been asked for years now– who are you, and what are you. I know it’s been tagged in the past as “duty vs desire” and the like.

It seems like a very specific iteration of the “free will vs destiny” struggles that are one of the central themes of the show. And “destiny” has been reframed into “responsibility” here in a post-God and post-prophecy universe.

[spn 13.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.11) [spn s13 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-speculation) [duty vs desire](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/duty-vs-desire) [that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is) [our choices shape our destiny as we go](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/our-choices-shape-our-destiny-as-we-go) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/if-you-say-%27mysterious-ways%27-so-help-me-i-will-kick-your-ass) [billie the reaper](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/billie-the-reaper) [jack nougat winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/jack-nougat-winchester)

 

[Feb 4, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/170504979130/power-upgrade-anon-i-agree-rowenas-case-is-very)

64 notes

**Anonymous asked: Power upgrade anon: I agree Rowena's case is very different from most of the other examples I listed, but I've not been successful at convincing myself why it is different from Cas regaining (what was left of) his OWN grace???**

I think there are SOME similarities, but also some key differences here. Maybe I should make another listicle…

  * Rowena’s power had been hamstrung for centuries, essentially locked down within her so she couldn’t access it. Meanwhile Cas’s grace had been cut OUT of him leaving him essentially human. For both of them, this had been done to them against their will.
  * Rowena had been running for centuries, looking for either a way to unbind her power, but also seeking outside sources of power for her own protection. She sought that through wealthy and powerful men (including Crowley as the King of Hell), through the protection of other powerful witches, through grimoires and the Book of the Damned and even through a supremely misguided alliance with Lucifer that she now obviously regrets (having been personally murdered by Lucifer TWICE now, and confessing how deeply traumatized she is by it).
  * Meanwhile Cas had essentially accepted his fate as a human by the time he felt compelled to step back into the Angel Situation in 9.09. He was doing his best, and was ready to die at Theo and Malachi’s hands when he was captured. It was only learning that Ezekiel had been killed in the fall that gave him pause. He’d personally vouched for Ezekiel to Dean, which meant that the angel who’d helped when Sam was dying WAS NOT EZEKIEL. This information was urgent enough to Cas that instead of accepting his fate and dying by Theo’s hand, he MADE A DEAL with Theo and then stole his grace– because that was an act of supreme desperation. The only way Cas was getting out of that cell to warn Dean about “Fake Ezekiel” was through all those other angels, and the only way he was beating all those other angels was by reducing himself to their level and doing what he later described to Dean as “barbaric.” He HATED that he’d been essentially cornered into actually doing it.
  * Just like we know Rowena was entrapped into doing a lot of stuff she HATED for her own power and protection. Like the torment we know she endured from the Loughlin Witches in 12.11. She’d allowed herself to be humiliated (and it’s implied this included essentially letting the entire Loughlin family use her sexually and in every other way imaginable in exchange for their protection… and just… yikes…). She’d wanted the Black Grimoire, which was the Loughlins’ possession, but no matter what she’d done in their service, they’d kept it from her. She came VERY close to getting her hands on it in 12.11, but the Winchesters again kept it from her. At least she knew where it was now, and could bide her time and wait for an opportunity to get her hands on it again.
  * But Cas had been unsure if any of his grace had even survived the spell Metatron cast with it. He’d spent a good long time thinking his last-ditch grace cannibalism would eventually lead to his death, with no actual hope for a lasting cure. He was actively despairing– letting himself die due to the poisonous effects of the cannibalized grace. CROWLEY was the one to give Cas a “refuel” ALSO against Cas’s will. He murdered Adina for her grace, because Crowley needed Cas to help control the demon!Dean Situation.
  * Just like Rowena’s quest for power was manipulated by outside forces, Cas was manipulated by outside forces. While Rowena’s OWN power was bound away from her leading her to be vulnerable like that, Cas’s FOREIGN power led him to be vulnerable in this way.



At this point, Cas and Rowena’s power situations might look similar on the surface, in that Outside Forces had conspired to weaken them, but really, they’re diametrically opposed under the surface.

In 10.18, Cas practically had to be led by the nose by Metatron to his own grace. He’d been ready (or at least resigned) to die. He’d told Hannah that he was unwilling to cannibalize any more grace in order to save himself. Which, yay, because heck that’s just horrifying to him that what kept him not only powered up but just ~alive~ in general at that point relied entirely on CAS doing to other angels what Metatron did to HIM.

After 10.03, he’d essentially resigned himself to the fact that when his second round of cannibalized grace burnt out, he would die. He wouldn’t cannibalize another angel. He spent the entire intervening period between 10.03 and 10.17 doing what he could to help find a cure for the Mark, but sort of expecting it would be the last thing he ever did, you know? Until Sam suggested that he should do something for himself, take Metatron up on his offer to lead him to his own grace, even knowing it was just a small fragment but that it might be enough to save himself. It wasn’t some empowering goal, but the desire to continue to remain  _useful_  while his current grace was burning low enough that he was nearly back to the depleted state he’d been in before 10.03.

He couldn’t help save Dean if he let himself die…

Or, worse… he wouldn’t be able to stand by Dean’s side even if they weren’t able to find a cure for the Mark… Someone had to stay alive long enough to watch Dean murder the world…

(really, truly, Cas’s motives for taking back his own grace were that dismal a proposition at the time. It was not a “victory” for him to reclaim his broken fragment of grace. It was utter resignation.)

Meanwhile for Rowena, she’s got essentially the OPPOSITE problem. I think the way their inverse mirror situation plays out, even VISUALLY similar in execution.

Rowena’s spell at the end of 13.12 involved her  _cutting into her throat_  vertically, while the excision of Cas’s grace had been achieved through cutting into his throat horizontally.

Rowena’s spell involved FREEING her bound powers, while Cas’s had involved REMOVING his.

Rowena cutting her throat was the act that released her powers from bondage, while Cas having his throat cut had made him HUMAN.

See the difference here? Or is it really a difference at all, metaphorically?

People keep telling Cas things along the lines of “humanity is a weakness.” And yet, Cas doesn’t feel that way at all. To the degree that he’s now actively telling other angels that they are wrong for thinking so. He said it plainly, that the Winchesters (and humanity in general) are a source of strength to him, not a weakness.

And yet for Rowena, humanity has proven a weakness for her, one she’d been willing to subjugate herself to others more powerful than herself for her entire life in order to protect herself from.

They really have entirely opposite goals here with regard to how the view themselves, with their life experiences, despite having similar themes regarding their personal individual struggles with agency, power, and how they’ve dealt with the involuntary loss of power.

For Rowena, regaining her bound powers at long last finally returned her agency, finally made her strong enough that she wouldn’t need to seek protection from others.

For Cas, regaining his stolen grace may have saved his life, but at what cost? The loss of his humanity, the return of his obligation to Heaven. And regret over having chosen to be “selfish” and save himself over doing the right thing and killing Metatron before he escaped with the demon tablet:

**CASTIEL** : I was foolish, selfish. Should’ve just killed him. Who knows what he’ll do with that tablet.  
 **SAM** : Well, you know what, Cas? You got your Grace back. You’re back. You did the right thing.  
 **CASTIEL** : You did the right thing. That book needed to be destroyed. We will find another way, Sam.

Meanwhile Sam is lying about having destroyed the book, and Cas begins lying to Dean about how he got his grace back.

There’s a damn REASON they blew the s10 music budget to get the rights to [Behind Blue Eyes](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.azlyrics.com%2Flyrics%2Fwho%2Fbehindblueeyes.html&t=Y2I4YTVhNWQwZjc1MWM5ZGU4Nzg4YjdkNjlmNzMwYjdmODRlNWMxYyxBOUhTQ1ZoOA%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F170504979130%2Fpower-upgrade-anon-i-agree-rowenas-case-is-very&m=1) for that horrifying Last Supper montage there. And there’s a damn reason we call it “The Last Supper Montage.” There was absolutely nothing happy going on in that scene. It looks cheerful on the surface, but it’s all lies and bitterness and resignation.

(seriously, go read the lyrics to Behind Blue Eyes… it ain’t a happy song)

Some of my major meta tags for late s10 were “lies and damn lies,” and various horrifying versions of why “I did what I had to do” are practically the WORST things anyone can say on this show. Because that’s what everyone was doing in late s10.

The fallout over Sam’s lies there led to Charlie’s death, Cas falling under the Attack Dog Spell and nearly dying over THAT instead of his poisonous stolen grace, Rowena having to kill the only person she ever felt love for, all in service to saving Dean from the Mark, which ended up breaking the entire damn universe in the process by releasing the Darkness.

These are all Objectively Poor Choices which were punished by the narrative.

It’s taken Cas  _two more years_  to finally come to terms with even a fraction of what he’s been through as a result of that. To finally accept that he’s accepted unconditionally as a part of the Winchester family and that he doesn’t feel obligated to continue pleading with the other angels for forgiveness and acceptance from them.

And all of that is entirely independent from whatever powers or grace he happens to have. It’s about ///HIM/// and not about what he can DO. Cas’s real struggle isn’t about his power level, but about his “humanity.” That’s how he’s earned his own free will, the severing of his obligations and duty. That HIS freedom.

For Rowena, unbinding her power is about HER. It’s about being strong enough on her own that she’s not subjected to control by outside forces. It’s about liberating herself so that she can’t be used again. That’s HER freedom.

Interesting that their individual freedom is defined in narratively opposite fashion with regards to their relationship with power.

[spn 13.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.12) [rowena](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/rowena) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [on the nature of angel grace](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/on-the-nature-of-angel-grace) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls)[spn 13.04](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.04) [spn 10.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.18) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10) [spn 10.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.03) [spn 10.17](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.17) [heck there's probably other episodes i should be tagging...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/heck-there%27s-probably-other-episodes-i-should-be-tagging...) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 30, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/173455866720/why-do-you-think-cas-hasnt-really-talked-about)

58 notes

**Anonymous asked: Why do you think Cas hasn't really talked about sex in general or his sexual encounter with April since that episode, aside from he and Dean talking about it in an episode shortly after? Is it because Cas became an angel again and thinks about physical/social things like that differently in that state? Or because the show is kinda ashamed of 9x03 and the mess that came after and wants to reference it as little as possible?**

Hi there. This is a really complicated question, and potentially contentious… but I think they have at least partly addressed it, and they’ve continued to address it from different angles– all the Cas vs Humanity stuff (which I tag  [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)).

And (from an external narrative/production level) while I do think most everyone gets how… icky… that whole situation came across and would kinda rather forget the whole thing happened, I also feel that (from an internal narrative and character development viewpoint) Cas taking on the stolen grace in 9.09 and his sudden commitment to angelic duty after his conversation with Dean in the bar earlier in that episode about how well he was finally adapting to humanity was purposely jarring. Over the next few episodes, we get a very clear picture of just how much Cas is mourning the loss of his humanity and his inability to really *feel* human things now that he’s all graced up again.

We get this in everything from subtle changes in his posture and mannerisms and the return of his trenchcoat, all the way to him vocally lamenting his inability to experience something as simple and wholesome as a pbj now that he remembers what it was like to eat as a human and has something to compare it to.

I also think he has had a lot of time to reflect on ALL his human experiences, and we may never get any commentary on that fact in canon, but it’s reasonable to believe that he devoted at least as much consideration to his encounter with April as he did to that sandwich in 9.11. 

It’s entirely possible that his understanding of his encounter with April is something he views as just one more exploration of what it means to be human, what human physical intimacy really felt like, and how his impressions may be shaded due to the circumstances of it, the fact it was just physical intimacy without any sort of emotional attachment behind it. I think to him there’s enough emotional detachment from the act itself that he sees it in a more… academically enlightening fashion than anything.

The same way he lamented his inability to enjoy food now, because of his grace.

Not to mention they’ve kinda been busy with stuff since then… and then there’s the whole guilt thing (not about sex, but about like… everything), and the whole “reevaluating his life choices” thing that resulted from his death in 12.23, his experiences in the Empty, and his resurrection… I mean… all the rest of it has really overshadowed one human experiment more than four years ago that he’s incapable of even feeling/experiencing the same way again now that he has his grace back, you know?

Is it possible that it all might become relevant again in the future? Well, yeah. Is it currently relevant to the whole immediate Potential Extinction of All Angels, on top of the War World Michael Invasion? Well, not really. But it’s still low-level there to be addressed again if it becomes relevant.

[spn 9.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.03) [spn 9.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.09) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [spn 13.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.20) [but only insofar as this is where we are in canon as i write this not because it's relevant to the episode](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-only-insofar-as-this-is-where-we-are-in-canon-as-i-write-this-not-because-it%27s-relevant-to-the-episode)[the scheherazade of supernatural](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-scheherazade-of-supernatural) [because this is yet one more element that needs to be addressed or at least officially dismissed before the end](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-this-is-yet-one-more-element-that-needs-to-be-addressed-or-at-least-officially-dismissed-before-the-end) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[May 18, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/174013194550/petition-for-one-of-the-episodes-next-season-be)

66 notes

**Anonymous asked: petition for one of the episodes next season be just Everyone Has A Good Day - sam finally gets to finish a book he'd been looking forward to reading, cas and jack experiment in the kitchen with different recipes new human jack wants to try, dean gets a free pie at the store when he does a grocery run - cas gets a back massage from dean, and they snuggles on the couch while everyone watches a movie together and eat dinner. they've earned this shit**

OH GOSH.

THIS IS CUTE.

But I just realized, Jack never slept much as a nephilim, but he was sleeping at the beginning of the episode. He also told Lucifer in plain words that he was a human, and then Lucifer made it 100% truth.

I wonder if nougat will taste even better to him now?

And I wonder how Cas will react to Jack’s experiences adapting to humanity without his powers? Because Cas knows how that feels. I wonder how they’re both going to feel, between Cas reminiscing about his experiences, and watching Jack now? Like… nostalgia? Sadness? What is Cas going to gain from watching Jack learn to be completely human after everything they all went through because Jack insisted he needed to be born with all his powers?

I have so many feelings right now…

[spn 13.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.23) [team free will does fun stuff for fun](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/team-free-will-does-fun-stuff-for-fun) [spn s13 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-spoilers) [spn s14 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s14-speculation) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[May 30, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/174419812415/ive-seen-lot-of-meta-how-after-cas-killed-his-au)

18 notes

**Anonymous asked: ive seen lot of meta how after cas killed his AU self that he is now definitively aligned with humans over angels. do you think that will change again in season 14, especially with the lack of angels and he will be off serving heaven again or trying to save it? i mean, contractually we know cas will always be gone the majority of the season so it seems like they are going to just go down that route again to have him off screen and will never get bunker TFW simply cuz misha cant always be there.**

Ah. I mean, Cas as been on an ever more humanward trajectory since like… s4, and every time he’s tried to go back and help Heaven out since then (s6, thinking he was helping Metatron in 8.22 and 8.23, building the angel army in s9 because he was being pushed into it by Metatron again, feeling obligated to help Hannah round up the rogue angels in s10, agreeing to return to Heaven in 12.15, despite clearly telling Kelvin he was only doing so to protect the Winchesters in 12.19…) things have just gone worse and worse for him, you know?

To the point where in 13.19 Naomi didn’t even question the fact that Cas wouldn’t stay in Heaven with the dozen or so remaining angels. She graciously showed him to the door and locked it behind him, despite the perilous state of heaven with so few angels there to hold it all together.

So… yeah, Cas is concerned about this, obviously. He’s also probably going to have this dilemma on his mind (despite his top priority likely finding a way to save Dean from Michael). If there was something he could do to help, I’m sure he’d help.

But will he give himself over to Heaven completely in order to save it? I sincerely doubt it.

And Cas isn’t gone “the majority of the season.” He was in 15 episodes (13 where he had lines, since he was dead in 13.01 and didn’t say anything in 13.04 when he woke up in the Empty). There were only 8 episodes he wasn’t in this season. So he’s effectively in nearly 2/3 of s13. I don’t know what his contract for s14 looks like, but I assume it will be similar.

How that could affect his potential choices in s14 is still unknown, but I assume his concern over heaven’s current state will be a factor in the season somehow. And I don’t think that truly has to limit “Bunker TFW,” because if there were ever an episode Misha wasn’t scheduled in, he could be “exploring a storage room,” or “helping Claire on a hunt,” or “helping one of the AU transplants with research,” or any one of a hundred things that wouldn’t require him recommitting himself to Heaven, you know?

 

Sep 17, 2018

85 notes

**Anonymous asked: Maybe you've addressed this before, but do you think Cas' arc is leading him to ultimately become human? Before I was involved in the fandom, that's how I always interpreted it, just cuz Cas always seemed so intrinsically connected with humanity. To me, it made sense for him to choose to become one at the end. I was surprised to see that some people vehemently disagree with that. So now I'm curious if, from a meta/subtextual perspective, you see his arc going somewhere in particular?**

Hello, anon. I’m curious as to why this is suddenly a point of interest again, but who knows the mysterious ways of the tumbls? Since you sent this message last night (I saw it in my inbox at like 3 am and was like… Imma sleep and have coffee before even attempting to reply), I’ve had a chance to scroll around a bit and seen some resuscitated ancient (in tumblr terms) posts going around again… I was unable to discover if there was some sort of inciting incident that has raised this topic like a zombie from the grave today. So hopefully my reply isn’t just talking in circles around something I’m unaware of. D:

But yes, I have addressed this before. Rather extensively. I have tags for that:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you+learned+it+from+the+goats>

This is general Cas vs Humanity stuff, and evolved out of an older tag:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29>

and one with posts going back to 2014:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels+and+souls/chrono>

and possibly this one as well:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/on+the+nature+of+angel+grace/chrono>

and I just spent a pleasant hour tag spelunking and reading old posts. :P I intended to pick a few key posts to stick here, but honestly I don’t really want to spend that much time rereading all of this old discourse, or I could burn the rest of the day on it… >.>

As part of the larger structure of the narrative, Castiel’s arc  _must also serve those larger narrative themes_ , and is not “just” about him personally. This is what makes him integral to the narrative, but it also shifts the way we need to look at his personal arc, and why through that lens, endgame angel!Cas just… doesn’t make sense to me, personally. Just like an endgame where Michael wins and destroys the world doesn’t make sense, or an endgame where Chuck comes back and magically boops everything into paradise doesn’t make sense. It defies the larger themes of the narrative.

I’m gonna put the rest of this under a cut, because I know that for some people, discussions of endgame human!Cas can be upsetting.

These themes of humans vs angels have been pinned to his arc since he was first introduced. His entire s4 arc was about him rejecting Heaven’s orders and choosing to side with humanity instead. I honestly do not think he’s ever been as abjectly miserable as he was in s6 when he took on the burden of leadership in Heaven, sacrificing himself to spare the people he cared about.

And this theme has come back around again in s12 and s13, through Cas’s ill-fated choice to steal the Colt in 12.19, continuing to reject heaven or the chance for personal “redemption” by heaven and the other angels in favor of sacrificing himself for his chosen family, the Winchesters. He still feels the need to be “useful,” and that is in large part due to the fact that he does have powers beyond what humans do. With great power comes great responsibility… and he feels the burden of that power constantly. All the while the Winchesters don’t have any special powers, and yet continue to fight against impossible odds in order to protect the rest of humanity, you know? It’s one of the major themes of the entire series.

It’s not just about the choices and sacrifices they make, but what compels them. And for Cas, this sense of duty is at the center of the heartbreaking choices he’s made for a decade. The fact the narrative continues to present the same series of questions to Cas over and over again (Are you an angel or a man? Will you side with Heaven or Humanity?) and yet hasn’t given us a definitive answer yet means this is still very much the core of Cas’s character journey.

And I ask… why raise this specific question at all if it won’t eventually demand a complete answer? And why raise it  _repeatedly_ , over the course of  _ten years_ , while Cas has gradually progressed through the sorts of experiences he’s had  _if it were not a personal journey of growth_?

I know that loads of people have seen Cas’s arc through different lenses of personal experience, and I understand that those varying interpretations have led to very different opinions on where Cas is ultimately headed. It’s possible to define his character arc through the lens of an immigrant holding on to his culture despite fully immersing himself in his adopted homeland. It’s possible to define his character arc as an outcast by his own people seeking redemption and acceptance by them. But to me, neither of those viewpoints cover his entire arc, or fit thematically with the larger narrative of the series. And I personally can’t divorce Cas and his importance to the larger narrative just for the convenience of applying my favored interpretation.

That said, my personal bias is to view Castiel’s entire arc, from his first introduction in 4.01 right through his sad puppy face at the end of 13.23, and all of his relations with Heaven, humanity, God, and angels in the meantime, as a narrative of queerness and identity.

I mean, go back and reread all of Naomi’s lines from s8, and imagine them as delivered by a conservative parent putting their queer child through conversion therapy. It’s… chilling. She eventually does come around and is willing to talk with Cas, potentially even welcoming him back to Heaven, expressing a desire to understand him and his point of view, but it’s too late in 8.23 and they all end up paying a price for it. Even upon Naomi’s return in 13.19, she doesn’t reject Cas, but understands that Cas has grown and changed, that he’s been living free of her corrections and repairs for five years, and that he’s not broken. He just is who he is. She doesn’t demand he stay in Heaven, even in the dire situation they’ve found themselves in. And in her own way, she accepts just as much responsibility for the current situation as Cas does, or she wouldn’t have come back to lead, you know?

And then we had 13.22, where Cas met an alternate version of himself that was never able to escape from Heaven’s reprogramming, and where he ended up so completely broken  _by the fact that he never escaped that cycle of reprogramming_. And the difference between them? 

**Castiel (AW):** You align yourself with the h-humans.  
 **Castiel:**  I vastly prefer them to angels.  
 **Castiel (AW):**  Don’t think that you are better than me. Well, we are the same.  
 **Castiel:** Yes. We are.

AU Castiel could barely bring himself to say the word “humans.” It had been literally tortured out of him, this impulse to side with humanity. Because we know that isn’t a new trait for him, and that this impulse has had to be “corrected” before in our universe (like him not remembering the slaughter of the firstborns because Naomi wiped his memories of his involvement and implied rebellion).

The thing that has caused Cas the most “vulnerability” in this respect over the years, the thing that continues to burden him regarding his choices and motivations for self-sacrificing, are all directly connected to his grace. Aside from that  _one time_  he voluntarily stepped up to do what he could, because he couldn’t just sit on the sidelines in 9.09.

I mean, yes, in 9.06 the angel came for HIM, and he didn’t have a choice but to stand up and defend himself (and the innocent human child in his care at the time), but he could’ve remained “safe” from all of this in 9.09, and instead went out seeking to become involved. Which led directly to him feeling compelled to steal another angel’s grace to save himself (and warn Dean about Ezekiel not being Ezekiel)– an act Cas despised himself for taking, and filed under “I did what I had to do,” and labeled “barbaric.” Because the only way he felt he could be truly “useful” was if he had his powers.

Like… how is this a good thing for Cas as an individual? It’s like Dean at the peak of his own depression falling into alcoholism because it was “easier” to deal with his issues that way. Or Sam wanting to remain soulless because it was easier to not have to deal with his feelings (at least until AFTER he got his soul back…), or Dean wanting to remain a demon because– in Cas’s words, where it’s clear he’s speaking from personal experience:

**SAM** : What the hell are we doing to him, Cas? I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human.  
 **CASTIEL** : Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

Because he most definitely DID see Dean’s point, exactly. ONLY HUMANS CAN FEEL REAL JOY. He knows from personal experience, as a human, that what he feels as an angel in possession of grace is  _not the same_. As an angel, he can divorce himself from the feelings he remembers having… not just the joy, but the pain. And it is  _easier_ , maybe, but would Cas reach a point where he felt it was worth it, when his desire to feel that sort of true human joy overcame the “it’s easier not to have to feel anything” mindset he has as an angel. And in that way, this seems  _directly_  tied to the eventual resolution of his depression, his self-understanding, and his sense of self worth.

Basically, he’s got mojo dysphoria. As long as he’s burdened with it, he feels compelled to “pass” as an angel, even if it’s not truly what he wants or feels about himself. In this respect, his grace isn’t a “part of his true identity” any more than a trans person’s deadname is a part of their “true identity.” 

And that’s how I personally see it. But please, I encourage you to go read through all those tags, because there have been absolute TOMES written on this subject.

[you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [I can't blind myself to the entirety of canon to make an assumption that his endgame is as an angel basically](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/I-can%27t-blind-myself-to-the-entirety-of-canon-to-make-an-assumption-that-his-endgame-is-as-an-angel-basically) [yes he said he just wanted to be an angel that one time when he thought Dean was dead and lost to him](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yes-he-said-he-just-wanted-to-be-an-angel-that-one-time-when-he-thought-Dean-was-dead-and-lost-to-him) [and he'd failed all of heaven in the process... but that wasn't about angel vs human](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-he%27d-failed-all-of-heaven-in-the-process...-but-that-wasn%27t-about-angel-vs-human) [that was about hannah essentially offering him the leadership role of heaven](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-was-about-hannah-essentially-offering-him-the-leadership-role-of-heaven) [which he DID NOT WANT... rather than being the RULER he just wanted to be an ANGEL](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/which-he-DID-NOT-WANT...-rather-than-being-the-RULER-he-just-wanted-to-be-an-ANGEL) [i.e. just another soldier who could forget about how he ended up in this miserable position](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i.e.-just-another-soldier-who-could-forget-about-how-he-ended-up-in-this-miserable-position) [and not feel burdened with the role of trying to hold all of heaven together in the aftermath](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-not-feel-burdened-with-the-role-of-trying-to-hold-all-of-heaven-together-in-the-aftermath) [there is a HUGE GAPING DIFFERENCE](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/there-is-a-HUGE-GAPING-DIFFERENCE) [and again CONTEXT FUCKING MATTERS HERE](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-again-CONTEXT-FUCKING-MATTERS-HERE) [like Dean insisting he doesn't do shorts and hates chick flicks and whatever else](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/like-Dean-insisting-he-doesn%27t-do-shorts-and-hates-chick-flicks-and-whatever-else) [those statements aren't proof of the thing... they literally prove the opposite IN CONTEXT ugh okay](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/those-statements-aren%27t-proof-of-the-thing...-they-literally-prove-the-opposite-IN-CONTEXT-ugh-okay) [shutting up now :P](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/shutting-up-now-%3AP) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Oct 25, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/179424116605/hi-every-time-when-i-rewatch-9x06-i-become)

22 notes

**Anonymous asked: Hi! Every time when I rewatch 9x06 I become absolutely thrilled about the fact that the pain and deep emotions that all people can feel are considered as totally unbearable for angels and even less desirable than death. I don’t know why but I love it so much...**

YEP. Oh my gosh, and honestly? CAS STANDS HIS GROUND AND AFFIRMS THAT HE’D PREFER TO LIVE. Yes, he’s struggled and will likely continue to struggle, because ALL HUMAN BEINGS do. And humans aren’t totally destroyed by ever small emotional setback (or even large emotional setbacks), but  _we keep living anyway_. And things do get better, we survive and keep working to  _make_  things better. This is how we do, it’s how Sam and Dean have been doing since they can remember.

And the fact that so many other angels fail to find that purpose in life, that reason to endure the bumps, continues to set Cas apart from the other angels far into the future from here. I mean, the angel in 9.22 who literally chose an agonizing death, burned by holy oil, rather than let Cas heal him and then feel as if he owed his life to Cas and his ideas… not to mention Hannan– aka the first angel Cas got THIS CLOSE to helping understand the whole free will and humanity thing, only for her to reject it for herself in order to give her vessel back her own human life.

I mean, Cas is definitely a standout here, and we love him for it. :)

[spn 9.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.06) [spn 9.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.22) [spn 10.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.07) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Dec 11, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/181018647985/im-watching-609-and-this-exchange-sam-yeah)

206 notes

I’m watching 6.09 and this exchange:

**SAM** : Yeah. Okay. Look. Brings up a question. So, say you got a soul and you’re on a case, and your brother gets abducted by aliens—  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, then you do everything you can to get him back.  
 **SAM** : Right! You do, but, what about when there are no more leads for the night? Are you supposed to just sit there in the dark and suffer, even when there’s nothing that can be done at that moment?  
 **DEAN** : YES!  
 **SAM:** What?  
 **DEAN** : Yes, you sit in the dark and feel the loss.  
 **SAM** : Absolutely! But couldn’t I just do all that and have sex with the hippie chick?  
 **DEAN** : No!  
 **SAM** : It’d be in the dark.  
 **DEAN** : No you couldn’t because you would be suffering, and you can’t just turn that off for the night.  
 **WAITRESS** : Thanks, guys.  
 **DEAN** : Thank y—  
 **SAM** : Why not?  
 **DEAN** : Because if you had a soul, your soul wouldn’t let you.  
 **SAM** : So you’re saying having a soul equals suffering.  
 **DEAN** : Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  
 **SAM** : Like, the million times you almost called Lisa. So you’re saying suffering is a good thing.  
 **DEAN** : I’m saying it’s the only game in town.

So Sam, currently without his soul, is trying to understand the function of a soul, trying to understand how to adapt his behavior to align with how he would’ve reacted when he did have his soul. Dean boils all of it down to, “having a soul equals suffering.”

So…

In 14.08:

**COSMIC ENTITY** : Stop interrupting! Start paying attention. I’m taking him. And where I’m taking you is worse than Hell… because at least Hell is something. Ohh. Ohh, God, they look scared. Does that hurt you? Good… because I want it to. 

and

**CAS** : I’m the one you want. I’m the one who woke you up.  
 **COSMIC ENTITY** : You? But you’re already mine.  
 **CAS** : Not for years… eons maybe. But if you’ll agree, I will go now, and I will go willingly.  
 **COSMIC ENTITY** : Deal. [Cas closes his eyes, waiting to be taken, but the Entity laughs] Oh, but not now. No, no, no, no, no. No, you see, I-I meant what I said. I-I want you to suffer. I want you to go back to– to your normal life and– and then forget about this and forget about me. And– And then, when you finally give yourself permission to be happy and let the sun shine on your face, that’s when I’ll come. That’s when I’ll come to drag you to nothing.  
 **CAS** : I accept. 

So… the entity wanted Cas to suffer. He wanted Cas to hurt even before this deal was struck. Suffering, the domain of the human soul. And Cas is there. Suffering.

Which also reminds me of this line from 10.03:

**SAM** : What the hell are we doing to him, Cas? I mean, even after I gave him all that blood, he still said he didn’t want to be cured, that he didn’t want to be human.  
 **CASTIEL** : Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

Do with this information what you will… I know I’ll personally be rolling over on the floor, crying.

[spn s14 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s14-spoilers) [spn 14.08](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-14.08) [spn s14 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s14-meta-rewatch) [spn 6.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-6.09) [spn 10.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.03) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls)


	3. Chapter 3

May 30, 2016

62 notes

I was just talking with [@justanotheridijiton](https://tmblr.co/msbbZom6stVUaSwCo2j0eeQ) and somehow ended up inadvertently comparing Cas with Pinocchio and Chuck with the Blue Fairy. But considering one of the main underlying themes of the last 4 seasons has been Humanity and our Free Will vs the Grand Plan, I think this is a pretty fair comparison. Let me explain.

For the purposes of this comparison, I guess “God” would be the blue fairy AND Gepetto, but considering God was also Chuck, I still think it works.

Chuck said the angels “needed to be born” and not that he specifically designed and created them. But his creative desires are what spawned the universe, and it grew into something “better” than him and Amara. AKA, humanity. At least that’s what Chuck told Metatron in 11.20.

The show has always put humanity, with all its faults, above the petty squabbles of Heaven and Hell, going all the way back to the Apocalypse. Humanity tore up the script, and we’ve been doing it all along.

When Cas fell in 8.23 and lost his grace for a time, he got to experience humanity first-hand. And it changed him more than any other angel (except perhaps Metatron, who also experienced humanity first-hand and then used his experiences to leverage Chuck into stepping up to save the universe he created).

Cas has been confronted by this question since he fell. What are you? Where do your loyalties truly lie? Are you an angel or a man? “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven but ultimately it was all about saving one human, right?”

And I think for THIS SPECIFIC REASON, that Cas is still straddling this fence between heaven and earth, that he hasn’t yet truly decided which side he belongs on, that Chuck didn’t include him in his final speech to Dean at the end of 11.23.

Chuck told Dean that the Earth would be okay because it has him and Sam, because he’s Dean “Humanity” Winchester, not because Dean and Sam will have to step up and rule the earth as new gods. The whole point was that the Earth (and humanity in general) doesn’t  _need_  new gods, because they have what Dean has always been the symbolic pinnacle of: Free Will. In a word: Humanity.

For all he loves humanity, for all he identifies with humanity,  _Cas is not human_. He’s still struggling with who and what he is, and who and what he wants to be. Now that he’s finally free from his obligations to serve Heaven, free from his duty as a warrior of God, I expect that his main focus of s12 will be his journey to making a decision about which side of the fence he wants to live on permanently. Until he decides, he’s still got one final resolution with Chuck open to him, if he even wants it at this point.

After all, isn’t one of the grand features of Humanity and Free Will the freedom to make these sorts of decisions for himself? Not because Chuck would approve of or condemn his choice, but because it’s what would truly make CAS happy?

Dean may already consider Cas a part of his family, but Cas is only just beginning to understand what that means to Dean. Because all this time, Cas has been divided, one part of himself still tied to his heavenly duty and angelic identity, but the other part slowly growing from thinking of himself as an angel occupying a vessel into understanding what it means to be truly human. For the very first time in 11.23, Cas referred to his physical vessel as “my body.” And while he’s finally identified himself AS THAT BODY, there’s still a part of him that was angel enough to be banished by Toni’s sigil. He’s still not decided for himself what he wants to be.

Because Cas’s happiness will forever be more important to me than anything Chuck could ever do for him. Cas has come  _so far_  in his own evolution from a being of “celestial intent” created because it “needed to be born,” but without a true identity or a desire for anything other than upholding the status quo of the universe or being manipulated as a tool for those purposes. He’s, for lack of a better word, becoming a  _person_ , and whatever decision he makes in the end will truly be his own. Free Will, not interfered with by God or heaven or anyone else.

In the same way that the entire universe seemed to have been building to the moment when Dean chose  _a different way_ , reuniting Chuck and Amara through love rather than letting the universe die through hate, I think Castiel’s journey has been about him choosing a different way for himself.

As for the pinocchio metaphor I started this post with, Cas has made a few mistakes like Pinocchio did on his journey to become a real boy. But that’s the real struggle he’s had to overcome. To err is human, and like any human Cas has erred plenty. But the divine on Supernatural has never been very forgiving. No, forgiveness in their universe has pretty universally also been human. It took a HUMAN armed with the power of thousands of other HUMAN souls in order for the divine forces of the universe to learn how to forgive each other.

[spn 11.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.23) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [he's choosing a different way](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/he%27s-choosing-a-different-way) [A BETTER WAY according to Chuck's own assessment of humanity as inherently better than him and Amara](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/A-BETTER-WAY-according-to-Chuck%27s-own-assessment-of-humanity-as-inherently-better-than-him-and-Amara) [a way in which chuck's judgment on the matter is rendered entirely irrelevant as of the moment he deemed humanity better than himself](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/a-way-in-which-chuck%27s-judgment-on-the-matter-is-rendered-entirely-irrelevant-as-of-the-moment-he-deemed-humanity-better-than-himself)

 

[Feb 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156767704465/let-me-start-off-by-saying-ive-never-been-one-of)

23 notes

**Anonymous asked: Let me start off by saying I've never been one of those people that overreact and immediately assume the worst, but after 12x11 I find myself unable to shake the sick feeling that Cas is headed towards his imminent death. I haven't seen any signs of his self-esteem improving any time soon, no matter how many times Dean calls him family, and he's proven he's willing to sacrifice himself for the winchesters without hesitance. Have u seen any story clues that could point to a happier alternative?**

Ah. I think you mean 12.10, not 12.11 (which is likely to drive us all to an early grave with Dean Feels™), but frankly I don’t think we’re seeing anything different about Cas than we have all along.

I mean… For the last couple of years I’ve been saying that Cas would eventually get to a point where, fully informed and in full possession of his wits, not as a last-ditch resort because he FULLY CHOSE IT OF HIS OWN FREE WILL.

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145160948635/i-was-just-talking-with-justanotheridijiton-and>

And that’s the tip of the iceberg. I have been saying since early s9 that Cas will eventually CHOOSE to be human. And that’s the question that everyone has put to him all these years. Are you an angel or a man?

And that’s what I think all this foreshadowing that you’re seeing as “Cas sacrifices himself” will amount to. I think he’ll choose humanity.

 

 

[Feb 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156768420105/lol-this-show-building-up-the-will-he-choose)

10 notes

**Anonymous asked: Lol this show building up the "will he choose angels or humanity?!?" Like bitch we KNOW which he's gonna choose 😂**

Yep. AND THEY’VE BEEN BUILDING IT UP SINCE S4 REALLY. I mean, that’s what the Big Moment in 4.22 was, right? Tearing up the script, Cas choosing to save humanity over the Grand Plans of Heaven. I mean… 

9.23:

METATRON: Ah. So Gadreel bites the dust. And the Angel tablet – arguably the most powerful instrument in the history of the universe – is in pieces, and for what again? Oh, that’s right – to save Dean Winchester. That was your goal, right? I mean, you draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?

11.02:

EFRAM: Brother? Ha! What are you?  
CASTIEL: W-what? I’m an angel of the Lord.  
EFRAM: That so? ‘Cause,  **near as I can tell, when you have to choose between heaven and the Winchesters …**  
JONAH:  **You choose them.**  
EFRAM: Every time. So, see, you’re not my brother. 

I mean, there’s more, but I got five more messages in the old inbox, and while I could flail on about this all damn day, you’re 100% right. WE FREAKING KNOW WHAT HE’S GONNA CHOOSE JUST GIVE IT TO HIM ALREADY SHEESH! :P

[spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10) [spn 9.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.23) [spn 11.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.02) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

 

 

[Feb 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156806954660/do-you-think-theres-any-significance-with-cas)

23 notes

**[deaneatscake](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/) asked: Do you think there's any significance with Cas saying "I asked questions, but maybe they were [...] the wrong questions" (12x09) and "this will do very little for me, but I appreciate the gesture" (12x10)? They were both in a different context but it feels like they were broader statements hinting that Cas maybe needs something else to make him feel at home/wanted? I appreciate that they were talking (the 12x10 talk with Sam and Dean was awesome) but it still feels like somethings missing..**

Yeah, Cas has been struggling with a lot of big questions, about who he is and where he belongs.

I also found it telling that one of the insults Ishim flung at Cas in the diner scene included, “No wings, no home. Just a ratty old coat and a pair of poorly trained monkeys.”

Yet… we know that Dean has expressed the fact that Cas DOES have a home with them, that he does have family with them. But what does that mean for Cas?

This is a HUGE step forward for him in beginning to find answers to those questions– answers he can feel good about and accept as the absolute truth. Now we just need to keep honing those words down until he’s able to truly internalize what these things mean for him.

[spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10) [spn 12.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.09) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [mijrake](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/mijrake)

 

 

[Feb 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156855534930/there-are-so-many-times-this-show-makes-me-sad)

18 notes

**Anonymous asked: There are so many times this show makes me sad because they don't SAY things to each other. Like that one time Sam told Charlie, so emotionally, that he knows now he wants to hunt but he he doesn't want to do it without Dean which is such a huge change from Sam at the beginning and something Dean so needed to hear and it would have helped Dean a lot with some of his issues. That's why I'm so glad TFW finally talked at the end of the episode. At least Cas got the affirmation he needed lol.**

> And i’m kinda wondering what it *will* take for Cas to understand, y'know? Like plot and show-wise, what else is left for Dean and Sam to do? I think Cas definitely has some inner things to work on before he can be in a place to even accept what they’re trying to tell him, but even beyond that, i really am like “what are the building up to with all this?” (Note: i’m not teasing canon destiel or suggesting that or anything, i’m really just wondering how this part of Cas’s arc will resolve).

Hi there! And yeah, they’re still having these conversations that take them one step forward, but still leave a lot of things unsaid. That’s just the nature of an ongoing story, you can’t tell the whole thing all at once or there’s no story left to tell. :D

Cas really is still trying to figure out where he wants to be, and this episode was a wonderful reminder to all of us that Cas is an ancient being and only the last tiny fraction of his existence has been the part that included the Winchesters. A creature who once watched the first fish flop its way onto dry land and then the entirety of humanity’s evolution from that moment forward… puts things in perspective for him, and reminds us just how FREAKING MONUMENTAL the change he’s undergone in the last 8 years really is.

He may always have been the angel with too much heart, with a crack in his chassis, the spanner in the works, but even as recently as 1901 he was still loyal enough to heaven to have earned his own commanding position over a flight of angels. He may have defied orders in the past, or questioned his superiors in the past, or just flat-out refused to carry out orders, but not until he touched Dean Winchester’s soul in hell did he EVER defy all of Heaven to this degree.

For a human.

He’s still got a lot of the burden of the billions of years of his existence BEFORE the Winchesters to reconcile with what he’s been growing into SINCE the Winchesters…

His story has always been about what it means to be human, first from the POV of an outsider observing humanity, but gradually becoming more and more like humans every day, learning and internalizing those lessons and then attempting to reconcile them with what he’s always BEEN since the dawn of time.

For me, anyway, it’s not about so much as what will finally tip him over the brink, or what will finally make him fully understand, it’s always been about this journey he’s been on since he crashed through those barn doors.

[spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Feb 6, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156910704935/some-people-they-would-prefer-cas-choice-to-be-a)

46 notes

**[m-sherezade](https://m-sherezade.tumblr.com/) asked: Some people they would prefer Cas choice to be a human being, someday. I respect that preference but I believe it is crucially important he accepted himself as angel. He feel that your life lacks meaning now but when he was a human he was feeling tormented, anxious, or empty feelings. He is an angel not accepted by others angels but He is better angel than them. That is something he need to know. I hope do not that this changes his nature.I hope He learn to love himself and respect himself.**

Aw, I think you’re really going to be disappointed then. Because I think he already knows he’s a better angel than most of them. I mean, he knows God himself kept resurrecting him. And I think he’s definitely beginning to understand this. It’s a long, slow process.

But… one of the central themes of the entire series is the conceit that Humanity is the Ideal. That the entire universe was created to be “better than God and Amara.” To prove that something “Better” than them could exist. (Literally in the words of God in the series…). And Humanity is the pinnacle of that creation. The angels were assigned to watch over and protect mankind.

Castiel’s entire plot arc since 4.01 has literally been his discovery, understanding, and acceptance, and experience of that fact.

They’ve been setting him up for the last 9 years to eventually fall and become human. So I hope, even if it’s not what you want to see happen, that you won’t be too upset when it likely eventually will…

If it helps any, I think whatever pushes him into making that final choice for himself, it will hinge on the fact that he does love and respect himself, and that he finally feels happy with his choice.

I mean, I can’t 100% guarantee I’m right here… but I’d wager cash money that I am.

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [and I'm not saying it's going to happen this season](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-I%27m-not-saying-it%27s-going-to-happen-this-season) [but it's gonna happen before the end of the series](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-it%27s-gonna-happen-before-the-end-of-the-series) [m-sherezade](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/m-sherezade)

 

[eb 12, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157167744435/12-eye-anon-yeah-it-could-very-well-be-dean)

7 notes

**Anonymous asked: 1/2 (eye anon) Yeah, it could very well be Dean who faces the "eye for an eye" consequence. But possibly Cas, either in place of or in addition to? Cas could have his wings taken (if he still has them??) or possibly what's left of his grace. Something like that. Something to make him even with the universe. But yeah Dean's the one that gets a lot of eye imagery. So i'm betting on one of them physically or otherwise losing something, or being set up to lose it and then them finding another way.**

> 2/2 Even though this season’s been on an upswing as far as tone and mood, of course there still has to be drama and pain to get through, so that’s what’s got me thinking something’s gonna come of the cosmic consequence thing. If you’ve ever seen “Fullmetal Alchemist” it pretty much has this as its core. One characters performs an act of alchemy that ultimately costs him his eyesight as payment despite his best efforts. Because the universe doesn’t forget and takes what its owed.

Ah, hello, eye anon! I see you there! ;-)

Okay enough eye humor. :D

First of all, I haven’t seen Fullmetal Alchemist, so I’ll take your word for it. But it’s pretty much a universal scientific/magical/physical fact that every action has an equal and opposite reaction, you know? Newton’s Third Law said so. It’s essentially what the concept of karma boils down to, as well. The three-fold law of a lot of pagan beliefs is even harsher (or more generous), stating that whatever you put out into the universe, for good or for ill, will come back to you threefold.

That’s a pretty powerful incentive to send out more good energy than ill, if it’s being returned to you in triplicate, you know?

As you said this season’s been on a general upswing so far, and I think that’s a trend that will continue despite what appear to be setbacks– even significant ones. Because that’s the entire point of retelling their past over and over again, that  _they’re getting the chance to find another way_. 

Yeah, bad things are gonna continue to happen, but they’ve got better ways of coping and defeating them this time around.

They’re not playing cosmic catch-up anymore. They had pancakes with God and reset the balance of the universe. Nothing is the same as it was before.

(oh, and for the record, last we saw Cas does have his wings back, as of 10.18. They’re just burnt and broken like all the other angels’ wings aside from Lucifer’s, and probably Michael’s. and also for the record, I do believe that Cas’s eventual choice will be to let go of his grace and fall… but that’s something I’ve already written about… in triplicate. :D)

[spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)[s12 as s6 redux](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-as-s6-redux) [spn 12.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.09) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Mar 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158248818415/i-just-recently-rewatched-season-8-and-in-8x23)

37 notes

**[angie-winchester](http://angie-winchester.tumblr.com/) asked: I just recently rewatched season 8 and in 8x23 Metatron tells Cas to find him once he lived his human life on earth and his /soul/ returnes to heaven. But in 6x20 Cas says he's an angel and doesn't have a soul to sell... not-yet-realised plot point or just fuck up of tptb? Thoughts?**

neither. This is just the way the story has developed. It’s not a fuck up. It’s not a *shudders* retcon. It’s the natural progression of a storyline. This is the sort of detail that makes stories worth telling, tbh.

(not to mention I am a very Defensive Writer Person who is Very Defensive of other writer people, and the implication that “they just fucked up” is not one I take lightly, especially considering just how diligent and thorough these writers have been in mirroring and paralleling the entire series, and we’re talking about Edlund and Carver here… widely considered two of the most understanding of the story and sensitive to the characters in the history of the entire series, so I’m especially defensive on their behalves…)

Maybe Cas really didn’t have a soul back then. in 8.23, when Metatron cut out his grace, popular theory is that in its place, a soul developed. I mean, that’s just one theory. Others are that he’d gradually been “growing” a soul the closer he got to humanity.

And that theory’s sort of supported by 12.10 and Ishim’s declaration that humans are dangerous to angels… that human love is like poison to angels (because they develop these feelings, doorways to doubt, that lead angels to fall… like Anna did, which gave her a soul…)

Maybe Cas wouldn’t have recognized it in himself either, even if he HAD developed a soul.

(There’s also the “profound bond” theory, that when Cas pulled Dean out of Hell and left that mark on his soul and on his shoulder, they did a little “swap,” a bit of Cas’s grace for a piece of Dean’s soul, and that could contribute to why the two of them DO seem to have an uncanny bond… but that’s neither here nor there for the purposes of this question.)

Regardless, while Cas was human during s9, he must’ve had a soul (or the next closest thing to a soul). If Cas had lived out the rest of his life as a human, that soul would’ve gone to heaven. Metatron even mocked him with his own interpretation of Cas’s “personal” heaven in 9.22. How awful was that? 

Especially the part where the angel Josiah’s dying words to Cas were, “I look into your eyes and I don’t see an angel staring back at me.”

Even back in 9.06 when Ephraim found Cas and was ready to kill him to end his suffering:

CASTIEL: I want to live.  
EPHRAIM: But as what, Castiel? As an angel? or a man?

This is the basic question that pretty much everyone’s been putting to Cas for a long time now. He’s been asked when he was literally human. He’s been asked while subsisting (and burning out) on stolen grace. He’s been asked after having his own damaged grace returned to him.

Yes, he has now called the Winchesters his family, he knows the bunker is as much a home to him as it is to them. But really, this is the one BIG question he’s still got to answer. Is he an angel or a man.

Because right now, he’s sort of both, and sort of neither.

Angels look at him and don’t see an angel staring back.

Dean looks at him and…

I think Dean’s already accepted him 100% either way… but Cas needs to answer this question for himself.

And the story’s given us just enough information to read the situation either way. He has a soul, he has angel grace. But what would he choose for himself?

(oh and his line to Crowley in 6.20? PURE CASTIEL SASS. It’s a freaking great line, however you want to read it)

(and this is actually such a big part of the ongoing plotline that I have a tag for that… [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he’s no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are%20you%20an%20angel%20or%20a%20man%20castiel%3F%20\(hint%3A%20he's%20no%20angel\))

[spn 8.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.23) [spn 6.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-6.20) [spn 9.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn--9.06) [spn 9.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.22) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [angie-winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angie-winchester)

 

[Mar 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158255604340/do-you-think-theyre-going-to-go-into-another-cas)

36 notes

**Anonymous asked: Do you think they're going to go into another "Cas tries to do the right thing but ends up fucking everything up royally" thing again? Idk what to think of Cas' decision to go to heaven... If it turns into him unequivocally choosing Sam and Dean over heaven, I'm all for it. But... I'm worried he's gonna get shit for this again**

Hello anon! I would like to introduce you to other anon:

> Anonymous said: One thing I wonder is whether maybe the angels taking cas back to heaven is only a trap to punish him in some way for killing Billy and thus breaking the winchester’s deal with her. After all, Misha said during one of the latest cons that we would see the “cosmic consequences” play out and I can imagine the angels could take an interest in that.

I know, I know. Not exactly the same question here, but since they’re both about Heaven and Cas, I figured I’d just wad them up into a ball and save the chance I’d accidentally repeat myself. :P

Since I’m already essentially repeating myself by answering either of these questions. I typed a lot today.

*ow my hands :P*

I think this is going to be an inversion of the “Cas tries to do the right thing and ends up fucking everything up royally” thing. S12 has been inverting literally everything.

Here have some previous thoughts from Lizbob on the subject:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158251042380/at-the-beginning-of-that-all-hands-on-deck-scene>

And another message I answered earlier today that’s really similar to both of these:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158248064580/the-el-sol-sign-in-the-bar-and-the-playground>

And I know I touched on all of this in my super duper Mega answer:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158238191540/hi-so-does-this-mean-that-sam-has-completed-the>

Re: the cosmic consequences:

Davy Perez also [tweeted before 12.12 aired](https://twitter.com/davyperez/status/829923254919852038) that he was ready to face the “cosmic consequences” for it. Yeah, Davy’s a giant troll, but his tweets aren’t usually flat-out lies. I’m gonna go with [these tweets](https://twitter.com/davyperez) from him as backing up my position:

I mean, Davy’s an absolute delight, but he speaks in sarcasm.

Cas nearly dying by Michael’s lance, and Crowley BREAKING said lance to cure him… I’m sure those aren’t cosmic consequences. >.>

All these plots everyone’s getting entangled in because Mary survived to perpetuate the Winchester family’s involvement with the BMoL… everything from the mission to Ramiel’s house to steal The Colt, the monster genocide the MoL are trying to achieve that parallels the cosmically far-reaching, balance-of-nature-messing, pulling one of the “Great Levers” as Metatron once referred to the Demon Tablet Trials and slamming the gates of Hell forever… I’m sure none of those things are actually the “cosmic consequences” Billie described would result from the breaking of her deal… >.>

Because if Mary hadn’t survived, NONE OF THOSE OTHER THINGS WOULD’VE HAPPENED. We’re already seeing the ripples of her continued existence on the narrative.

great now I’m turning into Davy “sarcastic troll” Perez… sorry. I just spent a lot of time on his twitter. :P

Suffice it to say, I don’t believe Cas is in a “resigned to go back to heaven to just take his punishment” place. I do honestly believe his confession in 12.12. But I also honestly believe he NEEDS to go back one last time, so that he can freely CHOOSE to stay on Earth. Without either Heaven’s absolution for his past, or else his own acceptance that the angels really aren’t the family he identifies with anymore, his choice to stay on Earth, to stay with his human family, IS NOT REALLY A CHOICE.

It’s a last resort. It’s staying because he has no other choice, and that is the WORST thing anyone can say on Supernatural.

I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE.

Seriously. Worst Thing.

He must have a choice. And only then can he freely make the one the narrative’s been TELLING us he would for the last 4 years (at least).

[spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [spn 12.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.15) [davy perez appreciation tag](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/davy-perez-appreciation-tag) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous) [COSMIC. CONSEQUENCES.](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/COSMIC.-CONSEQUENCES.)

 

[man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous) [COSMIC. CONSEQUENCES.](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/COSMIC.-CONSEQUENCES.)

[Mar 12, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158312278325/neven-ebrez-the-kelvin-scale-is-an-absolute)

931 notes

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/594e8551d09b4781aa07b47ed2bcfa89/tumblr_ommwheAjzj1tiiumto2_540.gif)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/4c0c994ab6cc8377e2dbf101d164ce96/tumblr_ommwheAjzj1tiiumto3_540.gif)   


  
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[neven-ebrez](http://neven-ebrez.tumblr.com/post/158290380463/the-kelvin-scale-is-an-absolute-thermodynamic):

> The Kelvin scale is an absolute, thermodynamic temperature scale using as its null point absolute zero, the temperature at which all thermal motion ceases in the classical description of thermodynamics. The Kelvin is often used in the measure of the color temperature of light sources.  
> –  
> They sure gave an interesting name to the angel who offers Castiel redemption.

  

 

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.15) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)

[Mar 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158503513875/the-magazine-cas-is-reading-in-somewhere-between)

74 notes

**Anonymous asked: the magazine Cas is reading in somewhere between heaven and hell has CANINE on the back of it.... LIKE CAS IS A DOGGY**

That’s about the clearest shot I could find of it, and does it say CANINE FAIRY BALLET? And is that doggo wearing a floofy pink tutu? This is even wilder than the dog riding a skateboard.

(And I know that Coeur D’Alene has a long history with [William T. Sherman](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.museumni.org%2FNewsletFall2012.pdf&t=NGVjY2NlMWQ3YmRmNTI4ODcyZjU0OGMzNDAwOGUwMzEzNjljZTFkNyxtbE9meGloOQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F158503513875%2Fthe-magazine-cas-is-reading-in-somewhere-between&m=1), but for some reason I’ve had Dory the fish on the brain for the last few weeks and all I keep thinking is “P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.” And then THAT thought reminds me of the time Cas had been banished back in 7.21 and landed at a dog track in Perth… It’s not Sydney, but it is pretty much the opposite side of Australia, and Cas has been paralleled to both fish and dogs for a long time, and and and…)

and this is why I should’ve gone to sleep half an hour ago. :P 

[spn 12.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.15) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [or maybe he's a dogfish?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/or-maybe-he%27s-a-dogfish%3F) [this is the sort of post that happens when mittens doesn't sleep](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-is-the-sort-of-post-that-happens-when-mittens-doesn%27t-sleep)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Mar 26, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158874236270/i-feel-like-pt-1-of-cass-arc-has-come-a-long)

31 notes

**Anonymous asked: I feel like pt. 1 of Cas's arc has come a long way. I think he's realized just how much he means to the Winchesters, and feels secure in his place with them. But i feel that we still have a ways to go on the other part of his arc, the whole "but where do i really belong?" question that's been hanging over him for years now. I feel like that's where the rest of this season is heading.**

Yeah, he’s still looking for a lot of answers. He definitely knows he sees the Winchesters as family, and I think he’s really stopped trying to atone to all of Heaven for his past mistakes. Yeah, he’s been looking for Kelly and the nephilim because he does feel at least partly responsible for that whole situation, since he was the one who brought Lucifer out of the cage in the first place. But I think he also understands that the fact Lucifer’s still free isn’t ENTIRELY his fault.

I mean, Chuck was RIGHT THERE and didn’t send Lucifer back. And then Amara ripped Lucifer out of Cas, and sent him who knows where, so Luci wasn’t even around for the big finale of the Chuck and Amara show.

(honestly? I thought Amara had killed Lucifer, and I’d been pleased about that. I get the narrative necessity to also resolve Lucifer’s storyline before they fully resolve Sam and Dean’s, because he is the next orbit down the cosmic scale between God and the Winchesters, and as above so below and all that nonsense… but still. He’s the least interesting thing about the story this year, because it DOES feel like *sigh* *rolls eyes*  _it demands some sort of resolution_ , but really that’s about as far as my personal stakes in the Luci story go at this point. Okay, I’ll stop whining now. :P)

But Cas going back to heaven now isn’t really out of the same sense of duty anymore. I mean, the first time he met Dean was because “God commanded it.” Every time he’s gone back to heaven since then (or at least after his brief reign as Godstiel in 7.01) has been just a little bit less out of obligation or some sense of atonement for his mistakes, and more out of his own free will.

Naomi brought him back in s8 and tried to program him to do her will (and he broke free of that). At the end of s8 he sincerely thought he and Metatron were doing something  _good_. In s9 he was sort of dragged back against his will because Metatron manipulated him into playing his adversary. And now he  _knows_  he has a home here on Earth, with the Winchesters. He knows and believes they are his family, and he loves them. And the time he’s spent with them has been, in his opinion, the best part of his life. He feels at home there, and accepted. Not like he needs to atone for anything, not that he feels some sense of duty to be there… he just  _wants_  to be there.

But… there’s still his original family. The one he’d had for billions of years. Since the beginning of everything. I mean, they offer an olive branch of sorts, and he’s at least a little curious about what that might mean for him. They’ve been pushing him around, abusing him, manipulating him, brainwashing him, torturing him, for  _eons_ , and he’s only ever tried to do the right thing for them.

He’s tried so hard to teach them about free will and the joy of humanity and the wonder of creation. Mostly they just don’t get it. But what if they do now? What if he has one final big chance to do the right thing for once, and have them acknowledge it?

Or, on the other hand, what if he just needs one final chance to prove to himself that they’re never going to change, and that nothing he does will ever be good enough for them? If they just want him to return to his role as the good little soldier and pretend his little foray into humanity had all been a huge mistake?

Well, he’s got to find out for himself, doesn’t he? He needs to know.

Because he’s still got one HUUUUUUGE question hanging over him, and the answer to that one will depend heavily on his experiences on this trip to heaven and whatever the results are of the mission to find Kelly and deal with the nephilim (however it turns out).

And that biggest question is the one Ephraim asked him in 9.06 when Cas told him that he wants to live. But as what? An angel or a man?

He’s still living in a weird sort of half-and-half state, trapped between both things without really being either. He’s been told by pretty much every angel he’s met in the last four years that he’s not really an angel anymore. But he’s not really human either.

Sort of like the nephilim.

And he’s also been told for years that he needs to choose. Us or them. Heaven or Winchesters.

Something tells me that he’s not going to be able to remain in that in-between state forever. That’ll probably remain to be his s13 arc though, because I can’t really see them resolving ALL his major questions at once. But yeah at least ONE of these things demands some resolution by season’s end.

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 2, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159114284420/the-title-of-the-third-cas-episode-is-strangely)

86 notes

**Anonymous asked: The title of the third Cas episode is strangely satisfying to me, since I saw the 12x10 and 12x12 as roughly dealing with his past and present (even those titles are vaguely past-ish and middle-ish). I'm also excited cause I think it might have the third part of his freely choosing the Winchesters and Humanity(in general and particular). Tho possibly also the cosmic consequences, if they aren't to be a lead-in to the next season. Tho I guess it could just be about the nephilim and his birth.**

12.10: Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets– yep that’s about the past. Cas’s past, when he was a loyal soldier to Heaven, followed his orders (at that point in time, anyway), and participating (unknowingly at the time) in something regrettable. By the end of the episode, he’d acknowledged that mistake and attempted to atone for it. He’d received maybe not absolution or forgiveness from Lily, but at the very least they’d both achieved a sort of understanding of the entire truth of that regrettable event.

When the full truth came out, it set them both free. Lily had been seeking revenge for more than a hundred years against the angels who’d wronged her, and in the end she learned that it had just been Ishim. The other angels had been manipulated into following his orders with a lie about her daughter being a nephilim. And Cas learned the truth about Ishim’s obsession with Lily and the horrifying lie he’d told to gain his cooperation in the mission to kill Lily’s daughter. They could both begin to move forward now.

Which brings us to 12.12, Stuck In The Middle (With You). The middle being the present in the past-present-future.

(and oh gosh, I’m having a weird flashback to Dean in 7.12 saying, “’44. I’m stuck in 1944?!” and the cop replies, “We’re all stuck in 1944, ya bunny.” Because yeah, aside from time travel– which defies the laws of standard physics– we’re all stuck in the present, we’re stuck in the middle of wherever we happen to be in space and time, wherever and whenever that happens to be… ya bunny…

[Originally posted by frozen-delight](https://tmblr.co/ZSx6ko2IHooUU)

It’s a little confusing. When we’re in the middle of things, we might not be able to fully understand everything that’s going on around us right now. We can’t yet see the whole picture, because events are still unfolding. Even the structure of the episode proved that out, only giving us one limited POV at a time, until everyone got to that barn and we began to see all those points of view converge (well, except Mary’s, since we only saw her full truth unfold when she presented the Colt to Ketch).

Not to mention that entire mission that nearly got Cas killed was predicated on  _another_  lie. Like Ishim, Mary hid the source of her information and her true mission from the rest of her “flight.” But at the end, when Cas truly believes he’s dying, he comes out with a powerful truth; the Winchesters (and mostly Dean) are his family. They’ve changed him, and knowing them has been the best part of his life. He loves them. All of them.

And again, the truth set him free. Not the truth about the mission from Mary, but the truth about the weapon that nearly killed him…  _from Crowley_. The other supernatural being that’s earned at least a “weird Uncle Crowley” slot in the Winchester family.

And now 12.19, The Future. I don’t think that needs any explanation. And I don’t really have much more of an explanation just based on the title, but we’ll have the synopsis soon, and with it at least a vague idea of the general plot. :P 

(but based on the fact it was written by both Bobo Berens– who gave us Steve in 9.06– and Meredith Glynn– who Bobo has referred to as his “soulmate” on twitter and gave us the beautiful thing that is that gif up there of Dean with the bun ^^– I think the characters are in good hands for their future)

Since the “past” and the “present” aspects did primarily affect Cas, I’m thinking The Future will definitely apply to Cas’s personal future, with the same sorts of narrative mirrors to other characters in the same way they did in those other two episodes. So yeah, it may be when the nephilim is born, because children are “the future,” and Cas will have a future next season… but  _what_  will his future be?

(I mean we  _know_  where it’s going by now, right?)

[spn 12.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.10) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159425199700/hi-i-was-wondering-if-you-have-a-consistent-tag)

9 notes

**[saddestlesbian](https://saddestlesbian.tumblr.com/) asked: Hi, I was wondering if you have a consistent tag for endgame human Castiel? I know that in the canon of the show, human or human-adjacent Cass would be on par a good thing. But on a personal level, I've been slowly going blind over the past year and ever since s5/s9 I can't help but read human Castiel through the lens of disability, sensory loss, and degenerative illness. If you do have a consistent tag for this theory, please let me know what it is so I can blacklist it. Thank you!**

Oh hi… I’m sorry about  how you read human Cas, because I’m about 99% sure that is his endgame. I sincerely don’t believe that the show is trying to present being human as compared to being an angel as a degenerative illness, since the most consistent element of the show since the apocalypse era has been presenting humanity as the pinnacle of Creation, and free will as the key to that. And angels, despite whatever “special powers” they may have, lack that key. That the only way to fully experience reality “as god intended” isn’t through the filter of “all light” or “all darkness” but a balance between them that can only be achieved through Humanity.

In the language of SPN, it’s ANGELS who are experiencing the “disability” here, by not being able to experience the world for what it is. Like, he can’t see the forest for the trees, or the PB&J for the molecules. And he mourns the loss of his humanity.

Just as in 10.03 when Cas told Sam about why Dean might not want his humanity back:

 **CASTIEL** : Well… I see his point. You know, only humans can feel real joy, but … also such profound pain. This is easier.

Yes, he was talking about a demon here, but I think he understands this from an intensely personal point of view. He wasn’t speaking only for Dean, but for himself now that he’d done “what he had to do” and stole another angel’s grace. Cas doesn’t see humanity as a disability, or else why would he have tried so hard to make the other angels understand love, hope, art, and dreams… these things that are “human” things, and like Chuck describing music as something similar that touches closer to the divine that even he was capable of creating, it took humanity to find ways to express these things so beautifully. These are things that are simply not accessible to angels, because they lack the essential stuff that even allows them to understand it.

That’s the way I see it anyway.

But I get that you might not see it that way.

I do often tag stuff about Cas eventually giving up his grace as “[are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he’s no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are%20you%20an%20angel%20or%20a%20man%20castiel%3F%20\(hint%3A%20he's%20no%20angel\))” but I don’t always tag things you may find upsetting, simply because this is, and has been, the central element of Cas’s arc for the last five seasons, and as such I often refer to this in more general meta posts. I can’t guarantee I’ll always tag this in a long meta about an episode, because it would be like tagging “Dean drives Baby” or “Sam researches the lore” and I see it as that integral to his character, and to the overall narrative of the show.

[are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)

 

[Apr 12, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159494233215/416-one-one-angel-can-dance-on-the-head-of-a)

37 notes

4.16: One. One angel can dance on the head of a pin.

(it’s uriel. he dances on the head of Anna’s angel sword)

 **URIEL** : We raised you out of hell for our purposes.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, what were those again? What exactly did you want from me?  
 **URIEL** : Start with gratitude.  
 **DEAN** : Oh.  
 **CASTIEL** : Dean, we know this is difficult to understand.  
 **URIEL** : And we—  
URIEL gives CASTIEL a significant look.  
 **URIEL** : —don’t care. Now, seven angels have been murdered, all of them from our garrison. The last one was killed tonight.

(thing is, we know Cas does care, and that’s part of the problem)

Dean trusts his instincts, just like Tessa just told him to do in 4.15, and he can tell that Cas is not on board with Uriel’s plan to have him torture Alistair for information on who’s killing the angels. Dean just doesn’t trust Uriel in general.

(at this point I went running off to find a link to the MOUNTAINS of meta written on this episode, because there are MOUNTAINS of it, but again, my tag is sadly lacking *again curses Past Self for being a lazy tagger* *again points y’all to [Lizbob’s overflowing tag for this episode](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/tagged/4x16)*  Heck some of the posts in that tag are MY POSTS, but they’re not in MY episode tag >.>)

Also, please have the very thorough rewatch notes from Lizbob, which I found on PAGE 11 of her tag for this episode, so…

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159493044805/elizabethrobertajones-spn-hellatus-rewatch-4x16>

(and honestly, any episode that ends with the stage direction “Dean begins crying” is gonna wreck us… so be prepared) 

 **DEAN** : What’s going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?  
 **CASTIEL** : My superiors have begun to question my sympathies.  
 **DEAN** : Your sympathies?  
 **CASTIEL** : I was getting too close to the humans in my charge. You. They feel I’ve begun to express emotions. The doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment.  
 **DEAN** : Well, tell Uriel, or whoever…you do not want me doing this, trust me.  
 **CASTIEL** : Want it, no. But I have been told we need it.  
 **DEAN** : You ask me to open that door and walk through it, you will not like what walks back out.  
 **CASTIEL** : For what it’s worth, I would give anything not to have you do this.

Yet, Dean does it. Why? Because while he absolute doesn’t trust Uriel, he’s beginning to learn that he DOES trust Cas… And that is freaking  _huge_.

Meanwhile back at the Sam and Ruby show, we get confirmation that Dean was right about Sam, that he was right about Sam lying to him and that he was right about Sam’s true feelings being that “Dean was weak and holding him back.”

 **SAM** : No. I mean, he can’t do it. He can’t get the job done. Something happened to him downstairs, Ruby. He’s not what he used to be. He’s not strong enough.  
 **RUBY** : And you are?  
 **SAM** : I will be.

Sam’s playing directly into Ruby’s hands.

While Dean’s torturing Alistair (and Alistair is torturing Dean right back, with the knowledge that his weakness broke the first seal), Anna shows up to talk to Cas. He’d been doubting his orders, and whether they were right, or righteous, or truly the will of God. And she can SEE he’s torn about this, but he still sees Anna as something lesser, and is determined to hold himself above her. He may have his doubts, but they don’t extend as far as working against the will of heaven and allying himself with an angel who chose to fall.

 **ANNA** : These orders are wrong and you know it. But you can do the right thing. You’re afraid, Cas. I was too. But together, we can still—  
 **CASTIEL** : Together?  
 **CASTIEL** : I am nothing like you. You fell. Go.

Through Dean’s torture of Alistair, we watch a pipe slowly leaking, breaking the devil’s trap Cas created to hold him one drop at a time. Cas comes running in to help after Alistair breaks free, and he nearly banishes Cas from his vessel until Sam comes in and holds him with his powers.

Cas watches ALL of this with a look of horror that ratchets up to 11 when Sam announces he’s become strong enough to kill demons instead of just exorcising them.

In the hospital over Dean’s body, Sam tells Cas that the whole torture mission was “pointless,” because the demons aren’t the ones killing the angels. But there were several points… just none of them actually receiving information from Alistair…

Actual points of the torture:

  1. escalating Castiel’s doubt as to the Will of Heaven, to encourage him to choose Uriel’s side (which backfires because Cas learns the “wrong lesson” and chooses Dean’s side)
  2. breaking Dean further, breaking his will to resist the will of Heaven (sorta backfires because Dean resists even harder after this)
  3. driving Sam back to Ruby, convincing him to “play his role” and be ready to break the final seal (which succeeds, horrifyingly so)



Fail, fail, succeed. The rule of three.

Cas confronts Anna again, now that his doubts have grown even stronger, asking her advice. She tells him he has to make his own choices, and he gets one of his first major lessons in Free Will, in thinking for himself and choosing what’s right over what he’s been ordered to do. He confronts Uriel.

 **CASTIEL** : Strange. Strange how a leaky pipe can undo the work of angels when we ourselves are supposed to be the agents of fate.

But Uriel understands NOTHING of free will, of the humans it’s been his mission to care for:

 **URIEL** : Not murders, Castiel. No. My work is conversion. How long have we waited here? How long have we played this game by rules that make no sense?  
 **CASTIEL** : It is our father’s world, Uriel.  
 **URIEL** : Our father? He stopped being that, if he ever was, the moment he created them. Humanity, his favorites. This whining, puking larva.

But oh, Dean, he has some major guilt:

 **DEAN** : Is it true? Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?  
 **CASTIEL** : Yes. When we discovered Lilith’s plan for you, we laid siege to hell and we fought our way to get to you before you—  
 **DEAN** : Jump-started the apocalypse.  
 **CASTIEL** : And we were too late.  
 **DEAN** : Why didn’t you just leave me there, then?  
 **CASTIEL** : It’s not blame that falls on you, Dean, it’s fate. The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. You have to stop it.

 **DEAN** : Well, then you guys are screwed. I can’t do it, Cas. It’s too big. Alastair was right. I’m not all here. I’m not—I’m not strong enough. Well, I guess I’m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It’s not me.

[spn 4.16](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.16) [s12 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-meta-rewatch) [spn 4.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.15) [lies and damn lies](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/lies-and-damn-lies) [sam vs reality](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-vs-reality) [seriously though why doesn't everyone just trust dean's gut instincts it's like he's got an uncanny magical gift here...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/seriously-though-why-doesn%27t-everyone-just-trust-dean%27s-gut-instincts-it%27s-like-he%27s-got-an-uncanny-magical-gift-here...) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [because this is the first time cas seriously doubts his orders and his mission and just who's in charge in heaven...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-this-is-the-first-time-cas-seriously-doubts-his-orders-and-his-mission-and-just-who%27s-in-charge-in-heaven...)

 

[Apr 29, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160139881290/seeing-cas-screw-over-the-brothers-over-and-over)

72 notes

**Anonymous asked: Seeing Cas screw over the brothers over and over and over again in the episode and if the baby isnt controlling him (bobos comment maked it sound like its not control but idk) and Cas has /genuinely/ choosen Kelly/satans baby/"faith" over his family(sam and dean!!) im gonna pissed... if been a bitter!cas since s10 and the end left me feelibg the opposite. I mean i was fine since i thought Cas was controlled but apparently thats not clear soo ugh**

[elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/160121587663/seeing-cas-screw-over-the-brothers-over-and-over):

> When Castiel Winchester says he has faith, I get a deep sick feeling in my stomach that this is not my angel :P 
> 
> I was just thinking about the angel tablet, and how it ~controlled~ Cas but not strictly in a mindcontrol sense - it pushed all his angel buttons in that original programming that season 8 made a big deal out of. Cas had an overwhelming urge to protect the tablet - that it was the right thing, and his job to do. He was really acting perfectly “in character” if the character was as an angel and not Cas.
> 
> The nephilim has pushed every single one of Cas’s buttons in being lost and broken and wanting a purpose he can do and a win to bring home, and a god to believe in and everything he’s been feeling bad about - he lists his failures at like 3 different points in the episode, and there’s a strong emphasis on him being the Winchesters’ guardian angel, as he sees himself (and has done a long time, as he said in 6x20 about it, and I think is related to just as many bad decisions as that one since it was an emotional motivator there to keep them out of the big bad decisions and do this by himself - his motivation behind “I was there where were you” and turning away from Dean raking leaves is identical to Cas stealing the Colt, and he spells it out to Kelvin after he does it. 
> 
> Cas may be controlled in a sense but it’s pushing buttons in such a way it might hardly feel like control or be easy to treat like it, in the same way the Mark of Cain affected Dean’s “programming” and yet he was still somewhat Dean the entire time; Amara never creepily spoke through him and he was never  _controlled_ per say. The Mark fed his instincts and blood lust and rewarded him for killing and in this way twisted Dean extremely effectively, but on a scale where he was always Dean to at least  _sort of_ Dean and acting on basic emotional impulses that had identifiable origins  _within_  Dean, even if the version of Dean we grew to love would never actually act this way from a standing start.
> 
> But yeah. Kelly was paralled to Hael, wanting to take Cas over and become one with him, that they’d help each other by him taking her to the Grand Canyon and then she’d possess him. (whee what a great deal :P) - Kelly wanted to go to the sandbox instead, and she succeeded in getting Cas there and lo and behold the threat pays off and they become one - he’s sharing her baby’s power, and the same light is intermittently in both their eyes. He says he wishes he could HAVE her faith, and so she GIVES it to him, and at the end he says he HAS faith. 
> 
> And obviously it’s meant to be a bad thing - Cas can’t just HAVE faith like that. He’s a depressed messed up angel with no direction and who God rejected practically to his face (I mean, chinese whispers 3 people removed in God’s terms was pretty much to his face :P). Joshua wasn’t a symbol of Cas’s lack of faith for telling him that that then had to be obliterated and Cas magically has faith again, although you could draw a great false correlation graph between 5x16 and 12x19 and Cas’s faith. He was a reminder that Cas  _has_  no faith,  _because_ of what Joshua said that day. And Cas cold-shouldered God at the end of the universe. That’s Cas.
> 
> Whether it’s direct mind control or not, what Cas is going through is then a manipulation, a false dream and playing off his very loudly broadcast trauma and depression. It’s very clearly  _not good_ because Cas betrayed his family over it and seemed to choose Kelly over Sam and Dean, by leaving them there unconscious however gently he did it, it’s an act of aggression he wouldn’t commit against the people he literally was doing everything for to protect all episode until the nephilim got to him. Cas’s actions are not a sign of something good happening to him, and I was actually really disappointed just between Cas having the sweet moment where he was talking about who would be a good guardian for the nephilim and it sounded like a POSITIVE thing where he might do that, and the nephilim choosing Cas without giving him a choice in the matter, and influencing him to want to do it to the point of creepiness and choosing it over Sam and Dean.
> 
> Like, bottom line, this is not  _meant_  to be depicted as something good for Cas, and though I haven’t seen Bobo’s tweet, he’s presumably straight-faced trolling in the way writers can’t spoil stuff or tell you how to think about a story, so repeating what seems like the obvious surface line here, like, nah, Cas just found faith! lol! Of course he has, but the  _details_ of it went from hopeful to horrific in the flash of nephilim eyes on Kelly, and Cas’s instinct to protect and guard people and be the good angel he is, the one angel who ever seems to behave as angels should when it comes to protecting and caring and watching over people, sealed his fate that the nephilim felt Cas would selflessly protect it, and so he would  _have_  to selflessly protect it.
> 
> It’s tragic because it’s  _this close_  to something that could be positive to Cas, but this show of course never goes easy, and so  _of course_  it turns into something horrific where his agency has been compromised. It doesn’t have to be full control for his agency to be gone. He just never got a chance to choose to do this, even if his actions said “yes I will protect you”, within moments it had gone too far and crossed too many lines of who Cas is, what he really wants, and corrupts what, ironically, would have been the best thing for the nephilim if it HADN’T got grabby about wanting the best guardian angel in the universe, because Cas probably would have done the job for free >.>

 

Yes, this. I’ve been considering doing a close-read of all of Cas’s scenes in this episode, because they are extremely telling. But this covers a lot of the points I was going to make, so here you go. :P

First off, regarding[ Bobo’s tweet](https://twitter.com/robertberens/status/857791508979654657), it was in reply to a direct question over whether Cas was “brainwashed” or if he really had faith. He replied that he couldn’t answer this directly, but that this was an episode  _about faith_. He didn’t actually answer the question about Cas at all…

Because this WAS an episode about faith, but it was also an episode about free will and choice.

First off, I’ve been waiting for Cas to somehow be stripped of his free will like this. To fall into some sort of “blind faith” situation. Because it’s one of the last things that needed to happen before he COULD understand free will and choice as an angel. He was beginning to understand in s9 when he’d been forcibly stripped of his grace and made human against his will. He didn’t choose that. Nor did he really felt he had a choice when he stole Theo’s grace. He was doing what he felt he had to do.

So much of what Cas has done has been because he believed he had no other choice. Even now, in his attempts to spare Sam and Dean from having to do potentially regrettable things, he’s taken the choice away from THEM, because he felt that was his place in the Winchester family– guardian angel.

Suddenly he finds himself now in a situation where he truly does have no other choice, because all of his choices have been taken from him and he’s completely in thrall to the nephilim’s will, to the point where he doesn’t even seem to care about the Winchesters anymore.

His entire mission to stop the nephilim at all costs (including his relationship with the Winchesters, including potentially even his own life), had a major record scratch moment and suddenly his only mission is to protect and see the nephilim born.

It’s like the opposite situation to where he was when Metatron stole his grace. But he NEEDED to experience this opposite end of the spectrum again, after having known what true free will and humanity was all about first-hand. Because this is the only way he can make a fully informed CHOICE about who and what he wants to be.

That absolute faith above everything else is what an angel is “supposed to be.” The original flavor of this back and forth was 4.20: “I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve heaven, I don’t serve man, and I certainly don’t serve you.”

Nice contrast to “I needed to come back here with a win for you… for myself.”

Or  “This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters, I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and keep them safe from Dagon. And I… I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.“

Or “No it isn’t. I used to believe in a plan. I used to believe I had some mission. But I’ve been through enough now to know that everyone is just winging it. Some of us quite badly. Lucifer, he’s just breaking toys. He’s sowing destruction and chaos and there is no grand purpose at work. And there is no special role for you. When Lucifer took over Rooney’s body, you were just there.”

Because this show has an episode CALLED FAITH, and yes it was entirely ABOUT Faith, but in a really horrifying way. These people put their faith in a healer, they believed God was working through him, but all the while it was Sueann’s choices about who deserved to live and die that made the “miracles” happen, and innocent people were dying every time one of the “faithful” were healed.

So no, any time anyone on Supernatural says they have faith, I get this really squirmy feeling about it.

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)[nephilim](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/nephilim) [that's what free will is](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that%27s-what-free-will-is) [spn 4.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.20)

 

[May 2, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160238454855/cas-wouldnt-give-up-his-free-will-thats-true)

28 notes

**Anonymous asked: Cas wouldn't give up his free will that's true, because he has fought and bled to have it and valued it so much he wanted his angelic brethren to have it too. But he can stll miss the certainty of a right path, having correct choices. True, pure faith is like... angelic fuel. They are made for it, to have it and inspire it. For Cas it's like a lifeline, angel crack right into his grace when he is despairing and doubting and just wants SOMETHING he can win at. It's all fake, but feels so GOOD.**

Yeah, and I think that’s key here to understanding how he succumbed to the nephilim’s influence so quickly.

Folks have been asking Cas FOR YEARS whether he was an angel or a man. Angels tell him they look at him and don’t see an angel, but he still has grace. Humans look at him and believe he’s an angel, yet there’s something so very human about him, too…

He lived as a human long enough (and the long-time headcanon is that when his grace was removed he was left with a human soul), and then had his grace traumatically returned to him, but it didn’t quite eradicate his humanity.

And again, this is getting into major headcanon territory (but it was also a headcanon for years that Jimmy Novak died when Cas was exploded in 4.22, and that’s been proven in canon now, so I honestly don’t think we’re stretching too far in assuming this). But what if Cas, like the nephilim, has both grace AND a human soul?

Talk about a cosmic imbalance here. If the nephilim is an “abomination” and a violation of the natural order, then what is Cas?

But yeah, having the free will and understanding of humanity that comes with having a human soul seems like it would be in direct conflict of a lot of the certainty and blind faith that comes with having angelic grace. I can’t even imagine the sorts of internal conflict that must create.

Having that need for order, for certainty and faith and belief in the mission that comes from being an angel, combined with the freedom and choice and all the desires of humanity– what the nephilim offered, that certainty and the relief of his doubts must’ve (on some level, at least) felt like a blessed relief.

But whatever part of him that has always sided with humanity and been willing to tear up the pages of the grand plan in favor of free will IS STILL IN THERE SOMEWHERE. And it’s probably screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

That’s the bit they need to get through to somehow.

[spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)[seriously dean better be planning his lloyd dobler impression](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/seriously-dean-better-be-planning-his-lloyd-dobler-impression)

 

[May 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160521157830/815-confession-time-i-really-dont-like-this)

21 notes

8.15: Confession time, I really don’t like this episode (surprise!), but for the sake of completeness, here have some meta-relevant quotes from it. That’s all the brainpower I’m willing to devote to this one…

(some people don’t like the weird dog episodes and some people don’t like the worst of bucklemmig, and this just happens to be a confluence of both of those things, making for something extra special for some people… named Mittens…  >.>)

Freaking witches…

Sam and Dean are debating the nuances of the Three Stooges (whyyyyy bucklemming?)

 **DEAN** : Wait, so you’re telling me that James the cop became a witch because of us? Unh-unh. [ DEAN Laughs ]  
 **PORTIA** : You don’t like dogs, do you?  
[ DEAN Scoffs softly ]

Great, another life ruined via contact with Dean Winchester (or so he believes). And after all of Dean’s history with hellhounds, just reiterated in all its glory and made a thousand times worse by the events of the previous episode? It’s impossible to believe that Dean has any positive feelings towards dogs at the moment…

Meanwhile, James the witch consults with a friend about his troubles:

 **SPENCER** : James, it’s too much – all that you’ve taken on. Not just the workload, but the nature of the work. Look around. See a lot of cops, do you? Life in this realm is life on the fringe. We don’t fit.  
[ SPENCER Sighs ]  
How do you reconcile what you are with what you do?

So a life involved with the supernatural doesn’t mesh with trying to hold on to life in the “real world?” You don’t say…

Meanwhile Sam and Dean talk about the trials again:

 **DEAN** : Look, we get too far down the road with this, we can’t go back, And it’ll be too late for me to jump in.  
 **SAM** : Who says that you’re gonna have to? You know, maybe I’ll actually pull this one off.  
 **DEAN** : I’m just saying.  
 **SAM** : I know what you’re saying, Dean. You’ve said it. You know, I’ve been going over this and over this, asking myself “why doesn’t he trust me?” And it occurred to me, finally. It’s not that you don’t trust me.It’s that you can only trust you.

Gee, I wonder why that could be? It’s not like everyone he’s ever loved has either left him or died because of him, or because he failed to save them. And it’s not really that Dean doesn’t trust Sam to complete the trials, but that he just knows that the cost of doing these trials is going to be the steepest one either of them has ever had to pay, above and beyond selling his soul for Sam’s life back in 2.22. Far beyond saying yes to Lucifer. And Sam might have this positive attitude that he intends to somehow survive slamming the gates of hell forever, Dean understands that the power of positive thinking is just not gonna change reality here.

So on that level, no, Dean might trust in SAM, but he believes Sam’s essentially deluding himself here. It’s not ABOUT TRUST. It’s about Sam’s inability to see the reality of his situation here, compounded by the fact that Sam begins hiding the damage the trials are causing him from Dean, keeping important secrets because he’s afraid of “failing Dean” here. Like Cas in s12, Sam just wants to do one thing right, to make up for what HE feels are a long string of personal failures in Dean’s eyes, but Dean has NEVER seen it that way. They’re misunderstanding each other in a fundamental way back in s8, but this conflict and the chaos they create because of it becomes the key to a lot of horrible choices and even worse consequences that (after a long dark night of the soul for both of them) lead us to them finally dealing with each other in a far more functional and less codependent way in s12. So it takes a long time, but they do learn from these lessons eventually…

 **DEAN** : I got to ask. I-I can’t help but wonder –  
 **PORTIA** : Which came first, dog or girl?  
 **DEAN** : Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I’m just curious as to which one you consider yourself, mostly.

Bucklemming take this potentially interesting conversation and drag it down to the most base level by making it about Portia’s sexual relationship with James, but it is an interesting notion considering the dualities and the string of “part human-part monster” creatures in s12. S9 may have dealt with interspecies relationships, but now we’re being faced with things that are both monstrous and human at the same time. The nephilim, the BMoL, so many dual-nature beings and so many dualities in general (like Black Bill and Moloch), and even Castiel himself. So… which does Cas consider himself now? Angel or man?

And oh, ugh:

 **PORTIA** : James, don’t! We’ll do this together.  
 **JAMES** : No, we won’t. It’s not safe for you. Our time together is over.  
 **PORTIA** : Standing by you is my duty, my choice!  
 **JAMES** : Portia, the ceiling is coming down on me. You still have a life.

It’s both her duty and her CHOICE to stand by him, but he just wants her safe regardless of what happens to himself. SOUND LIKE ANYONE WE KNOW?!

*spends five minutes gently banging my forehead on the keyboard*

(honestly it sounds like freaking EVERYONE we know…)

 **JAMES** : You made me think I was a killer. Ed Stoltz put you up to it. He found out you were a witch, tried to blackmail you.  
 **SPENCER** : You’re not using your thinking cap, Jimmy. It was actually crucial that he didn’t believe in the occult. I’d say he’s built quite a solid case, don’t you?  
 **JAMES** : I don’t understand.  
 **SPENCER** : Of course you don’t. Neither of you ever considered my feelings.  
 **JAMES** : Portia? This is about her?  
 **SPENCER** : Can you imagine the insult when she chose you? I wanted her as my soul mate the moment I saw her.  
 **JAMES** : She was meant to be my familiar.  
 **SPENCER** : Oh, she’s way more than familiar, isn’t she? When she picked you as master, I endured it. But when you two went all Bella and Edward, broke the code, put your passions before the community rules, well, the arrogance, the entitlement was too much. Your total ruination seemed appropriate.

And there you go. Everything that happened was down to petty jealousy. James had what Spencer wanted… Portia’s love. As if he could force her to love him instead… just like Brian with Kate in 8.04, just like the vampire master in 8.05 with Andrea…

 **DEAN** : You sure you don’t want to stay and fight this?  
 **SAM** : Look, we can help you.  
 **JAMES** : Eh, Spencer was right. Ed Stoltz has built enough of a case against me to make life hell for a long time, and the community here wants no part of us.  
 **PORTIA** : We start over. We’re used to it. It’s the way it’s always been, for all of us.

So the supernatural has finally driven James out of his normal life. But at least he has Portia by his side. Which brings us to our BM scene:

 **DEAN** : No, that’s not what I meant. Back there, when Spencer had us. He screwed with my head. I saw mom… When she died… And then some other crap.  
 **SAM** : Yeah. Me, too.  
 **DEAN** :  You know, when I look back at what our family’s been through, what everybody’s been through, seeing all that pain… I realize that the only way we’ve made it through it all is by hanging together. I trust you, Sammy. With this deal, locking those sons of bitches up in the furnace once and for all, it’s too important not to. So if you say you’re good… then that’s it. I’m with you 100%.

And in the next moment Sam starts coughing, and then LIES AND TELLS DEAN HE’S FINE AS HE HIDES THE FACT THAT HE’S COUGHING UP BLOOD.

So Dean trusts YOU Sam, but do you really trust Dean?  My sources say no…

[spn 8.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.15) [s12 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-meta-rewatch) [bucklemming canon acrobatics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/bucklemming-canon-acrobatics) [seriously though why doesn't everyone just trust dean's gut instincts it's like he's got an uncanny magical gift here...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/seriously-though-why-doesn%27t-everyone-just-trust-dean%27s-gut-instincts-it%27s-like-he%27s-got-an-uncanny-magical-gift-here...) [breaking the codependency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/breaking-the-codependency) [using your words](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/using-your-words) [sam vs reality](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-vs-reality) [*mittens attempts to become one with the universe amid the sea of duality*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Amittens-attempts-to-become-one-with-the-universe-amid-the-sea-of-duality%2A) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [lies and damn lies](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/lies-and-damn-lies) [here have my belated thoughts on the whole love... and love](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/here-have-my-belated-thoughts-on-the-whole-love...-and-love)

 

[Jun 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161393093030/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly)

146 notes

**Anonymous asked: I think it's horrifically sad that people genuinly believe that the only thing that has ever mattered for Cas is Dean. However the situation is now, heaven and the other angels were Castiel's FAMILY for millions of years. Just imagine the trauma and feelings of lonliness for a creature that old to not have a friend that shares his history, to speak of things that humans will just not GET. The writers have reduced Cas' entire world into just the Winchesters, and how is that a good thing?**

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak](https://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/161386802472/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):

> [tinkdw](https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/161382043337/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>
>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161374634530/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>
>>> [tinkdw](https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/161364852872/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>>
>>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161363238535/i-think-its-horrifically-sad-that-people-genuinly):
>>>>
>>>>> I… don’t see any of this?
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t know of anything in canon that indicates that  “the only thing that has ever mattered for Cas is Dean.”
>>>>> 
>>>>> In fact, I’d dare say the exact opposite is true. Cas has always cared about humanity in general. He’s always had “too much heart.” (So said Samandriel) He’s always resisted obeying Heaven’s orders. (So said Naomi, and Hester, and… pretty much every angel who’s ever known him…)
>>>>> 
>>>>> Yes, those other angels, who were his FAMILY for millions of years, who reprogrammed him over and over again every time he showed that “too much heart.” Every time he tried to show the rest of them something greater than just following those orders, from trying to enforce some kind of “destiny.”
>>>>> 
>>>>> We get his disillusionment in full technicolor even as far back as 6.20– his sense of guilt, his sense of obligation to wrangle all the angels around to seeing the potential they’re missing out on.
>>>>> 
>>>>> **CASTIEL** No. No one leads us anymore. We’re all free to make our own choices and to choose our own fates.  
>  **RACHEL** What does God want?  
>  **CASTIEL** God wants you to have freedom.  
>  **RACHEL** But what does he want us to do with it?
>>>>> 
>>>>> It must be the crack in his chassis, because he seems to be the only angel who really, truly understands this. He desperately wants the angels to just  _understand_  this, and they just… don’t. He despairs of them, yet still feels personally responsible for saving them from what Raphael plans to do. Maybe, just maybe, if he stops Raphael from restarting the apocalypse, then MAYBE the rest of the angels might learn to exercise the freedom (and free will) that he’s been trying to show them all along.
>>>>> 
>>>>> God doesn’t want them to do anything, he wants them to decide what to do for themselves.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And Cas is pretty much the only angel who really gets it.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And Sam and Dean (and especially Dean) has been there to help him through his disappointment, frustration, and disillusionment in dealing with Heaven, going all the way back to s4. We see it continue throughout s5 when Dean helps Cas after God essentially abandons all of creation, refusing to do anything about the apocalypse.
>>>>> 
>>>>> Cas was the ONLY angel willing to defy Heaven, Hell, Destiny, and GOD to save humanity. And he didn’t do it grudgingly. He CHOSE it, because it felt like the right thing for him to do. And then he immediately was thrown back into an impossible situation where he was being asked to do it all AGAIN.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And HE STILL CHOSE TO DEFEND HUMANITY, even against all of Heaven, on his own. Not because he was eager to save Heaven… but so that he could protect Dean.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I mean, that was his CHOICE.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t think the writers are saying AT ALL that Cas feels bereft of a friend who truly understands him, or truly sympathizes with him, or that Cas laments the loss of the “family” that has done nothing but reject him and dismiss him and use him and abuse him for most of that very long life.
>>>>> 
>>>>> For a very long time he did feel guilty and a sense of obligation to help them, but that’s worn really thin over the last few years. There’s only so many times someone can be blatantly and forcefully rejected by one’s “family” before one gives that family the ol’ heave ho.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I don’t think the writers are trying to tell a story in which Cas is rejecting a loving and supportive family. We’ve been witnessing his trauma and feelings of loneliness for a long time. Heck, so much of his s10 arc (which still feels shunted off to the side toward the end of the season as the Darkness arc was being set up), and DEFINITELY his s11 arc were DIRECTLY ABOUT Cas’s sense of loneliness and abandonment and disconnect from his Heavenly family.
>>>>> 
>>>>> It was driven home with iron spikes in 11.02:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **CASTIEL** : Mercy, brother, please!  
>  **EFRAM** : Brother? Ha! What are you?  
>  **CASTIEL** : W-what? I’m an angel of the Lord.  
>  **EFRAM** : That so? ‘Cause, near as I can tell, when you have to choose between heaven and the Winchesters …  
>  **JONAH** : You choose them.  
>  **EFRAM** : Every time. So, see, you’re not my brother. And if I had it my way, I’d take this blade, stick it in your heart … and call that a damn good day.
>>>>> 
>>>>> And if that wasn’t enough:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **HANNAH** : I saved you.  
>  **CASTIEL** : No. I don’t think you did. I think that you told Efram and Jonah to bring me here and to hurt me, and so you arranged to – to … to burst in and save me. You were hoping that I would be so grateful that I would do anything you said, that I would tell you anything that you wanted to know. Why, Hannah? We were friends.  
>  **HANNAH** : That was before you freed Metatron … Before … The other angels, they hate you.  
>  **CASTIEL** : And what about you? Do you hate me?  
>  **EFRAM** : (both Efram and Jonah enter the room again) It doesn’t matter. We took a vote – democracy in action – and … Hannah’s doing the job.  
>  **CASTIEL** : I won’t give you Sam and Dean.  
>  **EFRAM** : Sure you will.  
>  **JONAH** : We’re gonna hack your brain.
>>>>> 
>>>>> This is that “family” you mentioned. This is the “family” that Cas has tried to protect Sam and Dean from since s4. He won’t just hand over Sam and Dean to them to be tortured and killed. Because that’s what they intended to do with Cas, so how much worse would it be for Sam and Dean?
>>>>> 
>>>>> It’s not like the angels have been working hard to support and accept and understand Cas. It doesn’t do a lot for his sense of guilt or loyalty to Heaven…
>>>>> 
>>>>> Then in 11.10:
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Ambriel** : Are you going to kill me?  
>  **Castiel** : Is that what they say, that I kill angels?  
>  **Ambriel** : Well, that’s the nicest thing they say. Well, maybe we can work together… so no-one murders anyone.
>>>>> 
>>>>> and
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Castiel** : I never wanted this, you know. To be hated by my own kind, I never-  
>  **Ambriel** : Oh no, I don’t hate you, Castiel.  
>  **Castiel** : Thank you.  
>  **Ambriel** : I mean, we have a lot in common. Our names rhyme, that’s a big one. I look good in a trench coat too, and we’re both expendable.  
>  **Castiel** : Excuse me?  
>  **Ambriel** : Well, that’s why we’re here, right? I’m a number cruncher and you-you like I said, I’ve heard the stories. You help. But Sam and Dean Winchester are the real heroes. So if the Darkness is still alive and she’s pissed and she kills us, no big loss. So sure, maybe we’re not super important, but we do the job. I think there’s nobility in that.
>>>>> 
>>>>> and if that’s not enough, Amara rubs it in…
>>>>> 
>>>>> **Amara** : She’s right you know, you are expendable and weak. And why God took a special interest in you, I’ll never understand. My brother always did have horrible taste in men. 
>>>>> 
>>>>> Cas’s Netflix binge in early s11, hiding out in the bunker at a time when that was the ONLY place he could turn. Heaven had fully rejected him. That family would rather he was DEAD than accept him back.
>>>>> 
>>>>> While I can understand why someone might feel hopeful that Cas had at least some part of his Heavenly family that he remained close with, like immigrants to a new country who feel culturally adrift but for the support of one’s family… but that’s not been Cas’s experience at all.
>>>> 
>>>> I hope you don’t mind me adding to this as we often do, if you do, let me know I’ll blog separately :)
>>>> 
>>>> I love all this and it is all very true however my final conclusion is not quite the same.
>>>> 
>>>> “God doesn’t want them to do anything, he wants them to decide what to do for themselves. And Cas is pretty much the only angel who really gets it.”
>>>> 
>>>> For me Cas is not the only one, we had Samandriel, we had Hannah who TRIED to do her best, released her vessel as she felt guilty for taking away her free will, only did what she did to Cas in the end as she felt backed into a corner and was trying to work for the greater good as Cas nearly always does himself (how is this any worse than Cas manipulating then killing the other Angel to take his grace or breaking Sam’s wall for the greater good).
>>>> 
>>>> The first Angel we ever met literally chose to rip out her own grace in a bid to obtain Free Will and her own agency. Gabriel was the epitome of Free Will and agency in an Angel and Balthazar gave it a good go. Gadreel ultimately did the right thing, by choice.
>>>> 
>>>> We also have the two fishing Angels who literally DID decide what to do for themselves and were the perfect example of this, just wanting to be left alone and choosing their own agency.
>>>> 
>>>> So although I do agree with all your points about Cas x family specifically and the Angels, I dont put ALL the Angels in the same box.
>>>> 
>>>> In fact I think a huge part of the show is showing precisely that you cannot generalise like this, that each person makes their own choices and decisions and isn’t held to a wider stereotype or path that is foretold or shown as one that they can’t stray from if they choose to.
>>>> 
>>>> So I hope that in the end Cas specifically does choose to leave the Angels as a whole but not in an all together negative way and that the Angels are shown as not all being the same, perhaps he has a good relationship with one or two Angels by the end, to show precisely that they’re NOT all the same. Though he has rejected the overall group of them due to his experience and own choices, it doesn’t mean they’re all the same and all in the same box of being Dick Angels, because that for me would be a shame for the show’s overall themes of self governance and agency…
>>> 
>>> Hrm.., I almost did take you up on your offer to delete this reply and post it separately, because it rather distracts from the point I was trying to make specifically about Cas. But you are right… up to a point. Because I think most of the angels you used as examples here only serve to prove my point that Cas is truly different from the vast majority of them.
>>> 
>>> Let’s go over this list:
>>> 
>>> **Samandriel** : We actually know very little about him. We know from 8.02 that he liked and admired Cas. He was the one, after all, who believed that Cas had “too much heart.”  Which he considered a “problem.” Not that he felt negatively about Cas caring so much, but that it was literally his downfall and the reason he died (because at that time Dean made it sound like Cas HAD died in Purgatory). Yet at the auction Samandriel was unwilling (or unable) to protect Kevin Tran.
>>> 
>>> **Hannah** : I have very complicated feelings about Hannah. You said at the end (in 11.02) she felt “backed into a corner” and thought she was acting for the greater good. All Cas wanted was to be healed of the spell that was slowly killing him. He’d been perfectly willing to go back to Heaven and accept their punishment for his part in releasing the Darkness. He even had a long discussion with Hannah about the fact that it was released. She admits that she can’t heal him because it’s powerful magic, but then begins demanding answers from him. When he tells her he doesn’t know where Sam and Dean are (which is the truth), she raises her voice at him. And that’s when he begins suspecting that s _he had arranged the entire torture session herself._  She’d set herself up to barge in playing “good cop” and get the answers out of Cas,  _because he trusted her_. Honestly the fastest way to gain Cas’s cooperation,  _if that had been what she truly wanted_ , would’ve been to heal him and then recruit him to help Heaven fight the darkness. Because  _that was his intention in praying for help in the first place_. Heaven didn’t want the Winchesters to get their HELP.
>>> 
>>> I’m not saying this is better or worse than anything Cas has done. He did slaughter a lot of angels back in 7.01 just to “punish” them for not siding with him against Raphael. He was not exactly himself at the time… He also did a lot of shady crap during s6, but all of it spiraled out of control from his initial decision to stand up to Raphael and do everything in his power to keep the Winchesters out of the entire mess. Things… rapidly went sideways and continued to go more and more sideways as events unfolded… But at the end, Cas did believe that Hannah had tried to use him to get to the Winchesters– not because she thought they could help defeat the Darkness, but because they needed to be punished. Just like Hannah wanted Cas to punish Dean waaaay back in s9. And even then, Cas tried to do what he could to save her, even at that moment he felt personally betrayed by her.
>>> 
>>> **Anna** : I’ll give you Anna. She obviously didn’t choose to rip out her grace lightly. She truly did want to experience humanity for herself, and in the end she took her grace back as an act of self-sacrifice on behalf of humans. So. Yeah. Cas wasn’t completely unique in that regard. He is unique in that Naomi’s reprogramming didn’t stick, like it did with Anna…
>>> 
>>> **Gabriel** : I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that he was the epitome of free will and agency in an angel. Yeah, he did run away from Heaven. He didn’t want any part in the fighting. He just wanted it to be over. He enjoyed himself immensely fucking around on Earth, messing with humans in frankly disturbing ways. I mean, just look what he did to Sam. And he claimed to LIKE Sam. If that’s how you treat your friends… Well, yeah, he exercised a lot of free will, choosing to spent most of his existence pretending to be something he wasn’t just to avoid dealing with what he actually was. He saw humanity as an interesting distraction for the most part, until Dean called him out on it. 
>>> 
>>> **LUCIFER** : So you’re willing to die, for a pile of cockroaches. Why?  
>  **GABRIEL** : Because Dad was right. They are better than us.  
>  **LUCIFER** : They are broken. Flawed! Abortions.  
>  **GABRIEL** : Damn right they’re flawed. But a lot of them try. To do better, to forgive. And you should see the Spearmint Rhino! I’ve been riding the pine a long time. But I’m in the game now, and I’m not on your side, or Michael’s. I’m on theirs.
>>> 
>>> It took him right to the end of that episode to stand up and pick a side. And yeah, in the end he did pick Humanity. So I’ll give him points for trying.
>>> 
>>> **Gadreel** : I’ll give you Gadreel. He had his own personal issues that were very different from Cas’s, but he was easily deceived into trusting the wrong people… and ended up paying for it with his life.
>>> 
>>> **The Fishing Angels, Adina and Daniel** : I’ll give you them, as well. They were keen to understand humanity and free will for themselves. Who knows if their vessels appreciated it, but heck, they were trying. And they just wanted to be left alone and not dragged back to heaven for disobeying orders and killing the first angel sent to retrieve them. It was agonizing watching poor Cas trying to mediate this conversation when Hannah refused to bend from her orders:
>>> 
>>> **DANIEL** : I can assure you…Had he just left us alone, no one would’ve been harmed.  
>  **HANNAH** : His orders were to not leave you alone. And you killed him.  
>  **DANIEL** : And heaven sends two more. What is it about us angels that we can’t seem to get the message?  
>  **HANNAH** : Perhaps it is you who has failed to get the message? All of us serve at heaven’s command.  
>  **DANIEL** : I suppose. But that was before the fall, wasn’t it?  
>  **HANNAH** : You are an angel, once and forever.  
>  **DANIEL** : Dropped unwillingly…Unknowingly…Into a strange land, a land that, as it turns out, celebrates the free, the individual. For the first time in thousands of years, I have choices. And with each choice… I begin to discover who I really am.  
>  **HANNAH** : This is nonsense.  
>  **DANIEL** : Because they don’t teach you this in heaven? Perhaps they should. Then you would understand why it’s worth fighting for.  
>  **HANNAH** : He’s taunting us.  
>  **CASTIEL** : And then what? We kill him?  
>  **HANNAH** : Or he kills us? There are orders.
>>> 
>>> Daniel sounds shockingly like Cas here, yet even though this is EXACTLY what Cas had been trying to explain to other angels since s6, He tries to mediate, but was doomed to fail:
>>> 
>>> **DANIEL** : What I’ll never understand is why angels won’t acknowledge the wisdom to be found down here.  
>  **HANNAH** : What wisdom is to be gained from humans?  
>  **DANIEL** : I’m not speaking to you.  
>  **HANNAH** : Do you understand what he’s… Fine. But if you are to be free, that is to be decided by all angels.  
>  **DANIEL** : There’s that angelic irony.  
>  **ADINA** : We’re not going back there. Not ever.  
>  **DANIEL** : Adina. This is Hannah and Castiel. Stow the blade, please.  
>  **ADINA** : When she stows hers.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Hannah, what are you doing?  
>  **ADINA** : We’ll never get a chance to argue our freedom from a prison cell.  
>  **HANNAH** : You should’ve thought of that before slaughtering one of your own.  
>  **DANIEL** : No, no. We were talking. We were getting somewhere.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Okay, everybody just –  
>  **HANNAH** : You want to be free? Go ahead. Be free.  
>  **CASTIEL** : Hannah. Stop this. No. Daniel. No!
>>> 
>>> Hannah never intended to just let them go. It was either return to heaven to face punishment (imprisonment, torture, death), or die on the spot. Obviously she began to take a slightly different attitude about what might be learned from humans, but he still never conceded that angels might be able to change this way.
>>> 
>>> Heck, I think Daniel and Adina were far better examples of what Cas hoped for the angels to be than Hannah ever was.
>>> 
>>> And I’ll give you one more you didn’t ask for:  **Naomi**. All along she truly did believe that she was working for the greater good, manipulating and reprogramming angels who were “broken” and rejected their orders. Until she learned the truth from Metatron and was willing to listen to Cas and give him a chance to explain his side of things in 8.23. Her last words that we ever hear:
>>> 
>>> **NAOMI** : Our mission was to protect what God created. I don’t know when we forgot that. I want nothing more than to see you shut the Gates of Hell, but I told you that you could trust me. If Sam completes those trials, he is going to die.  
>  **DEAN** : What the hell are you talking about?  
>  **NAOMI** : I saw it in Metatron’s head. It was always God’s intention – the ultimate sacrifice. As for you, Castiel, I beg of you, stop this path. Metatron has been neutralized. If you want back in, truly, I will listen.
>>> 
>>> But it was too late… Cas didn’t believe her. She’d already burned all her bridges by what she’d done to him all along. By the time Cas learned she’d been telling him the truth, it was too late for him, too.
>>> 
>>> * * *
>>> 
>>> I do agree with you that whatever angels are left (since as far as I know there are no living Named Angels in the story currently) hopefully some of them are able to make their own choices like Daniel and Adina did in the end. But overall, I just think that the way angels have been portrayed– even to the extent that they’ve been metaphorically likened to computers, with an “operating system” and “programming” that can be manipulated– is that they essentially lack free will. It’s not that they reject free will, it literally was not included in the kit. It’s the one thing that really differentiates angels from humanity.
>>> 
>>> The show’s themes of self governance and agency have never really applied to the vast majority of angels. Those are, after all, HUMAN things. from 6.20:
>>> 
>>> **CASTIEL** Raphael…No. The Apocalypse doesn’t have to be fought!  
>  **RAPHAEL** Of course it does. It’s God’s will.  
>  **CASTIEL** How can you say that?!  
>  **RAPHAEL** Because it’s what I want.  
>  **CASTIEL** Well, the other angels won’t let you.  
>  **RAPHAEL** Are you sure? You know better than anyone, Castiel. They’re soldiers. They weren’t built for freedom. They were built to follow.  
>  **CASTIEL** Then I won’t let you.  
>  **RAPHAEL** Really? You?
>>> 
>>> Yes, many angels were willing to follow Castiel after that, but none of them had been willing to lead the revolt… Even Cas had his doubts that he was doing the right thing, right up until the end.
>>> 
>>> Angels weren’t built for freedom. For the vast majority of them, it’s not even part of their programming. Heck, maybe that’ll change with most of Heaven’s ruling structure in shambles now, but who knows? I don’t think the story has ever really been about the other angels learning the value of free will and what it means to be human for themselves. That’s Cas’s story. I honestly do not care whether one other single angel ever learns what free will is for themselves. I don’t think it’s the story that Supernatural has ever tried to tell us.
>> 
>> Ah ok :) for me I really do care if the Angels are addressed in the end in this way as it is a part of the overall theme of Agency and Free Will and obv I’ve read their story differently, so that’s why I care but I totally get that you don’t so I understand!
>> 
>> For me the the fact that they have to be reprogrammed / sent to Bible camp is what cements it for me, that they do have Free Will available in their kit. Because you don’t have to brainwash sheep. Having to be controlled in this way proves to me that if they weren’t some (I’m not saying all) of them would choose their own path or choose to remain as they are but by choice, not by force, especially now that their mission is over, unless they can be given a new mission, to just care for Humanity again, which is I hope where this is all leading through the Cas is the Angels’ Jesus subtext, but that’s just my opinion and it’s so subtextual it’s not clear at all that is where they’re going with it yet at all.
>> 
>> Thank you for responding, it’s all very interesting to see your pov as you know it all so deeply! I totally agree with you about Cas’s rejection of the Angels in itself and as for the initial point the anon was making - that some people think Cas does everything for Dean, pfff, I’m totally with you on all that as usual :)
> 
> I saw this post yesterday night (well, minus the additions from today) and I had something to say but it was late and I was tired so I decided to add my thing today and guess what, I don’t really remember where I meant to go.
> 
> Well, I remember that I wanted to say that reading the narrative of Cas and the angels though an interpretative key of the metaphor for a trans kid in a family with varying degrees of transphobia, from outright violent negation to a lack of understanding, is effective. At least personally, I find that if you read the narrative under that light (which was strongly suggested by season 12), it does sheds interesting lights on the narrative even when you take away the metaphor.
> 
> But trans kid metaphor aside, thing is, I think we can’t really make a discourse on free will without featuring identity in it. Choice and identity are sides of the same coin and identity requires agency to be built and agency requires identity to exist.
> 
> You have been discussing about in what degree angels are really unable of free will, since there is a need for forceful reprogramming. But I think that the issue of “what is included exactly in the angel kit” is not really fecund unless you take the issue of identity into consideration.
> 
> No angel but Anna (and angels who made her same choice before her, since it’s implied she’s not the first angel to have their grace ripped away and be reborn as a human) - setting Cas aside for the moment - have ever rejected an angel identity. In that Anna is truly different than a Balthazar or a Daniel and Adina. It’s not about a mere issue of free will and angelicness. It’s almost like the step further back, if it makes sense - it’s about angelic identity in the first place.
> 
> There is a confusion among the angels about what free will means in relation to angelicness and humanity. Hannah says that the things that come out of individuality are human things. Daniel mentions “the free, the individual”. Angels appear to be very distinct in their individuality - ever since season 4 they went around saying no emotions blah blah but Cas and Uriel were immediately perceivable as individuals with distinct personalities and emotions. You immediately call bullshit on the angelic company line because, duh.
> 
> It’s almost like there is a choice at the root of angels’ rejection of “free will” and it’s a choice of angelic identity that does not really make sense because, I think, it’s supposed not to make sense. Angels all show a degree of personality that is unique to each of them.  But they cling to that  _artificial_  angelic identity because we angels, them humans. And it doesn’t  _work_  because it’s made-up and forced, and you’ll always have angels who “stray” because the ideal of what an angel is is exactly that - an ideal, just like femininity and masculinity are ideals and a woman or a man will be a woman or a man, but in their own unique declination of that identity. Does it make sense?
> 
> Cas’ narrative fits in a space that is not the “angels and free will” space. Balthazar’s fit there. Daniel’s and Adina’s fit there. Gabriel’s fit there a bit ambiguously, in the sense that he started at the opposite extremity of the free will spectrum and ended up choosing free will, but also stated that what he was doing was choosing the humans’ side, so he wasn’t absolutely choosing free will for the sake of it, if you get what I mean.
> 
> Cas’ narrative is about identity in a sense that the issue of free will is an integral part of but is almost tangential to, under some aspects.
> 
> The angels did not reject Cas for “choosing free will”, whatever that means (because let’s be real, it’s so vague, and it’s supposed to be). Yes, he made that mess with the Raphael war and some good ol’ slaughter of angels but okay, it happens, we can fix this. The angels did not reject Cas for caring for humanity. A lot of angels do/did, and sure, the ramifications of the concept are a bit controversial among angels but we can sit at a table and talk.
> 
> The angels rejected Cas for a matter of identity. “i don’t see an angel staring back at me”. Cas’ loyalty to the Winchesters isn’t seen as a matter of actions, but of identity, they reject Cas for what he is (what they perceive him to be, and, well, they’re pretty accurate in their assessment) not, strictly speaking, something he does.
> 
> Even back in season 7 the issue wasn’t even the slaughter in heaven  _in itself_. It was how Cas was perceived as inherently corrupted by Dean. And that became progressively clearer as Cas himself started experiencing identity issues, “as an angel or a man”. The more Cas feels human the more the angels reject him the more his feeling of not belonging with the angels is reinforced and so it goes.
> 
> The angels’ problem with Cas, basically, is that  _ **Cas does not adhere to their normative ideal of angelhood**_. And we return to the metaphor of the trans kid anyway, because Cas’ identity journey is so strongly queer-coded that it’s easy to see  _ **angelhood as a normative identitarian concept and the angels’ rejection of Cas a consequence of Cas’ inability (a mixture of “I was born this way” - the crack in the chassis he’s always had, apparently - and choice of behavior and group affiliation - humanity/the Winchesters/Dean in particular).**_

Yeah, and this is what made me uncomfortable about answering the original question, and then running off along this particular tangent just to reply to the others.

Because Cas’s primary story for… at least since the beginning of s9, has been WHAT ARE YOU, WHO ARE YOU. Are you an angel or a man?

And yeah, we don’t know his entire history, or the reasons he’d had in the past for disobeying orders, but we know that he’s been forced to confront these questions very directly since s9.

The other angels are the ones who keep pushing him to choose– not just where his loyalty lies, but  _what he is_. It’s often couched in terms of loyalty, like in 12.19:

 **Kelvin** : You’re doing the right thing, you know. Committing to Joshua’s plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean, your reputation in Heaven is-  
 **Castiel** : This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this for the Winchesters. I-I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission and to keep them safe from Dagon, and I – I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.

But Kelvin was implying that “committing to Joshua’s plan” meant that Cas had rejected his humanity. Cas clarified that without hesitation that he had not.

Going all the way back to 9.01 though:

 **YOUNG WOMAN**  : Castiel. We met in Heaven. My name is Hael.  
 **CASTIEL** : You’re an angel.  
 **YOUNG WOMAN** : Am I? What’s an angel without its wings?

Some of the angels were okay with this sudden and traumatic change in their identity. Most were really, really not.

 **CASTIEL** : I didn’t want to hurt any of them. I want to help you. I will devote my life to helping you all.  
 **HAEL** : Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Help angels? After what you did? They don’t want your help, Castiel. They want your head.  
 **CASTIEL** : You’re wrong. I’m one of you. I will never stop being one of you.

Cas’s story has always been different from the vast majority of other angels for this exact reason. I pointed out in my original reply that it’s partly due to the fact that (like Anna) he is alone in his vessel. He’s not borrowing it from a human soul still in residence. He is at his core something truly unique, and his story isn’t just about free will or choice, but coming to an understanding of what he is and what he wants to be

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [it's not a shippy thing it's an 'are you an angel or a man' thing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it%27s-not-a-shippy-thing-it%27s-an-%27are-you-an-angel-or-a-man%27-thing) [this has been his primary character arc FOR YEARS in a way that it has never been for any other angel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-has-been-his-primary-character-arc-FOR-YEARS-in-a-way-that-it-has-never-been-for-any-other-angel) [no other angel has ever faced this sort of choice](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/no-other-angel-has-ever-faced-this-sort-of-choice) [you learned it from the goats](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)

 

#  [Need vs Want, Angel vs Human](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161740368910/need-vs-want-angel-vs-human)

[Jun 12, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161740368910/need-vs-want-angel-vs-human)

44 notes

I was talking with lizbob about this post she made:

<https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/161737003368/something-i-dont-think-ive-ever-seen-anyone-talk>

And I sort of went off on a tangent about Cas. And I wanted to finish the thought through to the end and inflict it on the rest of y’all. We were talking about the Tommy-Cas parallel between 1.02 and 8.02 (and really all of Cas’s experiences in Purgatory), and what the key differences were:

 **elizabethrobertajones** : yeah :P he didn’t have any massive guilt that staying to be eaten by a wendigo might lighten >.>

 **mittensmorgul** : yeah… :P

 **elizabethrobertajones** : probably a romantic storytelling thing too

 **mittensmorgul** : nor was he trying to sacrifice himself to the wendigo to keep it from going after his loved ones  
yeah

 **elizabethrobertajones** : to have what should be such a simple request refused for more high fling miserable, emotionally elevated reasons  
it doesnt’ make sense to Dean because it should  
*shouldn’t do  
wonder if you could spin it far enough that Cas is rejecting typical sibling behaviour  
like obviously he doesn’t stay in purgatory because he loves Dean  
but casting the simple rescue as something family would do for each other  
and having Cas reject it but out of love and guilt and his own personal arc being in the wrong place  
that’s too complicated for siblings :P

 **mittensmorgul** : ooh… yeah, and his Angel family saved him against his will, only to use him yet again

 **elizabethrobertajones** : oooh no  
ooooooh no

 **mittensmorgul** : and on some level, that’s possibly what he was thinking Dean was asking him at the time with the “I need you”  
Thinking of Dean in the context of his angel siblings, and that they had similar “needs” for him  
because that really was the beginning of Cas’s arc toward humanity  
and that was one of the first differences he needed to learn

 **elizabethrobertajones** : aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

 **mittensmorgul** : oh no  
This is also very shortly after Cas’s experiences as Emmanuel

* * *

For the first time in his existence, Cas had spent time  _believing_  he was a human, just one with some exceptional gifts. He had no memories of being an angel, or of Sam and Dean, or anything else. Like Dean in 12.11, he was stripped down to the essence of who he is, and without the burden of responsibility and duty to Heaven or saving the entire world, what he chose to do was spend his time healing people.

He’s barely had a chance to process ANY of this with the recovery of his memories in 7.17, because he spends the next four episodes in a coma induced by taking on Sam’s hell damage, and then being awakened by the Leviathan Tablet being revealed and the Prophet being chosen. Which was all tied directly to the fact that Cas had been the vessel for the Leviathan having broken into the world in the first place.

But while Cas had lived as a human, believing he was human, he was never  _truly_ human. He was still trying to process human things via observation and emulation, sort of the way Hannah did during s10. He was trying to understand humanity while not understanding that he  _wasn’t human_.

When his memories were restored, he finally had a reference point for all his observations and experiences, as filtered through the perceptions of an angel with billions of years of knowledge… and thus conflating Dean’s “I need you” in Purgatory with the same sort of “need” Naomi and the other angels sent to rescue him had for him. As in, they needed to  _use_  him for their own ends.

This all got further sorted out after Cas  _did_  fall and become truly human, but  when he finally understood what it was to truly  _need_  something as a human, Dean was being blackmailed with Sam’s life, and was forced to push Cas away without any explanation.

The whole truth of the situation came out eventually, but by then Cas had already been pushed into a situation where he’d had to steal another angel’s grace in order to save himself. Need vs want.

But Cas has now seen those human things from the other side of the equation. Human need isn’t just an abstract concept or a theoretical observation to him. It’s now something he’s been struggling to reconcile against being an angel again. In a lot of ways, his late s7 experiences were the true beginning of his “who am I and  _what_  am I” arc.

All of the sibling parallels (not just Tommy in 1.02, but also Amara and Chuck in s11) that also creepily function as a “spot the difference” game alongside various romantically-coded parallels, only add layers to Cas’s struggle to come to an understanding about any of this. Especially while Dean’s still using the “family” and “brothers” lines on him.

But after 12.12, at least the  _need_  side of things seems to be clearing up. Cas finally got to see that Dean (and Sam) really feel a fundamentally different sort of need for him than his angel siblings do. He’s still trying to reconcile that need through what he can do for (Sam and) Dean via his powers and abilities as an angel. He’s still of a mindset that while they have welcomed him regardless of his ability to do stuff for them, he still feels that’s the way HE can express his own loyalty, devotion…  _love_ … for the Winchesters– the same way it’s always been expected of him to express that to his angel siblings.

Because Cas  _is_  still an angel, even if he does have his human experiences to guide him now. It’s really not something he’s been able to fully reconcile yet.

End meta, begin speculation:

I have my fingers crossed that however he’s resurrected in s13, this will be what FINALLY brings him some fundamental perspective on the true difference here. This is why I’ve got SO MUCH riding on the fact that it will be Jack’s 50% human/50% angel powers that will be what resurrects Cas this time, so he can reconcile his human feelings and understanding with his angelic feelings and understanding. 

sp[n 1.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.02) [spn 8.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.02) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [spn 12.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.23) [spn s13 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-speculation)

 

#  [The maddest thing a man can do](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164299862455/the-maddest-thing-a-man-can-do)

[Aug 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164299862455/the-maddest-thing-a-man-can-do)

108 notes

I’m currently suffering my way through a rewatch of late s10, which is the point where Cas’s personal character development was temporarily sidetracked along with Dean’s, in favor of writing the SPN universe’s origin story in s11… but my s10 complaints are taking a back seat for this post, and instead I’m gonna focus on how 10.18 has brought us (FINALLY!) to where Cas is after 12.23. That’s EXACTLY where the story’s led us.

(I’ve been talking about this with Lizbob this morning, in relation to the reply she posted earlier about Dean and Jody connected up through Biggersons, Gas N Sip, TDK slammers, and 13.03 speculation, because this is the Cas version of that speculation. This is the text post equivalent of the red string conspiracy picture: “okay I’m writing the thing. 10.18, 10.20 *which I’m watching right now*, 10.23, 11.10, 11.22, 11.23, 12.01, 12.02, 12.03,  12.09, 12.15, 12.19, 12.23… *ties red strings around all of them* “

So that’s my premise for the progression of Cas’s journey to the Maddest Thing A Man Can Do. We get all this exposition from Metatron in 10.18, reminding us of Cas’s humanity (that Metatron forced on him in 8.23, and which he’s struggled with throughout s9– sacrificed in 9.09 when he stole Theo’s grace in order to survive and alert Dean about “Ezekiel” having died in the fall, lamented in 9.11 with Sam, struggled with nearly dying in early s10 before Crowley gave him another infusion of stolen grace in 10.03, and then pushed to the side in the name of saving Dean through most of the rest of s10… until Metatron brings this back to the surface in 10.18, sending Cas off on a series of personal side-missions to collect enough Experience Points to prepare him for the Final Boss Battle. But I’m getting ahead of myself here…)

 **METATRON** : Really? That song is a classic. Yeah I hear you. I do. And you’re right. Inclement weather on the day of your nuptials and the wrong cutlery at inopportune times is hardly ironic. But it sure is catchy. Yeah, fair point. Can’t argue taste. But since I became human, it’s just so….strange. All these feelings, you know? I mean, I can feel music. Like that last song, “Sussudio.” I don’t even know what it’s about and I love it. I always enjoyed lyrics, words, stories. Gives me goose bumps. And Goosebumps – don’t even get me started on those. Creepy! And yet….arousing.

and then

 **METATRON** : Mmmmmm! O…M…Me! Oh. Food. Glorious Food. Mmm. All the countless descriptions in so many books, but those are just words. Oh, the taste, the – the actual taste…. I had no idea. Oh. And the process. Goes in here [he points to his mouth]…comes out here [points toward his rear]. Sorcery. I mean, you used to be human. Don’t you miss all this?  
 **CASTIEL** : No. I don’t miss digestion. I don’t miss indigestion.  
 **METATRON** : No, no, no. Not that. I mean, don’t you miss the feeling of all this? Like the taste of these waffles. The sound of a child’s laughter. Look at us. We’re a couple of angels who’ve touched not only the divine, but the mundane. You and I have a lot in common.

and then

 **CASTIEL** : “What is the maddest thing a man can do?” It’s a riddle? What – what’s the answer?  
 **METATRON** : Beats me. I’ve only been a man a day. Um, the – the answer to the riddle will lead to another book. And inside that book, you’ll find your Grace. We’re gonna work this out together, okay? Teamwork.

leading up to:

 **CASTIEL** : What we did back there was unfortunate. No more of our brothers and sisters should die.  
 **METATRON** : Brothers and sisters? Listen to you. Still spitting out the company line like anyone cares. Like we’re actually a family? When what we really are – are a bunch of glowing lights filled with self-loathing or delusions of grandeur. Or both.  
 **CASTIEL** : You shut up!  
 **METATRON** : No! If I’m gonna die, I want answers. Like, who are you now? Like, you’re obviously not an angel of the Lord. And what about all of this walking the earth like Caine from “Kung Fu” crap? Cleaning up Heaven’s messes. How many more rogue angels are there out there? And, what are you gonna do once you’re done with all that? Go back to Heaven? Please. The angel formerly known as Hannah has restored order up top. Smoothest it’s run since God cut the ribbon on the pearly gates. So tell me, Castiel, truly, what is your mission now?  
 **CASTIEL** : You shut up and keep looking. [Castiel walks away.]  
 **METATRON** : Well…Cannot say I didn’t try. [He activates the sigils and walks toward Castiel in the next row. Castiel is coughing and collapses.] Poor Castiel. Swam so far just to drown in shallow waters. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?

Metatron has just stated Cas’s eventual entire journey, even though like most of Metatron’s “stories,” it all happens in ways he never expected. Metatron uses his clue (“What two things do you need to succeed in life?” Ignorance and confidence.) to find the Demon Tablet, while Cas uses the Cervantes quote to find his grace. 

What’s the maddest thing a man can do? Let himself die.

The “human” part of Cas that he’d been struggling to reconcile with the angel part since 9.01 is sacrificed in a last-ditch effort to save himself from burning out entirely. But instead of being the END of Castiel’s journey, it’s truly the very beginning of it. It’s more a reuniting of these two halves, and the next two seasons are about Cas coming to terms with what he wants, and with who he is, where he belongs, and where he wants to be regardless. Metatron spells it all out:

  * who are you now? Like, you’re obviously not an angel of the Lord. And what about all of this walking the earth like Caine from “Kung Fu” crap? Cleaning up Heaven’s messes. How many more rogue angels are there out there?
  * And, what are you gonna do once you’re done with all that? Go back to Heaven? Please.
  * So tell me, Castiel, truly, what is your mission now?



And as we’ve come to see post 12.10, 12.12, 12.15, and 12.19, maybe the problem is the fact he feels he has a “mission” at all… Maybe what he needs is to finally TRULY BELIEVE that he is a full-fledged member of the Winchester family, and not just because that’s where he wants to be. He needs to understand that THEY want HIM to be an equal part of the family, and not just because he’s useful to them or because of what he can do for them.

(aside to point out the episode immediately following this one also deals with this theme of a man letting himself die being the maddest thing he can do, but that sharing the burden out between multiple people has the power to save everyone… but I know I have meta on this comparison back in my 10.19 tag so I’m gonna shut up about it here *ties that red string into a neat bow and moves on*)

Cas spends 10.20 tying his own personal little red strings into neat bows with regards to Claire and his obligations to her for feeling responsible for everything that’s happened to her and the loss of her parents, but this was just step one in making peace with himself. Helping Claire find her mother, and then helping her move on with her own life, giving her some peace over Jimmy’s sacrifice, helping her (and the audience) understand that Cas is (and has been since 4.22) an entirely separate entity from Jimmy, and that Jimmy’s arc for Cas is officially over. From that point on, Cas can progress through his own ordeal of humanity.

Of course he gets sidetracked by the narrative (as all of TFW do while dealing with the Darkness), but as I said earlier, each of those side quests provides him more insight into his own situation. All those episodes I mentioned above provide him the chance to sort through his own sense of guilt, his unresolved feeling of obligation to Heaven, to repairing the damage he’s done through releasing the Leviathan, for the chain reaction that led to at the end of s8 and his feelings of complicity with Metatron in the Angel Fall event, and the subsequent damage to Heaven and Earth that the ensuing battles have led to… right the way up to his complicity with Sam in using the Book of the Damned to “cure” Dean of the Mark and releasing the Darkness…

This led directly to the sense of personal desperation that prompted him to say yes to Lucifer, feeling that he was useless for anything else, and choosing to make what he believed was the necessary sacrifice so that Sam and Dean wouldn’t have to. This is the same logic that drove him to agree to work with Kelvin in 12.15, and to steal the Colt from Dean in 12.19. He was going to do the Terrible Bad Thing (killing an innocent– Kelly) so that Dean and Sam wouldn’t have to.

Up to that point, he’d been trying to do the maddest thing an angel can do… to sacrifice himself in the name of humanity (and Humanity). Again, a Metatron quote, that Cas may have draped himself in the flag of heaven, but in the end he’d done it all in the name of one man. And while Cas may have understood this on an intellectual level, ever since 10.18 when he’d taken on the burden of his own grace again, as Metatron had told him, as an angel, he could go through the motions of eating the waffles, but only as a human could they truly EXPERIENCE those feelings directly.

Through everything that’s happened to him since 10.18, Cas has had this barrier of his grace blocking him from FEELING the humanity of it all. He’s got the advantage of experience to guide him through an intellectual understanding of this, and a memory of what it DOES feel like from a human perspective, and that certainly has played a role in guiding his actions. But he’s still struggling with those same essential questions posed by Metatron. The essential ones also posed to him back in 9.06– that yes he wants to live, but as what? An angel or a man?

The same one raised throughout his history going all the way back to his doubts about Heaven’s Plans way back in 4.07. His story has been slowly reconciling those doubts with his own exploration of humanity, dealing with his guilt and his choices going right through 12.23, when he’s finally done the maddest thing a man can do.

That’s not to say that Cas “let” himself die in 12.23, and we clearly don’t have a full understanding of everything that happened there yet, but we do know one thing. Cas still needs to answer those questions for himself.

[spn s13 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-speculation) [spn 12.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.23) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [i blame metadouche for everything including global warming and bee colony collapse](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-blame-metadouche-for-everything-including-global-warming-and-bee-colony-collapse) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [i feel like i'm trying to convey far more than any amount of words can here and i'm failing horribly at it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-feel-like-i%27m-trying-to-convey-far-more-than-any-amount-of-words-can-here-and-i%27m-failing-horribly-at-it) [but i look at that string of episodes and see a very clear red thread connecting all of them](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-i-look-at-that-string-of-episodes-and-see-a-very-clear-red-thread-connecting-all-of-them) [but honestly i'm literally reduced to the embodiment of that image up there for lack of a more concise way to explain it all](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-honestly-i%27m-literally-reduced-to-the-embodiment-of-that-image-up-there-for-lack-of-a-more-concise-way-to-explain-it-all) [let me explain... no there is too much... let me sum up](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/let-me-explain...-no-there-is-too-much...-let-me-sum-up) [*points and flails at all the red string*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Apoints-and-flails-at-all-the-red-string%2A) [s12 hellatus rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-hellatus-rewatch) [spn 10.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.18) [spn 10.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.19) [spn 10.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.20)

 

[Aug 27, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164694493875/helianthus21-mittensmorgul-awed-frog)

188 notes

[helianthus21](https://helianthus21.tumblr.com/post/164692576508/mittensmorgul-awed-frog-k-vichan-the):

> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164691478545/awed-frog-k-vichan-the-discussion-making-the):
>
>> [awed-frog](http://awed-frog.tumblr.com/post/164684570442/k-vichan-the-discussion-making-the-rounds-right):
>>
>>> [k-vichan](https://k-vichan.tumblr.com/post/164674508319/the-discussion-making-the-rounds-right-now-is):
>>>
>>>> The discussion making the rounds right now is Human!Cas versus Angel!Cas as the endgame. I think the bulk of it got posted when I was in the car driving south, so I missed much of the discussion.
>>>> 
>>>> Here’s my opinion no one asked for (and I can’t find a good thread to attach this to, so I’m starting yet another one because I’m an asshole):
>>>> 
>>>> Cas choosing humanity is incredibly symbolic, and to me it represents a very real situation that happens all the time.
>>>> 
>>>> When I look at an ongoing plot of this show, I tend to take it out of the supernatural context and put it into a real world context in order for it to make sense, and I feel like there are times where we are  _meant_  to do that. For example, Sam’s demon blood storyline was addiction born out of hopelessness. The Gadreel storyline is another good example of this: if you take Sam’s possession out of it, Dean forcing Cas out of their home was really about protecting Sam and not Gadreel forcing Dean to throw Cas out. Another more overt example of this is the episode  _Red Meat_ , when even in an episode involving werewolves and a reaper, the show took the deals and the sacrifices and codependency in general out of the supernatural context and put it into the real world context; Sam was shot by a real gun, and Dean downed a ton of real pills.
>>>> 
>>>> That’s likely why I have the opinion that Cas’s endgame is humanity, because to me it’s about  _family_ , and having the ability and freedom to choose your own family.
>>>> 
>>>> Cas’s family has treated him like crap from the beginning. They’ve tortured him, they’ve brainwashed him, they’ve attempted to force their beliefs on him, and they’ve given him ultimatums. They come to him when they want or need something, and not because they actually want him there or respect who he is. The exceptions to this (Hannah, Samandriel) were killed.
>>>> 
>>>> So to me, it really seems like remaining an angel over choosing to become human is the equivalent of choosing an abusive family over a better one, whereas choosing humanity is realizing where his real family is.
>>>> 
>>>> It’s not about power. It’s about chosen family.
>>> 
>>> Well - the objection to this is that in order to belong somewhere, you don’t need to be exactly the same as them. I think everybody who watched SKAM was  _super_ thrilled about the fact Sana didn’t need to renounce her scarf or her faith in order to be accepted by her friends - instead, she opened up, changed her mind on some things, explained herself on others, and imo that was a beautiful ending. True family loves you no matter what, and gives you the courage and self-confidence to be yourself. So to me, the premise that, in order to be fully accepted by the Winchesters and belong with them, Cas has to give up what’s left of his wings is a false equivalence. Furthermore, if we want to nitpick, we simply don’t know enough about Cas’ life in Heaven to say his family hates him and wants him out. Sure - the situation is dire now, and, sure - we know Cas was punished, on occasion, because he refused to follow orders, but what about everything else? What about his deep bonds to angels like Balthazar and Ishim’s team, what about his contented smiles when other names are dropped - of people he clearly considers friends and cares about? There’s  _hundreds_ of angels up there, possibly  _thousands_ , and Cas’ shared his life - and his mind, at least in part - with them for millions of years. And, sure, the family theme is a recurrent theme in  _Supernatural_ , but personally I’m hoping they won’t cheapen the world-building too much, because you can’t really compare Heaven’s structures to a human family.
>>> 
>>> Plus, I don’t really like the ‘abusive family’ metaphor because Cas is not an abused victim here - he gave as good as he got, personally slaughtered dozens of his own brothers, basically destroyed two archangels (God’s chosen, let’s remember that) in that he helped Sam and Dean to lock Michael away and he incinerated Raphael, and was ready to lock the Gates of Heaven for good. This is a civil war, not domestic abuse. And I’m sure it’s just me, but I mostly dislike the occasional attempts to reduce the issues of mythical, almost unfathomable supernatural beings to ordinary human feelings - that whole  _Daddy never played catch with me_  between Lucifer and Chuck, for instance, was very nearly out of place. 
>>> 
>>> (Also, another point on the _let’s agree to disagree_  list would be that thing about Sam and demon blood - I always read Sam as a kind of symbol of the American upperclass, in contrast to Dean’s firm belonging to the working class, which means that it never surprised me that Dean’s drug of choice is alcohol, while Sam had that whole ‘performance enhancing’ and ‘sort of like cocaine, but grosser’ storyline with demon blood. To me, that was never about hopelessness at all. Sam was proud (hence the whole mirror with Lucifer, and why  _Swan Song_  worked as well as it did), and he thought he could go at it alone - demon blood was simply a kind of doping substance - the equivalent of traders surviving on coffee and cocaine. After all, the whole  _point_ of that earlier narrative was that Sam needed to be humbled, remember? And they pushed it so far that Sam’s never truly recovered.)
>> 
>> I’m not going to argue any of the rest of your points on the  _let’s agree to disagree_ list, but one point does merit argument– that the archangels are “god’s chosen.” The entirety of s11 tends to disprove that theory.
>> 
>> Chuck himself said that archangels were the “stuff of primordial creation,” and repeatedly denied that Lucifer was his favorite. If proof of that isn’t to be found in 11.20 in Chuck’s conversations with Metatron (which I’ll get to in a minute), I think it absolutely can be found in the fact that out of all of them, Castiel is the ONE angel Chuck specifically chose to reincarnate over and over again.
>> 
>> All those other angels who were killed throughout the series, and the ONLY one Chuck thought should be reincarnated is Cas. Not Raphael and Gabriel, not Lucifer and Michael. I mean, Chuck was PISSED that someone let Lucifer out of the cage in the first place.
>> 
>> Throughout 11.20, Chuck tries to deflect as Metatron pushes him closer and closer to honesty. His final argument, the one that TRULY hits home to Chuck, that finally gets Chuck off his ass and back in the fight, is this:
>> 
>> **METATRON:**  (Stands up and looks at CHUCK with wet eyes.) No, look. I know I’m a disappointment, but you’re wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they’re better than you are.  
> (CHUCK starts to look more guilty as he looks at METATRON.)  
>  **METATRON:**  Yeah, sure, they’re weak and they cheat and steal and… destroy and disappoint. But they also give and create and they sing and dance and love. And above all, they never give up! But, you do!  
> (CHUCK looks devastated. METATRON continues to look at CHUCK with a tear rolling down his cheek. CHUCK puts on his glasses, clears his throat, and starts typing with determination in his eyes. METATRON looks heart-broken.)
>> 
>> But this was one of Chuck’s earlier confessions–
>> 
>> **Chuck:**  I was stupid. Naive. I thought if I could show my sister that there was something more than just us, something better than us, then maybe she’d change. Maybe she’d stop… being… her. But… every time I’d build a new world… she’d destroy it.
>> 
>> And then two episodes later, Chuck and Amara BOTH look to Dean as the exemplar of that “something more than just us, something better than us.” Not the useless archangels that were nothing more than primordial creation, but HUMANITY.
>> 
>> So I think part of our disconnect over “unfathomable supernatural beings” versus “ordinary human feelings.” Because in the language of the show, there’s nothing “ordinary” about human feelings, and there’s nothing “elevated” about those supernatural beings. It’s not “reducing” them, or taking something away from them for a desire to be human. Because in the language of the show, it’s HUMANITY that God reveres as his highest creation. It’s humanity that Chuck so wanted to adopt for HIMSELF. Not archangels, not infinite and unfathomable power, but HUMAN FEELINGS and creations like music and love and hope and art and dreams.
>> 
>> So in that sense, I find it very confusing that people would want to bar Castiel from having that for himself, if it’s what he truly wants.
> 
> (I should be asleep now but to explain that last part with how I personally see this is: yeah, of course the show emphasizes that humanity is the ‘highest creation’ but they’re not the only thing in existence. For me, Cas doesn’t have to become a human to be human anyway, if that makes sense. The message of S12 was, or should have been(?) that not all ‘monsters’ are monsters; idk but a too extreme focus on humans - where does that end? killing all non-humans or curing them because human is the only way to be?)

Heck this post is already long enough, but I have never said any of that, and I’m confused as to where that belief is coming from. I think the message of s12 was entirely clear– that not all monsters are monstrous, and sometimes the most monstrous thing on the field is a human.

I think the lesson that “killing all non-humans” is A TERRIBLE IDEA was one of the core messages of s12. It’s not something that even HUNTERS want.

When has the show (or any meta writer) ever said that all non-humans should be killed or cured? Or that being human is the only way to be? I have never seen either of those things put forth as a theory on the supernatural universe.

But also, if Cas does truly want to be human (and there’s where I think our only real difference of opinion lies, in what we believe we’re being show about what Castiel wants FOR HIMSELF), how can he be truly human if he’s an angel? I mean he can sympathize with humans, he can act human, but he can’t BE a human and fully experience humanity with his grace.

That’s why Anna ripped her grace out and chose to fall. That’s why Cas lamented his inability to enjoy the small pleasures he took while he was human once he stole Theo’s grace. The show has clearly demonstrated that as long as he retains his grace, he feels cut off from both the worst and the best of what it is to be human.

I think that’s something that he must confront in himself, since he’s been asked repeatedly what he is, and has always (in dire circumstances) argued that he’s an angel (though his protestations were hardly convincing), or else failed to answer the question at all. In order for him to have any sort of resolution, this question must be answered definitively.

The only bit of it up for debate is really whether he would choose to be an angel, or if his freely-made choice would be to live as a human– which means being fully and completely human.

This isn’t to make broad judgments across the entire Supernatural universe about every supernatural being in existence. This is explicitly and specifically about Castiel and his character development over the last nine seasons of the show.

It has nothing to do with where he might choose to live, nor who he counts as family, nor his relationship (or lack thereof) with God. This is about what he’s learned about Free Will, humanity, and choice, and how that has changed him.

[are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)

 

[Aug 28, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164699103670/id-like-to-suggest-to-everyone-upset-at-the)

153 notes

I’d like to suggest to everyone upset at the notion of Cas giving up his grace (completely voluntarily, not ripped from him against his will, or because he feels pressured to by circumstance, or because he thinks it’s expected of him for whatever reason, but of his own free will relinquishing his grace and becoming fully human entirely by his own choice)…

If you’re upset about this because you’re reading his character arc as one of an immigrant moving to a foreign land and feeling pressured to conform to a new society and give up long-held traditions, then I humbly invite you to consider this instead:

A trans person coming to terms with how unsatisfying it is to live as a gender they do not identify with anymore.

Worse, to have his original family shame him for this choice, for wanting to live as a human on Earth. To be outcast for this choice, even.

Like the angels Hannah insisted Cas help round up and return (against their will!) to Heaven when all they wanted was to experience life on Earth, as humans (or as close to human as an angel can experience).

And that over the course of the last number of years, Cas has struggled with this division in himself, this desire to experience humanity while also feeling limited in that experience because of his grace (as he said in 9.11, referring to an angel’s experience of a thing he loved as a human– the pbj– as “overwhelming and disgusting.” It’s not intended for angels, and angels can’t fully engage with reality the same way humans can. It’s just a fact). And he mourns that loss.

But like Cas tried to convince Hannah that angels shouldn’t be forced to return to heaven if they don’t want to go, he shouldn’t be forced to keep his grace if he truly doesn’t feel it’s a part of who and what he is and who and what he wants to be.

I can honestly say that I understand the reading of his story as an immigrant to a new land, and how his “assimilation” into the local culture through forcing him to become just like the locals and reject his own culture is a narrative that a lot of people have chosen to see in Cas, but I do not honestly believe that is the narrative they are presenting about Cas, and I do not believe that his eventual choice (which I see as inevitable at this point) to become fully human is intended to represent this sort of rejection of a native culture and personal history to “fit in” in a new land. It’s not about Cas’s culture and history, it’s about how he sees himself as an individual.

Giving up his grace isn’t about rejecting his culture, it’s about becoming the person he feels he is.

And in that light, I hope the people who are upset about where it really looks like Cas is headed in canon can find a bit of understanding and solace. Because I see it as the opposite of being forced to adapt to a new culture and reject his old culture in order to fit in. It’s finally being allowed to become what he wants to be. And that is a positive narrative if I ever heard one.

[are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29) [maybe it wasn't always intended to be a queer narrative but damn if it doesn't fit into a queer narrative now](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/maybe-it-wasn%27t-always-intended-to-be-a-queer-narrative-but-damn-if-it-doesn%27t-fit-into-a-queer-narrative-now) [this entire series has always been about freedom and choice and rejecting destiny for free will](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-entire-series-has-always-been-about-freedom-and-choice-and-rejecting-destiny-for-free-will) [and this has been what cas has been learning since the day he pulled dean out of hell](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-this-has-been-what-cas-has-been-learning-since-the-day-he-pulled-dean-out-of-hell) [and then his very identity began to be questioned to the degree the other angels literally TORTURED him for his proclivities](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-then-his-very-identity-began-to-be-questioned-to-the-degree-the-other-angels-literally-TORTURED-him-for-his-proclivities) [i mean... how is this not a queer narrative?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-mean...-how-is-this-not-a-queer-narrative%3F)

 

#  [Anna, Grace, and Humanity](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165529292700/anna-grace-and-humanity)

[Sep 19, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165529292700/anna-grace-and-humanity)

163 notes

[nealcassatiel](https://nealcassatiel.tumblr.com/post/165526131069/anna-grace-and-humanity):

> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/165517678485/anna-grace-and-humanity):
>
>> (note: I’d written about a thousand words of this post when my laptop suddenly rebooted without warning and ate the entire thing. This is my post-screaming-fit attempt to recreate it. This time I’m typing it in a google doc because autosave is my friend… I should really do this more often and stop playing so fast and loose with typing directly into tumblr posts, especially on long posts…)
>> 
>> I know I’ve written a metric ton of stuff about angels and grace and souls. I’ve got multiple tags for all of these things. I just rewatched 4.10, though, and realized just how Anna’s situation has served as the exemplar for how all of this functions within the entirety of canon. Despite a lot of exploration in later seasons that may seem to tinker with these fundamental ideas about exactly what grace is, I think that these essential facts still hold true. Even through what we later learn about Chuck creating the angels and human souls, the nature of Free Will, and what happens to Cas in s9 after Metatron removes his grace, and what happens to Metatron after Cas subsequently removes his grace. All of that still firmly fits within the framework of everything laid out in 4.10 about angels and identity and what grace actually is.
>> 
>> **Sam** : Wait a minute. I don’t understand. So, angels can just become human?  
>  **Anna** : It kind of hurts. Try cutting your kidney out with a butter knife. That kind of hurt. I ripped out my grace.  
>  **Dean** : Come again?  
>  **Anna** : My grace. It’s… energy. Hacked it out and fell. My mother, Amy, couldn’t get pregnant. Always called me her little miracle. She had no idea how right she was.
>> 
>> Grace… is energy. And whatever makes Anna who she is– for lack of a better word, her personality– her memories, her thoughts and feelings, her emotions, her very consciousness, is explicitly differentiated and separated from “her grace.” In this analogy, her grace is not equivalent AT ALL to who she is. It’s not her identity.
>> 
>> **DEAN** : So, what, you’re just gonna take some divine bong hit, and, shazam, you’re Roma Downey?  
>  **ANNA** : Something like that.  
>  **DEAN** : All right. I like this plan. So, where’s this grace of yours?  
>  **ANNA** : Lost track. I was falling about 10,000 miles per hour at the time.  
>  **SAM** : Wait. You mean falling, like, literally?  
>  **ANNA** : Yes.  
>  **SAM** : Like the way a human eye can see? Like a comet, maybe, or a meteor?
>> 
>> She fell, but she lost track of this “energy” falling separately from her. That energy doesn’t have its own consciousness. So then what is it? I’ll get to that in a second, but first, Sam confirms this separation from who Anna identifies as versus the power itself:
>> 
>> **SAM** : Here. In march ‘85, a meteorite vanished in the night sky over northwestern Ohio. It was sighted nine months before Anna was born, and she was born in that part of Ohio.  
>  **RUBY** : You’re pretty buff for a nerd.  
>  **SAM** : Look, I think it was Anna and here, same time – another meteor over Kentucky.  
>  **RUBY** : And that’s her grace?  
>  **SAM** : Might be.
>> 
>> Anna fell over Ohio, and her grace, separate from her, fell in Kentucky. We learn a few minutes later what her grace actually is, confirming the sort of “energy” it is, which is essentially how Chuck describes all of creation toward the end of s11:
>> 
>> **SAM** : Yeah. In ‘85, there was an empty field outside of town. Six months later, there was a full-grown oak. They say it looks a century old at least.  
>  **DEAN** : Anna, what do you think?  
>  **ANNA** : The grace. Where it hit, it could have done something like that, easy.  
>  **DEAN** : So grace ground zero – it’s not destruction. It’s…  
>  **ANNA** : Pure creation.
>> 
>> Grace is potential, it’s energy, it’s power. It’s batteries. That’s it. It doesn’t even affect Anna’s assumptions about her own identity. Before Pamela helps her recover her lost memories, Anna believes she’s human. After a lifetime of forgetting who she was (after some psychotherapy she had as a small child that HELPED her forget who she was), nothing changed except her ability to recall her true identity, and yet she immediately stopped thinking of herself as human after regaining those lost memories.
>> 
>> Anna hadn’t recovered her grace. She was still the exact same metaphysically both before and after that scene with Pamela, except that afterward she no longer identified herself as a human:
>> 
>> **ANNA** : Thank you, Pamela. That helps a lot. I remember now.  
>  **SAM** : Remember what?  
>  **ANNA** : Who I am.  
>  **DEAN** : I’ll bite. Who are you?  
>  **ANNA** : I’m an angel.
>> 
>> Even without her grace, she identified WHO she was as an angel, even if that wasn’t WHAT she was at that moment, without her grace. Even after choosing to fall, tearing out that grace so she could experience humanity, this still shows her perceptions about herself– with or without the power pack installed– aren’t any different. She still fundamentally identifies as an angel. Even though she was physically and arguably metaphysically human at that moment.
>> 
>> A common misconception about s4 is that Cas somehow “stole Anna’s arc” or “replaced Anna” as Dean’s guardian angel, and I know I’ve already written multiple times how that’s just… patently not true on any level. But here we go again, for the sake of completeness and transparency.
>> 
>> Anna was introduced as an inverse mirror for Castiel. An angel who chose to fall, who was fascinated with humanity and lived Anna’s entire human life as a human, forgetting who she was, prompted to recall her original nature by Cas’s shout of DEAN WINCHESTER IS SAVED, and then being manipulated into restoring her grace. And even the restoration of that grace didn’t fundamentally change WHO SHE WAS. What it did allow was the return of her full angelic power. She didn’t lose her identity because of it, at least not until the very nature of that grace itself made it possible for her to be “reprogrammed” in Heaven. Only after she was captured and tortured and reprogrammed did she really lose her identity.
>> 
>> In later seasons, we see Cas go through almost the exact opposite progression. He retains his grace, his angelic nature, and yet becomes more and more human despite that. When he eventually does have his grace taken against his will and becomes fully human, he is still fundamentally the same individual. It’s only after being manipulated in Heaven that he’d lost control of his own identity. Even taking on the stolen grace of other angels did not change how he thought or behaved or felt. He was still Cas, but with a different set of cosmic batteries powering him up. Like he’d been a drained car battery that got a jump start from another angel.
>> 
>> Grace is not WHO Cas is. Though having grace versus not having grace might change WHAT he is.
>> 
>> And over the last several years, this has been Cas’s crisis of identity. EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of Anna’s arc in practically every way.
>> 
>> When Anna remembered everything, she had no crisis of identity. She had no doubts about WHO she was. Even before she took her grace back to reclaim WHAT she used to be. She never doubted that she was an angel or struggled to resolve her humanity with her identity  _as an angel_. And this is the fundamental difference between how she identified herself, and the struggle Cas has been facing. When asked if he’s an angel or a man, he just doesn’t have an answer for that yet.
>> 
>> Even with his grace restored, even after telling Sam and Dean that he feels that they’re his family, even after telling Kelvin flat-out that he doesn’t care about his reputation in Heaven and he’s entirely motivated by his relationship with the Winchesters, he’s still conflicted. It’s almost as if his grace is what’s actively preventing him from letting himself really, truly feel all of that.
>> 
>> **ANNA** : Perfect… Like a marble statue. Cold… no choice… only obedience.
>> 
>> And then how Anna refers to angelic disobedience:
>> 
>> **ANA** : I don’t know. Maybe I don’t deserve to be saved.  
>  **DEAN** : Don’t talk like that.  
>  **ANNA** : I disobeyed. Lucifer disobeyed. It’s our murder one, and I knew it. Maybe I got to pay.  
>  **DEAN** : Yeah, well, we’ve all done things we got to pay for.
>> 
>> Disobedience is “murder one” for angels. And what has Cas essentially embodied as an angel? Certainly not one for following the rules…
>> 
>> In s5 when he was cut off from Heaven and his powers faded, he wasn’t fundamentally different, aside from not having powers. In 6.19 when Eve cut off his powers, he was still the same. In s9 living entirely as a human, he was still Cas. With Theo’s stolen grace, and then Adina’s, he didn’t suddenly become a different “person.”
>> 
>> At the very end of the episode, after everything Dean learned about Anna, what motivated her desire to be human, and what’s now become of her now that she had been manipulated into taking her grace back on, we get one of the most painful truths about all of it:
>> 
>> **SAM** : So, I guess she’s some big-time angel now, huh? She must be happy… Wherever she is.  
>  **DEAN** : I doubt it.
>> 
>> She hadn’t wanted to lose WHAT she’d become (as a human). She really had no other choice. WHO she was, though… that never changed at all. Grace or not. The only thing she got back with her grace was her powers, and through them eventually the obligation, the duty, that Heaven could “reprogram” back into pure obedience and loss of self.
>> 
>> Dean had it right. Everything that had made her happy, she lost it when she had to retake her grace. If she’d had a choice, I don’t believe she ever would’ve reclaimed her grace. And it wouldn’t have altered her identity one iota.
> 
> Great discussion! One thing that always nags at me within the show’s and our discussions of angels and grace and humanity, is that there seems to be this assumption that without grace, angels become more human. I’m not saying this is wrong, as I too discuss human!cas and things like that. But somehow I can’t help but feel as though when angels lose their grace they aren’t human. I feel as though this may just be a semantic issue (and good chuck do i hate getting dragged down by semantics!), but perhaps people do think that angels sans grace = human. It’s just really interesting what you said about Cas without his powers was simply that, Cas - an angel - without his powers. So to pick up on that, is Anna or Cas without their grace really human? (which i find such an interesting question!)
> 
> One way to think about this would be to hypothesise if an angel without grace is a human, then a human is an angel without grace - and to me that just doesn’t really make sense. 
> 
> When I read things about human!Cas, and when I think about it, I always think of it as though Cas is human-like. Because Cas has memories spanning thousands of years, he can remember what it was like to be a fully fledged angel, and so his mind is still more like an angel’s than a human’s. 
> 
> I suppose we are going into the metaphysics of what makes a human a human, whether it is the mind or the body or both….. but trying to steer clear of that worm hole, we can all agree that a human can’t remember a life spanning thousands of years. So if Cas becomes mortal and remembers his life as an angel, then surely he wouldn’t be a human, and he wouldn’t be a fully powered angel. He would still be angel-like (in the mind), and human-like (in the body).
> 
> This isn’t a critique of your post, but more just me rambling about this metaphysical (or perhaps semantic) question about whether angels without grace really are human? Is being an angel solely defined by grace? Is being a human solely defined by having a soul - for i wouldn’t say that soulless Sam wasn’t human, but rather a human sans a soul. So if I think of Cas without grace, or Anna without grace, arent they angels without grace, not completely different beings? Or does this question get muddied by the fact that they are possessing people…. but then their minds are still angel memoried minds (even if they’ve forgotten the memories in Anna’s case).
> 
> So yes,  _who_  Anna is doesn’t change, and  _what_ she is changes. But I don’t know for sure how much I would agree with her going from human to angel. Rather I think any graceless angel would go from being an angel without grace, to an angel with grace, but the fact that they were an angel (for me personally to some extent) makes it impossible for them to turn fully into a human. Whilst Cas’s and Anna’s nearing towards humanity is very important and it is easy to call them human!cas or human!anna for brevity’s sake, I just don’t know if I fully agree with the language of those discussions? 

I think you may be missing out on a rather vast body of dialogue on this subject that’s linked to how I’m using all these terms. (see for reference: the hundreds of posts I mentioned at the top of this post). I’ll do my best to address your specific questions point by point here, as the show has never really deviated from how it deals with angel grace, human souls, etc.

The specific way in which Anna fell (cutting out her grace  _and being born as a human_ ) has left me with the assumption that at the very least, in her specific case, for all intents and purposes  _yes she was human_. She identified as a human throughout her entire life up until the point she had her hypnosis-induced memory recovery of everything she’d suppressed (through psychiatric therapy) as a child. She’d  _had_  vague memories of her life before falling, of being an angel, but  _as a human child being raised by human parents_  she had no point of reference for properly accessing and understanding those memories. So her parents had her put through therapy to “reprogram” her to forget… (sound familiar?)

I… honestly don’t think simply being able to  _remember_  having been an angel, or having memories from being non-human, has anything to do with WHO or WHAT Anna believed she was.

I mean, does the fact that Dean remember things he did while he’d been a vampire mean that Dean’s no longer really human? Is he permanently in some other category because of those memories? Or what about how both Sam and Dean recall being literally dead. Does this make them not really alive anymore, because they have those memories of being dead and in heaven?

I mean, that’s patently ridiculous.

Maybe I’ve ascribed too much agency to fictional characters, but in my post above, when I talked about WHO someone self-identified as,  _this is exactly what I meant_. To me, there is zero confusion here. It’s not a matter of semantics at all.

Anna  _self-identified_ as an angel, therefore she was an angel, even without her grace. It’s how she saw HERSELF. It’s the label  _she chose for herself_. And she literally did not want her grace back, and yet STILL self-identified as an angel, even while occupying her very own human body that she’d been born into, as a human.

Cas, on the other hand,  _has been unable to answer that question about himself_. He’s danced around it. For YEARS.

Sure, there’s that one time he said “I just want to be an angel,”  But in context, that was a highly loaded statement. Hannah had offered him her loyalty, suggested that he LEAD all the angels, to essentially “act as their ruler.” And Cas didn’t want that… he didn’t want to be their LEADER, he just wanted to be an angel. Which also, we understand was a state (possessing his grace) in which he wouldn’t have to feel the horror of what he believed at that time in 9.23 was Dean’s permanent death at Metatron’s hands. I mean, that one statement from him carried an awful lot of subtextual weight, and like 0% of it actually had to do with his self-identity. It was about the ERASURE of self more than anything.

And yes, his grief at Dean’s death there IS HIGHLY RELEVANT to Cas’s state of mind in making that statement, because even 18 episodes later, that’s the SOLE reason Cas gives Metatron for his refusal to befriend him:

 **METATRON** : What? I thought we were having a moment. Can’t we be besties?  
 **CASTIEL** : No. Because you killed my friend.  
 **METATRON** : Oh pfhht. Dean is fine, mostly. Can’t you get past that?  
 **CASTIEL** : Never

So really, I think all of this needs to be taken into consideration here in Cas’s motivations and self-perception.

So moving on from that,  _if asked right now, how would Cas answer that question for himself?_  Are you an angel or a man? I mean, the show has been telling us since s4 that Cas HIMSELF had doubts, that he wasn’t sure where even his loyalties lay… We saw him manipulated BECAUSE OF HIS GRACE in 4.20 into betraying humanity, essentially. We’ve seen him tortured and mind-controlled VIA HIS GRACE by angels and Eve and Crowley and Lucifer and… I mean… NOTHING in the narrative has pointed Cas toward anything remotely resembling a happy feeling toward his grace… aside from the fact that it’s  _useful_. Which I find the most gut-wrenchingly disgusting and disturbing part of all of this. Cas deserves better than to think of himself as nothing more than fucking  _useful_. As 11.10 Cas how he feels about being fucking  _useful._

_gah._

Metatron implied in 8.23 that without his grace, Cas would have a human soul and when he died he’d go to heaven like human souls do (unless they’re destined for Hell, but whatever… That’s irrelevant for the purposes of this discussion). He wanted Cas to come find him and tell him his story, about what it was like to live out his life as a human.

To suggest that Cas was anything  _less_  than human there is just… irrational and baseless.

I think assuming that this is just a matter of semantics is ignoring the fact that Cas himself  _self-identified as a human_  while he had no grace. And he did the same when his grace failed after 5.18. In his phone conversation with Dean in 5.21.

And heck, even in the episode I typically refuse to engage with for meta purposes, 5.04 had him identifying as a human, as well.

None of this has anything to do with their memories, but their understanding of themselves. It has nothing to do with their vessels either.

(side note to say that insisting Anna is an angel merely because of her memories, or that Cas can’t be truly human because of his memories of being an angel is like insisting a self-identified bisexual person can’t be bisexual because they have never been intimate with a partner of a certain gender… that they must simply be confused)

And that’s the essential DIFFERENCE between Anna and Cas. Anna never faltered in her identity (once her illusion of her human life shattered). I think that even if she hadn’t taken her grace back, if she’d just been able to steal it back and wear it around her neck like Uriel had been, I think she ALWAYS would’ve identified  _as an angel_. Even with a human soul that she’d been born with. It’s how she saw herself, and how she chose to think of herself.

Cas… is undecided. With or without his grace, with or without that power, he really hasn’t come to an understanding of who and what he is, or wants to be.

In 9.01 Dean and Cas both talked about Cas being HUMAN now. In 9.03 Sam referred to Cas as being HUMAN. When another angel injures Cas’s shoulder, the angel marvels, “You’re human?!” April the reaper calls Cas human. I think if anyone would know that sort of thing, it would be a reaper. Their whole job is reaping human souls, after all. It’s in the job description that they be able to identify one. Cas explains that he’s human because Metatron stole his grace for the angel fall spell. There is absolutely zero ambiguity here.

And if bucklemming canon isn’t good enough for you, just watch 9.06. Just the THEN segment alone is all about the fact that Cas IS HUMAN now. AND HE ACCEPTS AND IDENTIFIES AS A HUMAN. He’s made peace with what happened to him. The entire episode is about Cas and his humanity. Unfortunately it doesn’t last, because he’s lassoed by the narrative into stealing another angel’s grace… 

I think what  _technically_ makes a human human on Supernatural is the possession of a soul. And I’ve written reams of meta on what differentiates a human’s soul from an angel’s grace. (hint: it’s really not all that different at all… just that a human soul is more like a 200 watt incandescent bulb that’s set to burn out fairly quickly, but an angel’s grace is more like a laser beam that can glow on and on and on but isn’t really all that… flexible in its application. They’re both powered by the same sort of stuff and both generate light and heat and whatever… this is a terrible metaphor… but they’re essentially the same at their core. Hence why Cas could lose his grace and not lose his memory or his personality, or take on another angel’s grace and not become THAT angel, and Anna’s consciousness could fall separate from her grace and yet she still retains everything about being an angel  _aside from the power pack_ , and be in every other way entirely  _human_ … That “consciousness” is the same as what a human “soul” has been shown to be on SPN. And I think it was made even MORE clear that angel grace and human souls are essentially the same stuff in 12.10. Lily Sunder burned up bits of her own soul the way an angel uses grace, but unlike that constant low-level stream of power, a human soul is a finite bit of whatever the angel grace power pack includes. Just like Metatron was still able to work angelic magic in 10.18, despite not having his grace. It had to be powered by SOMETHING, and Lily Sunder showed us the proof– whatever makes a human soul  _can_ power angelic magic. Logic dictates the reason for that is that some part of an angel where their consciousness resides  _is identical to a human soul._

Maybe I’m making too big of an assumption here, but nothing in canon contradicts this reading. So until proven otherwise, it’s what I’m going with.)

If anywhere in my original post I gave you the impression that Cas without his powers, without his grace, was still an angel, either I royally fucked up typing, or we have a fundamental difference of understanding about who and what Cas is. Nowhere in that post did I say Cas without his powers was still an angel. I didn’t intend to imply that either. I did say “Cas without his powers was still Cas,” meaning his consciousness was still the same “personality” and had the same feelings and memories. Meaning his IDENTITY was unchanged. It didn’t alter his PERSONALITY to remove his grace. Meaning that the grace  _is literally nothing more than a power pack that has zero to do with identity_. I never said that Cas actually identified as an angel. You’re conflating two wildly different concepts here, and I think that’s where you ran afoul of semantics. :P

If you’re still confused about this, maybe take a stroll through the tags I’m putting on this post again. Because like I said, there’s an awful lot there that may clarify at least how I’m using these terms in very specific ways.

Sorry this sort of went on and on… but I thought this was all basic meta stuff that the show has literally been pounding on at us about since s4. None of this is some sort of novel evaluation of any of these topics. I just saw 4.10 again today for the umpty-dumpth time and I was STILL amazed at how consistently the show has dealt with these huge concepts with almost no variance from established understanding since that day onward. It’s the very LACK of ambiguity that I was attempting to marvel at with my original post.

[castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [anna milton](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/anna-milton) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls) [on the nature of angel grace](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/on-the-nature-of-angel-grace) [are you an angel or a man castiel? (hint: he's no angel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/are-you-an-angel-or-a-man-castiel%3F-%28hint%3A-he%27s-no-angel%29)


	4. Chapter 4

[Feb 11, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/139135099895/the-walking-funny-analyses-were-amusing-but-i)

20 notes

**Anonymous asked: The "walking funny" analyses were amusing, but I didn't read into that scene. Then my brain goes, "Hm, that hickey's at a weird angle if it came from in front." I still don't think that scene meant more, but throwing that into the fray lol**

HAH I thought the same thing. Like, I found myself tilting my head trying to figure out what weird angle I’d have to achieve in order to leave a vertical hickey like that. But FROM BEHIND? YEAH THAT’S THE RIGHT ANGLE. Oh my god. *wraps additional layer of protective tinfoil around my head*

I know I’m in the minority here, but I still saw his stiff posture as more evidence of nothing involving sexytimes, and more likely maybe getting a little hot and heavy with someone in a bar before passing out in an uncomfortable position, like in an uncomfortable chair or passed out on a pool table. Without them showing us Dean explicitly in bed with another human being, I’m taking all his claims of hooking up with anyone as “performing dean” because that’s what Sam expects him to do.

What we learned at the end of the episode, though, was that Sam had been seeing through Performing Dean’s mask for a long time. And in a way, Sam’s also been performing his own expected reaction to Dean’s braggadocio.

Because when Dean  _changed the script_  when he returned to the hotel room after telling Sam that he was going out to pick someone up, HE ACTUALLY TOLD THE TRUTH. HE TOLD SAM THAT NO, HE DIDN’T HOOK UP WITH ANYONE. He just came back with some food.

And then at the end of the episode, when Dean finally came clean about his issues with Amara, Sam was neither surprised nor outraged. And that surprised Dean. Dean had been trying to hide all of this, and had been performing the mask that everything was fine and Sam was wrong about Dean being targeted by the banshee because he was “vulnerable,” etc. Sam’s known there was something “off” about Dean for weeks now, and he’s just been waiting for Dean to come clean, take of the mask, and confide in him.

And I know that about 90% of what I just wrote doesn’t have anything to do with the hickey, or Dean’s funny walking, but really at the end of the day, it kind of does.

[spn 11.13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.13) [spn s11 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-spoilers) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [sam might not always recognize dean's performances but every once in a while he sees it pretty clearly](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-might-not-always-recognize-dean%27s-performances-but-every-once-in-a-while-he-sees-it-pretty-clearly) [and he also knows dean well enough to know that pestering him for the truth will just shut dean down](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-he-also-knows-dean-well-enough-to-know-that-pestering-him-for-the-truth-will-just-shut-dean-down) [what was the question again? sorry i think this got away from me](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/what-was-the-question-again%3F-sorry-i-think-this-got-away-from-me) [Anon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anon)

 

[May 27, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145031871450/i-think-the-way-dean-has-expressed-his-love-for)

112 notes

**Anonymous asked: I think the way Dean has expressed his love for cas so far speaks so much to his dysfunction on these matters, and it's so sad:-( Dean loves so deeply. But imagine having so many horrible things happen to you that you don't know how to maintain connections or even name your feelings properly, much less express them. Plus, imagine growing up like Dean did with a father like John, and during the 80s. The AIDS epidemic. The homophobia. Dean must've been clueless and terrified. And still is.**

Yeah, he’s been performing The Dean Show for a really long time, but they’ve also been knocking holes in that mask for the last few seasons. He wore shorts! He likes cake too! He unapologetically loves chick flicks! He ~grumble grumble~triplets ~flickr albums~ with Crowley! Taylor Swift! What’s it like settling down with another hunter? Overcoming mind control to yell out for Cas! (no really that was the most over the top tropey-ridiculous nonsense i have ever witness with my own two eyes)

He’s not about the love… and love, YET HE FILLED HIS HEART WITH THE POWER OF 100,000 SOULS AND SAVED THE UNIVERSE WITH A SPEECH ABOUT LOVE.

He’s like, at least half way there. :D

[oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [spn 11.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.23) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [the curtain's coming down on performing dean let's give him a round of applause](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-curtain%27s-coming-down-on-performing-dean-let%27s-give-him-a-round-of-applause) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[May 29, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145112345390/messier51-replied-to-your-post-heres-my-thing)

7 notes

[messier51](http://messier51.tumblr.com/) replied to your post [“Here’s my thing about Drowley: I agree with most ppl, that it was more…”](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145108200265/heres-my-thing-about-drowley-i-agree-with-most)

> Chuck did just tell Lucifer like, two episodes ago, that the mark only just exacerbates what’s already there. That can be extrapolated in a “not giving Dean a choice about his actions” way, but it also means that those aren’t “not-Dean-ish” things to do. I think that, like when drunk, he just didn’t have the want/ability to stop and think “no maybe I won’t act on this right now.”

Exactly. Being a demon (like forcing himself to resist the influence of the mark) lowered his inhibitions and unmasked a lot of stuff about himself that he’d never have been comfortable with before. It’s not that he was being forced to do these things under the Mark or as a demon, it’s that nothing was stopping him from doing them. Now that he’s been restored to himself, he can examine his motivations for the things he’s done, the experiences he sought out when they had no emotional consequences for him, and maybe stop being embarrassed about them and start trying to figure out  _why._

 

[Sep 12, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150315530650/thoughts-on-dean-toxic-masculinity-ive-been)

425 notes

**Anonymous asked: Thoughts on Dean & toxic masculinity? I've been thinking about that for a while now and would like someone else's opinion on it :)**

Even going back to the pilot, he seemed to be aware of the stereotypes he used to present himself to the world, and wasn’t bothered about twisting them around to use against other male authority figures (presumably because he understood THEIR acceptance of that toxic masculinity, while also showing Dean’s deeper understanding of it).

You got anything that’s real? The cop asked, and Dean replied, grinning, “My boobs.”

and the oft quoted:

> [aphony-cree](http://aphony-cree.tumblr.com/post/150086004394/thoughts-on-dean-toxic-masculinity-ive-been):
>
>> I think the character Dean has always shone a light on toxic masculinity. On the surface he’s the standard action hero archetype: drives a cool car, sleeps with lots of women, has a cocky and self-assured attitude. This is how he was presented in the pilot episode but one thing Kripke always said about Supernatural is that they like to slowly reveal who a character really is. As the show went on we started to see that Dean doesn’t fit the action hero archetype at all. 
>> 
>> He loves his car for sentimental reasons, not because he wants a car that will make him look cool. Sure, he likes cool cars, but that’s not why he’s been driving Baby for his entire adult life. He sleeps with lots of women because he enjoys sex but feels he’s not allowed to have relationships, not because he has a “love ‘em and leave ‘em” “women are another notch on my bedpost” attitude. He respects women and accepts rejection instead of acting like it’s a challenge to overcome. He looks for partners who are also looking for a casual fling, which is very different from the action hero trope of a seducer who leaves a trail of broken hearts. He’s repeatedly expressed displeasure with only having casual flings but also feels it wouldn’t be fair to the other person if he tried to have a relationship while living the hunting life. Action heroes are usually portrayed as playboys who love sleeping around and if he does fall in love the woman is expected to fit herself into his action packed life so he can have everything he wants. As for the cocky and self-assured attitude, we’ve seen many times that he uses it to hide his self-worth issues. 
>> 
>> When Dean was growing up hyper-masculinity was very prevalent, everywhere you looked people were laying down rules about how to be a “real man” and making fun of men who didn’t conform to them. This had a serious effect on Dean. He worked hard to present himself as a man’s man, partly because he thought it would earn his father’s respect. He spoke disparagingly about chick flicks, got defensive at the idea of talking about his feelings, and made fun of Sam when he didn’t comply to the rules of masculinity. But at the same time he was finding ways to let himself enjoy chick flicks (Swayze always gets a pass), supporting Sam when he wanted to talk about his emotions, and allowing himself to break the rules of masculinity as long as he put up a token resistance (in  _10.06_  he said men don’t drink out of cups that small before enjoying the coffee). Dean’s a great example of someone who’s indoctrinated into hyper-masculinity but is torn between complying with it and fighting against it. 
> 
> Policeman: I’m not sure you realize just how much trouble you’re in here.  
> Dean: We talkin’ like, misdemeanor kind of trouble, or uh, ‘squeal like a pig’ trouble?

Well, “squeal like a pig” trouble, from Deliverance, would imply the cop sexually assaulting Dean, so Dean understands that he’s in no actual danger of being raped by this dude, but he’s implying that maybe the authority figure that currently has him cuffed to a table was into that sort of thing, because Dean knows how someone with machismo poisoning would react to that sort of implication.

The fact that Dean has been using this device as a weapon since the pilot shows me that he has a far greater understanding of it that just acceptance at face value. He’s had to think about these things throughout his life, he’s honed it into a weapon, and isn’t the least bit shy in flipping the blade around and pointing it outward.

 

 

[Oct 13, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/151778049495/it-nothing-right-now-as-theres-a-lot-going-on)

26 notes

**Anonymous asked: It nothing right now, as there's a lot going on even in this first ep, but i don't know that Mary's thoughts about Dean and Cas are anything pertaining to destiel? I know Mary as a shipper is already super popular. But like, Mary has a LOT to process in general, but also just in those few moments. First off, angels do exist, there's one right here, Dean is friends with him, what the actual f*ck is going on?? Like i don't think "well, my son is gay" has even entered the realm of her thoughts.**

No I’m pretty sure it hasn’t entered the realm of Mary’s thoughts.

BUT DEAN IS SUPER SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT STUFF LIKE THIS IN GENERAL, AND LIKELY IN PARTICULAR ABOUT BEING TOUCHY-FEELY WITH A DUDE-SHAPED PERSON IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER WHO’S BEEN DEAD FOR 33 YEARS AND WAS RAISED AS A HUNTER BY SUPER-TOLERANT AND LIBERAL SAMUEL CAMPBELL.

So no, I don’t think there was any shipper Mary thoughts going on there, but there was HELLA bi!Dean antsiness about his Performance of Masculinity Mask slipping…

 

 

[Nov 4, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152750395490/regarding-your-this-is-not-a-flirty-face)

28 notes

**Anonymous asked: regarding your "this is not a flirty face"... yeah. i think Repressed dean would have totally done something like "oh well i just came to see you ;)" or something similar (im bad w pickup lines) and im also thinking abt how he hasn't truly tried to hook up w anyone since 10x17 i believe. however! i feel like if no progress is made w his sexuality next week w aaron, then it doesn't rly mean too much... thoughts? (this is kind of a 2 part question)**

> (flirty dean anon) OOH also do you think that dean saying “nothing” when sam asked about the text continues this lying theme for the scene??

Hi there! I hope it’s okay, but I brought your other question down into this post, too. Why go for a two parter when you can go for a three parter? :D

Yeah, about Dean’s “not a flirty face” when Beth finally asked why Dean had stopped back in to see her late at night…

There’s been [meta already written](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152731832640/hang-on-a-tick) on the subject at [some great length](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152717541505/hang-on-a-tick). (there’s more, but that’s a good start).

We know that Dean’s adept at flirting his way out of tight spots, but I think it also highlights just how off his game he was even going in there. He was absolutely convinced he was right, that Beth was a witch responsible for the murders. His personal bias against “wiccans” and witches in general due to a long history of past experiences with them combined with his theoretically long history of dodging the CPS in general and Beth’s painfully personally relevant comments about splitting up families for their own good blinded him to just how wrong his judgement was. He was projecting his own feelings hard there, and it took her honesty with him to shake him enough to see the truth about it.

He wasn’t flirting there, he was  _floundering_. That scene was far less about Beth than it was about Dean himself.

My guess, he blurted something about “checking in with her to make sure she was doing okay,” or “following up to make sure there was no new information about any of Olivia’s cases they might need,” or even a random, “well, I wanted to thank you again for all your help.” My guess is he could’ve even come out with some nonsense, “Well, I guess it wasn’t important. You have a good… random citizen… *bumps into a table backing out the door* okay then…”

Because just like that scene from 8.13 with Aaron, Dean was hit with something entirely unexpected. Not in a bad way, but just… enough to knock him off balance for a minute.

So really, even though we weren’t shown the rest of that scene and how he responded to Beth, nor were we shown what he actually talked about with her when she pulled him aside the next day, I think Dean was awkward enough there for us to at least postulate this as an accurate depiction of what happened.

We don’t know if Beth actually gave Dean her personal number (though I wouldn’t be surprised if she had, I mean I’D give Dean my personal number…), or what else they talked about, we only know what Dean told Sam they talked about. But the fact that Dean didn’t share his text conversation with Mary is telling, too.

He’d been regretting his initial text to her and his subsequent anxiety when she didn’t reply right away. He berated himself for being a “13-year-old girl” about it. Just like he knocked on Sam’s attempts to get him to open up in a “Dr. Phil moment” later in the episode. He might love chick flicks but he’s still not comfortable with being in the starring role in one all the time…

As much progress as he’s made with expressing his feelings, I can’t really imagine Dean saying to Sam, “Heard from Mom, and she sends her love.” And I  _really_  can’t see him showing Sam the text messages directly, because that would mean Sam would see the message he’d sent to Mary, too. Right now I think it’s just easier for him to learn to accept this on his own. Sam’s struggling with her leaving in a very different way than he is, and if he thinks Sam needs to hear that reminder that Mary loves them, Dean will tell him about it. Until then, he’s gonna keep it to himself for now.

 

[Nov 18, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153331394200/so-we-were-all-thrilled-in-1123-when-dean)

136 notes

So we were all thrilled in 11.23 when Dean admitted he loved chick flicks. So why was he all ~weird~ about it with Jody in 12.06? Well, he wasn’t marching off to his likely death while sitting on Jody’s couch eating pizza there…

But also, in context, he wasn’t dismissing chick flicks, he was re-evaluating his opinion of Jody.

> Dean: (genuinely surprised indigence) Wait, are you a romcom chick?  
> Jody: (smirky mocking) Are you?

I think Dean was genuinely surprised that someone as badass as Jody could like a romcom. A chick flick. And in some small way, I think he was reevaluating her, and himself. Because we know he DOES like chick flicks, despite all outward protestations of that fact.

But then Sam had to go one step further, “outing” Dean  _doubly_ , by saying that he was more of a Japanese erotic anime chick or whatever he said. Then made it a joke, telling Dean to “be proud of his hobbies.” 

Jody’s reaction to Dean’s question said it all, though. She just turned it right back around on him. Jody “I’ll order you a bumper sticker that says  _As long as everyone wears a condom, we’ll be fine”_ Mills. Yeah, she’s got Dean pegged. Oh my god no pun intended… >.>

But really, this was Dean discovering that it’s okay to be a badass hunter  _and_  like chick flicks in a relatively safe setting, in front of Jody, who he trusts and respects. He may not have said it out loud because everyone was distracted by learning of Asa’s death, but all around I don’t see this as any sort of regression for Dean.

I was distressed with his “always end bloody” speech, but also, in context at the funeral of another hunter who died hunting, surrounded by other hunters telling their “fish stories” and putting him on the spot to tell his own stories (oh gosh that look he got on his face when Bucky asked him to talk was owie), that also seemed like he was “escaping” to Asa’s office to sort of hide away from all the other hunter backslapping and drinking games and glorification of it all. It seemed like some sort of, for lack of a better term, graveside bravado, you know? And I think that’s why Sam tried to call him out on it, and had that miserable look on his face there.

It’s all baby steps emotionally here, but I think overall we’re walking away with a net gain.

 

[spn 12.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.06) [spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [sam fucking winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-fucking-winchester) [winchester family dynamics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/winchester-family-dynamics) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [he's still holding on to that mask but he's definitely not got it glued to his face anymore](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/he%27s-still-holding-on-to-that-mask-but-he%27s-definitely-not-got-it-glued-to-his-face-anymore) [breaking it out at a funeral surrounded by a bunch of veritable strangers and hunters was probably to be expected though](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/breaking-it-out-at-a-funeral-surrounded-by-a-bunch-of-veritable-strangers-and-hunters-was-probably-to-be-expected-though) [and the whole 'die bloody' thing is part of that performing dean mask](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-whole-%27die-bloody%27-thing-is-part-of-that-performing-dean-mask) [i'm gonna go watch the episode again in a few here and my opinions may change but right now i'm sticking with this](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27m-gonna-go-watch-the-episode-again-in-a-few-here-and-my-opinions-may-change-but-right-now-i%27m-sticking-with-this)

 

 

[Dec 4, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/154017748390/f-ckyeahfutbol-purplesummer91-funnycas)

4,689 notes

[f-ckyeahfutbol](https://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/154016033351/purplesummer91-funnycas-mittensmorgul):

> [purplesummer91](http://purplesummer91.tumblr.com/post/154007649501/funnycas-mittensmorgul):
>
>> [funnycas](http://funnycas.tumblr.com/post/153999426790/mittensmorgul-postmodernmulticoloredcloak):
>>
>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153997088895/postmodernmulticoloredcloak-f-ckyeahfutbol):
>>>
>>>> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/153983117637/f-ckyeahfutbol-bisexual-dean-winchester):
>>>>
>>>>> [f-ckyeahfutbol](https://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/153982316731/bisexual-dean-winchester-f-ckyeahfutbol):
>>>>>
>>>>>> [bisexual-dean-winchester](http://bisexual-dean-winchester.tumblr.com/post/153980708680/f-ckyeahfutbol-aslightsgoflashing):
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> [f-ckyeahfutbol](https://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/153980597346/aslightsgoflashing-f-ckyeahfutbol-so-let-me):
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> [aslightsgoflashing](http://aslightsgoflashing.tumblr.com/post/153979403551/f-ckyeahfutbol-so-let-me-get-this-straight):
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> [f-ckyeahfutbol](https://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/153979297131/so-let-me-get-this-straight-dean-complains-about):
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> So, let me get this straight:
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> Dean complains about Los Angeles, his first and main objection being guys in skinny jeans that wear sun glasses inside.
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> Castiel tells Dean that he looks like a lumberjack.
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> Dean works the case in a leather coat and skinny jeans wearing sun glasses inside in an outfit we have  _never_  seen him in before.
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> I see what’s going on.
>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>> _**That motherfucker knew he looked good too.** _
>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>> The thing is, he looked so  _comfortable_  in the outfit.
>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>> _but he said he hated that men in LA wore skinny jeans and sunglasses_
>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>> _he must hate it_
>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>> _because he **said**_
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Someone just tried the “But he  _had_  to do it for the job“ argument, and like. Motherfucker, he didn’t  _have_  to do it, he  _chose_  to do it even when it clearly didn’t work on their target. And he also  _continued wearing that shit_  long after they had been ditched by Vince’s agent. 
>>>>> 
>>>>> bu **t h** _ **e s** aid th_at he di _dn’t l **ike it**_
>>>>> 
>>>>>   
> 
>>>> 
>>>> Dean “says one thing but clearly means the opposite based on his subsequent actions” Winchester. 
>>> 
>>> and oh boy
>>> 
>>> did he hated that water…
>>> 
>>> [Originally posted by dean-winchester-crush](https://tmblr.co/ZOUoxk2FNp9TE)
>>> 
>>>   
> or what?
>>> 
>>> [Originally posted by weallneedcastiel](https://tmblr.co/ZEJTdq2FMzIuU)
>> 
>> All of this.
>> 
>> Now, let’s pretend for a moment that this isn’t a tv show. If this moment was happening in real life, if one of my friends said they hate cucumber water, but later ended up drinking it, I would think, maybe they secretly like cucumber water, maybe they were just thirsty enough to overlook the fact that it was cucumber water and just drink the damn thing.
>> 
>> Except this isn’t real life, this is a TV show with a limited amount of time to tell a story each week. And there’s a very specific reason this little “Dean ends up doing everything he previously claimed to hate” subplot happened.
>> 
>> Also, even if this was real life, you know why I could not buy that Dean is just thirsty and ~forcing himself to drink cucumber water?
>> 
>> Look at the first gif: when Sam pours himself water, that’s precisely what’s in his glass: water. Just water.
>> 
>> By contrast, look at when Dean pours himself water. There’s a cucumber in his glass. There’s no way a cucumber could’ve made its way into that glass without someone putting it there. The someone who put it there is Dean. So he clearly likes cucumber water enough to want to add even a little bit more cucumber.
>> 
>> Conclusion: Dean likes cucumber even though he said he didn’t. Shockingly, Dean does sometimes like stuff he claims he doesn’t. SHOCKINGLY, Dean sometimes lies.
> 
> He had picked up the tongs and put that cucumber in his glass with his own two hands, bless his heart. He was embracing the life.

This is just like the shorts thing. And the chick flicks thing. And the germ thing. And that time Dean even flat-out SAID it:

I mean, what does the show have to do to prove this point?

[spn 12.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.07) [spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual)[and this is how the subtext has been repeatedly punching us in the face with these facts](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-this-is-how-the-subtext-has-been-repeatedly-punching-us-in-the-face-with-these-facts)

 

It’s more that we’re approaching the entirety of the text from a different angle. If the character of Dean Winchester is a tiny island in the middle of the ocean with a little palm tree and some rocks on it, the surface reading is literally what you can see cruising past in a boat. if that’s all you’re looking at, you’re missing the miles of mountain below the surface holding up that tiny patch of sand.

Coming at it from under the surface, you can see the entire mountain, including the dozens of bubbling volcanic vents just below the surface that are slowly building that tiny island into something much larger, where that island is SO CLOSE to breaking through and growing exponentially in size. There’s this HUGE plateau of stuff surrounding that little island (which itself is getting a little bigger every day) where you could casually stroll out a mile or two in every direction in knee deep water to examine the sand bars that crop up once in a while to search for interesting new life moving in, before reaching the edge of the just-under-the-surface mountain and plunging over the cliff into the deep.

(sorry for the weird ocean metaphor, I’ve still got salt water on the brain, but this was literally what I was thinking about last week when I was walking around a tiny sandbar island that was just forming at the edge of just such a continental shelf, and my geology and marine biology classes all flooded back to me at once…)

[*inserts gif of dean slamming his hand on the table and yelling THAT'S HOW WE DO*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Ainserts-gif-of-dean-slamming-his-hand-on-the-table-and-yelling-THAT%27S-HOW-WE-DO%2A)

 

[Dec 5, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/154097905210/any-thoughts-on-the-fact-that-they-decided-to-use)

17 notes

**Anonymous asked: Any thoughts on the fact that they decided to use a shot of a sign that said "hollywood bi" (is dean a hollywood bi?? am i grasping at straws???)**

Hi there! I’m sorry it took so long to get back to you, but I really wanted to see for myself what you meant before I tried to write meta on the subject. >.>

I assume you mean this shot from the first “Hollywood style” lead in montage (please pardon my usual classy screencapping technique of taking cell phone pics of my tv):

And if that’s the case, this has a very simple explanation. It doesn’t say “Hollywood BI” It means “Hollywood Boulevard.” It’s BL, not bi.

BUT!

It’s probably also Hollywood Bi, just because if they were only going for the Hollywood Boulevard meaning, they could’ve easily shown one of the very famous sights along Hollywood Boulevard that we would’ve recognized as quickly as the Beverly Hills sign, the big Hollywood sign up on the hill, etc. There’s even a few signs that clearly spell out “Blvd” rather that just “Bl,” though most LA streets called boulevards just abbreviate it “Bl.”

*brief aside to express my approval for all these streets being openly and proudly bi*

I mean those establishing shots were just so wonky and “not-Supernatural” that they essentially shocked us into paying close attention to what we were being shown. It was only on screen for a second, but gosh between the weird sitcom music, the SUPERBRIGHT COLORS, the flashy feel of the interludes in their entirety were pretty jarring, and I believe they were intentionally so.

From Dean’s complaining about LA (and subsequent easy adaptation into everything he proclaimed he hated), to Crowley failing to fit easily back into even the tiniest part of his empire (where even THAT connection was lost to him by the end of the episode), to even the establishing shot segments starting out bright and upbeat with the sitcom music to grittier and dark (featuring a shot of the Hard Rock Cafe and Dolby Theater lit up in neon lights and famous LA nightclubs like the Roxy and the Whiskey a Go Go, connecting their fictional Club Meteor to that nightlife).

All the things they showed in that first montage after Crowley put on his sunglasses and announced that he knew a guy that might be able to help them find Vince/Lucifer, served to establish that they were indeed in Los Angeles. The Hollywood sign, Santa Monica Pier and the sunny beach, the palm tree-lined streets, smoggy traffic complete with honking horns, the “Hollywood bi” sign, the Beverly Hills shield sign, and then finally the interior of the Death Siren record label offices. Which is weird, primarily because if we were being led to believe that Death Siren’s offices were in Beverly Hills, WHY SHOW US A HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD SIGN? Hollywood Boulevard doesn’t even run through Beverly Hills. They would’ve been closer to the mark sticking with the Santa Monica theme and using Santa Monica Boulevard… but that’s probably beside the point.

I don’t know how much weight to give these shots, because they’re likely just stock footage of LA that they cobbled together to give the strange out-of-sync feeling of “unreality” to the episode, but hey, they chose to put the Hollywood Bi sign in there three minutes before Dean goes on his anti-Hollywood rant.

*aside to comment AGAIN on the fact that Dean does like the yoga pants, but the only character in the whole episode we know for a fact does yoga is Russel Lemmons, who spent half the scene between the Hollywood Bi sign and Dean’s rant talking about how doing yoga has improved his life… just saying*

There were a lot of “Performing Dean” vs “Real Dean” references in the entire episode.

Dean played Words With Friends with Mary (and was pretty damn good at it until Mary came out with a stunning play). Dean’s WASTER and TWERKING was a “power word.” Mary built off that to make TWERKINGS, NAVEL, and SQUELCH, a “mega word.”

But Dean REALLY WAS playing against Mary, despite Sam’s initial disbelief, thinking that Dean was lying about who he was playing with. Then Sam was dubious that Dean was engaging in a “fair fight” because HE FIRMLY BELIEVED that Mary (who couldn’t even use a cell phone a month earlier and was completely out of touch with modern things in general) wouldn’t stand a chance playing against Dean, and is then surprised both that Dean was telling the truth about what he was doing, and that Mary’s kinda kicking his ass (again! she does that a lot right? :P). I don’t know why Sam would’ve doubted her skills at this game. I mean, Scrabble was a thing back in the 70′s and 80′s. I bet Mary kicked ass at that, too. This pleases me. :)

Dean said she “wasn’t ready for snapchat,” and Sam asks how she’s been lately (which makes us understand that Sam hasn’t been trying to stay in touch with her, and has been trying to honor her wish for time and space, while simultaneously showing us that Mary HAS been trying to reach out to Dean gradually– first through texting and now through a conversational app that also includes a game that they can learn to communicate about insignificant things while simultaneously having fun with each other. THIS IS ALL SO DISGUSTINGLY HEALTHY AND WELL ADJUSTED I COULD CRY). Snapchat also involves conversations involving a far more personal background app (i.e. the personal photographs the conversation overlays, rather than the far less personal game of scrabble). But they’re all communicating more and finding new (even when technologically outdated!) ways to keep those conversations going. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

We’ve talked about Dean’s disdain for skinny jeans and indoor sunglasses, followed by Dean wearing skinny jeans and indoor sunglasses already, but it’s never silly to include it again. :P

We’ve also beaten the cucumber water thing into the ground, but that’s another point for this list.

In the “pink panties” scene in Vince’s hotel room, Dean sat down playing guitar while everyone discussed the case so far. Dean said, in response to Lucifer reading up on famous rock stars, “Well, so what, Lucifer’s a dork? That’s good to know.” All the while poking around the pizza box, studying the guitar, and then picking it up and strumming away like… a dork. Acting out his own little “rock god fantasy.” Because as Dean said, “Who wouldn’t?” while grinning like A DORK and strumming his guitar. It took Cas finding An Actual Clue to wipe the smile off Dean’s face.

Even after all that fiddling with the guitar, Sam STILL wasn’t paying attention enough to BS his way through that scene with Vince’s manager lady. He excitedly told her he played “the keys,” and tried to insist that Dean played drums while Dean tried to simultaneously tell her he played guitar. Because really, Sam? REALLY? You haven’t picked up this aspect of Dean that wanted to learn guitar? OH RIGHT! I mean, what instrument does Dean mimic playing most often in front of Sam? DRUMS. Steering wheel drums, most precisely, while driving. THAT’S what Sam was probably referring to here, because that’s the Dean that HE’S seen. But the Dean that was sanitized for Sammy? The Dean whose story became the story that Sam never heard about until they wound up at Sonny’s in 9.07? That Dean wanted to play guitar and be in a band. And Sam STILL doesn’t know it. But he probably gets it (at least a little bit) now.

“Drums and guitar. I pretty much do it all.” *cheesy dean grin followed by probable eye rolling behind the dark glasses and a borderline sneer* (and I mean really, we’ve seen him do both, so for once he’s probably not lying)

He was not enjoying that particular part of being a musician. Sucking up to a talent agent who is obviously not interested in you at all really must suck, even when that was just their cover to get a meeting with her in the first place. As soon as those sunglasses come off, we see something much closer to Dean’s comfort zone.

Also, how weird is it that they’re technically staying at this hotel, but they never actually get a room? Every time we go back there, everyone’s always hanging out in the lobby with that weird artwork (panels depicting a beach scene of some sort? With people split into groups on different panels?) and the cucumber water cooler. There’s an empty luggage cart just shoved over behind the couch and random people (and fluffy cloud dogs– hi Kuma) are walking through periodically. It’s not exactly a private spot to talk about hunting down Lucifer, you know? 

*scrolls back up to read your original question and wonder what the hell happened yet again. why do I always turn a simple question into a ridiculously long answer? Sorry about that, but there was a ridiculously long answer lurking under that seemingly simple question*

There’s probably more Performing Dean vs Real Dean moments lurking in this episode, but I really need to watch it again to pick them out. Then again, I’m sure others have already meta’d on the subject (if we all haven’t been completely distracted fending off the willful misunderstandings of the “but vegetable water doesn’t make you bisexual” crowd).

 

 

[oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [i fudging love sheriff donna](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-fudging-love-sheriff-donna) [charlie bradbury defense league](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/charlie-bradbury-defense-league)

[Jan 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/155686642900/postmodernmulticoloredcloak)

172 notes

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/155671308822/elizabethrobertajones):

> [elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/155669957328/postmodernmulticoloredcloak-mittensmorgul):
>
>> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/155667246657/mittensmorgul-postmodernmulticoloredcloak):
>>
>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/155643669460/postmodernmulticoloredcloak-mittensmorgul-so):
>>>
>>>> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/155633949287/mittensmorgul-so-im-rewatching-302-why-do):
>>>>
>>>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/155632129170/so-im-rewatching-302-why-do-so-many-of-my):
>>>>>
>>>>>> So I’m rewatching 3.02…
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> (why do so many of my posts start out “So I’m rewatching…”? Never mind. I have a point, and it’s not this)
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> I’m thinking of all the supernatural things that Dean has dealt with in association to Lisa and Ben, and noticed that all of them involve loss of identity, wish fulfillment, and impossible fantasy.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 3.02: Changelings. Children replaced with monster impostors that murder their fathers and slowly drain the life from their mothers. There was something toxic hidden underneath all that pleasant, suburban, white picket fence normality.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 3.10: African Dream Root. Lisa appears in Dean’s drug-induced lucid dream. The majority of his time in the dream is spent confronting his demonic self and finally admitting to himself he doesn’t deserve to die, or to go to hell.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 5.17: After more than two years– plus more than 40 bonus years in Hell for Dean– he shows up on Lisa’s doorstep to essentially terrify the poor woman before going off to say yes to Michael. Talk about a loss of identity. The first time I saw this episode, I was like… wtf why is he bothering to warn Lisa about the apocalypse, and why would her safety be one of those conditions he’d insist on before saying yes? This one random woman and her kid? WHY?! But it makes a little bit of sense when fit into this pattern– namely wish fulfillment and impossible fantasy. Of all the people we’ve seen Dean hook up with, she was the one that came closest to having that apple pie life Dean had always thought he wanted, that was stolen from him when he was 4 years old. No wonder it occupied so much of his mental space, imagining that maybe it could’ve been his life, even if he never felt he deserved it. It was important for him to know that their lives would be spared even if his wasn’t.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 5.22: He goes to Lisa after losing or giving up everything he’s ever known for his entire life. Sam is in the cage, Cas flapped off back to Heaven, Dean walked away from Bobby and hunting in general, he puts Baby under a tarp in a garage, and does his best to forget.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.01: Djinn. Dean loses his grip on what’s real and what’s not. Everything about his life before suddenly intrudes on his ideal little domestic scene he’d built for himself. And Sam’s back, with a whole gaggle of relatives he’s never met before (well, aside from Samuel, who was supposed to be dead, too). There were a whole lotta layers of subterfuge going on that unfolded like the proverbial peeling onion throughout s6, from Soulless Sam to Samuel’s shady deal with Crowley, to Cas as Crowley’s silent partner.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.02: Shapeshifter. Infant edition. After the djinn incident, Dean and Lisa move. Essentially, Dean runs for it with her and Ben in tow. As if changing locations can separate the “normal” life he was building from the weight of his past. It doesn’t work. Basically, same problem different location (just like shapeshifters… different face, same monster). At the end of the episode, he removes himself from Lisa’s life, promising to come back when he can.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.03: Lisa doesn’t figure into his current life as anything more than an interrupted dream…
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.05: Vampire Dean. After he’s turned into a vampire, Dean returns to Lisa essentially to say goodbye. He intends to take his own life before he turns completely, but wanted to thank her one last time. It ends up going sideways, and he nearly loses control as he finally turns. His actions, unexplained to Lisa and Ben, end up burning his bridges with them.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.06: Truth curse. And ain’t that a kicker? After all the fantasy, what’s the final nail in the coffin of Dean’s dreams of hanging on to the slice of normality he had with Lisa and Ben is a TRUTH CURSE. He can’t maintain the facade under the harsh light of truth.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> But wait, there’s more!
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.14: Possessed dolls. POSSESSED DOLLS. I mean, does anything say “impossible fantasy, wish fulfillment, and loss of identity” as much as POSSESSED FREAKING DOLLS?! I don’t think so. Mid-case, Dean gets a series of calls from Ben, who essentially LIES to Dean about Lisa’s mental state, telling him she’s depressed and locked herself in her room. Dean runs to his aid, only to discover that Lisa was actually moving on from him, going on a date with someone else, and Ben was trying to “parent trap” them. It backfires spectacularly, obviously, but Lisa and Dean agree to call it quits, because she can’t stand the life he lives, and Dean doesn’t want Ben growing up to be just like him.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> And once more, basically to just rub salt in that wound, we have
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> 6.21: Demon possession leading to THE WORST THING. Lisa and Ben are kidnapped by Crowley’s minions, as hostages to get Sam and Dean to back off. Lisa’s possessed, and the demon delivers a few strategic blows against Dean before stabbing Lisa. At the hospital, Dean asks Cas to not only heal her, but to wipe all of Lisa and Ben’s memories of him. Loss of identity, taken to its most horrifying extreme. Dean still remembers everything, but now that’s all it will ever be, an impossible dream that he can never get back.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> But really, isn’t that the underlying story of his whole history with Lisa and Ben?
>>>>> 
>>>>> I am planning to write something - some day, whenever I start functioning again - about Dean’s self-awareness and this absolutely fits, Dean is aware of things and among these things there’s the fact that a life with Lisa and Ben (or Lisaandben, if we want, an entity of its own that represents a kind of existence more than the individual people their names connote, I believe in what Jensen said about Lisa) is not in the cards, it’s an impossible dream/wish/fantasy, and the only way to acquire that is to ignore his awareness, and that awareness is just inextricably tied to his identity, it’s self-awareness i.e. what he is, the only way to have that kind of life, to try to have it, is to put his identity aside.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I think life with Lisa and Ben has never been about them, and maybe it has never been about the apple pie life, either. Dean has been aware that a normal life is out of the cards for them and has always stated that he didn’t want  _normal_  - and while that kind of statements seem to fit in the lies Dean tells, I think there’s truth in that. Dean doesn’t seek normal because he’s aware that normal is not something he can’t have because of circumstances, but something he can’t have because of what he is structurally.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I think that maybe life with Lisa and Ben was about Dean’s identity and self-awareness all along. Not an attempt by Dean to change his identity, because Dean knows it’s not something he can do, but a break from his awareness. Not ignoring it, because it’s impossible, but putting it aside. I call Dean’s relationship with his self-awareness a glass wall (maybe I’ll find a better image at some point but for now it’s a glass wall), he puts his self-awareness and awareness of things in general (mostly what we could call… family-awareness) behind a wall because he needs it to survive, but it’s made of glass, he can’t avoid seeing it. He needs to put the awareness of the nature of John’s parenting behind the wall, some aspects of his identity behind the glass wall, the awareness of his relationship with normalcy behind the glass wall - it’s a survival technique, but it doesn’t take that awareness away from him. He’s aware but he keeps that aside, because he needs to.
>>>>> 
>>>>> Sometimes he takes a hammer and cracks the glass wall. I think the glass wall metaphor is fairly fitting because you can use a hammer metaphor with it and the hammer metaphor has been used by the show in Soul Survivor, which was all about this theme.
>>>>> 
>>>>> I have no idea if what I’ve just written makes sense or is understandable, I don’t have the brain functions to re-read and understand it. Basically Dean’s life is a collection of choices of what to do with his self-awareness, and most of the time the choice is on the option that hurts the most but also keeps him afloat, because that’s the tragedy of Dean Winchester. He knows everything but needs to act like he doesn’t, because otherwise he’d sink.
>>>>> 
>>>>> This is actually the theme I wanted to write about in the post for the round 2 of Lizzy’s meta scavenger hunt - the tragedy of Dean Winchester in the light of his self-awareness as seen through season premieres - but with whose brain am I going to write it lmao
>>>> 
>>>> I’d say you could borrow my brain to write it, but I’ve got a migraine coming on so that might not be a good idea… But I’ll try to help a little since I started this…
>>>> 
>>>> We talk about Performing Dean a lot, because of this act he puts on so much of the time. But yeah, he’s painfully aware of the mask, and which bits of it are transparent, or as you say walled up behind glass.
>>>> 
>>>> Some parts of that mask are built from those pieces of himself, rearranged at need, and woven together from other bits he’s picked up along the way.
>>>> 
>>>> Strangely enough, it reminds me of one of the first episodes that dealt directly with his relationship with “normalcy.”
>>>> 
>>>> (well, after the pilot… and the Woman in White’s refrain of “I can never go home.”)
>>>> 
>>>> We’ve already talked about that very first scene in 1.08, about the difference Dean and Sam’s attitudes toward the shady ways they make their money (or, at least how Dean makes their money, and I just spent OVER AN HOUR trying to find that post, but can’t seem to locate it.)
>>>> 
>>>> But then there’s this exchange as they’re looking around the whole suburban development:
>>>>
>>>>> **Dean:** Growin’ up in a place like this would freak me out.  
>  **Sam:**  Why?  
>  **Dean:**  Well, manicured lawns, ‘How was your day, honey?’ I’d blow my brains out.  
>  **Sam:**  There’s nothing wrong with ‘normal.’  
>  **Dean:** I’d take our family over normal any day.
>>>> 
>>>> Yet first chance he gets, he sneaks Baby into the garage of one of the vacant houses so he can try out the steam shower.
>>>>
>>>>> SAM We’re gonna squat in an empty house?  
> DEAN I wanna try the steam shower. Come on. (SAM doesn’t move.) Come on!  
> Reluctantly, SAM pulls the car into the garage, and DEAN closes it.
>>>> 
>>>> And just for the heck of it:
>>>>
>>>>> **Dean:**   _(to Sam)_  You were kind of like the blonde chick in  _The Munsters_.
>>>> 
>>>> Dean’s idea of “normal” is just different. I’d just like him to realize that he doesn’t need to keep it all so carefully partitioned off this way.
>>> 
>>> Yes the first season tackles the theme not so subtly XD
>>> 
>>> In the pilot it’s Dean who puts the ‘normal’ card on the table, when he’s like ‘so you want a normal apple pie life’ and Sam answers ‘not normal, safe’. It’s almost… like… Sam has never really considered things in the terms of ‘normal/abnormal’ while Dean has… mmm… wonder why this could be
>> 
>> Just for the sake of rounding out this post a bit, the posts [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg) wanted:
>> 
>> <http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/149649829198/spn-105>
>> 
>> <http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/149661748731/hazeldomain-elizabethrobertajones> (I only skim-read it on the way past to collect the other but it seems like there’s follow up thoughts there)
> 
> Oh yes, excellent. Sam’s attitude towards Dean in the earliest seasons is also a goldmine for thought. Here in my corner of the internet there isn’t much talk on Sam, but Sam’s journey in fascinating in the way he goes from thinking himself higher than Dean to thinking of himself as the lowest, and yet that (subconscious?) attitude of superiority in relation to Dean sometimes surfaces in the most recent seasons too. (Disclaimer: I love Sam please nobody attack me for these statements, his complexity is what makes him such a good character.)
> 
> May I add: even after 12 years, we are still here marveling at the richness of the characterization of these characters. Say whatever you want about this show, but it’s good at what it does.

Oh gosh, yeah. This was actually a big deal in early s11.. the whole possum/point of interest series of misunderstandings:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133354192060/oh-my-gosh-this-is-going-to-sound-a-little> (linked below as *1)

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133558585770/elizabethrobertajones-porcupine-girl>

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133344514030/1-in-light-of-the-possum-thing-and-the-poi> (linked below as *2)

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133612832605/more-thoughts-on-thinking-and-fear> (linked below as *3)

(and I’m only linking those things here for my own reference purposes because I suck at finding things again…)

 

*1

Nov 16, 2015

11 notes

Oh my gosh this is going to sound a little self-indulgent, but that’s kind of the point, so here goes. Since I replied to [that ask about the possum/poi thing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133344514030/1-in-light-of-the-possum-thing-and-the-poi), I’ve been thinking about… thinking. It doesn’t really get much more self-indulgent than navel gazing about navel gazing.

But then it occurred to me exactly when I started thinking about all of this. I’ve always associated with Dean. I have the same sort of mindset, looking at the big picture and having it suddenly come together in my head. Everything I said in that post about Dean and his thought processes applies to me, personally, too. I think that’s just one more reason I often found myself at odds with Sam, and “siding with Dean” when the brothers were conflicted on the show.

But since I’ve started writing the sequel to Revenge of the Subtext, entirely from Sam’s point of view, and  _specifically doing for Sam what RotS did for Dean and Cas_ (at least in terms of helping them forgive themselves and each other, and accept themselves as the wonderful and inspiring individuals we know and love as fans), I’ve really struggled to understand how to do that for Sam. He’s just so fundamentally different from Dean, and it’s been enlightening to have to think from his perspective. I think it’s why I’m struggling so much to write this story (and I’ve got over 32k, and nine chapters so far, but it’s been like pulling teeth for me).

It’s not because I don’t love Sam, because I absolutely do. I adore him completely. I just can’t fall into his personality like I can with Dean, or even Cas. I have to force myself there, and force myself to think in that cramped linear fashion. It’s exhausting, but I hope in the end it’ll all be worth it.

Okay, okay. If anyone actually read all of this, have a cookie. You deserve it. <3

 

Nov 16, 2015

76 notes

**[andimeantittosting](http://andimeantittosting.tumblr.com/) asked: (1) In light of the possum thing and the POI thing, I've been mulling over a thought I have sometimes, which is that much as Dean believes he is dumb, Sam has internalized the narrative that he is the smart one. I know he called Dean a genius that one time, and I think when he thinks about it, he knows that, but there are also little digs like these going all the way back to the Walkman EMF reader. I hope it doesn't come across as me hating on Sam, I just think this is a role he's been placed in**

> (2) his whole life, including by Dean, and it’s easy (and flattering) to fall back into that pattern of belief when he’s not thinking about it. I also wonder what any of this means as far as his conviction that God is talking to him. I’d love to know what you think of any of this. 

YAY! Another reason to talk about my weird tags and [@elizabethrobertajones](http://tmblr.co/mgG_5cqPDBqPGN1DslU_e6Q) awesome gifs [here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133231931505/elizabethrobertajones-mittensmorguls-tags), because I love talking about how smart Dean is. :)

I am positive that Sam objectively knows Dean’s a smart guy, and I don’t think his little comments are meant in a derogatory way, or are Sam trying to prove he’s smarter than Dean, or assuming that Dean just doesn’t know stuff. I think it primarily highlights the different way each of their minds work, and why they sometimes run at cross-purposes, because they  _don’t_  think the same way.

I’m not suggesting they have some sort of fundamental difference of opinion, just a difference in how their thought processes work themselves out in their own heads. It’s led to little clashes like this their whole lives (as well as some pretty fundamental disagreements such as the whole finished sentence from the end of 9.12, that pretty much proves the point:

> **Sam:**  But something’s broken here, Dean…  
>  **Dean:**  I am not saying it’s not. I’m thinking we need to put a couple of “W"s on the board and we get past all this.  
>  **Sam:**  I don’t think so. No, I wish but… we don’t see things the same way anymore, our roles in this whole thing. Back in that church, talking me out of boarding up Hell? Or tricking me into letting Gadreel possess me? I can’t trust you. Not the way I thought I could. Not the way I should be able to.  
>  **Dean:**  Okay, look. Whatever happened, we are family. OK?  
>  **Sam:**  You say that like it’s some sort of cure-all, like it can change the fact that everything that has ever gone wrong between us has been because we’re family.  
>  **Dean:**  So what – we’re not family now?
> 
> **Sam:** I’m saying, you want to work, let’s work. If you want to be brothers… those are my terms.

Sam never finished that sentence, assuming that Dean understood exactly where he was going with it, but we know they were drawing opposite conclusions here, because the misunderstandings just piled up and piled up after that point. But back to the original question, and what I mean by them not  _thinking the same way_.

Sam is a logical, linear, conclusion-oriented thinker. He gathers evidence and assembles a theory and then acts on it. Dean is an intuitive non-linear thinker who has some pretty spectacular flashes of insight that allow him to adapt his plan in the moment and come up with some innovative and interesting solutions.

Sam works through problems starting at point A, then going through point B, point C, and point D to arrive at his conclusions. It’s all very logical. It only becomes an issue when he and Dean are trying to work through problems together, because Dean starts at point A, suddenly recalls something tangentially relevant from his past which has absolutely nothing to do with Sam’s linear thought process, which leads him directly to point D without coasting through B and C first.

Those intuitive jumps in logic sometimes some so far out of left field as to leave Sam wondering how Dean suddenly arrived where he did, and Sam’s only conclusion is to assume that Dean had worked out all the same steps his own mind would’ve gone through. It causes these sorts of cognitive disconnects that sometimes leave Sam and Dean at these little moments where one or both of them become frustrated or feel insulted.

Most of the time their individual styles mesh well together, and they’ve spent a lifetime working together. Like Sam said in that quote above, they can work together, but… When it comes to the way the conversation each of them believes they’re having about being family, there’s still a huge disconnect there.

It’s not that they don’t WANT to communicate these things to each other, but for the same reason that Sam kept his infection with the zompire juice a secret from Dean in 11.01 and 11.02, because he knew Dean would come back to try to help him even if it meant putting Amara and Jenna in danger (because Sam worked out the problem logically proceeding from point A: I tell Dean I’m infected, point B: Dean will drop everything and turn around to come save me, because that’s what Dean does, point C: Dean needs to save SOMEONE in this situation, point D: If Dean comes back he’s likely to be infected too, or he might just start killing everyone anyway because that’s how Dean solves problems, point E: It’s better to try and cure this thing on my own because of all of the above), but Dean only interpreted it as  _you lied to me_. Because just like Sam can’t wrap his head around Dean’s logic jumps, Dean sometimes can’t work his way through Sam’s flow charts.

That’s why the fact that Dean CLARIFIED for Sam that yes, he already hopped on the logic train and is three stops ahead of where Sam thought he was, was such a new development in the POI scene. It’s not that Sam thought Dean was unintelligent, or uninformed, or whatever. It’s just that they often speak at cross purposes like this, and never explain themselves to the other. This time, instead of just rolling his eyes at Sam and letting the comment slide (like he did with the possum/rat/marsupial comment), he stood up for himself and actually pointed out to Sam exactly where on their logic map Dean had already arrived at.

Gosh I hope some of this makes sense. :P

You also asked about Sam’s visions, and his belief that they were coming from god, as he told Dean in 11.04. I think that plays exactly into this different in thought process, and is probably the reason Sam hasn’t brought it up with Dean again.

When Sam had his first vision, immediately after praying to God in the hospital, he assumed that linear thought process kind of progression:

  * A pray to god
  * B experience terrifying hell-o-vision
  * C assumption that the vision was somehow god’s answer to his prayer.
  * D abject frustration and confusion over what the vision meant in the context of his plea for help, because that vision wasn’t god’s answer to his prayer, but he was unable to make the intuitive leap that Dean would’ve by nature of the way his mind works through problems



I’ve already written [some stuff about this](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131227068865/surlybobbies-what-is-with-all-these-connections) in reaction to 11.02, but I’m now seeing the exact opposite problem for Dean in how he’s choosing to deal with his interactions with Amara.

Right now, to me anyway, Dean seems to be floundering. He’s nearly paralyzed when it comes to finding any sort of solution to their problems with the Darkness, and Amara. He’s tried applying his usual trusty technique of flinging himself into the fight and waiting for a solution to present itself. He’s gathering data just like Sam is, but their data collection and analysis methods are so vastly different that, to Sam, his behavior just looks reckless.

Dean didn’t need to think through the “middle steps” in the logic puzzle (and in this case has the distinct benefit of being able to evaluate Sam’s experiences from a more objective point of view, because the trauma and emotions associated with Sam’s visions aren’t directly affecting him). Dean was able to look at Sam’s vision of their Dad in the car, combined with Sam’s recollections of his prayer back in the zompire hospital (which he’d already applied Sam Logic to and drawn what we all believe is an incorrect conclusion, as stated above), and apply everything from their past and arrive at a different conclusion by viewing everything through that lens.

Of course they disagreed about what the visions could mean. Sam is still insisting that they could be coming from God, because until he has more evidence that they are not, his logic train is stalled at the station, while Dean’s mind is working through the problem in different ways, because they just  _think differently_.

I’m not saying that either of them is right, or wrong. It’s just how their minds work. If you’ll notice, neither of them has managed to come up with a definitive solution yet. Sam’s waiting for more data, and Dean’s compiling comparative facts from his history. They both need more information before either of their techniques can pay off for them. In the mean time, their fundamental difference in even approaching the problem has left them on opposite sides of the table, metaphorically. That leads Sam to bottle up about his visions until he has more evidence to present, and gets frustrated with Dean for doubting him (because that’s how he works through problems internally), while Dean gets frustrated with Sam for not sharing all of his visions and keeping secrets, because to Dean, all of those experiences would constitute data that he could work with (because that’s how  _he_  works through problems internally).

That’s the cross-purposes I was referring to in the small-scale of those two conversations in 11.05 and 11.06, and hoping that because there was some progress, a change in how Dean took a moment to explain himself instead of rolling his eyes and letting the misunderstanding go, that we’re going to see that new attitude breaking through into their larger issues. Instead of each of them making assumptions based on fundamental misunderstandings, maybe they’ll actually  _explain themselves with actual words_  for once.

It’s a very small thing, but gosh, I’ve latched on to it as a hopeful sign that the breakdown in their communication over everything (large and small) is going to be addressed, and they’ll both find a much healthier way of dealing with things.

[spn 11.05](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.05) [spn 11.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.06) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [dean is a genius and if you disagree you can fight me](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-is-a-genius-and-if-you-disagree-you-can-fight-me) [a character study in Sam Winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/a-character-study-in-Sam-Winchester) [breaking the codependency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/breaking-the-codependency) [if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/if-you-say-%27mysterious-ways%27-so-help-me-i-will-kick-your-ass) [the rashomon effect](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-rashomon-effect) [spn meta-ish](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-meta-ish) [andimeantittosting](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/andimeantittosting) [sam sympathizes and dean empathizes](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-sympathizes-and-dean-empathizes)

 

*3

# More thoughts on Thinking, and Fear

Nov 20, 2015

34 notes

[mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133604040575):

> In light of Fran’s speech to Dean and Sam in 11.07, about how fear makes you react in different ways, I’ve been thinking more about [the thingy I wrote the other day about how Sam and Dean work through problems differently](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/133344514030/1-in-light-of-the-possum-thing-and-the-poi), and also how their fundamental methods of handling situations that involve fear for/about each other tend to change things for them.
> 
> In regular hunting situations (pffft as if there’s anything “regular” about hunting supernatural monsters, but for these guys it’s just any other Tuesday… well, aside from that one Tuesday that happened over and over again, but whatever. Moving on.)
> 
> In regular hunting situations, the thought processes I described in that long reply linked above hold true. Sam gathers facts and forms an action plan based on those facts, while Dean has a more organic and instinctual response that he can adapt on the fly to fit whatever situation he seems to find himself in. Sam is usually careful thought and planning, waiting for the solution to become clear (see 2.04 Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things for a really clear way their two methods of hunting differ); Dean sees multiple possible solutions to their problem and begins applying them until one sticks (see that scene in 6.04, Weekend At Bobby’s, where they’re fighting a Lamia, and have to keep calling Bobby for other methods to kill it because Dean doesn’t wait to hear the whole list of possible ways to kill it the first time. He grabs hold of the first potential solution and acts on it, and only then seeks out more info when that solution fails.)
> 
> EXCEPT in cases where one or both of them might be at risk.
> 
> When the problem at hand isn’t a regular hunt– when it’s so much bigger than both of them, when it hits Apocalypse level, or closing the gates of Hell level, or Darkness level of bad– OR when the situation at hand DIRECTLY PUTS ONE OF THEM IN JEOPARDY, suddenly their reactions become VERY DIFFERENT.
> 
>   * Sam deciding that their only solution to stop the apocalypse is to say yes to Lucifer, while Dean uncharacteristically wants to slam on the brakes.
>   * Sam believing he may have found a solution to save Dean from his demon deal in 3.15 Time Is On My Side by using Doc Benton’s “weird science” to essentially make Dean immortal (which is frankly horrifying), with Dean yet again unwilling to act on it
>   * In 3.11 Mystery Spot, Sam goes on a revenge mission to kill the Trickster and is willing to try just about ANYTHING to accomplish his goals (Dark Sam on A Mission is terrifying, right?), while Dean… is unable to act at all, even though he’s theoretically dead at that point, he’s still incapable of acting. Okay, maybe this isn’t the best example, but it still fits the pattern, just like:
>   * In 4.01 Lazarus Rising, when Sam has been shown to have exhausted every means for retrieving Dean from Hell (trying to make another crossroads deal, hunting demons for info, DRINKING DEMON BLOOD to “make himself stronger,” working with Ruby, etc…), as well as seeking revenge on Lilith, while Dean was also unable to act on his own behalf…
>   * During S4 after Dean learns of Sam’s demon blood habit, while Sam wants to use his power without considering what it might be doing to him because it is USEFUL and EFFECTIVE, Dean doesn’t care because the risk to Sam is too high. Several times he has to lock Sam up for “detox,” and sit on his hands until another course of action presents itself.
>   * Dean throwing himself into the Hell trials head first, until Sam is the one to complete the first trial when he couldn’t, with Dean subsequently slamming on the brakes
>   * Sam throwing himself into finding ways to cure Dean when he succumbs to the Mark and becomes a demon (and some of the things he agrees to do are pretty impulsive and terrifying, like convincing random people to summon demons he can interrogate for info, and allowing Rowena to perform a human sacrifice as part of the spell to remove the Mark), while Dean resists and drags his heels at every turn, unable to come up with a better solution but unwilling to put anyone else in danger in order to search for a cure
>   * And now Sam is being set up to act on his current round of terrifying visions in another impulsive/compulsive manner, while Dean is turning inward and bottling up in fear of what his own “visions” of the Darkness might mean.
> 

> 
> Part of Dean’s reactions are based on his fear, after meeting teenage Amara in person, that he might be incapable of acting in his own self-interest when it comes to the Darkness. After charging in to hunt her down against Sam’s sound logical objections, he was paralyzed to do anything in her presence. Whether or not his hesitation was entirely based on fear, or if part of it was some instinctual inability to harm her, or Amara exerting a sort of power over Dean, the point still holds. He was terrified, and his first response was to shut down and start mentally working through the problem (see that scene at the end of the episode where he’s brooding in his whiskey).
> 
> Sam is the one taking action now, which is so far limited to praying to God and hoping for a better answer than the Cage visions. He’s hoping for some sort of clarity or guidance, but he’s reaching the point where he’s not going to wait around for an answer to present itself. He’s going to jump feet-first into the fire. Again. Because if he doesn’t, who will?
> 
> So back to 11.07, and Fran, and her own uncharacteristic response to fear when it came to the people closest to her. She said she always loved and trusted her brother, and even defended him at first. When she’d had time to think that she could’ve been putting her own son at risk if she continued to stand by her brother, she didn’t hesitate to act. Rather than seeking out answers and working her way through the facts, or even confronting her brother directly, she made what in hindsight looks like a reckless and emotionally-driven decision to contact her brother’s accusers without ever consulting her son or her brother. She took the burden upon herself based on a motherly protective instinct and a purely emotional reaction from a place of fear.
> 
> Which is essentially how Sam and Dean both react when the other is in danger. Neither of them behaves rationally when the other is at risk.
> 
> With this season’s “you can’t outrun your past,” and the continuing theme of subverting the story and arriving at a different ending, I’m hopeful that whatever poorly-calculated risks Sam endeavors to take upon himself (like trying to visit the Cage, or even jailbreak the Cage, if that’s even possible now that they no longer have Death’s ring to open the lock*1), and whatever paralysis is keeping Dean from acting, they’ll begin to see this unhealthy switch for what it is.
> 
> *FOOTNOTE: (yes I have a thing for footnotes. They let my brain have a little tangent without the whole spec derailing for every stray thought I have while writing)
> 
> *1: I’ve seen it argued that there’s currently no known way to open the cage without the Horsemen’s rings, since Death’s was theoretically lost when he was killed, so freeing Lucifer and Michael might be a moot point anyway, BUT obviously freeing the Darkness has had a major effect. If someone (or both someones) in the cage were able to feel it, then perhaps the cage no longer needs much to bash it open. We saw a hand sticking out through a crack in the bars. The crack might be growing, and it might not take a whole lot of force to shatter at this point… But since this is entirely irrelevant to the rest of this post, I’m just sticking it down here for later contemplation.

ACK. Reblobbing myself because I thought of one more specific example to add to those above: Matters of faith.

In 1.12 Faith, Sam leaped onto the faith healer avenue to cure Dean, after exhausting every other possible avenue he could pursue. Even as Dean resisted and remained unconvinced it could help, Sam was relentless in his persistence to find a cure for Dean. The same held true in 2.01, where Sam resorted to Ouija boards and gathering spell ingredients without questioning what they were for, while Dean was left to hunt the reaper down himself, logically pursuing it as a case. Though I do admit the circumstances there were a little different…

Finally, in 2.13 Houses of the Holy, Sam was so intent on proving his faith, that his habit of praying to a higher being was valid, that there was a force of good out there to help them counter all the monsters they dealt with, that he was compelled to act out the instructions he received from the “vision” he assumed was an angel. He just wanted to believe so badly that he set aside his usual method of inquiry, and Dean was left to drag him through the investigation debunking Sam’s beliefs at every turn. In the end, though, even Dean couldn’t rationalize what happened to the man Sam had been instructed in his vision to kill.

Just figured I should include these references tying in Sam’s belief in prayer/receiving visions, since they correlate directly with his current situation.

 

 

Oct 15, 2015

47 notes

[surlybobbies](http://surlybobbies.tumblr.com/post/131209792696):

> what is with all these connections with angels and amara?  holy oil and a ring of fire as a cure??  calling amara an “angel” and “a miracle”?  
> 
> so much religious imagery too.  sam with the cross behind him, the shadow of a statue of jesus right underneath his chin - sacrifice??  
> 
> somebody pls take my disjointed thoughts and meta the shit out of them pls

*casually points to [the Rashomon effect post](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131173425245/out-of-the-darkness-and-into-the-wait-what) going around yesterday*

This season is all about how individually  _nobody_  is seeing the big picture, and instead everyone is looking at things through their own filter, colored by their own experience and their own expectations. They’re not questioning their assumptions, just running with them to their own eventual detriment.

Gramma sees baby: AW LITTLE ANGEL! WHAT A MIRACLE!

Two scenes later: THAT BABY HAS THE DEVIL IN HER! *gramma bites it*

and

Sam calling on God for help: *gets vision of Cage-style torture* *assumes that was the “sign” from God*

Two scenes later: Reaper shows up threatening him, telling him he’s “Unclean in the Biblical sense”, which ACTUALLY IS THE SIGN FROM GOD, and is what drives him to find the cure.

Right now, barring any evidence to the contrary, I’m going to have to make my own assumptions, based on the limited picture I have of what’s actually going on here. I have become part of the Rashomon Effect. So here goes:

God is finally getting up of his Most Holy Patoot, and is sticking his hand into Earthly affairs. I am now beginning to question Billie the Reaper’s motives, since yes she delivered the Ultimate Threat to Sam, but  _also functioned as the Hand of God_ , and delivered his salvation, at least his temporary salvation from the Biblical Uncleanliness.

There is so much more that we just don’t know yet, and can’t possibly know yet, because that is the way the story is structured. We’re meant to be speculating on how everything will fit together, because taken separately, no single aspect of the story so far can give a complete and truthful picture of the vast elements at work yet.

But it’s still fun to guess. :P

 

 

 

 

Oh gosh, I was thinking off down a different tangent (which I’ll get into in a bit), but I think in some ways this is just more proof of how Dean empathizes (while Sam sympathizes).

Dean just “reads” people differently. While Sam might not have any trouble separating those things out because he doesn’t have the same kind of insight into other people… Empathy is both a blessing and a curse, I guess?

My first thought was how Dean instantly seems to bond with Donna over donuts, and then later at the spa when they’re talking with her again he goes all “girl talk” with her over how Doug treated her, telling her she deserves better. So there is this layer of empathy at work here, of Dean getting on an instinctual level how these people he’s interacting with are expecting to be treated, and he acts accordingly…

But I think there’s another layer at work here. Dean’s professionalism, for lack of a better word. These women that Dean doesn’t flirt with are women he’s NOT performing for, for one reason or another. The primary reason seems to be that they are, by and large, victims of the supernatural. They are already vulnerable or compromised or endangered, and he’s their last line of defense.

Some women start out in the “flirting” box but migrate to the “part of the job” box, such as Andrea Barr in 1.03. Dean flirted with her at first until it became clear that she and her son were at risk. (earlier in the episode Dean displayed his cavalier attitude toward flirting, describing their waitress as “fun,” but as soon as he realized Andrea was in danger, the switch flipped and he was all business with her). It took Sam by surprise to realize that this shift had happened, and he even teased Dean about it at first.

Same goes with Kathleen and Diana. And with Donna. Those women all turned out to have a direct connection to the cases they were working on. It’s not that Dean wouldn’t have seen them in a sexual light if his first priority wasn’t to protect them from immediate danger.

It’s not just with female cops, either. Hailey in 1.02 had a very flirty reaction from Dean, UNTIL the case got serious, and it became about protecting her from the Wendigo *takes a shot*.

And going back to the empathy thing– do you really think Dean’s earliest interactions with Donna  _weren’t_  flirtatious? She delighted him in the same way that Ranger Rick in 7.09 did. Dean didn’t have to turn up the Patented Dean Winchester Swagger with these people, because he ALREADY CLICKS WITH THEM ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.

Donna offered him a donut! He didn’t need to wink and flatter her to connect with her in a satisfying way.

Same reason he didn’t flirt with Charlie right off, because first he saw her as at risk from the supernatural, but then he formed a connection with her in a different way, even before she revealed that she was only attracted to women.

Same with the mom in 1.18, a little bit flirty at first, but then bonding over being the “parental figure” for children in danger.

Same with so many other women he easily could’ve flirted with.

Because it’s not Dean’s “default” setting to be a horndog, you know? It’s a PERFORMANCE he puts on when it’s called for. I think it’s almost a relief to him when he DOESN’T need to interact with people that way. And the people who he tends to let his guard down around happen to be female for the most part… because he instinctively knows that he doesn’t have to put on his mask of hypermasculinity around these people in order to make a connection with them.

 

 

[Feb 9, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157045087455/im-just-trying-to-recall-the-last-time-we)

907 notes

I’m just trying to recall the last time we actually saw Dean do anything sexual with anyone. Because in 12.11, we know he had the hots for Larry, and after going for his ride he “blew off steam” with the waitress. But what does that mean? And the fact that he was supposed to meet her after her shift but never showed… for what? Round two? To finish what they started? It is a mystery. I mean, she didn’t seem all that invested, just pissed that he blew her off when she finally did see him again.

And ALL of that technically happened BEFORE HE WAS HEXED!

So, sound mind, consenting adults, and all that. And when she realized that he couldn’t remember because he’d been “roofied,” she was immediately concerned that she may have taken advantage of him and apologized.

I mean, that’s fantastic.

When the heck has Dean ever gotten an apology like that?

This is pretty far removed from “mistakes were made.”

Before this, he had some sort of success in 11.13 before then striking out later in the episode.

And before that was 11.04, where those mistakes were made, whatever that means.

But even with his memories removed and therefore no burden of guilt, we didn’t actually see him hit on anyone the entire episode. He was polite and smiley with people, complimenting Rowena’s hair for being “bouncy” oh my god. Being friendly with the waitress, even smiling at Sam when he had no freaking clue who HE was, let alone who Sam was. Dean’s default without his memories seems to be cheerfully pleasant with a zest for life (and waffles) (and Larry).

So, not a womanizing jerk dudebro.

He thought his own damn life hunting monsters with their angel best friend sounded awesome. He noticed people, but he didn’t have that performing persona. And he unashamedly admitted to loving A DISNEY CARTOON FISH. I mean… 

This was all just so refreshing in a really twisted and terrifying sort of way…

 

 

#  [Bon Jovi rocks… on occasion…](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157068323845/bon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion)

[Feb 10, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157068323845/bon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion)

128 notes

I found it REALLY odd and jarring that, while testing Dean’s memory in the motel room after the LAMP incident, that Sam chose BON JOVI, of ALL bands, to see if Dean could remember the band members’ names.

I mean??? We know for a fact from 4.18 that Dean’s two favorite songs were both by Led Zeppelin. My first thought was confusion over why Sam didn’t ask him to name the members of Led Zeppelin, because that would’ve been the obvious choice here… but no. He picked Bon Jovi.

And that told me something SIGNIFICANT. And I’ll explain why.

Bon Jovi has been referenced in a small handful of episodes.

**2.14, Born Under A Bad Sign**

The first Bon Jovi reference in the series was this:

> **Dean:**  You checked in two days ago under the name Richard Sambora. Of course, I think the scariest part about this whole thing is the fact that you’re a Bon Jovi fan.

The name Sam used  _while he was possessed by Meg and had no memory or awareness of what he’d done_ , was a member of Bon Jovi. 12.11 reminded me strongly of Dean trying to help Sam recover his memories by revisiting the places he went while possessed. Sam did the same thing for Dean in 12.11.

Their conversation with Elke STRONGLY reminded me of Dean’s conversation with the gas station market cashier. WHO EXAGGERATED WHAT SAM APPARENTLY STOLE TO GET MORE MONEY OUT OF DEAN. Like Elke exaggerated her story to Sam trying to elicit SOME sort of reaction out of Dean.

So we already have a connection to memory loss, deception, attempting to recover memories that have been manipulated or altered by outside forces.

**3.16, No Rest For The Wicked**

While driving to make one last attempt to stop Lilith and save Dean from going to Hell, Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” plays on the radio. Sam and Dean sing along to it. Sam gets into it, and Dean looks like he’s already dead inside.

(aside to say that the face Dean makes while singing it reminded me STRONGLY of the face at the end of 7.11 when he was trying to use Frank’s advice to paste on a smile and be “professional” or just give up. In other words, the most horrible smile in the history of smiles)

Because even in that episode, Sam seemed surprised:

> DEAN: You know what I do want?  
> [He reaches down to the radio and starts up Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”. SAM looks a bit “eeh?”]  
> SAM: Bon Jovi?  
> DEAN: Bon Jovi rocks, on occasion.  
> He looks over at SAM to underline this statement. When SAM looks away DEAN turns back to the road and begins to sing along with Bon Jovi.  
> […]  
> [DEAN begins to lose the will to sing and his smile is beginning to fade. SAM just continues to sing, laugh and smile, not noticing how DEAN is suddenly taking in the lyrics, realizing how much they actually fit him and what is about to come. The camera zooms on him as his smile completely vanishes, as he’s staring out on the road.]

DEAN WAS NEVER THE BON JOVI FAN. THE BON JOVI FAN WAS SAM. They were driving to Dean’s likely death and a one-way ticket to Hell, AND THIS WAS DEAN TRYING TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE AND DISTRACT SAM WITH SOMETHING THAT SAM LOVED.

This was Performing Dean trying like hell to keep that mask in place for Sam’s sake.

**7.05, Shut Up, Dr. Phil**

Once again,  _it’s Sam who chooses the alias “Agent Sambora.”_ We never learn what Dean’s FBI alias was in that episode. Dean wasn’t even WITH Sam during the conversation where Sam used the alias. Dean was busy having a chat with Chris the Hairdresser (played by the same guy who played Akobel in 12.10).

After those two separate respective interviews, Sam and Dean are shown walking down different streets while swapping info over the phone about what they each learned independently.

Aside again, because I love this exchange Dean has with Chris in the salon:

> DEAN: Oh. Basically, you’re saying that this couldn’t have happened.  
> CHRIS: Basically, I’m saying it couldn’t have happened.

_While standing there looking at the physical proof that yes, it did actually happen._

> DEAN: […] Of course, they don’t have pockets in those robe thingies that they make you wear.  
> SAM (on phone): [laughs] I didn’t realize you were such a spa expert.  
> DEAN (on phone): Shut up. I observe with my eyes.

Again, Dean floundering to keep up his performance while Sam teases him for knowing that spa robes don’t have pockets… >.>

Dean might observe with his eyes, but he’s prevented Sam from seeing a lot of things over the years with that heavy-duty Performance mask.

Plus, 7.05 was all about witchcraft, deception, and misunderstandings. Remember poor Jenny? Who’d been hexed into finding hearts in her cupcakes? HEARTS?! IN MY CUPCAKES?! Because Maggie thought her husband was having an affair with her? Sam and Dean thought so at first too, but Jenny cleared that misunderstanding up:

> JENNY: Don Stark is my boss. That’s it. He’s married, for God sakes.  
> DEAN: Yeah, well…  
> JENNY: Me and Don Stark. Ew.

**8.03, Heartache**

It’s again SAM who uses the alias Agent Sambora. In an episode about loss of identity via transplanted organs asserting the personality of their original owner on the recipients, DUE TO THE EFFECTS OF AN ANCIENT CURSE. 

After his long, long life, not wanting to live on after his true love eventually died of old age, a woman who was already old enough to pass as his mother, Brick chose to end his own life instead. After generations of being forced to reinvent himself every few decades and essentially reinvent himself because he didn’t age or die…

But then the recipients of his organs inherit his curse and lose themselves to his identity.

Loss of identity was huge in 12.11.

And again in 8.03, we never learn what alias Dean was using while Sam again chose a Bon Jovi reference.

**11.11, Into the Mystic**

Dean muses on how nice the retirement home is, mentioning that maybe they should look into it, and again IT’S SAM WHO BRINGS UP BON JOVI:

> **Dean:** So no retirement, huh?  
>  **Sam:**  Hey, you’re the one who’s always wanted to go out ‘blaze of glory’ style, preferably while the Bon Jovi song is playing.  
>  **Dean:**  I am a candle in the wind.

“Blaze of Glory” is a Bon Jovi song, and “I am a candle in the wind” is one of the lines from the first verse.

But this is all part of Dean’s “I’ll die hunting” refrain that we’ve been seeing again in s12. Because Dean just believes he’ll go out that way. Because every hunter he’s ever know  _does_  go out that way. 

All this in an episode where Cas has been taken over by Lucifer, and Dean’s REALLY unsettled that there’s something wrong with Cas. He’s being deceived, manipulated, and  _used as bait_ , yet he doesn’t even know it. He’s just got a weird feeling at this point.

It’s the “something’s wrong and I can’t put my finger on it” feeling that keeps hunters alive, frankly.

Then we have Dean’s entire conversation with Mildred about finding happiness and following your heart:

> DEAN [Chuckles]: You ever miss life on the road?  
> MILDRED: Nah. Nah, I had my fun. You want to know the secret to living a long and happy life?  
> DEAN: Actually, yes, I do.  
> MILDRED [Placing her hand on Dean’s chest and patting it] Follow your heart. You do that, all the rest just figures itself out. I did that. I followed my heart. Traveled the world, made people smile, forget about their problems for a while. And then my heart said, “Well, you’re done”. I had my fill and… And I retired. And I love it. [Mildred pats Dean’s knee for emphasis]

Which is doubly interesting when compared with Sam and Dean’s lines at the very end of 12.12:

> SAM: You know, I gotta be honest. I was actually, ah, a little jealous at first.  
> DEAN: Of what, the curse that nearly killed me?  
> SAM: No, just… you know. Some of the things we’ve done. We’ve had this… weight. Forever. And seeing it gone… you looked happy.  
> DEAN: [he looks down, doesn’t meet Sam’s eyes, and seems uncomfortable] Huh. Well, look, was it nice to drop our baggage. [he shrugs and looks up at Sam] Yeah, maybe. Hell,  _probably_. But it wasn’t just the crap that got lost. I mean,  _everything_. It was us it was what we do, you know. All of it. So… if that’s what being happy looks like… I think I’ll pass.

BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT DEAN ALREADY KNOWS THE SECRET TO A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE IS TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART. And without his memories? That’s not happiness. That’s delusion. It’s a lie.

A performance.

**12.04, American Nightmare**

This wasn’t a direct Bon Jovi reference, but I wrote a thing trying to explain the difference between the “Butt Rock” that Sam has always been a fan of, that Dean was so disdainful of when they were talking about Vince Vincente.

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/154601623940/brainfuzz-mittensmorgul>

Even the [Superwiki ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3D12.04_American_Nightmare&t=MDBkYjY0ODBmNjEzYWEyNmM1MDU3MDRkYWZlZjc4MWM1ZWNkZmYxMSxuWVVmbGhSNw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157068323845%2Fbon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion&m=1)pointed this out in the reference notes for the episode:

> _It can be assumed with[Sam](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DSam&t=NWRjOGVjMTk4MTE5MWY0NDRmZDY1ZmEzMTE4YTYyMTlhZTM4YThkNixuWVVmbGhSNw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157068323845%2Fbon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion&m=1) being a fan of Bon Jovi and [Vince Vincente](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DVince_Vincente&t=MGVkNDk2YTcyYjdlZjNlODc0Y2NjOTI0NTM5NTFkOWM2YWI1ZDg2MSxuWVVmbGhSNw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157068323845%2Fbon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion&m=1), that his musical tastes veered more towards '80s hair/glam metal growing up, which is in contrast to [Dean](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DDean&t=MDcxNGM0ODE1ODdmNDJhYzM5ZjBmNDcwYTg3MDJmMzdhZjNmNTRkOCxuWVVmbGhSNw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157068323845%2Fbon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion&m=1) and [John](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3DJohn&t=MzhlYzVjOWJkYTRmMDljN2Y1OTg5N2YxNzEzNzJhMjA2YzA2NWY3YSxuWVVmbGhSNw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157068323845%2Fbon-jovi-rocks-on-occasion&m=1)’s classic hard rock and heavy metal tastes._

BECAUSE BON JOVI ONLY ROCKS ON OCCASION. I think Dean grudgingly liked a couple of their songs.

BON JOVI IS NOT DEAN’S KIND OF MUSIC. IT’S SAM’S. WHICH DEAN HAS SUFFERINGLY TOLERATED FOR SAM’S SAKE. FOR YEARS. Because Dean knows Sam FAR better than Sam knows Dean.

* * *

Lizbob wrote a thing yesterday before 12.11 aired that said that this was going to be something KEY to this episode, this disconnect between the brothers, and the fact that Dean has functioned as a pseudo-parent to Sam.

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157037949755/i-cant-wait-for-dean-to-enter-the-amnesia-phase>

And my absolute rant of a post about the promo:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156996781305/oh-god-sorry-but-thats-a-clusterfuck-of-promo>

Because that’s pretty much how the episode panned out.

An exposition on Performing Dean.

 

Heck I’m finding all the parallels ever today, but I just watched 7.15, and at the very end this is what Dean says about Jeffrey as he falls asleep/passes out on top of the blankets while fully dressed:

> He was a psychopath, Sam. That’s what they do all the time, is act. Act like they’re normal, act like they’re not balls-to-the-wall crazy.

And back in s7 that was pretty much what Sam was trying to do all the freaking time. I mean, he had his coping mechanism of squeezing the scar on his hand to fight back against Hallucifer. But I don’t think Sam has ever really realized the extent to which Dean has constructed this same kind of performance.

For some reason, even with all the times that Sam’s gotten a peek at Dean with his guard down for whatever reason, Sam either dismisses it, or doesn’t realize the true extent of the disconnect with the image he has of Dean and who Dean really is underneath it all.

And that’s the tragedy, really. It’s why Sam initially dismissed Dean’s odd behavior in 12.11 as “oh, you’re drunk.” Because Dean really wasn’t drunk. The first thing to go when he lost his memories was that act he puts on all the time.

Even still, some of his first instincts are to hold that mask together for Sam’s sake– minimizing his problem, reassuring Sam that he’s fine and playing off his inability to remember stuff like how to drive, what a lamp is, and even his own name as just ~weird anomalies~ despite the absolute flimsiness of the excuse in this case.

Dean puts on this act so consistently that when it breaks Sam thinks there’s something  _wrong_  with Dean, and that the ~out of character behavior~ IS the problem, instead of being a much clearer look at all the stuff Dean normally keeps buried.

His whole life, Sam relied on Dean’s performance because it was consistent and reassuring. It’s become reflexive for Dean to keep up the act, and easier and more comforting for Sam to just accept it as fact and dismiss the ~anomalies.~

Because for Sam, who sympathizes rather than empathizes, he can only understand Dean by imagining how HE would feel/behave/react in a given situation and process those anomalies through the filter of HIS OWN thoughts/feelings/etc. And this is a source of frustration for Dean, who empathizes rather than sympathizes, because he has no understanding of how Sam DOESN’T get it yet. Because in Sam’s place, Dean would’ve intuited the truth eons ago. Because Dean doesn’t need to imagine himself in anyone else’s place to understand or relate to people (because empathy!).

Dean’s slowly been chipping away at the mask though, and Sam’s finally beginning to understand just what’s real and what’s been that act all along. Since this is a major contributor to their codependency, I’m really hoping that they are finally coming to some sort of better understanding of each other here.

Hopefully the real victim of the “farewell montage” there will be the codependency.

spn 12.11

 

[Feb 13, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157202805895/on-the-subject-of-performing-dean-since-that)

57 notes

On the subject of Performing Dean, since that seems to be the hot topic after 12.11, I was just rewatching 7.18 Party On Garth, and noticed yet another horrible thing, also tangential to [the thing I just reblobbed from Lizbob](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/157198735633/elizabethrobertajones-shower-thoughts-harping) about the parallels between 4.06, 4.14, and 12.11– specifically this theme:

> about how [these two episodes] intentionally turned Dean inside out in front of Sam to make him look extremely vulnerable. In front of season 4 Sam, whose entire arc was built around feeling strong - and specifically stronger than Dean - and falling down the rabbit hole based on those feelings. Those 2 episodes are really bad for Sam’s perception of Dean in that immediate moment because they’re stepping stones to make Sam think Dean’s not just lost his edge but is completely incapable of stopping the apocalypse and Sam is the only one strong enough to do it. Aka, Sam is in the worst place in the world to benefit with positive lessons from watching Dean get turned inside out in front of him.

and

> (seriously, like, the last quarter of season 7 is the only other time I can think of Sam didn’t have a Thing outside of just being along for the ride with the main plot) - Sam can be concerned about Dean

Essentially, Sam Is Once Again Confounded and At A Loss As To Interpreting Dean Without the Performance Mask. So instead of really looking at Dean and trying to figure out what’s REALLY going on with him, Sam takes the evidence and tries to force it into a configuration that meshes with his assumptions and beliefs about Dean.

It’s like Dean’s a unlabeled box of parts from Ikea, and Dean’s TOLD Sam that the box contains the parts to build a coffee table, so Sam’s trying his damndest to BUILD a coffee table out of those parts, despite the evidence of his eyes where all the parts really SHOULD build a chest of drawers. Yet Sam lacks the essential something needed to ignore the fake label on the box and just assemble the chest of drawers anyway, and instead he’s cobbled together something that kinda-sorta  _works_  as a coffee table but isn’t actually functional if you start setting stuff down on it. It’s essentially a formation of sticks in the shape of a pile, and collapses if you put even the slightest pressure anywhere on it. But instead of realizing maybe something’s wrong with the essential underlying assumption that THIS SHOULD BE A COFFEE TABLE and trying to understand why it’s not good at BEING a coffee table, that maybe it’s actually something else entirely…

Well, Sam just doesn’t have the tools to figure that out on his own. It takes episodes like 12.11 to hopefully help him see that…

But back to 7.18, right at the very end when Dean’s concerned about the sword, Sam does his damndest to rationalize Dean’s “evidence” away,  _because Sam tried to duplicate that evidence on his own and failed to prove out Dean’s story._

And that failure was based on this sort of fundamental misunderstanding. In the case of 7.18, it was the crucial missing fact that Bobby was “haunting” Dean’s flask, so when Dean wasn’t around (with the flask), Sam’s “experiments” were destined to fail. Without that critical detail, Sam believed he HAD to be right, and that Dean HAD to be wrong, despite the fact that we saw Bobby’s ghost standing RIGHT THERE at the end of the episode.

In this same way, Sam’s been misinterpreting Dean all these years based on the same lack of critical details (despite him having learned so much more about Dean over the years… Sam is still thinking of these new things he’s learned as  _exceptions to the rule_ , rather than a peek at the sorts of things that Dean’s simply been burying his entire life to maintain a facade).

Okay, so with that in mind, here’s what a blarghed at Lizbob about 7.18:

> oh dear, I’m watching the end of 7.18, where Dean suspects Bobby was the one who pushed the sword at him, and he confronts Sam about it.  And it’s yet another example of Sam Not Getting It. He doubts Dean, because Sam did the spirit board thing trying to contact Bobby, but he did it when Dean specifically wasn’t there. Because he was under the impression that Dean might “influence” the reading because he just WANTED it to be Bobby so badly.
> 
> Sam doesn’t trust Dean’s evidence because Sam IS NOT EXPERIENCING THE EVIDENCE HIMSELF. He can’t reproduce the results. So rather than assume that Bobby’s latched on to something in Dean’s possession (or even to Dean himself), because that would be freaking heartbreaking for Sam, to believe that Bobby just didn’t have the same sort of attachment to him as he did to Dean…even though that’s not the case at all…  It’s easier for Sam to just assume Dean’s projecting this crap.
> 
> MONTAGE! “Dean, look, I know something happened back there. I just want you to be straight with me.” STRAIGHT! oh gosh. 
> 
> so Dean lays out EVERYTHING that’s happened, all the evidence.  They use a montage here with Dean narrating it all to Sam, which Sam tries to rationalize it all away.  And then there’s bobby standing there looking all sad because Sam and Dean can’t see him. Dean can feel it though.

And because Sam CAN’T feel it, can’t experience it for HIMSELF, he believes that Dean must be wrong. 

Yet again, an example of how Sam sympathizes and Dean empathizes.

 

 

[Feb 13, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157219566515/this-might-sound-really-dumb-but-i-am-having-a)

42 notes

**Anonymous asked: This might sound really dumb but i am having a hard time reconciling what we see as obvious clues that sam doesn't get who dean is because of performing dean but then we have this whole monologue from sam about it being so hard to watch dean not being dean when dean was actually unmasked and Sam just thought it was the spell. The text seems to telling us sam does get dean??? But I know he doesn't??? This why I don't meta.**

Hi there! And you know, you sort of hit the nail on the head there. Because there’s two layers (and probably more… I mean my initial tag for this phenomenon early in s12 was [dabb is giving us the subtext equivalent of a linzer torte here there’s like 15 layers of delicious to enjoy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dabb%20is%20giving%20us%20the%20subtext%20equivalent%20of%20a%20linzer%20torte%20here%20there's%20like%2015%20layers%20of%20delicious%20to%20enjoy)… I mean, there’s a lot going on here).

Even the structure of the episode reflected this fact. The actual ~plot stuff~ in the first half of the episode was told only through flashbacks, interviews, and retracing Dean’s steps and attempting to “reassemble” the truth of what had happened to him the night before.

We’re warned in the opening scene that we’re at the mercy of an unreliable narrator– Dean having been hexed while pursuing a witch. Everything that follows is discovery. Some of it (most of it actually) isn’t actually helpful in solving the case, and serves only as a vehicle for Sam learning things about Dean, beginning with the things SAM can remember, such as the visit to the victim’s office.

“You did the same thing yesterday,” he commented when Dean stole a cigar and called it a “douche tax.” Pffft.

So we start with the obvious surface layer stuff, but that falls away pretty fast and then they have to begin exploring and investigating, because Sam doesn’t have a roadmap for the rest of Dean’s evening, and Dean can’t even reliably recall his own name…

So bearing all this in mind, when Sam tells Rowena how difficult it is to watch Dean being “not Dean,” it can be interpreted in several ways. Mainly:

  * I’m terrified that my brother who has always been a rock to me is crumbling away (i.e., that reliable Performance of Dean that Sam finds comforting because it’s the image he’s always had of his brother is suddenly gone)
  * It’s difficult and terrifying to watch a loved one lose all memory of themselves and their loved ones. Seeing Dean, the consummate hunter repeatedly comment “Hey is that a dead guy?” about the SAME DEAD GUY, the guy DEAN HIMSELF CAUSED TO BE DEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE… I mean, that’s pretty horrifying. Or when Rowena said Dean Winchester would eventually die from this curse and Dean replied, “Sucks for that guy” or whatever… because he didn’t even IDENTIFY as himself, and didn’t even recognize himself in the mirror…



So the comment works on both levels.

It’s interesting now that I’ve typed that out, because someone else mentioned in another post that this is the disconnect that a child would feel in relation to their parent, and not the way a brother should feel toward his brother (I’m referring to that first bullet point here…).

At the beginning of s12 when Mary first showed up, THIS IS THE SORT OF DISCONNECT DEAN EXPERIENCED WITH REGARD TO MARY.

Sam didn’t have the same sort of attachment to a particular description of who Mary was as a person that Dean did. Dean had memories of her that he’d carefully preserved with a sort of soft-tinged glow. He idealized her his entire life. He didn’t even talk about her with Sam until he was much older, not even sharing some of the details he knew about her or remembered about her until they were both adults.

But Dean had this Icon of Mary built up in his mind, and when she came back… she wasn’t what he was expecting. At all.

We watched him struggle with this through the first half of s12, and they’ve finally reached a sort of tentative “Adult Normalized” sort of relationship. 

But in a lot of ways, Sam still subconsciously behaves in subtle ways that allow Dean to retain some of this “parental” sort of role in his life. Watching someone you’d always thought of this way, as “in charge” and “capable;” someone you relied on like a child would rely on a parent; seeing them without the Parental Filter in place is a little bit traumatizing.

It’s like a little kid seeing their parents get sloshed at a holiday party for the first time, or hearing about their dating history, or beginning to realize they’re people independent of you. It’s a bit of a shock, but adults do eventually realize their parents are people too… when the “parent” in question is actually an older sibling, and they continue this dynamic into adulthood, it’s codependency. And it’s really not healthy.

 

in 12.04, on their walk up to the house after Dean’s sad fence scramble, Sam said the same thing about Mary needing a little time, and eventually Dean came around to that because Mary DID reply to him eventually. His discomfort over her back then was based on the fact that they DIDN’T really know her, and had no idea whether she really would ever come around the way Sam mentioned that he and Dean always had. But Mary came through, and it turned out the reason she hadn’t replied before was literally a “I don’t get this modern technology yet,” and forgot to plug in her phone.

Their different perceptions and coping methods are harped on again at the beginning of 12.05, where Sam believed Dean just needed to talk things out over a slice of pie, because that had seemed to work for Mary back in 12.02. The Pie of Pleasant Family Relations. At that point, though, Dean really DIDN’T have a problem with Mary. He understood, and had accepted her wanting to “find herself” or whatever.

Dean was upset with her in 12.06 when she showed up at some strange hunter’s funeral after not even returning his phone calls for a while, but by the end of the episode they were on fairly even footing and had bonded again over their mutual love of bacon. :P

In 12.07 we get the confirmation that Dean is in regular contact with Mary, at least on an acquaintance-level, playing words with friends.The lines of communication are open.

We also know a little bit about the sorts of things she’d been doing with the six weeks while Sam and Dean were missing. Like in times of trouble in the past, and like in 12.03, she turned to hunting for a dose of normality and stability. Only after being introduced to the MoL did things really begin to change.

Dean’s been worried about her since they got out of prison, and the increasing distance and secrecy she’s been keeping from them has him on edge. Like he can see through her mask, because he’s used to wearing one himself.

Sorry I just went on and on here… >.>

 

[Mar 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157967766035/in-foreboding-things-how-bout-sam-mick-peering)

19 notes

**Anonymous asked: In foreboding things, how bout Sam & Mick peering over at Dean & Sam saying "Give me time" to work on Dean, manipulate him, apparently? the thoughtful way Sam looked then was so scary! what Sam's planning, whether he's sincere in joining (taking over) the BMOL could go either way imo, I like the question & all the theories, but wow @ Sam maybe trying to manipulate Dean based on-- performing!Dean? what he actually knows. "Regarding Dean" showed us that's still shaky, but whatever Sam TRIES? AHHHH**

Yeah. I mean, It’s like Ketch’s clearly not-complete dossier on Dean. If Ketch thinks that Dean is essentially the same as he is, just a cold blooded killer, then he’s got another think coming, because dang…

And in a lot of ways Sam is obviously much better at reading Dean. He’s not working off some shoddy MoL dossier, but on 30+ years of living with the guy… But Sam’s knowledge of Dean is often limited the same way a child’s knowledge of their parent can be limited. Because there are a lot of things that Dean has kept from Sam over the years (whether by his own choice or on John’s orders, the story became the story, and Dean ALSO tried to protect Sam from a LOT of stuff growing up).

But essentially, where it really matters here (implications of Sam trying to manipulate Dean into working for the MoL… which I think would eventually blow up catastrophically for everyone), is what is SAM’S real feelings about working with the MoL?

In the scene where he was talking to the Alpha, Sam said he’d chosen a side, and the initial feeling we all got was YAY HE CHOSE WINCHESTERS! FAMILY! But then… did he flip-flop there? Was he lying? Was he still putting on the same sort of show for both Mary and Mick that he’d put on when he first saw the Colt again? HIDING HIS REAL INTENTIONS AND KNOWLEDGE FROM ALL OF THEM?

Because heck, if they have the Colt, then what ELSE do they have that they really shouldn’t? Maybe THIS is the angle he’ll be working with Dean? That these people are just too dangerous and poorly informed to have access to this kind of power? I mean… how honest was he really being with Mick there at the end?

THAT’S what I find even more interesting. Because I’m really not all that concerned about him trying to manipulate Dean. At least not yet… we’ll see how this plays out over the next few episodes and the rest of the season.

 

 

At the beginning of 12.14 Dean was lamenting the fact that there didn’t seem to be ANY hunts to be found. He was about ready to embark on a 10 hour drive to check out something he absolutely knew was NOT a hunt, just for something to do. He was bored.

Now suddenly two weeks later they’re so awash in hunts that they’re going “back to back to back” and haven’t been home to the bunker in DAYS (probably more than four). It was clear that when they left on that hunt that kept getting extended that Dean had not packed for more than one hunt’s worth of time being away. Because really, when have they EVER had a period of time like this outside the apocalypse or some other Major Cosmic Event where they didn’t even have time to stop and breathe between hunts?

Yet here they are, after how many weeks or whatever where their only hunt had come (they found out later to Dean’s great upset) from the MoL  _via Mary_ , then all of a sudden SAM’S suddenly bringing him hunts so fast, for things they have rarely hunted in a really long time as well (ghoul, wraith, siren).

Outside of when Eve was interfering and stirring up the monsters in s6, the last ghoul and siren we know they fought was in s4, and the last wraith was in 5.11. These are three REALLY UNCOMMON monsters for them, and yet here they’ve somehow stumbled across all three in a matter of DAYS?

Assuming Dean HASN’T noticed something’s really fishing going on here, and assuming that Dean HASN’T put that fishy feeling together with the fact that the ONLY thing that’s changed between their boring huntless stretch and their current nonstop hunting binge  _was the fact that Sam spent some time cozying up to the MoL with Mary_ …

Well.

Dean Winchester is not a moron, folks.

He asks Sam where all these hunts are coming from, knowing FULL WELL that Sam is either getting them from Mary or directly from the MoL himself (because hey, Sam’s also suddenly talking to Mary and reporting her conversations to Dean, which he hasn’t done ALL SEASON LONG),

But Dean has also had enough fighting, especially with Sam.

Dean knows the MoL are actively trying to recruit them. He knows Ketch  _failed_  to recruit him with that terrible vampire hunt. And yet…  _back to back to back_  hunts for three of the sorts of creatures they rarely face. In fact, THREE CREATURES THAT NEARLY DEFEATED SAM AND DEAN THE FIRST TIME THEY FACED THEM… and to Dean these are now easy things to hunt… well, he’s putting on the sort of show of his hunting prowess that Ketch had been attempting to assess.

Dean knows all of this. And Dean is putting on exactly the kind of show the MoL were expecting to see.

He  _wants Sam to tell him the damn truth_ , without having it turn into a shouting match. Without it turning into a “You’re working with  _Ruby_?” Moment. Or a 6.07 chat– which incidentally was about the Alpha Vampire, so this is a DOUBLY pointed reminder right now, just TWO WEEKS after Sam killed said Alpha Vampire:

> Dean: I saw you walk that alpha out the door, Sam. Now, call me crazy… But that seems weird.  
> Sam: [Sighs] Oh.  
> Dean: “Oh.”  
>  **Sam: You weren’t supposed to know about that.**

And what logic did soulless Sam (and Samuel Campbell) base this decision to keep Dean in the dark on?

> Sam: Honestly? ‘Cause you’d mess it up. You shoot first, ask questions later, and we needed to ask questions.

And I think Dean’s a little bit concerned that something EQUALLY shady is going on here. Granted, the MoL KILLED the alpha vampire rather than interrogating it, and Sam DOES have his soul now and SAM WAS the one who they’d held captive and tortured, so Dean DOES trust him to make that choice to work with them for himself…

But… the fact that Sam was STILL keeping all of this a secret from him DESPITE all that… well… this called for drastic measures.

And pulling out his unsettling veneer that he’d last worn shortly after Purgatory, when he and Sam WERE keeping these kinds of secrets, the last time that Sam had really abandoned him… HE JUST WANTED SAM TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH HERE. (which, shades of Veritas here much? I mean, 6.06, ONE EPISODE BEFORE Dean found out about Samuel’s shady plan there, was where Dean PROVED Sam was lying to him about something huge. Something SO huge that it took a goddess of Truth to dislodge the fact, and a “soulonoscopy” from Cas to prove that Sam  _had no soul_.) Remember how suspicious Dean had been of Sam for the first 6 episodes of s6? And how he behaved around Sam trying to ferret out an honest confession about  _anything?_

Newsflash, Sammy. Vampires pee.

I mean go even FURTHER back to early s6. Sam was finding them hunt after hunt after hunt. That was their conversation at the beginning of 6.03. Incidentally, where we get this reminder:

But right at the beginning of the episode, we see RoboSam call Dean with this dubious tidbit:

> DEAN: Hey. I’m about eight hours out of the Campbell Base.  
> SAM: Uh, change of plans. I need you to meet me. I’m in PA. Town called Easter.  
> DEAN: What are you doing in Pennsylvania?  
> SAM: Caught a case.  
> DEAN: A case? When? It’s been like a day and a half.  
> SAM: I like to work.  
> DEAN: Apparently.  
> SAM: Glad we hashed that out. Call me when you roll into town.  
> SAM hangs up.

RIGHT AFTER THIS we get Dean telling Ben that he knows Ben is lying, because he lies professionally. I mean, HE KNOWS Sam is already lying to him here.

> DEAN: Hey, so, uh… are you okay?  
> SAM: Me? [ Chuckling. ] Yeah, I’m great.  
> DEAN: Really? 'Cause there’s been a few times that you got me wondering.  
> SAM: Come again?  
> DEAN: Well, like where were you when Cas was, uh, giving the Holy Taser treatment to that kid?  
> SAM: I was right there.  
> DEAN: Really? 'Cause honestly, I felt like I was the only one raising a card.  
> SAM: Right. Uh, I mean, I was with you, but…I don’t know. W-we needed the intel.  
> DEAN: Yeah, I know, but we tortured that kid to get it.  
> DEAN: I just didn’t get the feeling that you – that you even cared.  
> SAM: Y- you’re wrong.  
> DEAN: Hey man, I’m just trying to figure this out because… something’s different with you. You know that.

In 6.04 Dean calls to ask Bobby about Sam during that year he missed out on while living at Lisa’s. He’s rightfully VERY concerned about whatever Sam is keeping hidden from him. In 6.05 he gets a whopping dose of truth  _as a vampire, because he KNOWS now that Sam LET HIM GET TURNED_. He’d hidden the fact that there was a cure from Dean. I mean… parallels much? To Sam having used Dean “as a weapon” against monsters?

With the simultaneous parallels to the Dean that walked out of Purgatory in 8.01? And the fact that Sam hadn’t looked for Dean in Purgatory being one of the major sticking points between them that Sam was still apologizing for three years later? Yeah. Shades of ALL of this in Dean’s performance there.

BOTH times I can just hear Dean shaking his head and accusingly asking Sam, “For a YEAR?! A whole  _year_?” 

So I ask, is it REALLY Davy Perez who doesn’t get this show? Or is it folks who are yelling “OOC!” 

 

[Mar 21, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158673016325/im-watching-1115-right-now-and-this-comment-from)

58 notes

**[amirosebooks](http://amirosebooks.tumblr.com/) asked: I'm watching 11.15 right now and this comment from Dean to Sam "Will you please try not to ruin one of the nicest things dad ever did for us?" really stood out for me. I mean, obviously Dean has always put on a show of "Dad did his best/wasn't totally fucked up/THIS IS FINE" in regards to John and their childhood for Sam, but it's always been pretty clear to me that Sam never actually believed it. How much of that smoke and mirrors is for Dean himself?**

Heck, I think at least a little bit of it is self-defense.

But Sam may never have bought all the “John is great” stuff, but I don’t think he ever understood the full extent of what John and Dean (initially under John’s orders) truly tried to keep from him.

I think 3.08 was really eye opening for Sam in this way. I mean, they’d given us some hints earlier on (with Max in 1.14, and Dean’s reaction to Sam’s comment that they were actually pretty lucky with John that they didn’t end up having a childhood like Max did; with everything from 1.18 that showed us just how different Dean’s childhood was from Sam’s… that it was essentially nonexistent), but SAM never got that full story out of Dean even then.

In 3.08, we start to really see the different layers of Dean’s performance for Sam, and Sam starts to get a small idea of this concept too, but it’s still something we the audience have a much clearer picture of, while Sam is still mostly in the dark. Dean’s “Dad’s great!” was just one level of the performance Dean had to construct to keep even the essential nature of their lives hidden from Sam. The superficial veneer laid atop a mountain of secrets and lies that kept Sam “protected” from the supernatural.

I wrote something the other day (and others have written tons on the subject too) about how John was both protective of Sam, but also terrified of him and what connection he may have to the “thing” that killed Mary. I think at first he may have even been terrified that Sam WAS the thing that killed Mary… so keeping Sam in the dark until he learned the entire truth for himself was as much for Sam’s protection as his own. It became a life strategy.

His last words to Dean were that he had to save Sam, and if he couldn’t, then he’d have to kill Sam… I mean, that says a lot toward John’s really mixed feelings about Sam and the lengths he tried to go to in his attempt to “save Sam” from the supernatural.

It’s not really until 9.07 that I think Sam really started to get an idea of just how much Dean sacrificed of himself as a buffer between him and John, and that Dean has always known full well that John wasn’t an ideal parent. But the story became the story, to quote Dean in 9.07, and it just became easier for Dean to believe in the make believe version he’d been forced to build up in his mind. 

But because of all that, the fact that deep down Dean really does know all the truth and horror that Sam had been sheltered from all those years, god how much harder does he truly cling to those very few memories of times he was actually ALLOWED to just be a kid, to just sit at a wrestling show and cheer for his favorite and not have to hide anything or make up a story or anything else. 

I think it’s been a while since Dean tried to delude himself with even the performance of “John was a good dad,” but his comment to Sam in 11.15 didn’t have anything to do with John. Sure, the pretext of going to the funeral was that it was “John’s favorite wrestler,” but the wrestling show itself, that was something Dean wanted to remember for himself. Like the memory of his first B&E sneaking out to watch Gunner Lawless on pay per view. It was more about one of those few small moments where Dean actually FELT like a proper kid, doing something just for fun, and then Sam made that snide comment about the dad drinking and essentially taking his kid to the show for purely selfish reasons (cheap beer, keep the kid distracted) rather than doing something FOR the kid because it was something the kid truly enjoyed…

I hope that makes sense, I’ve been completely distracted watching 1.09 while trying to type this up. :P

 

[Mar 30, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159007524105/218-if-they-were-in-hell-then-how-did-they)

20 notes

2.18: “If they were in Hell, then how did they hear our chanting?” “I don’t know! They must have super-hearing!”

Maybe not completely breaking the fourth wall, but definitely opening a window on it. Maybe putting a few shotgun blast holes through it. Things are not what they seem on any level.

They show up on the pretext of “taking a vacation from hunting,” but Sam finds a case anyway.

Dean has no idea what a PA even is when he first shows up, but like two scenes later he’s completely integrated himself onto the set. He’s even wearing the headset and the crew t-shirt, pretty much the model of efficiency. He’s made friends with practically everyone on set,  _and is still working the case like a pro_ , while Sam’s just sort of standing around thinking Dean’s wasting time or whatever, all in the time it took Sam to sneak into the morgue to confirm their latest victim was really dead (since the first “victim” turned out to have been a stuntman paid to create a scandal surrounding the movie, and his death was faked for that purpose).

Lies, deceptions, all hiding a much more sinister truth.

All the while, Dean’s basically uncovered a ton of information on their case just by being himself, a social butterfly who relates well to people.

Then another layer of deception: The vengeful spirit they suspect of killing people– the one Sam dug up who died the same way their latest victim did– burning her bones doesn’t banish her ghost.

Then finally Sam, watching the dailies Dean snagged through one of his contacts, realizes the ghosts were being summoned by the actual dialogue from the script of the movie. They go talk to the “writer” who turns out not to be the actual writer…

**SAM** Yeah, yeah, yeah, I really liked, uh, all the attention to detail.  
 **MARTY** Dude, right on, that’s my thing. I mean, you know, color me guilty, but that is me. I’m, I’m, I’m a total detail buff.  
 **SAM** No, I can tell. I mean, the way you worked in all those, all those Enochian summoning rituals and all the authentic language.  
 **MARTY** (smile fading) What, you mean that Latin crap? No, man, that’s Walter. Walter Dixon, the original writer. You like that garbage?  
 **DEAN** Wait, “Walter the P.A.” Walter?  
 **MARTY** No, he’s not a P.A. He’s got a clause in his contract that allows him to come on set.  
 **DEAN** But he wrote the invocations?  
 **MARTY** He wrote a whack-job screenplay. There’s no pace, there’s no love interest, it’s all wackadoo exposition. I had to cut, like, ninety percent of it to make it readable, the other ten percent to make it good.

More deception, and heck if that’s not a case of “the story became the story.”

**WALTER** You know, the history, the lore in my draft was completely accurate. We could’ve gotten it right for the first time ever in this whorehouse of a town. But, you tore it to shreds. You replaced it with cleavage and fart jokes. (sighs) It was real.  
 **MARTY** Who gives a rat’s ass about “real”? We’re talking about ghosts here, Walter. There’s no such thing.  
 **WALTER** That’s where you’re wrong, Martin.

Marty experiences a real ghost hunt, and then in true Hollywood fashion, incorporates it all into the film. Walter’s original script had read “like a how-to manual of conjuration, like a textbook on how to summon ghosts and get them to do whatever you want.” But in the end the “real” parts of the movie ended up being a how-to manual on  _banishing and destroying_  those ghosts.

And for all his theoretical knowledge about this necromancy stuff, Walter destroys the talisman that he’d been using to control the ghosts. In a scene really similar to Sam breaking the talisman Sue Ann had been using to control the reaper in 1.12, but this time Walter sealed his own fate.

So what’s relevant for s12? How about lies are bad. Even just “changing the script to suit your personal preferences” can have serious consequences. Even believing you are in control and more knowledgeable can’t save you if you’re lacking some critical facts.

And there’s probably some bigger underlying truth festering away at the core of it all.

(heck at the end of the episode Sam and Dean walk off into the sunset, and even that’s a big false front of a backdrop that rolls away to reveal the “real” foggy landscape beyond.)

(still I love this episode because dammit Dean looks like he’s having a great time for himself throughout most of it)

 

[Mar 31, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159043601670/220-aka-wow-dean-really-doesnt-think-much-of)

62 notes

2.20: aka Wow Dean really doesn’t think much of himself >.>

[I have a tag for that](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%202.20) that’s chock full of posts on all the relevant points in this episode to s12…

also aka deception and lies

**DEAN** What? You think these suckers can really grant wishes?  
 **SAM** I don’t know. I guess they’re powerful enough. But not exactly like Barbara Eden in harem pants. I mean, Djinn have been feeding off people for centuries. They’re all over the Koran.  
 **DEAN** My God. Barbara Eden was hot, wasn’t she? Way hotter than that Bewitched chick.

Yet another instance (like learning sirens aren’t all hot chicks) where Dean’s misconception bites him in the ass. Then again, he sort of had his own “hot chick” in his djinn dream. There just wasn’t anything real about it. The djinn was still a dude.

How many times in s12 has someone accused Dean of drinking or being drunk when he’s been stone cold sober? Because that’s a running “joke” in this episode. I pointed this out to Mr. Mittens and his response was “Well, he’s been drinking djinn. Get it? Gin?” Mr. Mittens thinks he’s hilarious, but it’s true. Even “Sam” said it to Dean…

(also of note, there’s A LOT in [my 12.11 tag](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%2012.11) that’s relevant to this episode as well)

I’ve typically discussed what this episode means for Dean’s low opinion of himself, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before, but heck if Dean’s dream version of Sam isn’t just about the most painful thing ever.

Aside from the heartbreaking fact that Sam and Dean have nothing in common and aren’t close at all in this world, that Dean’s always been a “troublemaker” and sort of a jerk, the version of Sam that Dean’s brain creates has to be based on his own perceptions of how he sees Sam in reality.

Sam wanted to have that normal life, go to law school,  _and be able to live without ever knowing the supernatural existed at all_. And because of that, the entire foundation for everything else in their lives has been wiped away. Dean’s protective instinct for Sam wouldn’t have been a part of their lives.

It’s not like hunting was the only thing they had in common or the only thing that bound them together as family. It just happened to be the foundation of everything ELSE. 

If they’d grown up “normal,” the way Mary wanted, Dean may have been able to imagine a different sort of relationship with Sam than this warped and practically nonexistent version from his dream. But they didn’t, and Dean has no frame of reference for even imagining such a scenario where he was anything other than the person he’s always been. But in his dream, with no other foundation to base his relationship with Sam on, with hunting and the supernatural gone from their lives entirely, there’s just… nothing there.

*stops to cry for five minutes*

(what a freaking hollow and horrible thing, like Dean was willing to sacrifice his own life and happiness to give Sam a shot to achieve HIS version of happiness– no hunting, no supernatural, college, normal life.)

**SAM** Great. Just… stop the car.  
 **DEAN** It’s the truth, Sam. All right, there are things out there in the dark. There – there – there are bad things. There are nightmare things. And people have to be saved and if we don’t save them, then nobody will.  
 **SAM** Look, I wanna help you, all right. I-I really, really do, but you’re having some kind of psychotic breakdown, so, I … just –  
 **DEAN** I wish.  
 **SAM** picks up his phone and starts dialing a number. DEAN rolls down his window, grabs SAM’s phone, throws it out, and then rolls up the window again.  
 **SAM** What the hell was that, Dean? That was my phone!  
 **DEAN** I’m not going to a rubber room, Sammy. And we got work to do.  
 **SAM** What? I was just trying to help you out, Dean. I don’t, I don’t want you to get yourself hurt.  
 **DEAN** What? You protect me?  
 **SAM** Yeah!  
 **DEAN** (laughs) Oh, that’s hilarious. Why don’t you just sit tight and try not to get us both killed.

In his dream, “Sam” is 100% convinced that Dean is delusional. He tries to get Dean to stop, to “listen to reason” and to “accept that he’s not seeing reality.”

This is how Dean believes that Sam sees him. And really, it says more about Dean himself, because this dream reality was based entirely on Dean’s perceptions and beliefs, warped to fit into this version of reality the djinn forced him to experience.

One where Sam doesn’t trust him. Where Sam thinks he knows the truth– about Dean, about life in general– but the truth about Dean isn’t this surface level “jerk” who stole his prom date and swiped his ATM card, that he has nothing in common with and doesn’t care about anyone.

Basically Dean’s subconscious is calling out “Performing Dean” proving to himself that it IS a performance. That this wasn’t who Dean really is, just the veneer he tries to project to the world.

Because what we DO see of Dean when he’s alone in this dream world is pretty much the relaxed and comfortable version of Dean we all know lurks under the surface of the macho bad boy hunter he shows the world.

The guy who can’t let go of the fact that in this world he had nothing to prove to himself that he was worth a good god damn. Everyone he’d ever saved, everyone he’d ever protected, had suffered and died in this universe. And that was too much of a trade for him to accept, even if it meant giving up Mary for. Even if it meant Sam wouldn’t have his shot at the life he’d always proclaimed to want. Even if Dean had a shot to be “respectable.”

And Carmen, the imaginary girl from the El Sol poster with a generic blank slate of a personality, tells Dean she loves him… because all he really wants is for someone to love him. Anyone. Who it is almost doesn’t matter at all.

**SAM** Yeah… I thought it was supposed to, to be this perfect fantasy.  
DEAN It wasn’t. It was just a wish. I wished for Mom to live. That Mom never died, we never went hunting and you and me just never uh… you know.  
SAM Yeah. Well, I’m glad we do. And I’m glad you dug yourself out, Dean. Most people wouldn’t’ve had the strength, would have just stayed.  
 **DEAN** Yeah… Lucky me. I gotta tell you though, man. You know, you had Jess. Mom was gonna have grandkids…  
 **SAM** Yeah, but… Dean… it wasn’t real.  
 **DEAN** I know. But I wanted to stay. (DEAN looks sad, lost.) I wanted to stay so bad. I mean, ever since Dad… all I c– all I can think about is how much this job’s cost us. (pause) We’ve lost so much. We’ve… sacrificed so much.  
 **SAM** But people are alive because of you. (DEAN scoffs.) It’s worth it, Dean. It is. It’s not fair, and… you know, it hurts like hell, but… it’s worth it.

 

 

[Apr 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159193769350/307-hubris-is-bad-and-sometimes-the-human-is)

27 notes

3.07: Hubris is bad, and sometimes the human is the real monster… or just becomes one…

aka Sammy gets to kill Vampire Gordon with razor wire

Like, everything in this episode is relevant to s12.

Much like the werewolf in 12.16, the vampire in 3.07 was turning women because someone (probably Gordon) had killed the rest of his family.

**VAMPIRE** : I was desperate! You ever felt desperate? (shot of DEAN’s face) I’ve lost everyone I ever loved. I’m staring down eternity alone. (shot of DEAN’s face) Can you think of a worse hell?  
 **DEAN** : Well, there’s Hell.  
 **VAMPIRE** : I wasn’t thinking. I just … I didn’t care anymore. Do you know it’s like when you just don’t give a damn? It’s like … it’s like being dead already. So just go ahead. (looks down at DEAN’s knife) Do it.

And in s12 this is the exact sort of situation the MoL’s genocides are stirring up in the monster population. Hubris is bad.

(I think that’s becoming my favorite sentence for describing s12. Hubris is bad.)

Because Sam and Dean already know at this point that not all vampires are evil, it’s about the choices they make. Same’s true of people. Sometimes it’s the people that are monstrous and the monsters who are far more human (or at least humane).

Even Lucy the vampire who’d been turned against her will, Sam and Dean were interrogating her, but also trying to convince her of the truth about the “drug” she’d taken and couldn’t come down from. 

It’s also the Brit who sends Gordon after Sam and Dean (to make him leave HER alone, figuring Sam and Dean will take care of him for her). Shady deal. A sort of low-level hubris. She didn’t expect Gordon to bring backup. She didn’t bother WARNING Sam and Dean that she’d given up their location to Gordon because she assumed he’d go after them alone and they’d take him out. Because they’re killers, right? And good at their jobs? She didn’t think very much of Gordon, and she shouldn’t have underestimated him.

Those crazy British folk, underestimating the monstrous… sort of like Gordon underestimated the vampire who turned him…

**VAMPIRE** : I do what I have to. We’re a dying breed. But then, you know that, don’t you Gordon? Gordon. Walker. One of the greatest living vampire hunters.  
 **GORDON** : In the flesh.  
 **VAMPIRE** : You’re a big part of why my people are nearly extinct, Gordon.  
 **GORDON** (scoffs) Your “people” are going extinct because you’re a bunch of mindless, bloodthirsty animals.  
 **VAMPIRE** : Right. We’re so much more bloodthirsty than you. Hunters slaughtered my entire nest like they were having a party. Murdered my daughter. I can’t tell you how satisfying this is… catching a hunter responsible for so many deaths and making you lunch for my new daughters.

Oh, delicious irony! Because Gordon is who he is, he just keeps taunting. The vampire, in a fit of rage, turns him into the thing he hated so much.

Meanwhile, Dean’s in kamikaze mode, using himself as bait and acting very cavalier about his own life and safety. Sam calls him out on it for the “performance” it is, pointing out that it’s not about Dean not caring for his own life and safety, but an act to hide the real fear he’s feeling. Dean tries to deny it at first, but eventually relents and admits Sam is right.

Meanwhile, Gordon’s uses the fact he’s become a vampire as an excuse to drop all pretense that his actions aren’t monstrous. He’s the sociopath that Ketch is in s12, just not quite so good at putting on a socially acceptable face most of the time. When he’s turned, it’s not being a vampire that makes him a monster, it’s dropping that veneer of humanity that had always been his “performance.”

He accuses Sam of not being human. Like he’d once told Dean back in 2.03 that they were “the same,” that they were both killers, he now says that to Sam because they’re both “monsters.” Gordon killed his friend Kubrick without hesitation. He didn’t NEED to kill him, even when Kubrick was trying to kill him for having been turned.

He kidnaps an innocent woman to use as bait to lure Sam and Dean out, and then does the same thing to her that the vampire had done to him. She was bait, but she was also part of his trap. 

Dean tries to save her, and ends up having to shoot her with the Colt.

By the end of the episode, now that Dean’s not trying to put on that cavalier act, he can spend his energy doing something useful, like making sure Sam knows how to take care of Baby.

 

 

Apr 4, 2017

18 notes

3.08: or, Sam, why are you the boy that hates Christmas?

(It’s because he not only associates it with the loss of his childhood since it was the day he found out the truth about the supernatural and his family’s job as hunters, but he also knows it’s the last Christmas he’ll ever get to spend with Dean before he goes to Hell for the rest of eternity… or so we’re supposed to believe… >.>)

In 3.07, Sam called Dean out on his “performance” of all that reckless behavior, identifying the underlying fear of his impending trip to Hell as the source of it. Dean accepts Sam’s evaluation of the situation and drops the performance.

And now one episode later he’s all nostalgic about Christmas and acting in ways that really weird Sam out, almost as much as the reckless behavior did. Yet… Sam doesn’t call him out on this as a performance, just wonders  _why now_? 

Dean admits that it’s because its his last chance to enjoy the holiday. Sam can’t because he also knows it’s his last holiday with Dean. Kinda takes the shine off things knowing Dean’ll be in hell next Christmas.

But Dean in this episode… I was just talking with Lizbob about how this is possibly the first time he DELIBERATELY walks into a place already planning to portray himself and Sam as a queer couple. The shop where the meadowsweet wreaths were sold. Meanwhile Sam’s weirded out by the entire exchange.

(the shopkeeper tells Sam, “Aren’t you the fussy one?” Sam rolls his eyes and sucks it up, while Dean’s just… enjoying himself and rolling with it.)

He does the same thing when they go to interview the Carrigans about the wreaths, too. Not only do the Carrigans seem like “normal folks,” they’ve practically become a caricature of “normal” in order to blend in.

**MR CARRIGAN** : Hear how they talk to us? Heh heh. To Gods? Listen, pal, back in the day, we were worshiped by millions.  
 **DEAN** : Time have changed!  
 **MR CARRIGAN** : Tell me about it. All of a sudden, this Jesus character is the hot new thing in town. All of a sudden, our – our altars are being burned down, and we’re being hunted down like common monsters.  
 **MADGE** : But did we say a peep? Oh ho ho, no, no, no, we did not. Two millennium. We kept a low profile; we got jobs, a mortgage. Wh-What was that word, dear?  
 **MR CARRIGAN** : We assimilated.  
 **MADGE** : Yeah, we assimilated. Why, we play bridge on Tuesday and Fridays. We’re just like everybody else.  
 **DEAN** : You’re not blending in as smooth as you think, lady.

But we see it’s all an act.

Sam and Dean escape and pull apart the Carrigans’ Christmas tree, turning their “performance” of normality into the weapon that kills them.

By the end, Sam’s decorated their room for Christmas and has bought egg nog and presents, allowing himself this last bittersweet Christmas with Dean. They both seem to acknowledge that it’s a little bit of a performance, but they do it anyway.

This is also where we see that Christmas is not only about the official end Sam’s childhood innocence where he learned about the hunting, but it’s also when he gives Dean the samulet. And we learn it had originally been intended as a present for John…

Not only is that thing probably one of the few gifts Dean has ever received (I mean, aside from motor oil and a candy bar…), but Dean was the one who told Sam the truth about their family after John had kept it from him his entire life. Dean earned the amulet, in Sam’s eyes. Because Dean was the one who was always there for him. This was the moment Sam acknowledged– whether consciously or not– that Dean was his parental figure. And isn’t that at least nine kinds of horrifying.

(There’s a very good reason I hate the freaking samulet and everything it stands for)

And yeah, these monsters turned out to be pagan gods wearing a mask of humanity, but it’s just showing how most monsters DO try to “assimilate.” And sometimes you don’t even know they’re there. They’re part of your bridge group, or your book club… (okay, on that note I’m moving on to 3.09).

 

[Apr 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159198346720/310-aka-sam-tries-to-be-more-like-dean-by-going)

27 notes

3.10 aka Sam Tries To Be More Like Dean

By going to a bar and getting sloppy drunk on whiskey.

SAM: No, that’s not what I mean. I mean, no one can save you, because you don’t wanna be saved. (pause) I mean, how can you care so little about yourself?

(pictures Cas in 4.01 squinting at Dean and realizing that Dean doesn’t beliee he deserves to be saved…)

So the boys start this episode off behind the eight ball and spend the first half of it playing catch-up to where Bobby’s investigation had led him before he’d fallen into some sort of mysterious coma. Which is already unsettling, for someone or something to have gotten the drop on Bobby who’s usually unassailable as a hunter.

They have his incomplete research, because Bobby probably hadn’t even known he’d been affected by the “monster” (again, A REGULAR OLD HUMAN BEING!) until it was too late. The most significant clue he’d left behind was the latin name of the African Dream Root plant, which meant nothing to Sam and Dean out of context.

Just like Bobby, Dean doesn’t suspect that this “innocent” human could be responsible for the supernatural weirdness, and thus like Bobby, Dean falls victim to it… by accepting a beer, leaving behind enough of his spit on the bottle for Jeremy to enter and manipulate Dean’s dreams.

In Bobby’s dream, the only reason he was able to survive as long as he did while the “Homicidal Sandman” was actively trying to kill him with his own nightmares was because of Bobby’s hunting skills.

Just as Jeremy lied about himself (everything from how he’d received the head injury that caused his inability to dream to the fact that he’d been kicked out of the dreamroot study and not dropped out because it had scared him), Bela’s “helping them out” by bringing them the dreamroot “for Bobby’s sake” because of some personal debt over something that went down in Flagstaff had been a complete lie to get her foot in the door with them again.

Like Mary in 12.12, lying to Sam and Dean about EVERYTHING having to do with that hunt in order to steal the Colt on behalf of a shady British dude (Ketch), Bela also used this entire deception to steal the Colt on behalf of a shady British dude (Crowley)…

Meanwhile, we also find out about Bobby’s Hunter Origin Story, that he killed his wife because he hadn’t known how to save her. Kinda explains why he became such a master of all the lore, no? And why his original specialty had been demons. But he hadn’t been able to save her, and he was determined never to let that happen again. Knowledge is power.

(which ties in to abusive parents– also associated with Bobby and the Winchesters– but also to the fact that this is the first time we hear Dean tell Bobby he’s like a father to him, which he says while trying to convince Bobby they’re trapped in his dream. It works, incidentally, proving the truth of Dean’s assertion)

Like father like son though, because Dean and Bobby both had fallen for the same trick and drunk the beer that could give Jeremy power over them in their dreams.

When Sam volunteers to go into the dream with Dean in order to protect him, the same way Dean had with Bobby– because he wasn’t under Jeremy’s control yet and became the outside voice of reason that had saved Bobby– Dean’s reason for not wanting Sam there is telling:

**SAM** (fiddling with DEAN’s hairs) Comin’ in with you.  
 **DEAN** : No, you’re not.  
 **SAM** : Why not? At least then it’ll be two against one.  
DEAN doesn’t have a response first, opening and closing his mouth.  
 **DEAN** : 'Cause I don’t want you digging around in my head.  
 **SAM** : Too bad.

Dean’s got an incredible force of will, as we well know. Despite being the one who’d technically been under Jeremy’s control in the dream, Dean was able to keep away from both Sam AND Jeremy in the dream.

Sam might see the same scene of Lisa telling Dean she loves him, but he saw NOTHING about Dean confronting his demon self.

Nor does Dean know about how Sam manipulated Jeremy’s dream, conjuring his abusive father to gain the upper hand, killing Jeremy in his sleep just like he’d tried to do to Sam. Meanwhile, Dean’s demon self gives him a lecture on the truth of stuff, including the fact that Dean didn’t deserve what John put on him.

* * *

Controversial interpretation time: Dean never dreamed that thing with Lisa. That was part of Sam’s dream. Because nothing in the episode contradicts this theory. :P Dean’s personal dream doesn’t kick in until we see him appear in the hallway of the motel and finds his demon self to confront. Because we see Sam freak out in the original part of the dream where Lisa had ALSO disappeared before Dean did… but then we see him “wake up” in the Impala believing Dean was by his side again, only to see that it’s Jeremy in the driver’s seat.

Sam was the one who was embarrassed and trying to hide the truth about his dreams throughout this episode, like the one he’d had about Bela that Dean tried to teasingly call him out on. He looked just as shifty when Dean asked him about what he dreamed at the end of the episode. NEITHER of them mentioned Lisa. And frankly, this would’ve been the PERFECT time for Sam to try and lighten the mood by teasing Dean back about what he thought was their “shared” dream of Lisa… but even SAM recognized the fact that Lisa was HIS dream about Dean and not DEAN’S dream… so he said nothing. Dean confirmed his dream began at the point where he was looking for Sam in the woods.

**DEAN** : Hey, Sam. I was wondering. When you were in my head, what did you see?  
 **SAM** : Uh, just Jeremy. He kept me separated from you. Easier to beat my brains out that way, I guess.  
(DEAN scoffs)  
What about you? You never said.  
(DEAN shakes his head.)  
 **DEAN** : Nothing. I was looking for you the whole time.

Because as far as Dean knew, Sam hadn’t seen ANY of his dream. If Dean had dreamt about Lisa there, he would’ve known Sam had “seen” it too. And he wouldn’t have had to ask what Sam had seen…

 

[Apr 11, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159457843980/413-a-game-with-one-simple-rule-dodge-waves)

31 notes

4.13: A game with one simple rule: DODGE.

(waves hello at Dabb again… this was his second episode, after 4.06)

Considering how much I know I’ve written about this episode, I have shockingly little[ in my tag](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%204.13) for it… I constantly resent my Past Self for not being a better tagger…)

This case also shows us some horribly painful memories of Sam and Dean’s high school era lives. And a lot of it hinges on perception, and wrong impressions based on not being able to see the full picture.

They believe it’s a straightforward case of Sam’s bullied friend as a vengeful spirit, taking revenge on bullies. He has to burn the bones of this boy who’d been his friend, who Sam had stood up for when they were kids.

And like the ghost in 4.06– whom they wrongly assumed was going after people who were “dicks,” but was ACTUALLY targeting people who were harboring guilty secrets in their past, which was why Dean’s hallucinations by the end of the ghost sickness were of Lilith, and him being sent back to Hell, not to be tortured but  _to be the torturer himself again_ – they wrongly assume this ghost was targeting “bullies,” aka the high school equivalent of 4.06′s “dicks.”

But burning Barry’s bones doesn’t stop the killings. Not to mention that despite Dean’s “bullying-coded” behavior, the ghost targets SAM. Because Sam had once fought back against this particular bully. He hadn’t known the kid’s full story, like most kids in high school, that Dirk lashed out at school to feel like he had any sort of power and control in his own life while he was the primary caregiver for his dying mother. And in fighting him that one day in school, Sam took away that last bit of power he felt he had.

But Sam was given this bit of advice from his teacher:

**MR. WYATT** : Well… I don’t want to overstep my bounds here, but… you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Look, I mean, I know what it’s like. I come from a family of surgeons, and that wasn’t me. So, you know, I traded in the money and prestige of being a doctor for all the glamour you see around you. But the point is… there may be three or four big choices that shape someone’s whole life, and you need to be the one that makes them, not anyone else. You seem like a great kid, Sam. Just live the life you want to live.

But this episode demonstrates that those choices– any choices– don’t happen in a vacuum, and they may have unintended consequences if made impulsively and based on less than the full truth.

We watch Dean’s “performing Dean” persona take a hit in this episode too. John apparently left them in this town longer than normal, and longer than expected. He sabotaged his relationship with her when it started to become too real. Unfortunately John STILL hadn’t returned to whisk him and Sam off to the next hunt, in the next town, and Dean was forced to face the very real consequences of his behavior, getting called out in a crowded hallway:

**AMANDA** :  I’m not mad, Dean. I thought maybe… underneath your whole “I could give a crap,” bad-boy thing, that there was something more going on. I mean, like the way you are with your brother. But I was wrong. And you spend so much time trying to convince people that you’re cool, but it’s just an act. We both know that you’re just a sad… lonely little kid. And I feel sorry for you, Dean.

And yeah, Dean feels sorry for himself, too. Because she wasn’t wrong about him. There is something more going on with Dean, but Sam’s the only constant in his life. Dean knows he can’t afford to show anyone else the sad, lonely little kid beneath the surface, because they’re never gonna stick around anywhere long enough to make it worth it for him. So instead he takes what he can get.

**SAM** : You told me that I didn’t have to go into the family business. You said I should make my own choices.  
 **MR**.  **WYATT** : So you’ve managed to do your own thing, then, huh?  
 **SAM** : Yeah, for a while, yeah. And I think I went to college because of you. But, you know, people grow up.  
 **MR**.  **WYATT** : Yeah.  
 **SAM** : Responsibilities. But still, um… you took an interest in me when no one else did. That matters, so thank you.  
 **MR**.  **WYATT** : Well, you know, the only thing that really matters is that you’re happy. Are you happy, Sam?

Well, he’s trying to be happy, at least. Even in s12. And I do think he’s starting to see a different, better picture of what the future might look for himself. He still doesn’t have all the facts yet, and is still making hasty choices based on the surface appearance (like choosing to work with the BMoL, trusting Mick, calling Ketch taking the rogue hunter off to “punish” him “GOOD.”) but he’s seeing more and more behind that curtain, and he DOES have some genuinely good things going for him now. Is he happy now? I think he’s at least getting there.

And Dean? He’s shedding that Performing Dean persona more than he ever has in the past, and he seems to be finding ways to reconcile his own past with what he wants for his future. Now it’s all a matter of truly believing that he deserves it.

 

[Apr 13, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159548214210/so-we-never-saw-dean-eat-anything-other-than-the)

43 notes

So we never saw Dean eat anything (other than the hot coffee he used as a really lame flirtation device, even for Dean) at the diner that first night, but the next morning he comes in and steals Sam’s breakfast. It looks like some sort of egg white omelette with vegetables in it (which Dean has pronounced to be terrible back during s10). He eats it with GUSTO until he uses the excuse of Sam talking about the slippery meat or whatever to push the omelette away as if that killed his appetite.

But later in the episode, after they’ve BEEN at a meat packing facility and seen all the “slippery meat” up close and personal, Sam finds Dean wolfing down a burger at that diner, drowning it in ketchup like he did back in 5.14 before he LOST his appetite, and asks him how he even has an appetite after what they’d seen at the meat factory.

“Grow up, Sam. Burger’s beef, bacon’s pig, soylent green is people. But this… this, this is heaven.”

And he takes a huge bite.

(also note he’s changed out of his Cas-coded outfit… with the dark and light diagonal stripe tie and the plaid under his shirt collar that he’d been wearing before.)

 

spn 12.18

 

[parallels there...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/seriously-i-got-distracted-seeing-the-real-world-parallels-there...) [revenge of the subtext](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/revenge-of-the-subtext) [silent storytelling](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/silent-storytelling) [this is a jerry wanek appreciation blog](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-is-a-jerry-wanek-appreciation-blog)

[Apr 14, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159579437145/floralmotif-constiellation-so-i-took-a)

3,690 notes

[floralmotif](https://floralmotif.tumblr.com/post/159570997222/constiellation-so-i-took-a-closer-look-at-sams):

> [constiellation](http://constiellation.tumblr.com/post/159565905336/so-i-took-a-closer-look-at-sams-email-inbox-and):
>
>> so i took a closer look at sam’s email inbox and noticed that dean once sent him a video about professional eating contest lol
>> 
>>   
> 
> 
> Huh… Biggerson’s… didn’t Biggerson’s used to be more prominent? 
> 
> Didn’t they mean some sort of something? 
> 
> Probably just a cute call back here, but it’s fun to think about. 
> 
> Also, Dean and his emails… pfft.

Biggersons was once owned by Dick Roman and Roman Enterprises, and even back in 3.03 it’s where Sam’s luck turned bad because Bela stole the rabbit’s foot from him there. And where Dean ate the TDK slammer that turned him into a stoned idiot (but at least he didn’t care that he didn’t care about having lost Cas… he was just numb to it).

The eating contest reminds me of 9.13, which sort of ended horribly for the professional eaters in the episode… Since Dean’s comment to Sam on this email is “This competition ends horribly.” Especially in the context of all the weird food-related subtext in 12.18 itself.

Dean “competed” with Sam at that diner over Sam’s breakfast. They had a little back and forth where Dean stole Sam’s breakfast, made a yucky-face about the quality of Sam’s breakfast choice (egg whites and vegetables!), and Sam tried to steal it back from him. In the end he let Dean have it but “one-upped” the competition by trying to gross Dean out with the description of the satyr, at which point Dean conceded with a grossed-out look on his face and shoved the plate away.

Which is strange, considering later in the episode immediately after they experienced all that slippery meat up close and personal at the factory, Dean was the OPPOSITE of grossed out (like Sam expressed HE was and had lost his appetite), but talking about meat (including people meat) as if it was a very matter of fact thing for him, slathered his burger with a crime-scene splat of ketchup and called it “heaven.”

So what was up with the breakfast battle and posturing over the eggs? If Dean’s not grossed out and even makes jokes about soylent green being people after visiting the meat factory and gleefully consuming a burger? Why would he feel the need to create that “competition” over Sam’s chosen food?

This was the same sort of pointless competition Dean initiates with the Rochambeau games, but this time he let Sam “win” over breakfast, but then showed his entire hand over lunch. Subtly demonstrating to Sam that what he’d played at over breakfast was a charade entirely for Sam’s benefit and not “reality.” Breakfast was Performing Dean, but with the burger not only did he not “perform,” he showed Sam the entire trick.

eta like an hour and a half after the fact: Biggerson’s was also the restaurant in 5.14 (which we’ve already mentioned A LOT in context with 12.18) where Famine was holed up, where Cas gave in completely to his craving for red meat, and where Famine told Dean he was “dead inside.” So…

  

 

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.18) [silent storytelling](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/silent-storytelling) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [spn 9.13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.13) [spn 10.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.11) [for the last time dean made the yucky face at an egg white omelette](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/for-the-last-time-dean-made-the-yucky-face-at-an-egg-white-omelette) [spn 3.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-3.03) [spn 7.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-7.09) [sanitized for sammy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sanitized-for-sammy) [is getting unsanitized](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/is-getting-unsanitized) [even in these very small ways but if he's paying attention Dean is giving him these little lessons about himself... the REAL him](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/even-in-these-very-small-ways-but-if-he%27s-paying-attention-Dean-is-giving-him-these-little-lessons-about-himself...-the-REAL-him) [spn 5.14](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.14)

[Apr 15, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159603401950/so-hi-im-not-at-all-involved-in-spn-meta-world)

70 notes

**Anonymous asked: So hi I'm not at all involved in spn meta world but I saw a post or two about the horseman famine episode with the sex and burger and how Dean claimed when he was hungry for something he'd feed himself and here he is now feeding himself multiple things. Work, weapons, sex, food. He even grosses himself out when the food is wrong. He's craving something or his worry for Cas and he's trying to fill the empty. Right? His behavior is 100% understandable and explainable.**

Yeah, the most recent four posts in my tag for [5.14 ](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%205.14)(My Bloody Valentine, the episode with Famine) are all about 12.18.

(I guess once this posts, it’ll be five…)

**SAM** I thought famine meant starvation, like as in, you know, food.  
 **CASTIEL** Yes. Absolutely. But not just food. I mean, everyone seems to be starving for something–Sex, attention, drugs, love…

I don’t think that’s meant to be an exhaustive list of the things people might be “starving” for, either, just like the list of “human things” he gave Hannah in 10.01 wasn’t meant to be the  _entirety_  of human things that angels don’t understand (art, hope, love, dreams).

This time there was no magical outside force at work on Dean, just his own internal issues. I already wrote about that some in [this post](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159584962895/i-struggle-with-dean-still-doing-random-hookups).

This struck me equally hard as a parallel for Dean’s tendency to self-medicate his problems. Sometimes it’s through actual medication (like the time he offered Sam a bottle of random pills and when questioned what they are Dean only replies, “effective.”) He’s long ago learned how to manage these sorts of problems for himself. His whole life, he really didn’t have the time or space (heh) to have the same sort of extreme reaction to his situation that Sam did in running away from hunting and going to college.

And heck, this strikes me as both a “parental” thing and a depression/anxiety/insert the mental health issue of your choice here coping method. And it’s ALSO part of the reason why sublimation has been one of his go-to coping strategies. He couldn’t usually show any of this “weakness” to Sam, as the most consistent parental figure in Sam’s life. It was easier to just play off a lot of his coping strategies as who he was as a person instead of admitting that they WERE coping strategies.

And heck now I’m sadly thinking of 4.13 again, where we see Dean’s difficulties. John has abandoned them for a much longer time than normal, Dean’s stuck in this school watching over Sam while also worried about John and angry about having been left behind again, and he plays it all off as this “bad boy” character who doesn’t care about anything. The other students, like Sam’s friend Paul and initially the girl Dean is interested in, think he’s “cool,” but we eventually see through it here.

Amanda calls him out, saying she thought there was something more to Dean because of how he relates to his brother (kind, caring, gentle, etc.), but he enacts his womanizing persona and goes after another girl because things were actually getting too serious with her. He wasn’t allowed to have a serious relationship with anyone, but he was never going to stick around long enough for that. John would come back, and he’d have to drop everything and disappear again. Just like with Robin in 9.07. It was a self defense mechanism against being hurt again, but he still needed that kind of comfort and reassurance that comes from human touch, you know? So he got really good at satisfying that need.

And it’s part of his self-medication arsenal, along with drugs, with fighting, with using food this way, along with hustling pool (because hey it not only satisfies that need to be good at something and score a win, but also keep the family afloat), with hunting in general. We often see him trying to work out a problem or distract himself from a problem he can’t solve by maintaining his weapons (sharpening a knife, cleaning a gun, or a whole arsenal of guns) like at the beginning of 12.18.

But because these are coping strategies he uses in order to avoid having “chick flick moments,” (and yes, we know he loves chick flicks and so does Sam), the only way he can avoid a chick flick moment of his own with Sam (who is always pushing him to talk about his issues rather than act out), is to have made his coping strategies seem like another normal part of his personality.

This goes to the foundations of “Performing Dean.” He is absolutely not that jerk Sam has laughed about who gets weird about food or sex or whatever coping strategy he’s employing at the time. I mean, going all the way back to 1.03 Sam didn’t get that Dean WASN’T just being Dean and creepily hitting on Andrea like he’d been ogling their waitress at the beginning of the episode. Seeing the way Dean treated Lucas was shocking to him, and showed him a side of Dean that Dean largely kept hidden from Sam… because it was a side that had RAISED Sam, essentially.

But now in s12, Sam is finally seeing Dean drop that performance a little bit. He only seems to haul it out when he’s seeking out one of his go-to coping tools. In 12.18 it was almost like watching two different Deans. The worried, meticulously cleaning all the guns while getting frustrated about a lack of communication from Cas version, which led directly to his abrupt dropping of everything related to researching the case to get his fix (sleeping with Carmen, then having his weird food battle with Sam, finally ending when all his needs were satisfied when he got that burger), and then everything that happened after that. And it all hinged on what he said to Sam in the conversation at the lunch counter right after visiting the meat factory:

**Sam:** Seriously, Dean? After what we just saw? How– how can you eat?  
 **Dean:**  Grow up, Sam, okay? Burger’s beef, bacon’s pig, Soylent Green’s people. But this – this… This is Heaven.  
 **Sam** : (going on a face journey of ew) Wow… right…Um, so… uh, What’s the word, you find anything?

All while “Burgers and Fries” plays in the background: “Burgers and fries, cherry pies, it was simple and good back then.”

And Sam’s a bit shocked not only at Dean’s words and his ability to keep eating when he “should’ve been” grossed out, but at Dean’s  _tone of voice_. At first with the “Grow up, Sam, okay?” he sounds at the very least frustrated that Sam doesn’t get the nuances of Dean’s performance yet. Because part of that performance has always been Sam openly joking about what a jerk Dean can be, or how gross he is sometimes, and Dean is normally content to play along and joke right back. Like, haha yeah I’m just a walking stereotype nothing to see here just keep moving along as you were people just Dean being Dean.

And right here, Dean’s trying to show Sam that it’s not always or entirely something to joke about. It might have been simple and good back then, but it’s not anymore.

I think this is just another instance of Dean showing Sam something more truthful about himself, and he doesn’t appreciate being teased about it as if it was just another “Dean being gross and weird” sort of thing.

At the beginning of 12.18 while he was cleaning the Colt, Sam had been responding to Dean’s concern about Cas with reassurances, and the “he’ll be fine, he always is,” sort of thing before Dean changed the subject to finding Dagon.

Sam says he’s been up all night looking at books on demons, while we’re left to wonder what DEAN was doing all night if he wasn’t looking at books on demons. But he just TOLD us what he’s been doing… he’s been looking for Cas (well, with the limited tools available to human beings looking for angels who don’t seem to want to be found and might not even be alive if they were hunting Dagon who seems to be able to vaporize angels with her mind…)

And we see that worry play out in his behavior, getting antsier and more distracted from the case, relying on his Kill Everything (but five things) Gun to take care of the case for him, and seeking out his drug of choice to help him deal with his worry.

Just like he said in 5.14, when he wants something, he gets it. When he has a need, he fills it. Maybe not with the  _right_  thing to take care of the underlying problem that’s causing the need, but with the sort of temporary fix that he’s learned will help him cope.

And whoa yeah that’s no way to live, but Dean seems to recognize this too. It’s just he doesn’t really have a way to solve that underlying problem right now in the middle of this other case, but even with the Colt, hunting gods can get you real dead real fast if you’re too distracted by those problems to do the job properly.

I don’t even remember what the question was at this point. But here have a patented Mittens Rambling Mess Of Tangents. :P

s[pn 5.14](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.14) [spn 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.18) [spn 1.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.03) [spn 4.13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.13) [spn 9.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.07) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [sanitized for sammy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sanitized-for-sammy) [the story became the story](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-story-became-the-story) [breaking the codependency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/breaking-the-codependency)

 

[dean vs pie vs cake](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-vs-pie-vs-cake) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual)

[Nov 29, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/134211326900/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from)

370 notes

**Anonymous asked: "Hey, Dean," Sam turns to face his brother from his spot on the little motel dining table. He points at a bunch of book marks in the side of the web browser, "What's this?" He squints and turns to read, "Dr. Sexy and Dr. Novak Drunk Sex (Ft. Dr. Sexy boots)? And this one. Dr. Sexy boots ft. Dr. Piccolo. And this, Dean Winchester Sexy Boots Gets Sexed By His Angel (Purgatory Sex). Care to expl-Dean?" He turns to find the motel door gaping and the impala rumblings down the street. "Mother fucker."**

[elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/134204835468/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from):

> [f-ckyeahfutbol](http://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/134189691641/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from):
>
>> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/134189127602/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from):
>>
>>> [f-ckyeahfutbol](http://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/134187427821/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from):
>>>
>>>> Dean is also the one that read the Supernatural books whereas Sam did not. Chances of Dean having read the fanfic that maybe isn’t fanfic that Charlie mentioned is high.
>>>> 
>>>> Also of him having read some of the Supernatural fanfic Marie said she’d give him links for. He’s read all of that crap.
>>> 
>>> Of course Dean has read spn fanfiction. You don’t have multiple people telling him about it and even promising to send him links just like that…
>> 
>> Also, both the sending of fanfic links and this ‘I read!’ assertion are Robbie Thompson episodes.
>> 
>> Bets on whether he was wearing the short shorts because he’d read a fic about “25 ways to entice your angel”.
> 
> In the least surprising plot twist of 2015, Lizzy reblogs [@mittensmorgul](http://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg)‘s tags:
> 
> [sure dean reads fanfic but that surprise when sam tells him nothing ever gets deleted from the internet makes me think he’s written some](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sure-dean-reads-fanfic-but-that-surprise-when-sam-tells-him-nothing-ever-gets-deleted-from-the-internet-makes-me-think-he%27s-written-some) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [yeah i know that line was probably about crowley’s flickr albums but really it could be applied to so many things](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yeah-i-know-that-line-was-probably-about-crowley%27s-flickr-albums-but-really-it-could-be-applied-to-so-many-things) [because this is a man who keeps his porn collection meticulously organized and isn’t embarrassed at all when charlie goes through it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-this-is-a-man-who-keeps-his-porn-collection-meticulously-organized-and-isn%27t-embarrassed-at-all-when-charlie-goes-through-it) [someone who doesn’t hesitate to admit that he reads and then quotes everything from aesop to bukowski](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/someone-who-doesn%27t-hesitate-to-admit-that-he-reads-and-then-quotes-everything-from-aesop-to-bukowski) [someone who has a legitimate excuse for all his erratic behavior during his time as a demon yet was still embarrassed by it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/someone-who-has-a-legitimate-excuse-for-all-his-erratic-behavior-during-his-time-as-a-demon-yet-was-still-embarrassed-by-it) [what was so embarrassing? being with the woman Ann Marie? getting a little handsy with the stripper lady? being extra punchy with douches?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/what-was-so-embarrassing%3F-being-with-the-woman-Ann-Marie%3F-getting-a-little-handsy-with-the-stripper-lady%3F-being-extra-punchy-with-douches%3F) [someone who uses pickup lines to antagonize cops holding him in custody](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/someone-who-uses-pickup-lines-to-antagonize-cops-holding-him-in-custody) [someone who’s almost never able to resist throwing sexual innuendo around](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/someone-who%27s-almost-never-able-to-resist-throwing-sexual-innuendo-around) [what could POSSIBLY embarrass Dean Winchester? Hmmm. Let’s think for a moment.](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/what-could-POSSIBLY-embarrass-Dean-Winchester%3F-Hmmm.-Let%27s-think-for-a-moment.) [doctor. doctor. doctor… doctor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/doctor.-doctor.-doctor...-doctor)[it wasn’t dean being starstruck that flustered him meeting dr. sexy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it-wasn%27t-dean-being-starstruck-that-flustered-him-meeting-dr.-sexy) [i still think that if sam hadn’t been standing right there dean’s interaction with dr. sexy would’ve been quite different](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-still-think-that-if-sam-hadn%27t-been-standing-right-there-dean%27s-interaction-with-dr.-sexy-would%27ve-been-quite-different) [and it’s even possible that dean sort of encouraged sam NOT to read the supernatural books](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-it%27s-even-possible-that-dean-sort-of-encouraged-sam-NOT-to-read-the-supernatural-books) [that line about him being ‘full frontal’ in route 666 sounds like quite the deterrent to want to read about your brother’s sex life in 3D](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-line-about-him-being-%27full-frontal%27-in-route-666-sounds-like-quite-the-deterrent-to-want-to-read-about-your-brother%27s-sex-life-in-3D) [but it didn’t stop DEAN from reading](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-it-didn%27t-stop-DEAN-from-reading) [and who knows what other details Chuck put in his books](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-who-knows-what-other-details-Chuck-put-in-his-books) [things like Dean’s pov internal monologues and innermost thoughts](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/things-like-Dean%27s-pov-internal-monologues-and-innermost-thoughts) [because dean also seemed more horrified than sam about the whole supernatural convention thing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-dean-also-seemed-more-horrified-than-sam-about-the-whole-supernatural-convention-thing) [yeah sam was angry about his life being hijacked for chuck’s financial gain but dean was mortified by it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yeah-sam-was-angry-about-his-life-being-hijacked-for-chuck%27s-financial-gain-but-dean-was-mortified-by-it) [and the homoerotic subtext of supernatural might not have had ANYTHING to do with wincest but everything to do with Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-homoerotic-subtext-of-supernatural-might-not-have-had-ANYTHING-to-do-with-wincest-but-everything-to-do-with-Dean) [well this got long and rambly and i think i lost the point somewhere about twelve tags back pffft](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/well-this-got-long-and-rambly-and-i-think-i-lost-the-point-somewhere-about-twelve-tags-back-pffft) [whatever dean reads fanfic and that’s the point here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/whatever-dean-reads-fanfic-and-that%27s-the-point-here)[dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [and also a huge nerd who probably has an ao3 history longer than mine](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-also-a-huge-nerd-who-probably-has-an-ao3-history-longer-than-mine)
> 
> I just really like the accidental implication that it was demon!Dean who lost all his inhibitions and went off the deep end… and read all the smutty fic (in the general Doctor Sexy sense that this conversation sprang from - [I was too tired to link last night to why I had this ask in the first place](http://destielhiseyesopened.tumblr.com/post/134155049761/elizabethrobertajones-knightfrog1248) :P). And then it’s just a guilty habit he has had since then, not helped by immediately after the whole demon incident finding out about SPN fic and the fact there’s slash, and it’s like, okay, he’s been reading Dr Sexy fan fic how weird could it be to check out a Destiel fic or two… 
> 
> Your tags also made me think that in a weird way Dean would sort of guilty-pleasure enjoy reading all the stuff about himself, like, the  _fun_  stuff. He probably skipped specifically to that part in Route 666 to see if the sex scene was in there, okay, because that would be the biggest invasion of his privacy the books could offer probably. But then later in hindsight, it’s like, there’s an apparently graphically described description of a really good night for him? It would almost be like making a sex tape, and if he gets over the weirdness of it… :P I almost don’t think it would be at all weird or out of character to actually seriously speculate Dean would  _like_  reading smut about himself? He’s so used to the fourth wall breaking at this point that he could probably get his head around the fact it exists.
> 
> I always love those really meta fics where Dean finds the porn, and is really pleased by how much the fandom seems to love him or just wants him to be happy (and pinned against a wall by Cas :P)…
> 
> I dunno, it’s been a weird few years for Dean. He deserves to be happy.

Ooh! You took my rambling tags and made some sense of them! And it reminded me of something else we know about Chuck’s books. When they met the publisher lady (who was named Sera, which I’d forgotten until I looked up the transcript), she waxed poetic over how emotionally open and vulnerable Sam and Dean were in the books.

> [elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/134161017273/hey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from):
>
>>   
>    
> 
> 
> _Oh, my god! That was one of my favorite ones [when Dean goes to Hell], because Dean was so… strong… and sad and brave. And Sam… I mean, the best parts are when they’d cry. You know, like in – In “Heart,” when Sam had to kill Madison, the first woman since Jessica he really loved. And in “Home,” when Dean had to call John and ask him for help. Gosh… if only real men were so open and in touch with their feelings._

Just one of the multiple reaction shots to her words there. ([screencap ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.homeofthenutty.com%2Fsupernatural%2Fscreencaps%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D78%26pid%3D78380%23top_display_media&t=MGIxYTdkNGQ2MjM2ZjVjN2QxODVjZjhiZWZmZmE3ZjZhMWI0ZDE5ZCxIQjVGalVMWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F134211326900%2Fhey-dean-sam-turns-to-face-his-brother-from&m=1)from Home of the Nutty).

Because Dean reacted with uncomfortable laughter, while Sam was able to maintain a semblance of distanced professionalism. This was deeply personal to both of them, obviously. But for Dean, especially, this was an “outing” of sorts. He was dangerously close to feeling exposed here.

He went into defensive flirty mode with Sera as she questioned them about their knowledge of the “characters” in the books. He’s not uncomfortable about discussing Dean’s car or favorite songs. That’s fine for public consumption. What he’s  _not_  fine about being public knowledge is being “open and in touch with his feelings.”

Sure, the example she uses for Dean showing his emotions isn’t something he’d specifically be ashamed about, but in the previous scene he was reading about a very intimate moment from his past. Yeah, it was “full frontal,” but there was a lot of emotional intimacy in that scene from Route 666. I can imagine Dean running through every moment where he’d ever found himself being “in touch with his feelings” in the years between when he picked up Sam at Stanford, and when he was dragged to Hell, and cringing at the doubly excruciating notion that not only were all those “feelings” written down in an obviously emotionally gripping manner, he was standing right there with Sam already having shown off his anti-possession tattoo in order to prove what big fans they were, and then encouraging Dean to do the same. Sam didn’t seem uncomfortable about admitting to be a fan, but when Dean was forced to do the same, he rolled his eyes:

and then made this face:

Sam’s just hoping this was enough to convince this woman to help them, but for Dean, this was  _exposing himself_  in a way that went far beyond yanking his collar down and showing off the tattoo. Because yes, he is a fan. Especially of those “in touch with his feelings” scenes. Being portrayed as “full frontal” wasn’t just about nudity, but about nakedness. He wasn’t putting on a mask. He was exposed in every way.

Also, this is the face of someone engrossed in what he’s reading.

He’s not disgusted. He’s ready to turn the page to see what happens next. He’s freaking out because he can’t believe he’s reading about his own thoughts and actions, exactly as they happened, because that would fuck anyone up. But  _he’s still reading anyway_.

Sam’s gone off to research the books and the fandom, trying to track down the author, but Dean’s just reading them. He’s engrossed. Once he has a chance to get over the weirdness of reading about himself this way, after meeting Chuck and learning that he’s a prophet and Cas vouches for him, I think he’d eventually be able to reread the entire series a little more objectively. And he would focus on and reread all those scenes that were good memories for him.

Learning that there are “Dean girls” out there, who specifically liked Dean as a character, would be more than a little flattering to him. Sure he was distressed at the slash fans, but I think he would’ve been intrigued enough to wonder what the fans were talking about to look into it on his own. With only s1-s3 (in show time) to work with, the “Dean girls” back then probably would’ve focused on writing happy stories about him with Cassie, about him going back to visit Lisa to have another bendy weekend. About him and the “doublemint twins.” About him with Jo (or even with Ash, because let’s be real, the fans aren’t blind). I can Dean initially being a little uncomfortable with strangers  _making up stories_  about him, for different reasons than he was uncomfortable about Chuck writing down the factual details of his actual life, but he would definitely be moved by the outpouring of love and care that’s obvious in fanfic. All these people who put so much energy into trying to give him a little bit of happiness. He’d cling to it.

It’s interesting to note Sam and Dean’s different reactions to Charlie mentioning that the rest of the books Chuck wrote (through Swan Song) had been published. Sam seems angry and wants to track down all the books to destroy them. Dean just looks down, can’t look at Sam or Charlie, and grumbles out “Awesome.” He wasn’t surprised. This was not a shocking revelation to him.  _He already knew_. He just never told  _Sam_.

Also, Charlie thanked Dean specifically for saving the world, and apologized to Sam specifically about having “no luck with the ladies.” It’s not like Dean had an awful lot of luck with the ladies, either, but  _to Charlie, a queer character who read the book equivalent of s4 and s5, Dean’s relative “luck with the ladies” wasn’t what she saw as relevant to Dean specifically_. Because it was irrelevant to  _Dean_. In the same episode where Charlie tries to get Dean talking about Cas by referring to him as “dreamy,” she leaves a huge blank for the audience to fill in about why she may have thought that only Sam merited a mention about his “luck with the  _ladies_.”

I can only imagine the day Dean learned the rest of Chuck’s books were up online. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE how interested he’d be to see what Chuck might’ve written about all of his interactions with Cas. To learn what Cas’s motivations might have been for rebelling against Heaven. To maybe get some sort of insight into his closest friend (heh). But yeah, that’s probably when he first learned about destiel. Learning that a bunch of  _high school girls, people he had to behave in a professional manner toward, and not come off as a creep in front of_ ; learning that Marie had probably read porn featuring him and  _anyone_  would’ve been enough to leave him uncomfortably speechless.

Because Dean’s not dumb. He reads. He also wouldn’t be able to resist seeking out stories people had invented in order to imagine him in a happier universe, maybe owning his own garage, or as a famous rock musician, or as a cowboy, or even in something that resembled his actual life but with a happy ending lurking somewhere out on the horizon for him. That would be his guilty pleasure, and one of the few things about himself that might actually be able to embarrass cocky, confident, manly-man Dean Winchester.

[spn crack but not really](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-crack-but-not-really) [how did I manage to turn a crack headcanon into serious meta? i mean it's still kinda cracky but i'm not joking about any of this](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/how-did-I-manage-to-turn-a-crack-headcanon-into-serious-meta%3F-i-mean-it%27s-still-kinda-cracky-but-i%27m-not-joking-about-any-of-this) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [and i think dean winchester would be the biggest dean winchester fangirl ever to fangirl](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-i-think-dean-winchester-would-be-the-biggest-dean-winchester-fangirl-ever-to-fangirl) [he told marie that he was a dean girl pffft and he wasn't kidding](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/he-told-marie-that-he-was-a-dean-girl-pffft-and-he-wasn%27t-kidding) [but can you imagine a guiltier pleasure for dean than reading about the people he loves actually forgiving him and reassuring him](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-can-you-imagine-a-guiltier-pleasure-for-dean-than-reading-about-the-people-he-loves-actually-forgiving-him-and-reassuring-him) [and being happy with him and having a happy ending all around](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-being-happy-with-him-and-having-a-happy-ending-all-around) [i blame lizbob for this really long addition here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-blame-lizbob-for-this-really-long-addition-here) [and mentioning how much dean would love reading the meta fics where he finds the porn about himself and gets to read about himself](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-mentioning-how-much-dean-would-love-reading-the-meta-fics-where-he-finds-the-porn-about-himself-and-gets-to-read-about-himself) [reading about himself and being happy about all of it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/reading-about-himself-and-being-happy-about-all-of-it) [spn meta meta pfffft](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-meta-meta-pfffft) [sorry for the incredibly long post](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sorry-for-the-incredibly-long-post) [i should probably tag this will all the episodes referenced here *sigh*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-should-probably-tag-this-will-all-the-episodes-referenced-here-%2Asigh%2A) [spn 4.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.18) [spn 8.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-8.20) [spn 5.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.09) [spn 10.05](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.05) [spn s4](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s4) [spn s5](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s5) [chuck help us all](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/chuck-help-us-all)[carver edlund's winchester gospels](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/carver-edlund%27s-winchester-gospels) [*apologies to the entire world and everyone who has to scroll through all this again*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Aapologies-to-the-entire-world-and-everyone-who-has-to-scroll-through-all-this-again%2A)

 

 

[Apr 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159688405905/right-after-dean-had-sex-with-the-waitress-sam)

82 notes

**Anonymous asked: Right after Dean had sex with the waitress, Sam was talking about how Satyrs would make people horny and lead them into the woods for orgies. I thought this was gonna be an explanation for Dean's behavior, but it never amounted to more than that. What was the point then? Were they just trying to make it incredibly obvious that Dean's actions were not normal by connecting it to a possible symptom of the hunt, even tho never addressed it again in the episode?**

Yes.

That’s exactly what they were saying. They demonstrated Dean acting in an uncharacteristic fashion (first in the opening scene expressing nothing but concern and worry for Cas, unable to focus on anything other than meticulously cleaning his guns, yet suddenly in this BS Cafe he’s dismissive of the research on the case, and of Sam, and suddenly making really awkward and rather desperate looking advances on a random waitress, when he hasn’t pulled that particular trick in AGES?)

Yeah. Sam listing off all the “symptoms” of a satyr in town was supposed to make us question Dean’s behavior. Because EVERY LAST ONE matched up to Dean’s “unusual” behavior. We’re SUPPOSED to recognize that something is NOT QUITE RIGHT with Dean here.

Sam: Satyrs are creatures of uncontrollable lust, luring people to the woods for massive orgies.  
Dean: Right.  
Sam: And when the fun was over the satyr would quote “feast upon the flesh of his victims until his belly was full to bursting with their moist, slippery meat.”

And Dean loses his appetite, despite later in the episode VERY DECIDEDLY NOT losing his appetite after getting up close and personal with a lot of very real “moist, slippery meat.” And then telling Sam to “grow up” while he himself devours some moist, slippery meat…

So if that’s the case, and these same things that we initially were very concerned meant Dean had succumbed to the satyr’s influence, the moment we find out it’s NOT a satyr, why would we automatically assume that this was just “Dean being Dean,” when one scene earlier we were ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED his behavior was “abnormal” enough for us to think he’d succumbed to a satyr?

The narrative was basically shining a giant flashing arrow at this, and telling us to look closer. That there was more to what we were seeing there, and leaving it up to us to understand what it was.

This was the big flashing arrow:

spn 12.18

 

[Apr 28, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143517598970/so-dean-had-been-comparing-jessie-and-cesars)

254 notes

So Dean had been comparing Jessie and Cesar’s relationship to his and Sam’s, as one of brothers. He originally identified with them believing that their “bickering” and obvious closeness was because they were like him and Sam. When Cesar corrected him, and gruffly said “More like an old married couple,” I think Cesar was half-expecting a negative reaction to that. He was giving Dean A Significant Look, sort of daring him to make some kind of bigoted remark.

Of course Dean wouldn’t do that, but I’m sure a gay couple hunting together have had their share of run-ins with intolerant people.

But Dean’s reaction was really interesting. He gives a little, oh OH! and then he realizes that HE’S the one who’s sort of put his own foot in his mouth. He’s not weirded out by THEIR relationship, but at the inadvertent implication that he and Sam have that kind of relationship, as well.

Ever since Dean’s “Ew, don’t they know we’re brothers?” “I don’t think it matters to them,” “That’s sick!” judgment on his own relationship with Sam, even on top of all the early seasons jokes that they were “together together,” and Dean’s resolute insistence at every turn that no, they’re just brothers, I can’t help but see this any other way.

Dean’s discomfort had zero to do with the happy married gay couple. It had 100% to do with the fact that he’d accidentally implied that he and Sam were also a happy married gay couple. Which they’re not.

I mean, otherwise what would the point be of ASKING THEM SPECIFICALLY what it’s like to “settle down with another hunter,” because obviously Dean’s been hunting with Sam for ages, but they’re not now, nor will they ever be, “settled down” together. So clearly, he’s inquiring what it might be like to actually settle down with someone.

Now that I’ve typed this all out, I kinda feel like I already made this post?

*checks to make sure I really haven’t actually made this post yet*

Nah, I’ve just been dwelling on it for the last 3 hours. hahaha oh my.

 

ETA: 

Well, I just rewatched it (again), and yeah. The ONLY reason Dean was struggling in that scene was because he ASSUMED Cesar was trying to imply that Dean and Sam were the “old married couple” at that table. Because that’s what SO MANY people have assumed about him and Sam in the past. As much of a reflex as it’s become for Jessie and Cesar to expect people to judge their relationship, DEAN has learned to become defensive of his relationship with Sam, but for the exact opposite reasons.

Dean just learned that these hunters had heard of them. It’s not surprising, since MOST hunters seem to have heard of the Winchesters. But WHAT have they heard about the Winchesters? What rumors about them have these particular hunters heard? That they were presumed dead, for one.

But Dean was afraid right there, not because of what he thought Cesar was implying about his sexuality, because once he realized Cesar meant that he and Jessie were the “old married couple,” Dean visibly relaxes. He’s fine with that. But he’s just feeling these guys out. Sure, they saved his life, but can he really trust them? What’s their agenda here? And would they hold some grudge against the Winchesters like some other hunters have in the past and could they possibly be antagonistic now that they know who they are?

Remember Tracy Bell, who blamed Sam and Dean for her parents’ being killed by demons? She had a major grudge against them (that was resolved by the end of 9.02, but her misinformation could’ve proved a threat to Sam and Dean).

So many monsters, bad guys, etc., have used Sam and Dean’s close relationship in a taunting way, implying that they are in some kind of incestuous relationship. To the point where Dean’s knee-jerk reaction to that implication is self defense.

Just like Jessie sort of hunches into himself when Cesar “outs” them, Dean had already girded himself to fend off what he assumed was just more of the usual. The moment he realized he’d been wrong, he relaxes. He knows these guys haven’t jumped to that assumption, that they’re not attacking HIM, they were just stating a truth about themselves. I think he’s so pleasantly surprised for once that it shocks him for a second.

And NO WONDER Dean’s gaydar seems broken. When he’s with Sam he’s too busy making sure nobody thinks he’s in a relationship with Sam. He’s in defense mode, too busy policing himself, worrying how others see HIM, not because he’d be upset if people thought he was gay (like Aaron hello), but because he gets upset when people think he’s  _gay with Sam_.

Notice the difference, though. That scene doesn’t really focus much on Sam or his reactions. Because he doesn’t really  _have_  a reaction. He’s cool with everything. His immediate response wasn’t to assume that he and Dean were the “old married couple,” because that’s not a threat to Sam. It’s laughable to him. Just as Dean has internalized that threat, Sam’s become practically immune to it, it’s been implied about them so many times. For Sam, being perceived as part of a gay relationship is just a simple misunderstanding. Being part of an incestuous one is just eye-roll worthy, like it’s always been for him. But for Dean, he always expects it to be a very personally-directed threat.

 

[spn 11.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.19)

 

[Apr 18, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159721586585/511-or-hey-this-pairs-up-interestingly-with)

16 notes

5.11: or, hey this pairs up interestingly with 12.11, doesn’t it?

And 12.15, come to think of it, since one of the three monsters Dean had killed at the beginning of the episode was a wraith, and we haven’t really heard much about wraiths in the intervening years, aside from that time in s6 when Eve was trying to make the perfect hybrid monster…

And speaking of perfect hybrids and monsters, have I mentioned s12?

*waves hello at Dabb screaming at me from the past again*

(not to mention [the three monsters](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/158238191540/hi-so-does-this-mean-that-sam-has-completed-the) in 12.15 were El Sol creatures– who either present a false version of reality themselves (ghouls taking on the identity of the last person they consumed), or have the ability to alter their victim’s perceptions of reality (djinn and wraith). Loss of identity is central to all three of these particular monsters.)

(and I’ll say it right here at the top of this post, loss of identity is my own personal biggest fear, and the thing I personally find most horrifying)

(and I think Dean feels the same, and not just in the sense of the “legacy” he’s wondered about leaving behind, but in a very real and present sense as the potential vessel for the archangel Michael, who was bred to be nothing more than an “angel condom.”)

And this entire episode bends reality right around, the one time Sam and Dean were entirely honest and open about their lives… and used that honesty to have themselves committed to a mental hospital.

**SAM** : Okay. Look…um…last few weeks, you’ve kind of been worrying me.  
 **DEAN** : (rolls his eyes) Oh, come on, Sam. Stop. Look, just because we’re in the loony bin doesn’t give you the right to head-shrink me.  
 **SAM** : Dean–  
 **DEAN** : Ellen and Jo dying–Yeah, it was a friggin’ tragedy, okay? But I’m not gonna wallow in it.  
 **SAM** : Dean, you always do this. You can’t just keep this crap in.  
 **DEAN** : (chuckles) Watch me.

Dabb loves to pick at this aspect of Sam and Dean’s relationship: Dean internalizes and Sam demands that Dean deal with his feelings by externalizing and discussing them. But Sam never really opens up about his OWN feelings, and instead spends most of his time trying to pressure Dean into talking. And round and round we go.

Dean DOES open up here, to a shocking degree… too bad he’s literally talking to himself here, to a figment of his own imagination, like his vision of “Benny” in 10.19.

Because from the moment the wraith examined them and infected them with her touch, they’ve been unwittingly manipulated to her will. Like Dean in 2.20 was under the djinn’s spell without realizing it, or under the siren’s spell in 4.14, or jerked around by the trickster in 2.15.

**DR. CARTWRIGHT** : Why do you have to hunt monsters? Why not let someone else do it?  
 **DEAN** : (shrugs, smiles) Can’t find anybody else that dumb. (thinks for a moment) It’s my job. Somebody’s gotta save people’s asses, yours included.  
 **DR. CARTWRIGHT** : So, is there a quota? How many people do you have to save?  
 **DEAN** : All of them.

But Dean’s already been forced to “see” things that aren’t true and has been misled into believing that Dr. Fuller is the wraith, which leads to increasing mental instability for Sam and Dean, which leads to increasing limitations on their movement and ability to function. Because mental hospital where they seem to be getting mentally more and more unstable, because of the wraith’s influence provoking them into it…

What we do get a very good look at is some of these fundamental differences between Sam and Dean… Sam’s inherent underlying anger and his occasional disconnect from reality…

**DEAN** : I’m not crazy.  
 **SAM** : Well…come on. I mean, you’ve been at least…half crazy for a long time, and since you got back from hell, or since before that, even. I mean, we’re in a–we’re in a mental hospital. (laughs) Maybe-Maybe you finally cracked! You know, maybe now you are really…for real…crazy…  
 **DEAN** : I made a mistake, that’s all. I’ll find the thing.  
 **SAM** : Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know.  
SAM puts a hand on DEAN’S shoulder. DEAN looks down at SAM’S hand.  
 **SAM** : It’s okay. Hey, hey. Look at me.  
DEAN looks at SAM.  
 **SAM** : It’s okay…because you’re my brother…and I still love ya.  
DEAN nods. SAM pokes at DEAN’S nose.  
 **SAM** : Boop!

Just when Dean lets himself believe he’s not crazy, his own subconscious succumbs to the wraith’s venom and he completely loses touch with reality. He learns the “doctor” he’s been talking to all this time was never real, when she hurls every wrong thing he’s ever done back in his face from breaking the first seal all the way up to getting Jo and Ellen killed… all those things he keeps buried just so he can get through the day rise up to the surface to assault him all at once. All that guilt and horror is only magnified by the wraith venom and twisted back on him in a vicious loop that leaves him practically catatonic, trapped in this sick cycle of failure within his own mind.

*hi there, psychosis, my archnemesis*

All those protective measures Dean’s constructed for himself, hell half the Performing Dean persona he wears so often, is basically one long string of coping mechanisms to deal with all this shit. Granted by s12 he’s truly come to accept a lot of the things he used to blame himself for, making that Performing Dean mask less personally necessary for him a lot of the time. But all that guilt does often rear its ugly head no matter how tight a control Dean might try to keep over it. In 12.18 that came blatantly to the surface, manifested because of his guilt and worry over Cas.

Sam, meanwhile, after the drugs used to sedate him after his attack on Dr. Fuller, seems entirely sane and rational. He apologizes, asks for a second chance, and is genuinely regretful of his actions. So the doctor relents… with conditions.

And under the wraith’s influence, he hallucinates Dean accusing him of everything HE fears the most:

**DEAN** : (faces SAM) It’s not the demon blood, Sam. It never was.  
 **SAM** : What?  
 **DEAN** : The problem was you. It was always you. The lies…your arrogance…the black spot on your soul.

EVERYONE appears to attack Sam at once, and he lashes out at them, fighting off all these invisible attackers… because that’s what they are. As much a figment of his imagination as the doctor laying on all the guilt.

Dean’s reflex reaction to that vulnerability is catatonia, Sam’s is violent anger.

But Dean sees Sam’s outburst, that he’s literally fighting against nothing, and despite being completely under the influence of the wraith, not to mention whatever psychotropic drugs they’ve put him on to control his “symptoms,” he still manages to put the pieces together. Crazy is the clue. 

**DEAN** : (crouching next to MARTIN’S bed) Okay. What if this thing doesn’t just feed on the insane? What if it makes people insane? (begging for clarification from MARTIN) Is it possible? Does that seem real?

Despite still being froot loops, Dean (like in 12.11 sans memories) still manages to track down the wraith…

**WRAITH** : Crazy brains. They get soaked in dopamine and adrenaline and all sorts of hormones and chemicals that make them…delicious. And the crazier they are, the better they taste.  
 **SAM** : You did this to me!  
 **WRAITH** : Well, I helped. But that rage? No, no, no. That’s all you. I don’t make crazy. I just crank up what’s already there. You build your own hell, but I give you the Legos.

Dean fights her off and kills her, but the message sank home for Sam:

**SAM** : Most of the time, I can hide it, but…I am angry. I’m mad at everything. I used to be mad at you and Dad, then Lilith, now it’s Lucifer, and I make excuses. I blame Ruby or the demon blood, but it’s not their fault. It’s not them. It’s me. It’s inside me. I’m mad…all the time…and I don’t know why.  
SAM is very anguished and exasperated. DEAN steps closer.  
 **DEAN** : Stop. Stop it. So what if you are? What are you gonna do? You gonna take a leave of absence? You gonna say yes to Lucifer? What?  
 **SAM** : No, of course not. I–  
 **DEAN** : Exactly. And that’s exactly what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna take all that crap and you’re gonna bury it. You’re gonna forget about it, because that’s how we keep going! That’s how we don’t end up like Martin! Are you with me?

Because Dean’s still burying a kernel of the guilt and fear and worry about all of this ^^, and Sam’s definitely still burying some of that anger. But they’ve found better ways to deal with it than just burying it. It’s the fuel that keeps them fighting now.

And these issues might be things that are still underpinning who they are as people, but hell if coming to an understanding and acceptance of everything that made them those people they are today, that finally defeating some of those inner (and external) demons has been able to bring them a little bit of peace over the sacrifices they’ve made, and the cosmic forces that they’ve finally gotten out ahead of for once in their lives.

[spn 5.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.11) [s12 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-meta-rewatch) [spn 12.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.11) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [sam vs reality](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-vs-reality) [sam sympathizes and dean empathizes](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-sympathizes-and-dean-empathizes) [spn 12.15](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.15) [spn 10.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.19) [spn 2.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-2.20) [spn 4.14](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.14) [spn 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.18)

 

 

[Apr 18, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159722606925/512-that-time-sam-was-gary-sorry-i-love-that)

18 notes

5.12: [That time Sam was Gary](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143742673195/powerfulweak-powerfulweak)

(sorry I love that damn post)

aka the idiot devil worshiping kids that reminded me of the idiot devil worshiping kids in 12.07.

aaka: that time Dean couldn’t figure out wtf was wrong with Sam, but since Sam’s apparent mental collapse here happened right after Dean and Sam’s literal simultaneous breakdowns in a mental hospital, he was really hesitant to push back too hard… but he’s learned that lesson now.

From the figurative loss of identity to fiction in 5.10, to the mental and emotional loss of identity in 5.11, to the physical loss of identity for Sam in 5.12, the middle of s5 is conspiring to give me my own mental breakdown.

**DEAN** : You ever think that you’d want something like that? Wife, rugrats, the whole nine?  
 **SAM** : [shakes his head ] No, not really my thing anymore.

(yeah, because by s10 Dean’s just beginning to consider maybe wanting something more, and it takes Sam until 11.04 to admit that maybe he could have something… not marriage, but something with someone in the life… and the whole “white picket fence” idea that has been Dean’s worst nightmare since s1 and that Sam’s only really started to realize was impossible for him in s8, was still a thing they wondered about ever having for themselves)

* * *

And here we go quoting lizbob again:

there’s parallels with Swap Meat and 12x11 with the Impala suffering for it while the unaffected one doesn’t realise what’s going on

mittensmorgul  
yeah… and on top of those parallels, we’re just post 5.11 here too, where they were both LITERALLY going crazy in the mental hospital, and as a result Dean was already walking on eggshells around Sam as it was

elizabethrobertajones  
yeah

mittensmorgul  
It made him wary to push back at “sam” in this episode

elizabethrobertajones  
maybe he felt he was going through some shit and self-reflection too so it would be natural for Sam to have a weird freak out because Dean wanted one too >.>

mittensmorgul  
like they went into this situation already feeling kinda gaslit, and this actual gaslighting the kids were pulling just played right into that fragile state

* * *

**Sam** : I totally lied. That kid’s life sucked ass. All that apple-pie, family crap? It’s stressful. Trust me – we didn’t miss a damn thing.  
 **Dean** : Or we don’t know what we’re missing.

And that’s the rub of s12. With Mary back wishing that her original dream for her children to grow up in that normal, white picket fence reality, free from hunting and monsters and the “crap” of her own childhood, she’d willingly “erase” the actual, real identities of her own children in order to give that life to them. But you can’t change the past. It’s already happened. And for better or worse, Sam and Dean have struggled their entire lives to accept themselves.

Which makes Mary’s regrets and motives now so horrifyingly painful to Sam and Dean. She hasn’t been able to let go of that past and come to terms with not only the last 33 years of their lives that she’s missed out on, but she doesn’t even understand the full extent of how her own choices even brought them to this point in the first place.

In the same way that Sam and Dean have learned about who Mary really was as a person, Mary now needs to understand and accept that the little boys she left behind in 1983 aren’t living the lives she hoped they would, but that it’s not her responsibility to try and “fix” it. They don’t need or even WANT her to try and fix it.

*insert the IT’S NOT BROKEN gif here*

eta: GAH stupid mittens brain is super-squishy. seriously, did I mention how this run of episodes leaves me borderline dissociative? because gaslighting and identity loss are practically (no, not practically) triggering for me? And I typically deal with this stuff in smaller doses than four episode binges? Yeah… um…

I forgot to mention the result of all of Dean’s concerns about pushing back at Sam too hard that lizbob and I were talking about above… and again it comes down to Dean’s instincts and an El Sol (beer of deception and false reality!) sign glowing in the reflection as “Sam” leaves Dean in the bar…

  


What an incredible face journey he goes on before confronting “Sam” and demanding to know who he is… At first he might’ve been on eggshells to keep Sam’s head in the game, to keep him from dwelling on all that anger and pain that the wraith had dredged up for him, but even when Dean makes allowances for those preexisting conditions, he still has a suspicion breaking point…

[spn 5.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.12) [s12 meta rewatch](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-meta-rewatch) [spn 12.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.11) [spn 5.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.11) [sam vs reality](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-vs-reality) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean)[winchester family dynamics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/winchester-family-dynamics) [face your past head-on and FIND ANOTHER WAY a BETTER WAY](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/face-your-past-head-on-and-FIND-ANOTHER-WAY-a-BETTER-WAY)[seriously though why doesn't everyone just trust dean's gut instincts it's like he's got an uncanny magical gift here...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/seriously-though-why-doesn%27t-everyone-just-trust-dean%27s-gut-instincts-it%27s-like-he%27s-got-an-uncanny-magical-gift-here...)

 

 

[Apr 19, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159766905395/i-know-this-is-way-out-of-left-field-but-i-am)

103 notes

**Anonymous asked: I know this is way out of left field but I am watching s6 right now and what's up with Dean telling Sam 'this makes you lois lane' when they are talking about Cas being Superman going dark side???**

DEFLECTION!

The first time Dean asked Sam about why people always mistook them for a gay couple, in 2.11, Sam answered without even bothering to look up from what he was doing, not teasing Dean at all, just giving an honest answer without really putting any thought into it:

**Dean** : Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we’re gay?  
 **Sam** : Well, you are kinda butch. Probably think you’re overcompensating.

Yet Dean’s always the one calling Sam “Samantha,” or insinuating it’s Sam with the “girly” hobbies and interests, or that Sam’s the one acting “gay.” Especially in circumstances where DEAN WANTS TO DO THE THING HE CONSIDERS “TOO GAY” BUT WON’T DO IT IN FRONT OF SAM.

Because hell, if that made ANYONE Lois Lane, it would be Dean, who spent the entirety of 6.20 defending Cas while Sam and Bobby tried to convince Dean he was acting shady. 

[Originally posted by sunshineclaire](https://tmblr.co/ZpxRKh28AKoTW)

Dean was Lois Lane.

(did I get that metaphor right? I don’t… actually know much about Superman.I think I saw one of the Christopher Reeve Superman movies when I was a kid, but that was more than 30 years ago… )

[spn 6.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-6.20)

 

 

[Apr 21, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159833137445/602-from-djinn-to-shapeshifters-ie-the-two)

19 notes

6.02: from djinn to shapeshifters… i.e. the two monsters always associated with performing Dean, and Dean confronting major truths about his own identity…

Like we’ve been talking about after 12.11, and after 12.18, Performing Dean is all about self-medication. It’s about having ANY sort of control over himself and his life. Much the same as Sam seeks some sort of control through meticulous control over his diet (gotta counteract that demon blood impurity somehow, even if it’s via magical thinking that eating organic can wash that away, or that there’s a mathematical equation that saving x number of people can cancel out x amount of evil inside him), Dean really learns in 6.02 that no amount of trying to control his environment with Lisa and Ben can solve the underlying problems.

The mask is gone. He can’t lie to Lisa and Ben, he can’t cover up the fact that his past is still alive and kicking and continue to put on the Everything’s Fine Mask anymore. Especially once Ben shows an interest in hunting. He can’t allow his influence in Ben’s life to taint him… He can’t feel responsible for ruining Lisa and Ben’s lives.

**DEAN** : Ben, mark my words. You will never, ever shoot a gun, ever.

(well, until he has no other choice, and Dean’s the one who will put that gun in Ben’s hands and make him shoot it… which leads to one of the most horrifying things Dean ever does, asking Cas to erase their memories)

Dean tries to tell Sam that he’s out when Sam calls asking for his help, but we’ve been seeing for this entire episode how “not out” Dean really is. Even Lisa and Ben are really seeing how much Dean’s struggling to play this Suburban Dad Role.

(heh, and he’s even driving Cas’s tan truck from s12, minus the brown stripe down the side and the hay bales in the backity back)

Meanwhile, for some reason Sam is SHOCKED that Dean is good at taking care of babies, because somehow he never put two and two together and came to the understanding that DEAN PRETTY MUCH RAISED HIM. He just… has no freaking clue. Since before his fifth birthday, Dean’s been taking care of babies…

**SAM** : No, no, no, seriously. You’ve got a whole Dr. Huxtable vibe coming off of you. You’re like… father material.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, well I kind of had to be lately, you know. Sink or swim, right?  
 **SAM** : You mean Ben.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, I mean Ben. I mean, I know he’s not my kid, but I don’t know, I’m starting to feel like yeah, he is. Then I think about the way we grew up, I don’t know, I kind of feel like I have a chance to do something different with Ben, you know?

It ain’t taking care of 12-year-old Ben that taught Dean how to be good with a baby, you know? IT WAS TAKING CARE OF YOU, SAM.

Sam gets a little bit of the horror of Dean’s situation here, though, and the inkling of an understanding of how awful a thing he’d asked of Dean. And the fact that they truly can’t outrun their past. Dean’s making excuses that sound painfully familiar…

**SAM** : Dad always said it was temporary, Dean. He said it for 22 years. Look, I get it. You want to watch out for them. That’s great. I’m just asking, how do you do that and not turn into Dad?

And here we have a bit of the “what really makes a monster” that we’ve been dealing with more directly all through s12:

**SAM** : I’ve never seen a baby monster before.  
 **DEAN** : Of course it’s not really a monster. I mean, it’s still just a baby. It’s not its fault its dad’s a shifter.  
 **SAM** : Right, but it’s a shifter, too. 

Because there’s a difference between being a monster and BEING MONSTROUS. And right now, little Bobby John might be biologically a monster, but he’s just a baby. He’s innocent. He hasn’t CHOSEN to be MONSTROUS. He just is, doing his thing.

The people, however…

And we also get a renewed appreciation for what Dean’s definition of family really is, via the Campbells– who will prove themselves over and over again to fail to live up to Dean’s definition of Family.

**SAM** : Not just hunters, Dean. They’re our family.  
 **DEAN** : We don’t know them.  
 **SAM** : I do. Not every hunter is a head case. I mean, Samuel is actually a lot like you.  
 **DEAN** : I’m a freaking head case. 

And oh dear lord, Dean is nothing like Samuel… yet another ping on Dean’s radar that something is definitely off with Sam…

Dean is reluctant to hand Bobby John over to the Campbells, fearing that they will want to kill him because he’s a “monster.” And while we take half a dozen more episodes before we discover that Dean’s instincts were a lot closer to the truth than he’s led to believe here, the Campbells do try and keep the truth from him, using Dean’s own past against him to throw him off…

**SAMUEL** : It’s dangerous out there for him, Dean.  
 **DEAN** : And what about in here? What are we gonna - study him? Poke at him?   
 **CHRISTIAN** : Your mind goes straight to torture, Dean. Don’t assume that for everyone.  
 **DEAN** : What exactly are you trying to say?  
 **CHRISTIAN** : Sorry, I heard about what you majored in down in the Pit.

So… this shakes Dean pretty hard, because how would Christian know about this? Was this something that Sam would actually talk to people about? And then Dean begins to poke at Sam… he just KNOWS there’s something wrong here, that things are just not adding up properly, and that Sam is keeping things from him. He just doesn’t really know what to do with this instinct yet, so he bides his time…

**DEAN** : There’s just a little too much mystery with this family for me to get comfy. 

**DEAN** : You know, just before you ganked that shifter in the motel, he mentioned a father, which makes sense now because he meant the Alpha.  
 **SAM** : Huh. Yeah, I guess so.  
 **DEAN** : Did you hear him say that?  
 **SAM** : Uh, I don’t know. Kind of a hot moment, you know? Why?  
 **DEAN** : Well, because if you heard him, then you knew the Alpha was out there.   
 **SAM** : Okay.  
 **DEAN** : And if you knew the Alpha was out there then you knew he might come after the baby. In which case you were using the baby as bait. So was that the plan? To use the baby as bait?  
 **SAM** : Of course not. Dean, I just thought that Samuel’s was the safest place. That’s all.  
 **DEAN** : Right, of course.

Sam doesn’t even get that Dean is already suspicious of EVERYTHING that’s been going on for the last year. And how isolated and alone he truly feels. At least he gets Cas back (sort of) in the next episode. But there’s even something fishy going on with Cas now…

and it’s all revolving around secrets and lies, putting trust in the wrong people, and everyone but Dean sort of forgetting what Family really means, and who actually constitutes Family to Dean…

And it only seems that now in s12 Dean is truly able to stand up for himself about ALL of this, and post 12.18 (since that’s where we are in current canon as I write this) a reckoning is coming. Dean’s facing the past in the form of Mary (instead of through Samuel like he did in s6), through who he really is as a person (a hunter and not someone who can be happy living in a world without monsters), and who is really a part of his family (Sam and Cas). Only this time he’s not letting anyone else dictate what his future should be. And he’s not going to let anyone else dictate with the future in general should be.

He’s not willing to settle for “more of the same,” as Cas said at the end of 5.22. Because back then he WAS willing to settle for Sam’s ideal of a normal life. But now, he’s not willing to settle for anyone else’s definition of who he should be.

A lot of these themes may be coming back again (in like nine layers of You Can’t Outrun Your Past hitting him simultaneously), but he’s been looking for Another Way for so long now that things are inevitably going to be different this time.

 

[Apr 25, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159981383825/609-the-truth-is-in-there-claps-hands-wildly-i)

22 notes

6.09: THE TRUTH IS IN THERE *claps hands wildly*

I love this episode.

Supernatural needs more faeries. Specifically they need to revisit Dean’s ability to see faeries after his little involuntary trip to Avalon.

(shameless self-promotion time: I wrote that fic:  [Hurry Up And Wait](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fworks%2F10127084&t=NTZjNjViNmM3MjU3YTU2ZTJmNGVlNDgxZmJmODE1NTU1NjFmMjlkNCxkUlNlQkZjdQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F159981383825%2F609-the-truth-is-in-there-claps-hands-wildly-i&m=1))

**MARION** : Of course it’s not UFO’s. It’s fairies.  
 **DEAN** : Fairies. Okay. Well, thank you for your input.  
 **SAM** : What? Flying saucers not insane enough for you?  
 **MARION** : What newspaper did you say you worked for?  
 **SAM** : Okay, if you want to add glitter to that glue you’re sniffing, that’s fine, but don’t dump your whackadoo all over us. We’d rather not step in it.  
 **DEAN** : Okay, we’re, we’re done.  
 **SAM** : The only thing you’re missing is a couple dozen cats, sister.  
 **DEAN** : It’s a blood sugar thing. My apologies.

Okay, hilarity of this aside, this episode not only covers some Major Philosophical Questions about souls and identity and humanity, ironically she’s actually RIGHT about it being faeries.

I am mightily resisting the temptation to basically just copy the entire transcript in here, because every line of this episode is gold for one reason or another. Just their banter for the sheer entertainment factor of it all. The stuff they’re talking about regarding Sam’s soul, that he’s EXHAUSTED from trying to fake it all this time

**SAM** : I was faking it Dean! Ever since we got back on the road together, I was picking every freaking word. It’s exhausting.

Well, Sam, that’s pretty much Dean’s entire fucking existence. That’s Performing Dean in a nutshell. Congrats, if you actually had any empathy, you’d recognize that fact.

**DEAN** : But do NOT engage with, maim or in any way kill Brennan. In fact, I don’t want you making any judgment calls whatsoever. Anything happens, call me.  
 **SAM** : You know, Jiminy, I was on my own for a whole year. I did fine without you.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah. I don’t want to know your definition of fine.

Yeah, Dean, you probably don’t… Sam’s soul doesn’t want to know either…

Sam’s just having a drink, checking out a waitress while Dean gets abducted by “aliens”… 

*puts a dollar in the space jar*

**DEAN** : I went crazy. I started hacking and slashing and firing. They actually seemed surprised. I don’t think anybody’s ever done that before. Yeah. I had a close encounter, Sam, and I won.

(oh, where did I get the idea for my fic up there?  **DEAN** : So, on top of all the demons and the angels and the ghosts and the skinwalkers, it turns out that there’s—so if aliens are actually real, what’s next? Hobbits? Seriously.)

Meanwhile Dean tries to explain how Sam SHOULD be reacting to stuff if he had a soul. I find it fascinating in light of how Performing Dean’s been reacting to feeling his own suffering over Cas’s absence in s12…

**SAM** : So you’re saying having a soul equals suffering.  
 **DEAN** : Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying.  
 **SAM** : Like, the million times you almost called Lisa. So you’re saying suffering is a good thing.  
 **DEAN** : I’m saying it’s the only game in town.

It took Soulless Sam half an hour to “adjust” to Dean’s abduction enough to pick up a girl. But how long has it been since Dean’s spoken to Cas, or been able to reach him on the phone? While knowing he was chasing Dagon, who can boop angels out of existence with a thought… I mean, he’s been falling apart over Cas’s absence FOR WEEKS by the time he finally breaks down and picks up Carmen, in a diner that’s seemingly been designed as one huge Cas reference…

Everyone reaches a breaking point, is what I’m saying here.

*Space Oddity montage which is seriously one of my favorite things in the history of ever*

*Dean microwaves a tiny faerie*

*DING*

(oh gosh I also forgot this was the motel room where Dean took his foot selfie that he used as his phone background for a while, with the forest wallpaper and the ugly chair in the background… that I subconsciously must’ve remembered when I was writing Project Beyonce and made foot selfies A Thing for Dean and Cas…)

Sam really does need a bigger cup…

Dean breaks into Mr. Brennan’s shop and spots all the tiny faeries doing his watchmaking work for him. Of course, Dean was the only one who even COULD see them, because he’s been exposed to Avalon and possibly serviced Oberon, King of the Faeries… >.>

But this is also an oft overlooked moment of Dean being brilliant and well read:

**DEAN** : Freaking full of Keeblers over here, man. Just full of ‘em.  
 **SAM** : What?  
 **DEAN** : It’s like the story with the shoe guy and all the elves. Hey, you think Brennan made a deal with a bunch of fairies?

Just like he’s familiar with the details of Aesop in 11.04, he’s also well read on Grimm here… Why the hell does Sam never believe that Dean reads, and LOADS of stuff? I find that one of the strongest signs that Sam really does buy into Performing Dean way too much. And it’s approaching willful ignorance at this point. No matter how much Dean tries to overthrow his performance mask, Sam is still clinging to it, too.

*grinds teeth over the whole codependency thing*

And oh poor Dean, even though he can see the faeries now, they’re still leading him around, luring him into pitfalls. Like this bait and switch, where the faerie tailing Dean steps away and Dean ends up tackling an innocent person and getting himself arrested for it.

While Dean’s locked up, Sam confronts the leprechaun, who offers to make a deal with Sam to get his soul back from the cage:

**SAM** : That’s adorable. It’s locked in a box with the devil.  
 **WAYNE** / **LEPRECHAUN** : Your devil. Not mine.  
 **SAM** : There’s no freaking way a leprechaun can do what angels cannot.  
 **WAYNE** / **LEPRECHAUN** : Angels. *laughs* Please. I’m talking about real magic, sonny. From my side of the fence. Got a way of getting in back doors.

But Sam turns him down and sends all the Fae back where they came from. Dean questions him on WHY he didn’t take the deal, and Sam argues that deals have never been good for them.

Aaaand we get the itchy feeling that Sam might not even WANT his soul back…

And we know Dean’s got that same itchy feeling. Because of course he does.

 

[May 15, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/144415823725/the-scene-of-dean-right-before-amara-shows-up-to)

54 notes

**Anonymous asked: The scene of Dean right before Amara shows up to him in the bunker reminded me a lot of the scene in 11x11 at the end where a lot of ppl said it looked like Dean's thinking about praying to Cas. Same head rub and everything. Just a random notice.**

Yeah. And it also followed shortly after Sam and Dean agreed to their “secret code” when talking about Cas where Chuck might overhear them. The whole, “And when I say Lucifer, I mean Cas.”

Dean might be trying to find Amara (which he even says in that scene), but  _they’re not talking about Cas because of Chuck’s angry reaction to the fact that Lucifer was let out of his cage again._ Dean is deliberately avoiding talking about Cas, even though his mission for the last 6 episodes has been CAS CAS CAAAAASSSS).

But Dean DOES NOT TRUST CHUCK. So he’s protecting Cas by reframing his search to be about finding Amara, instead. I mean, it’s an easy thing to accomplish, because Cas is currently in the same place as Amara, so finding one means finding the other.

*AN, because I am a total dork, I went and rewatched that scene just now and got lost down several hilarious tangents. I’m presenting them here for funsies:

  1. Dean’s back to guzzling Margiekugel beers. Which is the “missing Cas and alone with Sam” beer.
  2. Dean’s doing his superhacker thing again running multiple searches (wonder when he has time for all that porn he supposedly has on that laptop these days), but at the bottom of the Command Shell window on his laptop there’s a “loading” bar rapidly filling a box. It’s labeled “FIREWALLS BYPASSED.” The little bar goes from almost 0 to almost full in the span of 50 frames of video. So. Dean (called a “firewall” in this episode by Chuck) is almost completely “bypassed” (or bi-passed pffft). Thought you might like this particularly, [@f-ckyeahfutbol](https://tmblr.co/mXVaGmJQuBzObGCwgoHNJqg).



Okay, back to the point, even though that was a lovely diversion. We’ve been trained for the last 6 episodes that when Dean’s in SUPER STUDY RESEARCH MODE, he’s thinking about Cas. He’s researching how to find/save/free Cas. And like “by Lucifer I mean Cas,” right here we assume the same thing: “by Amara I mean Cas.”

[spn 11.21](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.21)


	5. Chapter 5

[Apr 27, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160055525025/618-waves-hello-at-dabb-from-1861-so-how)

34 notes

6.18: *waves hello at Dabb from 1861*

So how important is this episode to s12? Considering it was written by Dabb, reveals the origins of the Colt, has Samuel Colt PUT THE GUN INTO SAM WINCHESTER’S HAND, and makes Dean an agent of the Colt’s original mythology as the actual person who used the gun to kill a phoenix with it in Colt’s original journal, I’d say it’s CRUCIAL to understanding the events of s12.

Like, possibly one of the most relevant episodes to consider when trying to understand the puzzle of s12.

No I am not overselling this. I’m definitely underselling it here.

I keep talking about the events of 6.20 as being important to understanding s12, but HONESTLY THAT IS THE PRESTIGE. That’s the distraction. The real trick to s12 is what’s happening under the surface. The underling Winchester Family Dynamic and all of the emotional underpinnings have their true foundations in 6.18. This is where the real trick will happen.

And I’m basing all of that speculation on the return of the Colt. Because this is the episode that makes Sam and Dean CENTRAL FIGURES in the mythology and history of that gun. It’s the episode that gives THEM the absolute right to it, as part of their family’s legacy that’s been literally stolen by interlopers.

It’s a part of their history that Mary just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, or she never would’ve betrayed them to steal it and hand it over without question to the BMoL.

And if that’s not symbolic of EVERYTHING in s12, then I don’t know what is.

Everything else in s12 is set dressing.

Like Dean’s “set dressing” where he was going for “authenticity” that he quickly realized was so not authentic to the reality of 1861. His stupid serape, and their too-clean clothes were the furthest thing from authentic… But they learned quick, adapted. Not only did they blend in, Dean practically fell into the role of Sheriff.

Everything about Sunrise, Wyoming in 1861 turned Dean’s expectations on their head. He was forced over and over again to confront his own assumptions, expectations, and beliefs and face the truth– in everything from his ridiculous blanket cape, the terrible whiskey, the whole place being so much more “germier” than he expected, right up to the fact that Samuel Colt himself had been a hunter. 

**DEAN** Well, we do know one thing that’ll kill friggin’ anything, right?  
 **SAM** Yeah, the Colt.  
 **DEAN** So, you go get the gun.  
 **SAM** But isn’t the gun coming here? I mean, according to Samuel Colt’s journal?  
 **DEAN** Yeah, but people here barely even know who Colt is. Maybe you got to go find him and make history.

(and yes, this is how you do time travel PROPERLY in a story)

Because the Colt has always killed the phoenix, because Sam and Dean had always been the ones in 1861 who’d made that happen. They’re not CHANGING history, they were part of it. They just didn’t KNOW they were part of it until after they went back and experienced it for themselves from the present… The present had to “catch up” to the past so it could loop around properly.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

**RACHEL** Castiel, I’ve been hearing things. Things I don’t want to believe. Just tell me if it’s true.  
 **CASTIEL** If what’s true?  
 **RACHEL** You know. Your dirty little secret.  
 **CASTIEL** I have to defeat Raphael.  
 **RACHEL** Not this way, Castiel.  
 **CASTIEL** Rachel.  
 **RACHEL** We put our faith in you, and…look what you’re turning into.  
 **CASTIEL** I don’t have a choice.

(WORST. PHRASE. EVER.)

We begin to understand just how desperate Cas has become in fighting his war. Put together with Death’s warning about the souls and what we learned he was doing in 6.17 that Sam and Dean don’t really understand yet, and the fact that we find out Crowley is really still alive in 6.19, and actually WORKING WITH CAS, the horrible truth of everything is slowly being revealed to US in a way that makes us just want to scream at the tv screen, but Sam and Dean are still in the dark. They still don’t have this full story, which is what leads Dean to honestly still trust Cas until all his illusions shatter in a ring of holy oil in 6.20.

But this time, in s12, the illusion isn’t Cas’s deception, it’s Mary’s…

Sam gets to convince Samuel Colt that he is worth of the gun, that he’s a hunter from the future. He proves it, and then some.

**SAMUEL COLT** All right. (he places Sam’s blackberry behind his desk on the bookshelf)  
 **SAM** A-all right? That’s – uh, that’s it?  
 **SAMUEL COLT** Well, when you’ve done this job as long as I have…a giant from the future with some magic brick doesn’t exactly give you the vapors.

And he has Colt’s journal, and passes all of Colt’s tests:

**SAMUEL COLT**  (nods) Not bad. (Samuel opens his jacket so Sam can see the colt in his holster) You don’t want it. It’s a curse. Believe me.  
 **SAM** Great. Then let me take it off your hands.  
 **SAMUEL COLT** You go put on a few more miles and come back, and we’ll talk.  
 **SAM** Trust me, I’ve got plenty of mileage.  
 **SAMUEL COLT** I’m doing you a favor. Believe me.  
 **SAM** So, what? You can really just sit there?  
 **SAMUEL COLT** I’ve given my whole life to this. I’m done.  
 **SAM** So it doesn’t matter what happens.  
 **SAMUEL COLT** No, it doesn’t.  
 **SAM** So everything you did, it all means nothing? Give me the gun.

Meanwhile back at Bobby’s, Cas lies about Rachel to Bobby, telling him that she was “corrupted” by Raphael and had turned on him. But it’s just another “regrettable” thing he’s been forced to do because of circumstances.

And we get a visual depiction of just what Cas might want with all those souls he’s been amassing– and a hint of just what he might’ve been able to do if he could just tap into the power of all the souls in Purgatory.

**CASTIEL** The human soul – it’s pure… energy. If I can siphon some of that off, I-I might be able to bring Sam and Dean back. 

But we also learn the truth about the Phoenix that Dean knows he has to kill. Just like the monsters in s12 who are truly “innocent” and don’t deserve to be killed just for what they are, Finch was just trying to live his life when it was torn apart…

**ELIAS** I was married to a woman. Good woman – human. We lived outside of town, didn’t bother anyone.  
 **DEAN** Sure, freak with a heart of gold.  
 **ELIAS** You want to call me “monster,” fine. But all we did was go into town. I go into the bank for five minutes. I come out, she’s gone. And then I heard her scream. (Exhales sharply) This… man had her pinned in the alley. I go to stop him, he pulls his gun, shoots me, then her. She died in my arms. ‘Course, I don’t die. The shots brought the Sheriff. Next thing I know, I’m in iron. That’s why I want him just where he is – trapped, scared. I saved the best for last.

He’d done NOTHING to deserve this. Like the monsters in s12 that have been attacked by the BMoL and their misguided plans.

But back in s6, Dean was locked into this “fate” to kill the phoenix. His ashes were the only thing that could potentially stop the Mother of All Monsters from destroying humanity in revenge for what Crowley (and Cas, but that’s still the prestige of s6, and s12 is about addressing this from a new perspective where only these surface trappings are similar and the underlying story is buried underneath, in a neat REVERSAL of these two stories of s6, because now in s12 it LOOKS like the betrayal of 6.20 is the “main story” like it was in s6 but that’s actually the SIDE STORY the way Eve was the “side story” in s6… I hope that makes sense… essentially the script has been flipped).

In s12, Dean’s the one standing “outside the story” and isn’t “fated” to shoot the phoenix (metaphorically, anyway). He’s the one writing the pages this time around, and not relying on waiting for history itself to catch up to them the way Samuel Colt’s long-fated care package did.

Because at this point in s6, Sam and Dean were entirely absorbed in and distracted from the REAL larger problem (of Cas and Crowley going after the souls of Purgatory to weaponize them against Raphael). To them, at this point in s6, Eve WAS the big bad. They didn’t understand yet that she was merely a SYMPTOM of this larger scheme. They were buying into the prestige, and when the penny dropped they were entirely unprepared despite Death’s warning, despite EVERY HINT EVER that it was “about the souls.”

And that was partly due to Dean’s unshakable faith in Cas.

And hell if it didn’t get shook real good before the end.

But this time? Dean trusts his instincts. And Cas HAS been essentially honest with them, has made that dying declaration to them of Who He Is (A Winchester), that he loves them and is family to them.

Their family that doesn’t end in blood.

And Dean DOESN’T trust Mary, or the BMoL, even if that’s his “legacy.” Because family don’t START in blood either.

He’s keeping his own council and trusting himself and the people who’ve put their trust in him.

The one thing he doesn’t know is how Sam came to have the Colt in 12.17. And when he gets that truth, the Colt will have served its other main function: As the key that unlocks the metaphorical Hell Gate Samuel Colt was building back in 1861, and that opened in 2.22 to spit out John Winchester on the orders of a yellow-eyed demon…

And then the circle can be complete.

That’s the trick of s12, right there.

 

[Apr 27, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160061259965/screencaps-from-hotn-weve-been-talking-about)

66 notes

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/97ff8a75e4aa2aec53a2760780684ca8/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo1_1280.jpg)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/6bd5077be065b033bd2b31eea7a4f96d/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo2_1280.jpg)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cc3161e964ac8b632f85ab926b0aa862/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo3_1280.jpg)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/8bfca8afb470339f4ab2beb5e68e7c97/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo4_1280.jpg)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5af93838305618ca05d8f71e1f19340c/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo5_1280.jpg)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3f3ee3f8d0fa1c2e670c504a58bc0da2/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo6_1280.jpg)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/9d2b089152192b26105a66e93457fcbc/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo7_1280.jpg)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/bd3edbd61775d8fa23a85ebe1134ea9d/tumblr_op37hgh8ih1qhtzbjo8_1280.jpg)   


([screencaps from HOTN](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.homeofthenutty.com%2Fsupernatural%2Fscreencaps%2Fthumbnails.php%3Falbum%3D187%26page%3D4&t=M2NiNTUzZDFjNTRjZjlmOTNlMDUwMjUzZDViOWI3MGQyODIwNWM2MCx4OU45aHV2cg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F160061259965%2Fscreencaps-from-hotn-weve-been-talking-about&m=1))

We’ve been talking about the romantic coding of the “Lover Descending the Staircase” shot, but I was just talking with [@tinkdw](https://tmblr.co/mfCCEp6XoX-GAEcJPdBiLxA) and trying to find a screenshot of Cas’s shirt in 9.06, and I couldn’t help but associate this with [that other post going around today](https://tinkdw.tumblr.com/post/160054047337/honestly-when-i-saw-the-picture-of-dean-looking-up) in light of the 12.19 promo.

Because everything about this situation is, on the surface, similar. Cas atop a “staircase” with light shining on them from above, Nora making what appears to be a “romantic overture” toward him (she even kisses his cheek and compliments him honestly), but that’s only insofar as the trappings of the situation are weak stand-ins for the real thing.

Everything from the ladder being a “false staircase,” to Cas himself being physically responsible for the light shining down on the entire scene (because he’s the one who’s installing that light source… it wouldn’t exist without him MAKING it exist, you see), to him climbing right back up after his exchange with Nora because there really  _wasn’t_  any romantic weight to the scene. It was all as fake as his identity as “Steve the Sales Associate.”

So that’s what the El Sol version of this trope looks like.

Now go click on that link of the other post, about what the REAL version of this trope looks like…

(hint: it looks like the 12.19 promo) [spn 9.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.06) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19)

 

[May 31, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145208777055/hi-ive-not-seen-anyone-mention-this-but-after)

658 notes

**Anonymous asked: Hi- I've not seen anyone mention this, but after seeing Chuck in Dean's robe I remembered this from the supernatural wiki "The robe has the initial T.E.P. monogrammed in red on the left breast pocket. According to writer Ben Edlund, the initials stand for Tyrone Edmund Power. The real Tyrone Power was a movie star during Hollywood's Golden age, who had an adventure filled life. Power was openly (for the time) bisexual" Dead Guy Robe, more like Bi Guy Robe...**

YES! I just went looking through my own blog for it, and for some reason couldn’t find it (gah I know I reblobbed it back in February… but I did find it on [@sandraugiga](https://tmblr.co/mNdGbGZedh6bpVlRzOfe21Q)‘s blog, so here [have a link](http://sandraugiga.tumblr.com/post/138683204777/oh-my-god-ben-edlund-just-said-that-deans-men-of) or [two](http://sandraugiga.tumblr.com/post/139497172952/dorkilysoulless-justanotheridijiton-x-x)).

So I wrote a thing (all over [@elizabethrobertajones](https://tmblr.co/mgG_5cqPDBqPGN1DslU_e6Q) [perfectly nice post](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145185026115/having-seen-the-entire-season-now-would-you-say)– sorry about that again) yesterday about how Chuck was both hiding AND also (consciously or not) imitating Dean. From the moment he arrived at the bunker, nearly everything he did physically could believably have been scripted for Dean, right down to his wardrobe choices. Yes, even hanging out in his boxers and the Dead Guy Robe:

I mean just look at his lil ankles! Boy ain’t wearing pants under there.

And whether Dean knows it or not, Ben Edlund did indeed state that the monogram TEP does stand for Tyrone Power. My guess is that Dean would DEFINITELY have looked through the Men of Letters records to try and figure out exactly which Dead Guy’s robe he was wearing. I mean, can you really see Dean “I’m gonna need to bathe in Purell” Winchester  _really_  just wearing the robe of some random dead dude? Not only wearing it, but kinda  _bonding_  with it? He loves that silly thing. It’s a nice robe and all, but  _really_.

Seeing Chuck in that robe, though, was one of the major clues how just what extent Chuck was going to in his emulation of Dean. In case watching porn on Dean’s laptop, enjoying the water pressure in the shower, eating a powdered donut, taking over the kitchen, and everything else weren’t obvious enough. We all know  _that’s Dean’s robe_. You don’t just sneak into another man’s room and commandeer his bathrobe. Especially not one that fandom identifies as “Dean’s Dead Guy Robe.” Heck, I’ve even written it into AU fanfic (yes, [Project Beyonce](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fseries%2F284481&t=MWFiMTQ4NWIxNGVkMTM2YjQ5YjE5MmQyNjUxZjA4OTI4ZDg0NGM0OSxpQTdaTFhmdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F145208777055%2Fhi-ive-not-seen-anyone-mention-this-but-after&m=1) Dean even owns the Dead Guy Robe).

And as a fan of Zorro films, trust me, Dean knows who Tyrone Power is.[ HE PLAYED ZORRO](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2Furl%3Fsa%3Dt%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dweb%26cd%3D1%26cad%3Drja%26uact%3D8%26ved%3D0ahUKEwjzzNGxzITNAhWKGT4KHXCnDYwQFgi3ATAA%26url%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.imdb.com%252Ftitle%252Ftt0032762%252F%26usg%3DAFQjCNFoDxyE2tzbl8E1BWRMS10ifxio6Q%26sig2%3DUKjdosYOmHuEdRYivXe5RA&t=YmFlNWQzMTRhZDU3MTY4MTAzYmE3MDhmZjcyOTZmNWE4NzI2MWI0NCxpQTdaTFhmdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F145208777055%2Fhi-ive-not-seen-anyone-mention-this-but-after&m=1). 

And as you pointed out, [was not exactly openly bisexual, but wasn’t exactly all the way in the closet, either](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fgayinfluence.blogspot.com%2F2011%2F09%2Ftyrone-power-hollywood-bisexual.html&t=YjVkMjMxM2I4NTgzMzg3ZTMwNTM5YWY0NGI1Mjk0MzYzZmZiNWNjMSxpQTdaTFhmdw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F145208777055%2Fhi-ive-not-seen-anyone-mention-this-but-after&m=1).

That last link there? Google “Tyrone Power’s Movies” and it’s the FOURTH link, below the IMDb link and two Wikipedia links. So it’s not like it’s some obscure factoid you have to go internet spelunking in order to unearth.

So this one article of clothing that Dean seems to love originally belonged to a bisexual man. And was borrowed by openly bisexual Chuck. And is currently owned by Dean.

*stops for 10 minutes to stare at a tree and think about Dean’s Zorro fantasies in relation to the fact he probably knows that a bi guy who famously played Zorro used to wear his robe…*

Dean knows what he’s about. And so does Chuck. [spn 11.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.22)

 

[May 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160269330705/711-dean-goes-beautiful-mind-over-the-numbers)

27 notes

7.11: Dean goes Beautiful Mind over the numbers Bobby gave him on his death bed.

Bobby’s phone rings, and it’s a girl calling for his help, while Dean’s desperate to hear back from Frank about the numbers. Dean argues with Sam that they should focus on what Bobby spent his dying breath trying to tell them, but Sam argues that they should help the girl who’d reached out to Bobby and help her (because that’s what Bobby would’ve done). So they split up.

I love this, because Bobby wouldn’t have been able to cover both of these problems as just one person, but Sam and Dean can, because they are TWO people– just like the vetalas in this episode. They’re so successful as monsters because most hunters expect them to be ONE monster, when they actually work in PAIRS. Right down to the end scene where Sam and Lee are tied up in a situation where the vetalas would’ve killed Lee with one more bite, but Sam goaded them into biting him first. TWO IS BETTER THAN ONE. Even when Dean barged in to save them and tried to leave Krissy behind where it was safe, she escaped and came to join the fight anyway– again proving that two is better than one.

And heck, if three ain’t better than two… after 12.19 it’s all Go Team Free Will.

(Dean shows up at Frank’s, Frank wants Dean to prove he’s not a Leviathan so Dean cuts his arm and then hands the knife to Frank, because  _fair’s fair, douchebag_. So basically Dean and Frank become blood brothers. I don’t make the rules)

**DEAN** : I’m glad we could share that together. 

(see? Even Dean thinks so)

**DEAN** : Wait – Dick’s got people watching you?  
 **FRANK** : Do I look like I know? You think it’s easy to see this deep into what’s real and also be bipolar with delusional ideation? There is no pill for my situation, sweetiepop, so, yeah, best guess – the bigmouths are onto me. Next question.

(there’s a reason I really like Frank)

Dean finally gets some sleep at Frank’s Paranoia Caravan (I guess he feels safe enough, trusting in Frank’s security measures to finally nod off for a bit), but misses Sam’s call about the monster Krissy’s dad was hunting and asking him for help.

**SAM** (on phone): Dean, hey. So I think this guy was hunting a Vetala. Um, Dad took one down back in the day. Silver knife to the heart, twist, they’re done. He says they’re maladjusted loner types – like to knock a guy out, drag him home, feed slow. So, if Krissy’s dad got grabbed, there’s a chance he might still be alive. Be nice to get this girl’s dad back home to her, you know? All right, I could use your help. Call me. 

(see my note at the top about working better in pairs, rather than “maladjusted loner types.”)

Meanwhile Dean sleeps 36 hours, and wakes up to Frank pointing out the Cas-coded (tan trench, buttoned up, dark hair) leviathan in a field:

Dean finally gets Sam’s message and knows Sam is working from bad information, because apparently John never updated his journal with the new info Dean had learned about vetalas hunting in  _pairs_.

**FRANK** : Okay, then, fine. Do what I did.  
 **DEAN** : What? Go native? Stock up on C-rations?  
 **FRANK** : No, cupcake. What I did when I was 26 and came home to find my wife and two kids gutted on the floor. Decide to be fine till the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you’re alive and that’s your job. Then do it again the next week.  
 **DEAN** : So fake it?  
 **FRANK** : I call it being professional. Do it right, with a smile, or don’t do it.

Dean tries to keep Krissy out of it, because Sam had mentioned she didn’t seem to know what her dad really did for a living… but she absolutely KNEW everything about hunting…

**DEAN** : Vetalas usually hunt in pairs. Sam and your dad both assumed it was one thing hunting solo.  
 **KRISSY** : Why’d they think that?  
 **DEAN** : Because they had the wrong info. Or, best available. Our dad took down a loner years ago. Sam has his journal. Your dad must’ve been going on the same facts.  
 **KRISSY** : And you know different ‘cause…?  
 **DEAN** : Because I hunted one that turned out to be two a couple years back.  
 **KRISSY** : And you never told Sam? Wow, thanks. How 'bout sharing that with the rest of the class so we don’t all get killed?

And there it is. Dean had critical yet otherwise apparently unknown info, and he never bothered to even write it down, let alone “sharing it with the class.” Hunters coming together, pooling their info and resources, like the next level version of the Bobby and Rufus Hunter Switchboard Service. I think this is very much a part of where the MoL storyline is leading Sam and Dean (and all the other hunters that are being targeted by the MoL now). They might come together out of a need for survival, to share info and pool their resources, but maybe that will survive the end of the MoL and inspire them all to launch something better to help hunters be better at what they do…

So Lee and Krissy get to retire for a while until a twisted hunter drags Krissy back in, but meanwhile Sam and Dean get to drive away thinking they actually earned a win here. Even so, Dean pastes on the absolute WORST smile I have ever seen on him as they’re leaving, listening to “Dear Mr. Fantasy” while wearing Frank’s “professional” face, and it just makes me want to scream. It makes the usual performing dean seem like a bloody relief in comparison. This is Dean so crushed by reality he can’t even be bothered with the performance anymore.

 

 

[May 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160301696495/713-oh-no-deans-creepy-fast-growing-monster)

28 notes

7.13: Oh no… Dean’s creepy fast-growing monster baby >.>

Worst thing is the THEN segment is basically everyone telling Dean how he should be coping with everything, ending up with Frank’s instructions from the end of 7.11:

_Decide to be fine til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you’re alive and that’s your job. And do it again the next week. Do it right, with a smile, or don’t do it._

So Dean starts out with a professional smile, going on and on about the FBI benefits package with the medical examiner as if he really was an agent… >.>

And then when he’s flirting with Lydia, in the blue light of this upscale bar, pretending to be an investment banker who speaks Japanese (enough to get by) after we just discovered he’s got Bobby’s flask (which becomes a plot device in this episode so it’s MEANT to be reminding us of Bobby here), HE TELLS HER, “I’VE HAD A FORTUNATE YEAR.”

WHICH IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF THE TRUTH.

You want to know what Performing Dean looks like? Look at the closeup shots of Dean’s eyes during their entire conversation.

**LYDIA** : Well, look at you.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, look at me.

He’s looking down at the table, and appears to be thinking less-than-happy thoughts. But then Lydia takes him home and they have an excellent time. Dean seems to be having an easier time keeping the smile on the next morning… and HE CREDITS NOT THE GIRL, BUT THE BAR:

**SAM** : You look like crap.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, well, I feel worse than I look. I do recommend the Cobalt Room, by the way. Awesome night. Although I think I’m getting too old for this.

And he later refers to her as “my workout partner from last night.” She’d given him her number the night before, but when Dean actually called her (to get Bobby’s flask back– hello plot device), she brushes him off and the look on his face is honestly disappointed. He looks like he’s wondering if something was wrong with him… maybe he is getting too old for this. Whatever he was thinking, it had nothing to do with the girl, and everything to do with his self-perception. And his mood and temper just goes straight to hell after that.

Sam teases him about it repeatedly, the fact he’s obsessing over trying to get the flask back, but Lydia’s ignoring his calls, then gets his name wrong when he shows up at the door.

Dean tells Sam he’s “engaging in some social skills” at Lydia’s, and Sam believes he’s putting the moves on her again, BUT HE’S TALKING ABOUT HER KID. Who Dean overhears acting very not-kid-like, and gets suspicious.

So Dean stakes out her house– and misses his appointment with Sam, who teases him AGAIN for being “obsessed” about his one night stand. But Dean sees the baby from that morning now looking like a 5-year-old and leaving with two strange women.

Dean tries to tell Sam about the kid, in the middle of a case, and Sam is making a dismissive comment about EVERY “weird” thing Dean is pointing out to him, getting angrier and angrier about Sam being dismissive. He knows what he saw.

Turns out one of the Amazons is the police detective, who recognizes Sam and Dean as hunters just as they’re beginning to learn all the lore…

And then Sam finds out how Amazons reproduce, and suddenly ALL of the things he’s been making fun of Dean for suddenly fit the pattern, and the joking stops.

**SAM** : Yeah, tell me about it. So, it makes sense why, uh, why… the Amazons all want to hook up with decent-looking, successful guys.  
 **DEAN** : Oh, they’re picky about the gene pool?  
 **SAM** : Right. So…what was Lydia doing with you?  
 **DEAN** : Well, she may or may not have thought I was a rich investment banker.

(hell Dean’s more than decent-looking, and he’s probably the most successful person on the planet in his chosen field… )

And then Dean starts noticing little things moving around, and the notion that Bobby’s ghost might be present and moving stuff around surfaces. Sam denies it (just like he denied Dean’s earlier conviction that something was fishy with Lydia and Emma. Apparently that’s just one leap too far for Sam, and he IMMEDIATELY just shuts it down as Dean  _wanting_  it to be Bobby when it’s just not  _rational_.

(we later discover that yes, it really was Bobby all along and Sam’s methods of investigating that fact were inherently flawed…)

Meanwhile Dean is confronted by his monster daughter, who doesn’t just come in and try to kill him like the other Amazon Daddies–  _she talks to him and expresses, whether honestly or not, her desire to have “anything normal.”_

**EMMA** : You’ll help me?  
 **DEAN** : If you really want help.

Dean turns to get her something to eat, and we see Emma in the background holding a knife. Dean turns around with a gun aimed at her.

**DEAN** : You were asking if I believed you.

(he didn’t)

**DEAN** : You haven’t killed anybody yet, Emma. Walk away. Right now. I won’t go after you.  
 **EMMA** : I can’t. I don’t have a choice.

(hey, worst phrase ever…)

Dean STILL can’t shoot her, because yes, she IS his daughter. But Sam can.

 

[May 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160303414840/714-i-know-its-dabb-so-themes-but-i-just)

23 notes

7.14:  I know it’s Dabb so THEMES, but I just want to watch it for the joy of watching it.

SAM VS CLOWNS

DEAN VS A PAYPHONE

**SAM** : So, we got dick on Dick?  
 **DEAN** : That’s a vivid way of putting it. You find anything on Wonder Woman?  
 **SAM** : No. And there probably won’t be. They are definitely gone. But… I might have found something over in Kansas.  
 **DEAN** : All right, well, let’s do it. But, uh, a few simple rules, okay? No babies. In fact, no baby mamas. No bars. No booze – no hot chicks of any kind.  
 **SAM** : Wait, wait, wait. Did you just say –  
 **DEAN** : Hey. You spawn a monster baby, see how quick you want to dive back in the pool.

So apparently Dean’s sworn off women for life. (sorry Lizbob, that’s a good one)

**DEAN** : Yeah. All right, one of us needs to go talk to the naughty nanny. The other one stay here, shake down the place when the wife leaves – see what we’re dealing with.  
 **SAM** : All right. I’m on the nanny.  
 **DEAN** : I’m on the nanny.  
 **SAM** : I thought you said no hot chicks.  
 **DEAN** : We don’t know that she’s hot.

Or maybe he hasn’t sworn off women for life. But still, everything about the nanny is completely innocent. She’s not “naughty,” Dean doesn’t flirt with her, and learns more about the little girl than her parents were likely to reveal. Aside from the fact their house number was 667 (just across the street from the Beast apparently?)

**SAM** : Something wrong?  
 **KELLY** : My mom will get mad if I talk to you.

And she did get mad, because the girl was telling the police the monster in her closet killed her dad…

Flash forward to Sam’s clown fight, and “If it bleeds, you can kill it,” but they just bleed glitter poofs…

Sam’s practically having a panic attack even THINKING about going to Plucky’s… And Dean recalls Sam’s clown phobia.

**DEAN** (on phone): Yeah, what in the world did they do to you? All right, you know what? Never mind. Just know that 99.99% of all clowns can’t hurt you. Okay? And if it bleeds, you can kill it.  
 **SAM** : [whispering to himself] “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”

At least Dean tried to give him a coping tool >.>

(I agree with Sam tho, the red-eyed evil looking clown at the door? BURN IT)

**DEAN** : What the hell are these?  
 **SAM** : Kid therapy. Um, you draw your worst nightmare – poof! – Plucky fixes it. Um, they hang them up on this big wall.  
 **DEAN** : Well, can’t argue with this. Leprechauns are deadly.

But instead of Plucky “fixing” it, Plucky just seemed to make everything FAR TOO REAL. So

**SAM** : Wait. So now unicorns are evil?  
 **DEAN** : Yeah. Obviously.  
 **SAM** : Great. Well, now the question is, how did a unicorn come off a sketch and kill Billy’s dad? How’s any of this happening?

*man gets eaten by a shark in the ball pit*

_The ball washer did it. The what? The ball washer. The what? The ba…_

Dean recognizes not only the cause of death, but estimates the size of the shark based on the bite radius. SHARK WEEK. How do you not watch that? Again Dean demonstrating that he learns stuff in unconventional ways and recalls what he learns to be able to apply it in unconventional ways…

**DEAN** : Seriously. Dractopus. Seabiscuit the impaler. Land shark – what’s next?

MORE CLOWN FIGHTS.

Sam and Dean go through the list of creatures that might be causing kids’ drawings to come to life and kill people… Sam gets to play Bad Cop. :P

**DEAN** : Well, what’s my cover?  
 **SAM** : I don’t know. Just hang back. Act normal.  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, yeah. Guy in his thirties hanging out at Plucky’s alone – that’s normal. That’s not pervy at all.

(it’s like Sam’s using his best Performance Mask, Serious FBI Agent Man, as a self-defense mechanism to survive his fear of clowns or something… and him playing Bad Cop here is adopting the coping mechanism of that performing mask that Dean was trying to teach him about earlier, because we KNOW that this is one of Dean’s go-to survival skills)

Dean rolls a bunch of skee-balls and strikes out, but the second he’s distracted by something else and just rolls it without trying, he gets it in the 100 point hole. He’s just trying too hard…

Then he stops a bully from cheating at the game, and bonds with the kid over it.

**DEAN** : Hey, why don’t you cut her some slack?  
 **TYLER** : What do you care?  
 **DEAN** : Because I’ve been where you are.  
 **TYLER** : Your mom made you camp at a stupid Plucky’s after school?  
 **DEAN** : Y– no. No, but my dad, he… hauled me places. Besides, she’s working a tough gig.

Then they bond even more over the fact the pizza is terrible… :P

Meanwhile, it looks like Sam was using Cas’s idea of Bad Cop from 8.08:

**JEAN** : Look, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m trying. And, I mean, it’s not as if I’d ever do anything illegal.  
SAM slams a hand on the table and leans over close to JEAN.  
 **SAM** : Sure you wouldn’t.

and with a dude in a lion costume, after telling him to “lose the head:”

**SAM** : Why’d you do it?  
 **YOUNG MAN** : Do… what?  
 **SAM** : I think you know.  
 **YOUNG MAN** : I… I got rights. You can’t –  
 **SAM** shoves the chair on the other side of the table out of the way and leans over with his hands on the table.  
 **SAM** : I’m the federal government, pal. I can do whatever I want.

(all I can here is  _WHY DID YOU KILL YOUR HUSBAND?!_  In Cas’s voice, and Dean pulling him aside and telling him he was being  _bad everything_.)

AND THERE’S MY FAVORITE GIF:

(thanks Lizbob)

**DEAN** : Cliff. You’re not using kids’ nightmares to smoke people, are you, Cliff?  
 **CLIFF** : I don’t…think so.

He’s so stoned he’s not sure, and seems a little bit concerned it could be true >.>

But the stoner dude tells them about  _dun dun DUUUUN_ : THE SUB-BASEMENT!

But while Sam had been chasing Cliff, Dean saw something and put the whole case together:

**DEAN** : I think the bitchy mom plus, uh, sad kid plus place mat with something nuts written on it… equals wacky corpse.

Dean finds the sub-basement:

**DEAN** : Some pretty heavy hoodoo you got here. I gotta say, as far as I know, none of these things, uh, can poop out a Unicorn.  
 **HOWARD** :  There’s power in fear. And when a child draws what he’s afraid of, a little of that mojo ends up on the page.  
 **DEAN** : So, what, you toss it in the fire, and some bed-wetter’s horror show comes to life?  
 **HOWARD** : I got to get something off the parent, too. Something they own. That bit gets tricky.  
 **DEAN** : Well, it hasn’t seemed to slow you down.  
 **HOWARD** : I’m just doing what I need to!

(WORST. PHRASE. EVER)

So it was Howard, who’d refused to sell Dean the rainbow slinky he’d wanted. Who’d swallowed all the BS at Plucky’s and was bitter he wasn’t promoted to the management spot. Because NO ONE CARES MORE THAN ME.

(meanwhile Sam is still fighting the clowns RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW)

**HOWARD** : I was screaming… But my folks… They didn’t listen. They never listened.  
 **DEAN** : It was an accident.  
 **HOWARD** : They let him die!

He blamed himself for his brother’s drowning death when they were kids, but he was only a kid, too… he should never have been made to feel responsible for it. So instead, he blamed his parents for ignoring his cries for help. He blamed THEM for his brother’s death; not because they caused it, but because they failed to prevent it.

(CLOWNS EXPLODE ALL OVER SAM)

YOU LOOK FABULOUS SAM.

**DEAN** : Ohh. That’s… Sam… I’m sorry for… psychologically scarring you.  
 **SAM** : Which time?  
 **DEAN** : Shut up. Seriously. You know, me – me ditching you when we were kids, that was a dick move. You know, the whole clown thing–  
 **SAM** : You know what, man? Honestly… getting my ass kicked by those juggalos tonight was, uh… it was therapeutic.  
 **DEAN** : You faced your fear.  
 **SAM** : Exactly. And now what else could a clown possibly ever do to me? I feel good.

And awwww, Sam got Dean his rainbow slinky.

I really hope he still has the slinky.

 

[May 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160304938790/715-hey-this-one-takes-place-in-coeur-dalene)

24 notes

7.15: Hey, this one takes place in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho… the same town Cas was looking for Dagon and Kelly in 12.15… and where Eileen was following up looking for signs of CAS after he stopped answering his phone in 12.17…

PARALLELS!

I KNOW we’ve talked about this episode and not only this fact ^^, but also the THEMES of the episode–> revisiting a case from the PAST and finding out they’d been fundamentally wrong about having solved it, and then finding the truth and finally solving it properly, understanding the entire reality of the situation, and stopping the REAL monster.

The real monster wasn’t just the demon they’d exorcised in the past, BUT THE HUMAN WHO WAS IN LOVE WITH THE DEMON WHO WAS POSSESSING HIM AND WORKING WITH HIM WILLINGLY. He was the real monster.

But this is also the episode where Sam’s “coping mechanism” for his Hell-O-Vision fails him. Because he ACKNOWLEDGES the hallucination and that’s how it gains power over him. Squeezing the scar on his hand doesn’t work anymore, and this is where everything begins to fall apart for him. He can’t keep up the performance that he’s holding it all together.

We finally also get a glimpse of the inside of Sam’s head, and are led to believe that he’s been seeing Lucifer EVERYWHERE all season long.

**DEAN** : All right, well, we can take a swing at it. But you know it’s all about the Leviathans now, okay? They’re the ones we need to be hunting.  
 **SAM** : Yeah, but, no – I mean, not right now. This one’s ours, Dean. It’s unfinished business, apparently.

UNFINISHED BUSINESS. And they’re going back to finish it.

Sam and Dean have to remember their aliases from four years ago– Bonham and Watts… and revisit the entire case they were sure they’d solved. The witch who’d helped them track the demon before has opened up an online wiccan supply company, and she’d tried to contact Sam and Dean again for help when the murders started again but of course their old numbers aren’t working anymore.

At the halfway house where Jeffrey lives, we open on a group discussion:

**MAN 1** :I want to talk about Cinemax. We’re grown men. We pay rent. Why can’t we get Cinemax?  
 **MAN 2** : Skinemax.

(Dean in 12.11)

Meanwhile Jeffrey adopts a cute lil doge in a cone of shame.

(for what he does to the dog Jeffrey should be the one in the cone of shame)

Jeffrey tells Sam and Dean that he knows who the demon will go after next, because he had a list that he used to recite all the time. Sam goes off to the library to research and Dean stays with Jeffrey to protect him from the demon.

Meanwhile Sam’s left alone with his personal demon (Hallucifer), and Dean’s left alone with a HUMAN demon– and they’re both sneak-attacked…

Lucifer persists in needling Sam and being slightly useful until Sam cracks and tells him to shut up, which was the end of his control over the hallucination.

Dean lets Jeffrey lead him to the demon’s “nest,” (and he brings A DOG in THE CAR!) (and he’s concerned it’s gonna pee in there) Dean keeps Jeffrey behind him as he investigates the warehouse. He finds a boy chained to a chair, and while he’s trying to help the boy, Jeffrey sneaks up behind him and injects him with something that knocks him out.

Sam tries to call Dean, and he’s not answering (because Jeffrey knocked him out). 

**HALLUCIFER** : Oh, no. That’s every cellphone Dean’s got. One of them should’ve picked up, right? Big brother’s probably dead.  
 **SAM** : Shut up.  
SAM grabs the reports and leaves.  
 **HALLUCIFER** : He said “shut up” to me.

Sam scrambles to find some evidence of where Dean and Jeffrey went, and Hallucifer only offers him “help” that builds off info Sam ALREADY KNOWS. Because it’s not actually Lucifer, it’s just a part of Sam’s own brain.

That worry that Dean was dead? Sam. Finding all these “clues” to what’s happening and spurring memories? Just Sam’s own thought process brought out in 3D.

Which gives us UNPRECEDENTED ACCESS into Sam’s personality, because Hallucifer IS JUST A DARK PART OF SAM’S OWN MIND:

**SAM** : Nora, tell me what is going on.  
 **HALLUCIFER** : Sam, shake her up. She knows what happened to Dean. Get this stupid cow to focus, will you?  
SAM crouches down and speaks very close to NORA HAVELOCK’s face.  
 **SAM** : Nora, listen to me! Whatever it is, you should be a lot more scared of me right now because I’m two inches away from you, and I can make you talk. Do you understand me?  
HALLUCIFER nods approvingly. NORA HAVELOCK starts to cry.

Tell me that’s not fucking dark, like MoC Dean dark… the crap that Dean was desperate to dissociate himself from. Everyone thinks DEAN’S the one with anger management issues, but hell if Sam doesn’t have a streak of ruthless anger in him…

And speaking of the absolute darkest mirrors:

**DEAN** : So, demon comes along, rides co-pilot in your skull… Teaches you how to kill. The list… that’s yours.  
 **JEFFREY** : For years, it was just a game I would play. Every time I’d walk by one of them in the street or see one on my mail route… There’s a sound that comes from their brains. You know that? Only I can hear it, like an evil, little steam whistle. Every time I saw one, I’d follow her, take down her address.  
JEFFREY picks up DEAN’s knife from the table.  
 **JEFFREY** : But I was never gonna do anything, not till he came along. He’s the one who saved me. And you sent him to Hell.

Long story short, Jeffrey makes himself out to be the antithesis of Dean, willing to do anything to get his demon back (two episodes before Dean gets his angel back).

JEFFREY KILLS HIS DOGGIE. And the demon possesses Nora’s son.

**DEMON** : He had all the raw material… just bubbling in there. All I had to do was loosen the lid on his jar, show him some practical know-how.

Just like Sam and his hallucination, it was all him…

**SAM** : So, Jeffrey was just pretending to be the victim. Way back in that farmhouse during the exorcism… h-he was just… acting.  
 **DEAN** : He was a psychopath, Sam. That’s what they do all the time, is act. Act like they’re normal, act like they’re not balls-to-the-wall crazy.

(Sort of like Emma was in 7.13, sort of like Howard had made himself believe in 7.14… )

 

[May 4, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160306285625/716-a-pair-of-cursed-ballet-shoes-speaks-to)

20 notes

7.16: A pair of cursed ballet shoes speaks to Dean. He wants to wear the shoes. But for the folks who put them on, the performance they’re forced into kills them…

OUT WITH THE OLD– BY REVISITING THE OLD AND DOING SOMETHING BETTER WITH IT.

We’ve torn this episode up and down for the performing Dean of it.

Sam’s not sleeping anymore, and he’s lost control over his hallucinations.

Dean pries the ballet shoes off a little girl, and suddenly they’re following him around, tempting him…

Meanwhile the leviathans are buying up every lot in town, which led directly to the owner of Out With The Old to sell off everything in the shop, including the cursed items his mother had locked in a safe in curse boxes…

**SAM** : Hey! Hey, hey, hey!  
SAM pulls the shoes away from DEAN and puts them in the box.  
 **SAM** : Geez! You okay there, Baryshnikov?  
 **DEAN** : Yeah. Yeah, I’m “pas de done.”

(he really did see Black Swan)

Sam goes to fetch the cursed gramophone, and Dean goes to find a cursed porn magazine, while wondering how old porn kills you… he shouldn’t have asked…

**DEAN** (on phone) Hey. Got the porn. Just in time, too.  
 **SAM** (on phone) What was he doing?  
 **DEAN** (on phone) Uh, like you said, you don’t want to know. Where you at?

So Scott had been pushing for his mom to sell the store for years, to retire and enjoy the money, and she’d resisted until the leviathan real estate agents somehow talked her into it, after which she died the next day in a car accident.

**SCOTT** : Car crash. You know, I keep thinking, if I hadn’t pushed her, then…  
 **DEAN** : Hey, a little tip. Uh, feeling guilty ain’t gonna bring ‘em back. Best you can do is live your life the way that you think would make her proud. Or at least not embarrass the crap out of her.

Then we discover JUST HOW the Leviathans were convincing people to sell– they were killing them, then impersonating them long enough to sign the documents, then staging their deaths as accidents.

Which makes it ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL that Sam and Dean had come to town to investigate the weird spate of cursed object related deaths, and just ~stumbled across~ this leviathan real estate scheme after WEEKS AND WEEKS of getting nowhere and spinning their wheels trying to figure out what they were doing in that field, and what their bigger plans might be.

Meanwhile, some weird instinct won’t stop niggling at Dean, and he can’t believe that it was just a coincidence…

**DEAN** (on phone) No, listen to this. The lady spends 40 years trying to keep that place, right? Then one day she wakes up and sells. Next day, drives her car off a cliff.  
 **SAM** (on phone, yawning): So, uh… What, you think somebody cut her brakes or something?  
 **DEAN** (on phone): No, I think the world is full of hilarious coincidences. Oh, and there’s this new company – never even tasted real estate just gobbled up a huge chunk of Main Street. Now, I could be off the deep end here, but doesn’t that seem weird to you?

AND THEN SAM EXPERIENCES ANOTHER HILARIOUS COINCIDENCE. After falling asleep at the wheel and nearly getting smashed by a semi. He’s getting in line at the Mojo Java coffee stand where George the Leviathan Realtor recognizes him.

In a scene moments after Dean turns Frank’s own banter back on him (my silence is your cue, Frank):

**FRANK** (on phone) Oh, touché. So, you were trying to access the Geothrive internal site, and the reason why you couldn’t is 'cause, if you dig down deep, it’s all Dick.  
 **DEAN** (on phone) Yeah, well, that’d be helpful if you didn’t say that about everything.

George helps Sam and Dean take out his boss, and gives them a bit more information than they’d had before, about what the leviathans are doing– building research facilities to cure cancer. Which seems exceedingly strange, that monsters would want to  _help_  people… (they just want make a healthier herd of livestock for their own dining pleasure *shudders*) (echoes of Dean’s “soylent green is people” from 12.18)

After they take care of the Leviathan, they drive to check in with Frank, and find his trailer trashed and blood spattered everywhere. Apparently the leviathan had caught up with him. If FRANK’S paranoid concealment methods hadn’t been enough to keep him safe, then what hope do Sam and Dean have?

*all set to Bad Moon Rising*

Especially with Sam going officially off his nut, suffering from Hallucifer-induced sleep deprivation powerful enough to actually kill him if he doesn’t get himself sorted out soon.

 

[May 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160336997350/what-the-heck-is-the-deal-with-the-grenade)

258 notes

**Anonymous asked: what the heck is the deal with the grenade launcher???**

The show’s been teasing us (and Dean) with the grenade launcher for AGES. 

It’s been in the Impala’s truck for years, and it had been a sort of cast and crew joke that they were going to have Dean shoot it every once in a while. It would get included in cast and crew tweeted photos, stuff like that, up until s12, where they’ve now repeatedly started including it in the plot of the show itself.

It’s now been referenced FOUR TIMES (that I can think of off the top of my head) in s12:

12.05: Dean tries to pick it up to bring it inside, Sam says no because they need stealth, Dean later regrets not having it when they’re captured.

12.08: Ketch USES a grenade launcher to blow up the Secret Service car, and Dean gives Sam a look like, “HE gets to use his grenade launcher.” But Dean doesn’t get to shoot it again.

12.11: Sam labels the grenade launcher NO when Dean’s lost his memories, knowing Dean would probably want to use it and not remember why he shouldn’t…

12.20: Max sees it in the trunk and asks Dean about it. They don’t really have a reason to fire it at anything, so it stays in the trunk.

The fact Dean’s had this ongoing will he/won’t he thing with the grenade launcher has led us to refer to it as either [Chekhov’s Grenade Launcher](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152617541360/trisscar368-replied-to-your-photoset) (since they used it in the promo pics from 12.05, and had previously used it in the promo pics for 11.01– and nothing came of it that time…). But then it actually got mentioned in the plot of the episode…

If you show us the grenade launcher in act 1, it MUST go off by the end of act 3.

The subtext attached to it is Dean’s self-realization and understanding. The downfall of performing Dean, and becoming the person he truly is, dropping the act and… *extrapolate as you best see fit*

(and now after 12.20 that subtext has received another nod, with an openly gay character admiring it and talking to Dean about it… just saying) [grenadebaiting: the ongoing saga](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/grenadebaiting%3A-the-ongoing-saga)

 

[Jul 25, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/147949259410/i-think-dean-would-definitely-be-the-person-who)

69 notes

**Anonymous asked: I think Dean would definitely be the person who comes out because he can't resist a good joke.**

AAHHHHH! Oh gosh, I would love for this to be explored in comic form.

I remember seeing a post about this but my mind is totally blanking on it… something about that’s how you get bi people to out themselves. Bait them with setups to terrible puns. We can’t resist. It’s like catnip.

Or just terrible jokes in general. I mean, when has Dean EVER resisted making the ridiculous joke?

> Victor: I shot the sheriff! *horrified*
> 
> Dean: But you didn’t shoot the deputy… *proud grinny face*
> 
> Sam: *wtf dean this is serious*

Then dude waited EIGHT YEARS to finish the joke.

> Dean: Turns out I did shoot the deputy.
> 
> Cas: ?????

Because Cas hadn’t even been there when he’d made the original joke. EIGHT YEARS AGO.

So yeah, he’s patient, but he’d never let a joke opportunity pass him by no matter how inappropriate the situation may be. :)

What would be even funnier to me? Dean lets the joke slip out, but nobody… NOBODY says anything. He gets the usual eye roll from Sam, Cas is just puzzled, and while Dean’s having a panic-meltdown OH MY GOD DID I JUST OUT MYSELF?! moment, he thinks nobody caught it and he’s relieved.

BUT! Somehow only a week or so later Sam serves up yet another perfect softball setup line, and again Dean can’t resist making the joke. Just like the first time, he panics, Sam rolls his eyes, and Cas looks hopefully between Sam and Dean as if awaiting an explanation. Of course Dean doesn’t deliver… he’s just glad nobody picked up on his slip.

It starts happening more and more often after that. Even Cas is somehow starting to puzzle out how to set these perfect joke opportunities (or “jokeportunities” as Dean thinks of them). And since nobody’s putting two and two together and getting “Dean is bisexual” out of these, Dean starts relaxing and just playing along.

After a while he’s starting to get frustrated, though. He’s been dishing up some Grade A humor here, and he’s still failing to even get a grin out of these two morons. So he ups his game. He gets more and more daring, until eventually one day Sam just can’t take it anymore.

Hey, mission accomplished, Sam thinks. Dean’s no longer uptight about admitting his complete lack of straightness. He just rolls with the jokes now.

Sam and Cas bust out laughing at Dean’s next bisexual joke, and Dean has one moment of panic before Sam gets up and hugs him.

“Glad to hear you finally admit it.”

Cas is just beaming at him. Dean clears his throat, realizing that they knew all along. :)

Yeah, that could be fun.

Now, someone who’s actually funny, gimme 10k of this, with jokes. :D

Or, wait… WAS THIS ASK MESSAGE THE SNEAKY SETUP OF A BISEXUAL JOKE?!

Oh. Well, I’ve already outed myself. I just reply to bi humor with crack fic. :)

 

 

[May 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160336997350/what-the-heck-is-the-deal-with-the-grenade)

258 notes

**Anonymous asked: what the heck is the deal with the grenade launcher???**

The show’s been teasing us (and Dean) with the grenade launcher for AGES. 

It’s been in the Impala’s truck for years, and it had been a sort of cast and crew joke that they were going to have Dean shoot it every once in a while. It would get included in cast and crew tweeted photos, stuff like that, up until s12, where they’ve now repeatedly started including it in the plot of the show itself.

It’s now been referenced FOUR TIMES (that I can think of off the top of my head) in s12:

12.05: Dean tries to pick it up to bring it inside, Sam says no because they need stealth, Dean later regrets not having it when they’re captured.

12.08: Ketch USES a grenade launcher to blow up the Secret Service car, and Dean gives Sam a look like, “HE gets to use his grenade launcher.” But Dean doesn’t get to shoot it again.

12.11: Sam labels the grenade launcher NO when Dean’s lost his memories, knowing Dean would probably want to use it and not remember why he shouldn’t…

12.20: Max sees it in the trunk and asks Dean about it. They don’t really have a reason to fire it at anything, so it stays in the trunk.

The fact Dean’s had this ongoing will he/won’t he thing with the grenade launcher has led us to refer to it as either [Chekhov’s Grenade Launcher](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152617541360/trisscar368-replied-to-your-photoset) (since they used it in the promo pics from 12.05, and had previously used it in the promo pics for 11.01– and nothing came of it that time…). But then it actually got mentioned in the plot of the episode…

If you show us the grenade launcher in act 1, it MUST go off by the end of act 3.

The subtext attached to it is Dean’s self-realization and understanding. The downfall of performing Dean, and becoming the person he truly is, dropping the act and… *extrapolate as you best see fit*

(and now after 12.20 that subtext has received another nod, with an openly gay character admiring it and talking to Dean about it… just saying)

[grenadebaiting: the ongoing saga](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/grenadebaiting%3A-the-ongoing-saga) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [spn 12.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.20) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

 

[May 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160352623815/wine-has-a-fuckton-of-alcohol-in-it-why-did-dean)

24 notes

**Anonymous asked: Wine has a fuckton of alcohol in it why did Dean think he couldn't get drunk from it what in**

Eh, to a guy used to drinking whiskey… I mean, just like with the vegetable water, he had to make some sort of a show of complaint about drinking the not-manly drink, you know? Yet he drank it all the same. Quite eagerly, too. Even dumping Sam’s unfinished glass into his own.

And HECK HE DIDN’T EVEN BAT AN EYE AT THE FACT TASHA ORDERED VEGAN FOOD FOR DINNER. Dean “what the hell is this green stuff” Winchester was prepared to politely share a vegan meal with this nice family.

(Dean in 9.05:  Always knew we’d find the source of all evil in a vegan bakery.)

I don’t think Dean believed he couldn’t get drunk, he was just putting up the same weird performance he usually does in these circumstances. He just didn’t bother KEEPING the performance up.

Funnily enough, he didn’t feel the need to perform for the Banes family. Because what’s on the surface doesn’t matter around them. In an episode about creepy hollow dolls made of twigs that are animated with the personality and heart of a dead person…

Yeesh, sorry, I took that dark, but I’ve got the episode running again in the background and just watched that scene for like the fifth time… :P

 

[May 6, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160383130045/one-character-being-right-or-proven-right-all-the)

34 notes

**Anonymous asked: One character being right or proven right all the time can be just as tiring as some being wrong all the time. I mean, why have anyone else have an opinion? If they disagree with Dean they are just wrong, anyway. Now, if Dean would be right about SOME things and those situations had to do with his personal strengths as a character? That's different. Thinking about it he was wrong about Cas in s11 though, couldn't even see he was possessed or that Cas said yes because of his depression...**

[mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160375681435/one-character-being-right-or-proven-right-all-the):

> Dude, Dean is not always right. Some of the times he’s been wrong have been cosmically catastrophic.
> 
> Apocalypse anyone? Stuffing an angel into his brother? Ignoring the reality of Cas in s6? Ignoring what was wrong with Sam in s7? Not reading the fine print before taking on the Mark of Cain? 
> 
> And Sam has been “right” just as often, but in different ways, and for different reasons. They each have a different KIND of intelligence about these things. Dean’s gut instincts are great (until they’re tainted by his personal feelings and he’s unable to see the situation objectively). Sam’s intellectual objectivity is great, too (until he overlooks the reality of the underlying feelings that are influencing him to discount certain facts).
> 
> The whole point is that when they listen TO EACH OTHER and find that balance between objectivity and feeling, THAT’S when they work best together. 

 

And heck, I just saw this again, and Dean WAS right about Cas in s11. He knew there was something “off” about Cas in 11.11. He hadn’t been concerned BEFORE that (well, he had been excusing Cas’s delay in returning “home” after the events of 11.10, because heck had he been presumptuous in assuming that Cas would even WANT to return home with them? Plus that’s how Cas has always been, right? He’s not reading too much into it, right? Because Cas probably has better things to be doing with better people than him…).

But he very much DID notice something off about Cas in 11.11, even if he couldn’t quite put his finger on WHAT, and it was SAM who tried to explain it away:

**SAM** : Is Cas gone?  
 **DEAN** : Yeah, I guess so.  
 **SAM** : What was he doing here anyway?  
 **DEAN** : He was looking for lore on the Darkness. Something a little off about him, too.  
 **SAM** : Something always seems a little bit off about Cas. [Scoffs] Yeah, you know, being so close to Lucifer probably wasn’t easy for him, either.  
 **DEAN** : We’ll just keep an eye on him.

It’s not like there was anything else they could do in that moment, and neither of them believed that Cas had actually said YES to Lucifer, you know?

Not to mention the fact that Dean had still been hiding his own BS from Sam– both how the Darkness was affecting him AND the fact that the banshee was targeting HIM (because her victims had all been vulnerable specifically due to heartbreak or other love troubles, and he was terrified what that might mean for him, whether that heartbreak was related to whatever Amara was doing to him or this feeling about something being off about Cas).

**Dean:**  I still got some ringing going on in my head, but nothing some good music couldn’t wash out.  
 **Sam:**  You know, I still can’t figure it out. I mean, banshees go after the vulnerable, right? So, why’d it go after you?  
 **Dean:**  You’re overthinking it. It was going after Mildred, it saw my gold blade and acted out of self-defense. Simple.  
 **Sam:**  Yeah, you’re probably right.  
 **Dean:**  I’m always right. 

spn 11.11

 

[Jul 30, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/148225356845/mashiarasdream-miss-devonaire)

9,157 notes

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/18f52111fd9eafb79e66a30ce04cd3d8/tumblr_o5xsauTxzB1r6hoj2o2_500.gif)   


  
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[mashiarasdream](http://mashiarasdream.tumblr.com/post/148142499520):

> [miss-devonaire](http://miss-devonaire.tumblr.com/post/145916274082):
>
>> [miss-devonaire](http://miss-devonaire.tumblr.com/post/143400933848):
>>
>>> [satan-changed-my-password](http://satan-changed-my-password.tumblr.com/post/143400625107):
>>>
>>>> [miss-devonaire](http://miss-devonaire.tumblr.com/post/143346549948):
>>>>
>>>>> [caffeinedeathwarrior](http://caffeinedeathwarrior.tumblr.com/post/143326468404):
>>>>>
>>>>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143322634640):
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> [sandraugiga](http://sandraugiga.tumblr.com/post/143315881082):
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/143315112067):
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> [bluestar86](http://bluestar86.tumblr.com/post/143314753543):
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> [redstainedledger](http://redstainedledger.tumblr.com/post/143137881514):
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>> > 
>>>>>>>>>>>>                                           _Dean ~~doesnt~~ do shorts_
>>>>>>>>>>>>                                         
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> But Dean canonically said that he doesn’t do shorts. Therefore, what he is wearing in those two other scenes CAN’T be shorts. You are all delusional. Dean SAID he doesn’t wear shorts and that’s fact so you are all imagining him wearing shorts. Just stop with your ‘Dean in shorts’ obsession okay just URGH!
>>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>>> ;-)
>>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>>> Delusional people seeing shorts where there are no shorts.
>>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>>> Why cannot Dean and shorts just be friends? Save the platonic friendship between a guy and his shorts. There is just so little of that on tv now a days.
>>>>>>> 
>>>>>>> Yeah, you can’t just suddenly say Dean likes shorts after  _eleven years,_  when he obviously never liked shorts before. It’s just not believable. Stop trying to force Dean into pants he obviously doesn’t enjoy wearing, because he said so once, as a joke, eleven years ago.
>>>>>> 
>>>>>> Friendly reminder you can platonically wear shorts!  The sexualization of shorts may seem progressive, but can actually contribute to negative pants stereotypes! 
>>>>> 
>>>>> I mean come on, people don’t say things and then realize they spoke too soon. If Dean says he doesn’t do shorts, how dare you think he discovered he actually likes shorts after trying them? People don’t claim to dislike things simply because they’re afraid of being judged. If Dean says he doesn’t like shorts, it has nothing to do with the stigma of men wearing shorts. It has nothing to do with repressed affinity for the wind in his leg hair. He clearly stated a decade ago that he doesn’t like them. He was clearly forced to wear them recently, but he absolutely did not enjoy it. It’s offensive that you people are projecting your own love for shorts upon this man who clearly ONLY likes full-length pants. It’s canon. Dean loving shorts will never happen. Get over it.
>>>> 
>>>> Uh, although Dean has never said in canon that he even  _likes_ full-length pants. We normally see him wear them, yes, that might be true, but he has never personally confirmed anything about his relationship with pants. It is rude of us to assume that he automatically HAS to like wearing them. Let the man live!
>>>> 
>>>>   
> On the other hand, you can’t just say that Dean suddenly likes wearing shorts and completely ignore what’s canon. It’s uncharacteristic of him! Dean is a man of his word, which means that the only item of clothing he is comfortable wearing is the pink satin panties he mentioned in season 5.
>>>> 
>>>> #LetDeanWearWhatHeLikes #StopTheShorts #BringBackPanties #Anti-Pants
>>> 
>>> Reblogging yet again because ^^^that^^^ is  ** _amazing!_**
>> 
>> **_GUYS_ **
>> 
>> This post has ruined me. I found this [article about how people feel about men wearing shorts](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2Fentry%2Fshould-men-wear-shorts_us_572cc3ace4b0bc9cb0468abd%3Fir%3DParents%25c2%25a7ion%3Dus_parents%26te%3DPopSugar%26utm_hp_ref%3Dparents&t=ZmQzNjdiNjMwZmZkNGY4YzRkMjhmNWIwODk0YTdiYTE1ZmNjMmNjNyw3eFFaOVNYYg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F148225356845%2Fmashiarasdream-miss-devonaire&m=1), today. I can’t help myself. I am  ** _100%_**  sure Dean Himself wrote it. We are  _ **clearly**_ having a negative impact on the social acceptance of men wearing shorts by  ** _forcing_** our opinions onto an innocent,  ** _pantie-_** loving man. 
>> 
>> I blame all of us, [@bluestar86](https://tmblr.co/m-wUC-tY8dlf7K9XGjK6Xkw) [@caffeinedeathwarrior](https://tmblr.co/moWH84_FjC9YV_uiDyr4KIw) [@postmodernmulticoloredcloak](https://tmblr.co/mf4M6zzYHBBds6ET4AADySQ) [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg)[@sandraugiga](https://tmblr.co/mNdGbGZedh6bpVlRzOfe21Q) and [@satan-changed-my-password](https://tmblr.co/mUDGES1ukoIb4zaJI6ltFwg)
> 
>  
> 
> [Originally posted by poorbeautifuldean](https://tmblr.co/ZAdDYq29uHnm0)
> 
> What blessed times we live in. 
> 
> [reblobbed for later when I'm not dealing with drunk Jenn](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/reblobbed-for-later-when-I%27m-not-dealing-with-drunk-Jenn) [I want to read this later I swear](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/I-want-to-read-this-later-I-swear)[drunk mittens posts](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/drunk-mittens-posts) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [thank god for tumblr saving my tags because drunk mittens whoops](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/thank-god-for-tumblr-saving-my-tags-because-drunk-mittens-whoops) [and that one was important who ever thought I'd be happy about autocorrect](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-that-one-was-important-who-ever-thought-I%27d-be-happy-about-autocorrect)
> 
>  
> 
> [May 8, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160464832870/an-example-of-what-i-mean-by-looking-for-what)
> 
> 299 notes
> 
> An example of what I mean by looking for what things that might, on the surface, seem out of character in order to understand what is actually happening in a scene:
> 
> This nonsense in 12.20:
> 
>   
> 
> 
> At first glance, it’s “Ha ha Dean doesn’t know how to hold a wine glass,” or, “What a dork he knows better than that.” Because we KNOW he knows better, from 11.12:
> 
> So rather than saying this means Jensen is an idiot who doesn’t understand his character, or assume it was supposed to be some sort of joke, two whole seconds of looking at his face in each of these pictures should clue you in that this is absolutely not a joke.
> 
> What’s the setup then, in 12.20, that has made Dean look so freaking uncomfortable? Why is he gripping that glass so tight?
> 
> Well, we know he didn’t even want to leave the bunker for this hunt. Sam had to go all the way back to the pilot episode of the show for a big enough hook to drag him away from his fretting over Cas.
> 
> “Their mom’s on a hunting trip and she hasn’t been home in a week…”
> 
> In 11.12, they were both eager to go help Claire when she called. Even if, at the time of this dinner, it was starting to look like she may have jumped the gun in calling for their help. Sam and Dean both ENJOY visiting with Jody, Alex, and Claire. And even despite the uncomfortable topic of dinner conversation, they feel like a part of Jody’s extended family (heck even in 12.06 they popped by her house unwashed from a hunt just to say hi and hang out for a while on their way home. That’s the kind of comfortable they are around Jody and her family). 
> 
> (okay I need to talk about 12.06 again, because look at these goobers, and how comfortable they feel at Jody’s house. Jody herself might be drinking wine, but she’s in her jammies. They’re eating pizza out of a box on the couch, and Sam and Dean are drinking beer… because that’s what they would choose for themselves when they weren’t trying to be polite in company they’re not familiar with. They’re not being asked to go along with an agenda they didn’t choose for themselves at Jody’s. Dean’s even got her tv remote. THIS IS HOW COMFORTABLE HE IS WITH HER. okay, just needed to get that out there)
> 
> Despite his uneasy feeling that Cas wasn’t quite right after 11.11,  _this felt good, feeling like part of this family felt good_. Dean felt WELCOME there. He had no need to feel stressed, or “spun out,” or even that he didn’t really belong there.
> 
> In 12.20, this apparently “perfect” hunter family who was so heavily paralleled to the Winchester family but a HAPPY and HEALTHY version of it… well, Dean’s still mentally spinning his wheels over the fact that he has nothing concrete to do to help Cas, and even Mary hasn’t returned his call just asking to talk to her about some things that he sounded very upset about in his message to her.
> 
> But instead of being able to do ANY of that– I guess pace in his room while running searches of police activity on the APB Jody put out on Cas and Kelly, try to reach Mary on the phone again, heck… stand outside and yell at the sky for a while, seriously ANYTHING would’ve been preferable to him in that moment than sitting there watching the “well-adjusted” version of his own family enjoy each other’s company.
> 
> When Tasha announced that someone needed to go pick up their dinner, Dean was about to volunteer, but Sam jumped up and told him to just stay there and drink. I can just see his face screaming OH FREAKING GREAT NOW I’M HERE ALONE WITH THESE PEOPLE WHO HAD THE LIFE WE COULD’VE HAD IN A BETTER WORLD.
> 
> So he drinks. But even Twig!Tasha had some excellent words for him…
> 
> **Tasha** : Alicia said you grew up in the life?  
>  **Dean** : Yeah. Yeah, my Dad raised me and Sam to hunt.  
>  **Tasha** : And your mother?  
>  **Dean** : That’s complicated.  
>  **Tasha** : Yeah, family’s always complicated. Parents always seem smart and strong and perfect. It’s only when you grow up that you realize that they are just people.
> 
> Let’s not forget Dean’s talk with Jody in 11.12, too, where the two of them traded parental advice and commiseration. But they did it as equals. As FRIENDS, even.
> 
> Dean’s anxiety is already higher than average just going in to the situation in 12.20, and now that everything seems just fine at this point ^^ he’d rather have just gotten back on the road and left these people to their own lives. But no, he’s being polite, and that means he’s performing. But what the hell performance does he need to put on for these people? He doesn’t know them all that well (and doesn’t know Tasha at all).
> 
> He sees they already have this unique family bond, a causal humor with each other that he’s not familiar with at all, and he feels at loose ends trying to figure out just how to relate to them.
> 
> When Sam leaves him (ABANDONS HIM!) to go pick up their dinner, he grabs on to that wine glass like it’s the last solid thing in the room and holds on for dear life.
> 
> He’s still checking that phone constantly (without seeming like an antisocial dick), to the point that he left it sitting on a table when he got up to leave with Sam, when normally it would’ve been in his pocket. Everything about that scene, to me, was perfectly in character… when you think about all the circumstances leading up to it.
> 
> It was done exactly that way on purpose. Not so people would scream OUT OF CHARACTER! But so that maybe they’d think about WHY Dean was acting so uncomfortably.
> 
>  
> 
> [May 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160877828790/hey-i-was-wondering-what-this-perfoming-dean-tag)
> 
> 245 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: Hey, I was wondering what this perfoming dean tag is?? is it a destiel thing?**
> 
> No, it’s Dean’s macho, ubermanly hunterdudebro personality he fronts to the world. It’s pretty self-explanatory after a short jaunt through the tag…
> 
> A lot of that facade has absolutely crumbled now after 12.22, when we’ve finally launched a grenade at the foundation of that facade– which he began building after Mary’s death and had to be not only a brother to Sam, but also a father AND mother to him.
> 
> He’s never admitted that stuff to ANYONE before, about how it wasn’t fair to him to be given that burden at four years old, because of course he would feel like he’d failed.
> 
> It really puts most of the rest of the series into perspective (i mean just think about his conversation with Bobby in 2.22 about why he traded his soul for Sam’s, or why he’s always been so willing to trade his own happiness and life for Sam’s… that’s the sort of thing a PARENT does, not a brother…)
> 
> And the face parents create to present to their children– that they are competent, that they have everything under control, that they are invincible– (like the one Tasha Banes explained to Dean that only grown children can really understand about their parents, that they really are just people and not perfect beings) is what Dean’s been constructing for himself since Mary died.
> 
> That’s the essence of Performing Dean.
> 
> It manifests in supremely unhealthy coping mechanisms (whiskey and denial), the constant belief that he is unworthy or undeserving of love because of his perceived failures, and his lifelong mission to excel at the one thing he believed himself good at– hunting (including all the surrounding machomanlyman hunter “culture” that he learned from John– who was ALSO repressing a shitton of emotional baggage after Mary’s death).
> 
> Hopefully now that he’s made this revolutionary admission to Mary, we really will see the end of that performance.
> 
>  
> 
> [Jun 7, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161548457490/the-tnt-loop-has-looped-again-back-to-s1-each)
> 
> 31 notes
> 
> The TNT loop has… looped again. Back to s1. Each time it’s more shocking to return to Baby Sam and Smol Dean, but wow. After all the character growth for Dean in s12, and Sam finally stepping up as a leader in the way that traditionally felt to Dean, watching s1 again is a revelation.
> 
> Dean talking about his issues he’s been holding in since he was a child in 1.03, Sam hearing about some of Dean’s issues (at that time) about his jealousy that Sam was able to get out of the life for a short time, was able to stand up to John, while Dean just felt trapped there…
> 
> **Shapeshifter Dean:**  It’s funny. I kind of understand him. He’s all alone—close to no one. All he wants is for someone to love him. He’s like me. You know, everybody needs a little human touch now and then. It’s so hard to be different.
> 
> But in early s1, Dean was living that performance 24/7 because it was his only coping mechanism for all of that.
> 
> Heck all of the shapeshifter episodes are literally an exposition on performing Dean. This is the first time I’ve gone into a series rewatch feeling like we’re actually getting somewhere with all of this, too. That by the time I get to the end again Dean will have really shed some of these layers he’d wrapped himself in and begun to reconcile the core issues that he’d been guarding from the world his entire life.
> 
>  
> 
> [Sep 12, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150336617955/can-you-please-help-me-understand-how-else-im)
> 
> 44 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: Can you please help me understand how else I'm supposed to read the whole Dean blushing and stammering over Dr Sexy (and the cowboy boots comment) if he's not attracted to men? I started watching the series honestly expecting to conclude shippers were possibly reading into the whole dean is bi thing for the deancas ship but. I mean. How did the show runners expect us to read that scene??? Please explain.**
> 
> I can’t? I don’t think there really is another way to read that scene.
> 
> And I think you’ll find that yeah, while destiel shippers are here for the destiel, a significant number of us are destiel shippers in the first place because we recognize Dean is bi, and has been since long before Cas blew through those barn doors.
> 
> I haven’t even bothered to go through the mental gymnastics to find an alternate explanation for it. Everything about that scene presented Dean as bi. The fact that his interest in Dr. Sexy was paralleled to the attention of a romantic nature Sam received from the female doctor– and then Dean dialed it up to 11. He calmly commented on the one woman’s interaction with a ghost character as “compelling” and then practically jumped out of his shoes in giddy excitement when Dr. Sexy entered the room. Not to mention the fact that he seemed irrationally peeved when he realized that he was dealing with an “impostor” Dr. Sexy. He was so emotionally invested that he became enraged and threatening to find he’d been “tricked.”
> 
> And yeah, you could say the whole situation was fake, created entirely by Gabriel to manipulate Sam and Dean, but  _Dean had been invested in the scenario up until the deception was revealed_. Dean wasn’t being forced to act the way he did. That was his OWN reaction to the scenario Gabriel presented him with. It was pretty clear through the rest of the episode that each scenario they found themselves in was ENTIRELY dependent upon Sam and Dean’s choices. That was the whole point of Gabriel’s trick.
> 
> If I put on the No Homo Goggles™ (and ow why would anyone want to do that?), I guess the explanation for it is that he’s just a fan of the show and is a little starstruck? But Wow. I’ve seen starstruck, and that ain’t it. Similar to his fumbling and flustered meeting with Gunner in 11.15. The only difference between either of those meetings and the time he met the porn star he’d had similar feelings toward in 9.08 was that it was clear on screen that he actually had sex with Suzy. We can assume he didn’t get the chance with Dr. Sexy (since he was shot a few minutes later before Gabriel switched them over to the Japanese game show… NUTCRACKERRRRR!), nor with Gunner since poor Gunner ended up getting torn apart by Hellhounds…
> 
> So, yeah. there really isn’t a rational way to explain that scene unless you accept that Dean was attracted to Dr. Sexy, at least in my opinion.
> 
>  
> 
> [Jun 11, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161712437885/love-your-blog-so-lots-of-talk-about-early-season)
> 
> 13 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: Love your blog! So lots of talk about early season parallels and romantic tropes in season 12. Route 666 from season 1 was just on which reminds us that Dean and Cassie reunited, squabbled while baring their feelings and then ended up in bed together. Thoughts as related to any possible callbacks in future episodes?**
> 
> Heck yes, I just watched it this past week too… hooray for the TNT loop! :P
> 
> We have seen various callbacks to Dean and Cassie over the years, Here’s my tag for the episode, and there’s a link in the first post there (well, now the second post there below THIS post >.>) to Lizbob’s tag for it, which probably has a lot more stuff in it. I used to be really bad at tagging stuff (not that I’m much better now, but I’m trying at least).
> 
> <http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%201.13>
> 
> They’ve referenced it already in 10.05, with the whole “get in the car” scene while Sam and Dean were talking about Destiel… and other times as well, but yeah check out those links there ^^ for the multitudes of things they’ve already done with it.
> 
> Just as far as the things we learned about Dean in 1.13, that when he got serious about a relationship he couldn’t keep the truth about the rest of his life secret, like Sam managed to do with Jess and Amelia, and like we now know Mary did with John. And Dean hadn’t told Lisa about what he did until it became necessary in order to save Ben… so the fact that he DID tell Cassie was pretty damn significant, and let us know that he was probably more serious about her than anyone else he’d ever dated before her.
> 
> Then there was the whole “she looks at you when you’re not looking, and you look at her when she’s not looking” thing, and I’ve seen so many gif sets of Dean and Cas doing that thing…
> 
> But yeah, I’ve said it before, but if you look past most of the rest of the episode, there’s a lot of great Dean stuff in there. :D
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [Sep 25, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150917659055/yeah-casually-making-god-canon-bisexual-really)
> 
> 443 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: Yeah, casually making God canon bisexual really made me sit up again. I can't say exactly *how* yet, but i, probably like most people, have to wonder why they did that? Like you said, it wasn't just for kicks. So it got me me more into destiel again and thinking about it more, whereas up until then i'd felt like i'd been burned by it, frustrated, or just couldn't figure it out, etc. So my ears pricked up and i'm in the "well that's certainly interesting" mindset again.**
> 
> Hi there! And I offer your ears a kindly welcome back to the party.
> 
> I personally found it highly interesting especially after Chuck was shown, over the course of the last 4 episodes of the season, to essentially mimic Dean in every way they could possibly cram into the show. So here’s God, hanging out with the Winchesters at the end of all things, but what’s he doing?
> 
>   * he takes really long showers (which we know is one of Dean’s favorite little luxuries)
>   * he constantly sings “crappy old folk songs” (while Dean’s been teased for years about his “mullet rock” addiction, Driver picks the music and all that)
>   * Chuck lies. He does it A Lot. And they’re very Dean-like lies. More like deflections, very much the way Dean performs Dean. Chuck performs Chuck. Even Metatron called him out on it.
>   * Without asking, he just decided to wear Dean’s BATHROBE. The dead guy robe. The one embroidered with Tyrone Power’s initials. I already wrote about that one [right here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145208777055/hi-ive-not-seen-anyone-mention-this-but-after).
>   * Chuck’s dietary habits are very Dean-like also. He asks for bacon, specifically, which surprises Dean. (not even mentioning how the guy Dean once referred to as “my gay thing” ALSO broke religious edicts and enjoyed bacon…) (plus the whole “[bacon masterpost](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150728575525/nothing-to-see-here-carver-era-bacon-edition)” that Cass made the other day. Because bacon isn’t just bacon, it’s become a symbol, a code word in authorial shorthand)
>   * Chuck found and watched Dean’s porn. While sitting at the table in his boxers with his feet up, eating and drinking just like Dean.
>   * Just like Dean once tried to point out the value of creation to Cas back during the apocalypse, Chuck attempts the same thing with Amara. And this is just ONE of the narrative parallels here.
>   * Chuck takes over Dean’s kitchen (because come on, it’s Dean’s kitchen) and makes pancakes for everyone. Like he’s nesting or something.
> 

> 
> And this isn’t even mentioning the metaphysical parallel via Amara. Amara tried to use Dean as a proxy for Chuck. Chuck tried to use Dean as a proxy for himself in dealing with Amara. In all of their conversations, Chuck attempted to shoehorn Dean into the role that Chuck should’ve been playing all along. He told Dean that humanity would step up after he was gone, implying that Dean could somehow fill his shoes. Chuck couldn’t kill Amara; Dean couldn’t kill Amara (from the conversation toward the end of 11.22). 
> 
> There’s obviously more to it than this, but these are the easily observable surface-layer comparisons that might prompt someone to wonder if there might be something deeper going on here with this comparison, you know?
> 
> [spn 11.21](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.21) [spn 11.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.22) [spn 11.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.23) 
> 
>  
> 
> [Jun 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/162047796690/im-watching-220-and-having-every-dean-feeling)
> 
> 43 notes
> 
> I’m watching 2.20 and having EVERY DEAN FEELING EVER, and I know I just went through this flailing like two months ago when I watched it last time but I can’t help it.
> 
> The scene in the restaurant where Dean sees the other girl trapped in the djinn dream and walks away from Sam, it’s like his “family” are all agents of the djinn, just like they are at the end of his dream when they’re all talking him down from killing himself.
> 
> But every time the girl that’s “haunting” Dean disappears, that’s probably when the djinn returned to drug Dean again and push him further into the dream world.
> 
> Mary even says, “It’s everything you want, we’re a family again.” But it was just a wish. Dean didn’t wish for the “perfect life.” He just wished for Mary to live. He didn’t wish for “happiness” for himself. And none of it was even real anyway.
> 
> And that’s just freaking  _sad_.
> 
> I have said all this before. This post contains no new information. Yet here I am posting it all again anyway.
> 
> In s12, Dean finally gets the painfully real version of the Mary Lives Wish. It doesn’t turn out like the djinn dream at all. It’s “less than perfect” in very different ways, because the REAL Mary doesn’t exist just to fulfill Dean’s wish. She’s a real person of her own, because that doesn’t satisfy Dean’s WANT for her to be in his life, but it satisfies the NEED that only a real understanding of Mary can give him.
> 
> S12 isn’t this “illusion of what might’ve been” and a fake chance at a superficial semblance of happiness, it’s the beginning of the process that might eventually lead Dean to  _real_  happiness.
> 
>  
> 
> [Sep 25, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150936146950/am-i-the-only-one-in-this-fandom-who-doesnt-think)
> 
> 81 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: Am I the only one in this fandom who doesn't think Benny/Dean was a thing??**
> 
> [bluestar86](http://bluestar86.tumblr.com/post/150933393818/am-i-the-only-one-in-this-fandom-who-doesnt-think):
>
>> [elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/150931029403/am-i-the-only-one-in-this-fandom-who-doesnt-think):
>>
>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150927849580/am-i-the-only-one-in-this-fandom-who-doesnt-think):
>>>
>>>> Hi there! And no, you’re not. Cool thing about fandom: No matter what you personally think and feel about stuff, there’s bound to be at least one other person who will agree with you. Which is awesome. :D
>>>> 
>>>> Much to the chagrin of some of my friends, I don’t think Benny/Dean was a thing either. And you know, I bet some of the people who ship Dean/Benny aren’t even sure if it was an actual thing in canon, but that’s also one of the marvelous things about fandom. Things don’t have to be explicit canon in order for us to find enjoyment in them.
>>>> 
>>>> Fanfic, fan art, and headcanons don’t have to be justified in canon. If you like the idea of two characters together, even if those characters never even met in canon, why not enjoy imagining them together and then exploring those potential relationships however you feel moved to do so? It’s GLORIOUS!
>>>> 
>>>> I mean, I’ve read some wonderful fic with such strange canonically impossible pairings of Jo/Charlie, for example. And really enjoyed them!
>>>> 
>>>> Heck, I’ve even read meta analyzing the potential that Dean and Benny did have a canon relationship (at least presented subtextually in parallel with Sam’s relationship with Amelia, which was textually a sexual/romantic relationship).
>>>> 
>>>> I know it’s a fairly popular ship in fic, too. I mean, nowhere near the number of destiel shippers, but there are quite a fair few people who ship it and have apparently written some really beautiful stories. I haven’t read them myself because I can’t get past my own mental block on the ship, but that’s MY issue, not an issue with the writers or their stories.
>>>> 
>>>> And I do admit that I could see it in canon a little bit on Benny’s side of things, but I personally was never able to see past Dean’s single-minded rampage through Purgatory on his hunt for the angel to even remotely believe that Dean returned Benny’s feelings. I think Dean really did feel brotherly toward Benny, the way soldiers in the trenches feel a brotherly bond, but that whole time Dean’s sole objective was finding Cas, and that’s what haunted him once he got out and failed to get Cas out, too. Benny may have been the surface parallel to Sam’s relationship with Amelia, but all the underlying thoughts, feeling and emotions connect back to Cas, with Benny paralleling more to the role of the dog Sam hit, rather than to the girlfriend he’d ended up abandoning when Dean came back…
>>>> 
>>>> And gosh, I think I need to add that meta to the list of things I should be meta-ing about… Like the dog facilitated Sam meeting Amelia, Benny facilitated Dean finding Cas. It… kind of gives more weight to Dean’s repeated comment, “Sam hit a dog.” AARGH. Just what I need. More stuff to think about. :D
>>>> 
>>>> So no, you’re not the only one. But I also get why people see it, and why they’d enjoy reading and writing fic and creating art for their ship. And we can all enjoy the fact that we’re all deriving our own enjoyment from the same show in so many different ways. :)
>>> 
>>> Yeah, I also don’t know if I really ship it at all, or that anything was implied by canon  _overtly_  from Dean’s end in any way… I mostly find myself enjoying how it was all framed in a meta way as ridiculous bi!Dean subtext paralleling Amelia to Benny - though as you point out there are a billion different angles to parallel the characters in season 8, and some episodes managed dozens of them just depending on the line currently being spoken :P Stuff like the break up line from Charlie in 8x11 seems fairly straightforward paralleling though and the most obvious… Anyway, I often find myself viewing it very abstractly just as parallels and implications where the subtext is saying more about Dean in a way almost just posing the question than actually trying to tell us anything about the reality of their relationship. 
>>> 
>>> There are plenty of times Sam and Dean have been paralleled in similar ways to romantic couples in order to get at a certain side of their current conflict or whatever and I’ll always take it as a given this subtext isn’t implying they’re literally married or in love, but is part of the particular way their story is told. (Of all the many, many dudes Dean gets this sort of thing with, Crowley is the only one (Cas excepted as an example because huge and complicated story) I’d say ever really crossed a line in that way; there’s dead on nothing between Benny and Dean implied about their time in Purgatory compared to what we get with Dean and Crowley’s summer of love).
>> 
>> As much as I love Dean and Benny’s relationship in canon I have never been able to actually ‘ship’ them romantically. The show does of course put the subtext in there for us to meta about and it is a valid reading. But like what both Mittens and Lizzie said, at that point in time, Dean’s primary focus was always Cas. He bonded with Benny and I am not gonna deny that there were somehomoerotic moments between them. But I can’t see it that way as it would completely distract from Dean’s motives in purgatory and his mourning after purgatory. 
>> 
>> I gotta agree with Lizzie on this one that sadly enough, the worst ship on the show was more ‘canon’ than Dean x Benny. Simply because the writers brought it so close to textually canon that it made it impossible NOT to see it. Whilst with Dean x Benny, it remains firmly hidden in the subtext.
>> 
>> As much as I may loathe to admit it, at this point in the shows canon timeline, the  _only_ other main male character that I think Dean has actually canonically ‘crossed the line’ with is Crowley. 
>> 
>> I  _DO_ think that they slept together many times during their ‘summer of love’ because the text and the subtext of the show both heavily imply it. As well as many of Crowley’s comments to Dean after the events.
>> 
>> Whereas with Benny, and also, sadly, with Cas, the subtext has only gone as far as to maybe imply romantic feelings, but never truly give us any indication that they have actually ‘done the deed’. ( _9x06 fanfiction gap notwithstanding because even though I love that theory, I don’t think that logically this could have happened between the two characters and not have something change in the show between the way they interact - compare this to how Dean and Crowley’s dynamic HAS changed, and there is your final clue_.)
>> 
>> Honestly, I think that Dean and Benny were blood brothers, soldiers in the trenches who will forever have a deep bond because of what they went through together, but that their relationship was always platonic.
> 
> Yeah, I was thinking about this post after I wrote the original and seriously considered coming back and adding the stuff about Crowley for comparison’s sake, because yeah. ^^ everything y’all added there. Thanks for saving me the bother of typing it all out. :D
> 
>  
> 
> [Sep 25, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150940602130/i-feel-like-making-chuck-bi-just-means-we-are-not)
> 
> 21 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: I feel like making Chuck bi just means we are not getting textually bi Dean. They're not afraid to make a character bi so if Dean is bi why don't they just say so? I was honestly so disappointed when that came out.**
> 
> Well, I assume this was prompted by the other post I posted? This one:  <http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150937907685/yeah-casually-making-god-canon-bisexual-really>
> 
> In which we compared all the ways that Chuck was specifically emulating Dean, and every new character detail we learned about Chuck  _also seemed to apply to Dean_. Some of these things were completely clear and obvious, like the robe and watching all of Dean’s porn on Dean’s laptop. Some of these are subtler, like the bacon comment and the music and shower stuff. But because of this  _pattern_  of comparisons between the two, at what point are we to say, Well, they obviously mean  _those things_ apply to both characters, but  _they can’t possibly mean that THAT thing does_.
> 
> It’s creating an arbitrary cutoff point for all these references, beyond which the comparison is supposed to end. And I can’t come up with a single reason the line should be drawn at “Chuck confirmed in canon that he is bisexual and has dated both men and women,” so therefore Dean can’t possibly be bisexual.
> 
> This show has done  _everything_  in baby steps. Especially when it comes to Dean, his sexuality, and his relationship with Castiel. It took  _eleven years_  for Dean to admit he loves chick flicks. It took a span of 26 episodes (between 10.16 and 11.19) for Dean to go from admitting he’d like to experience something more with someone  _out loud and outside the sanctity of the confessional, and most importantly IN FRONT OF SAMMY._ And that was specifically in reference to a gay married couple.
> 
> So no, identifying Chuck as bisexual, if anything, is just one more step forward. This progression is by no means over. Considering the way Dean was raised, the way he prefers to deal with his emotions (with whiskey and denial), and how little he’s tended to think of himself over the years, it’s amazing he’s come as far as he has in the last few seasons. This hasn’t been an easy thing for him, and he’s not just gonna come out and say it, drape himself in a bi pride flag and suddenly just miraculously be fine. He’s on a soul-searching journey, redefining his relationship with his brother, redefining his relationship with Cas, and now getting to establish a real relationship with his mother for the first time in his life. I’d rather not see this journey belittled by having him deliver the same sort of carefree coming out speech that Chuck did. THAT’S where I’d draw the line at where the parallels between them ended.
> 
>  
> 
> [Jun 22, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/162127040430/sooo-rewatching-306-i-can-already-hear-yalls)
> 
> 65 notes
> 
> Sooo, rewatching 3.06. I can already hear y’all’s eyes rolling and see y’all’s painful groaning and muttering about  _not the dumb ghost ship_. But forget all that bit. I just want to focus on the Sam and Dean bit at the end of the episode. 
> 
> At the beginning of the episode, Dean confronted Sam about having gone after the crossroads demon he sold his soul to. Sam’s still trying to find a way to save Dean from Hell, but Dean of course is still trying to talk him out of it (because if he breaks the deal, Sam dies). At the end, Dean admits he understands why Sam went after her, saying he would’ve done the same thing so he can’t blame Sam for that.
> 
> Dean has so far framed his entire reasoning around this in a “parental” way, believing that Sam will be okay after he’s gone, framing all of their discussions on the topic in an “I know what’s best” way even when Sam accuses him explicitly of doing the same thing John did to him (i.e. putting Dean textually into the parental role in the scenario). In a weird reversal of the promise Sam elicits from Dean at the end of s5 to go live a “normal, apple pie life” because that’s the life SAM always wanted, Dean encourages Sam to keep hunting, carrying on the Family Business that DEAN has always wanted.
> 
> **DEAN** : Yeah, you’ll keep hunting, y'know, you live your life. You’re stronger than me. You are! (SAM clears his throat) you are… you’ll get over it. But I want you to know I’m sorry, I’m sorry for… putting you through all this, I am.  
>  **SAM** : You know what, Dean? Go screw yourself.  
>  **DEAN** : What?  
>  **SAM** : I don’t want an apology from you! And by the way, I’m a big boy now, I can take care of myself.
> 
> But it’s like Sam doesn’t understand that Dean’s playing the parental role, even while calling him out on the fact. He doesn’t get that Dean’s not just following exactly in John’s footsteps, but that his motivations for doing so were identical to John’s… Watch out for Sammy. Look after your little brother.
> 
> At least Sam finally expresses his real concern about Dean:
> 
> **SAM** (voice raising): So would you please quit worrying about me? I mean that’s the whole problem in the first place. I don’t want you to worry about me, Dean, I want you to worry about you! I want you to give a crap that you’re dying!
> 
> But in 3.07 Dean proves he still doesn’t give a crap that he’s dying, using himself as bait for the vampire, as bait for Gordon and Kubrick, and casually risking his life over and over again. It’s exactly what the vampire says about his own life:
> 
> **VAMPIRE** : I was desperate! You ever felt desperate? (shot of DEAN’s face) I’ve lost everyone I ever loved. I’m staring down eternity alone. (shot of DEAN’s face) Can you think of a worse hell?  
>  **DEAN** : Well, there’s Hell.  
>  **VAMPIRE** : I wasn’t thinking. I just … I didn’t care anymore. Do you know it’s like when you just don’t give a damn? It’s like … it’s like being dead already. So just go ahead. (looks down at DEAN’s knife) Do it.
> 
> But it’s also the situation that SAM will be left in after Dean goes to Hell… his entire family gone, all alone. And suddenly Dean understands there might be worse things than actual Hell.
> 
> He’s still not ready to drop the act in front of Sam. I mean, Sam uses the exact words:
> 
> **SAM** : I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. 
> 
> And the worst part of all of this is it takes  _nine more years_  for Dean to really get any sort of resolution to this. Yelling at the dream demon version of himself might be a lil bit cathartic, and he might come to a greater understanding of all the circumstances that led to the Winchester family feeling “cursed,” but it takes him actually confronting Mary with the entire truth in 12.22 to finally let all of this go.
> 
> Yes, 12.22 has officially changed everything.
> 
>  
> 
> [Jun 30, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/162449342145/as-you-may-have-noticed-by-my-various-rebloggery)
> 
> 13 notes
> 
> As you may have noticed by my various rebloggery today, Lizbob was watching 2.20, while I’ve been deep into s4. I happened to be watching the end of 4.17 around the time Lizbob hit the end of 2.20, and we realized the two BM scenes were eerily similar:
> 
> elizabethrobertajones  
> oh hey here’s the plot of 4x17 in 2x20:  
> SAM I… guess we just don’t really have anything in common. You know?  
> DEAN blinks.  
> SAM starts to walk away.  
> DEAN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yes we do. Yes we do. (laughs)  
> SAM What?  
> DEAN Hunting.  
> SAM Hunting? I’ve never been hunting in my life, Dean.  
> DEAN Yeah, well, then we should go it sometime. I… I think you’d be great at it.
> 
> mittensmorgul  
> YEP. Just flip the names, and you have 4.17
> 
> * * *
> 
> I really hate Zachariah. I mean, my tag for the dude is just me going on about how all my tags for him involve the fact that Dean stabbed him in the face. That’s how much I hate the guy…
> 
> **SAM** : With you. We were these, like, hunters, and we were friends. More like brothers, really. I mean, what if that’s who we really are? I mean, you saw us back there, working together. The ghost was scrambling people’s brains. What if it scrambled ours?  
>  **DEAN** : That’s insane.  
>  **SAM** : Is it? Think about it for just one second. What if we think this is our life, but it’s not?  
>  **DEAN** : Hey, man, the ghost is dead and we’re still standing. I mean, I’m sorry, but—  
>  **SAM** : Look, all I know is this isn’t who we’re supposed to be.  
>  **DEAN** : No. I’m Dean Smith, okay? Director of Sales and Marketing. I went to Stanford. My father’s name is Bob, my mother’s name is Ellen, and my sister’s name is Jo.  
>  **SAM** : When was the last time you talked to them? To any of them?  
>  **DEAN** : Okay, you’re upset. You’re upset, you’re confused—  
>  **SAM** : Yeah, ‘cause I only moved here 'cause I just broke up with my fiancée, Madison. But I called her number and I got a damn animal hospital.  
>  **DEAN** : Okay. What are you saying? Are you trying to say that my family isn’t real? Huh? That we’ve been injected with fake memories? Come on.  
>  **SAM** : All I know is, I got this feeling in my gut. And I know—I know that deep down, you gotta be feeling it too. We’re supposed to be something else. You’re not just some corporate douchebag. This isn’t you. I know you.  
>  **DEAN** : Know me? You don’t know me, pal. You should go.
> 
> * * *
> 
> 4.17 starts up RIGHT AFTER Dean tells Cas at the end of 4.16 that they picked the wrong guy to save the world, that he couldn’t do it. He’s been suffering from an increasing despondency that’s only been getting worse since he was sprung from Hell. He doesn’t trust Sam right now, having just learned that Sam had been lying YET AGAIN about using his demon blood powers, and he’s having some MAJOR reservations about Heaven being a better alternative to all the demon nonsense.
> 
> But like Hell needed to tear Dean down enough to go through with selling his soul at the end of s2 (which Lizbob already meta’d about today), Heaven needed to tear down Sam and Dean both during s4– to beat them into the right shape so that they’d be willing to say yes to Michael and Lucifer.
> 
> This version of Dean in 4.17 isn’t ANY sort of “real” version of Dean. It’s not Dean raised free of hunting making his own choices about anything. It’s Dean being forced to conform to a VERY SPECIFIC set of “alternatives” that Zachariah KNEW would push every last one of Dean’s buttons.
> 
> The overly self-conscious, perpetually dieting and cleansing, NPR-listening and Prius-driving– there’s absolutely  _nothing_  of Dean’s personality left. Especially post 12.11. We see him stripped of his memories there, too, and that version of Dean is NOTHING like Zachariah’s manipulated version.
> 
> Which is yet another parallel to how Cas is acting post 12.19, but I won’t go into that yet again here, when I’m meant to be talking about Sam and Dean. :P
> 
> This is all just so painful, because in Dean’s self-created AU world in 2.20, he was the one desperately clinging to any sort of thread of connection between himself and that version of Sam who’d never been exposed to hunting or monsters. In the end, AU Sam was one of the characters trying to hold Dean in that false reality.
> 
> In 4.17, Zachariah’s version of Sam served the opposite purpose, to pull Dean back toward reality, toward hunting, and toward the vaguely outlined “work” the angels had for Dean. In the end, Dean only broke free from the illusion of Dean Smith when he made the choice for himself.
> 
>  
> 
> [Oct 8, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/151528671630/id-definitely-lay-out-the-bi-dean-subtext-if-he)
> 
> 89 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: I'd definitely lay out the bi dean subtext if he hasn't even gripped that yet. Because it's kinda like teaching someone advanced algebra when they haven't mastered basic math yet? Right now you're at "So, here's the thing; Dean and Cas are in love." Him: "Wait, Dean's into dudes?!" Think about what you're scientifically measuring; are you measuring him seeing bi dean or him seeing destiel? If you decide to keep saying nothing, you might need to change what you're waiting for him to see.**
> 
> I had originally started this experiment when he basically told me that he saw the relationship, but didn’t think it could go anywhere because Cas was in a male vessel. I was (at the time, three years ago) so stunned by his observation that I basically just nodded and gawked at him like a champ.
> 
> This was before I’d jumped into the meta pool, and in addition to being so gobsmacked that I couldn’t form any sort of coherent reply, I didn’t exactly have a strong argument to the contrary… because to me,  _it was obvious from s1 that Dean was bi_. I was frankly more shocked that he didn’t understand THAT, than that he saw the destiel in the first place, you know?
> 
> So, yeah, I say I’m waiting for him to see the destiel, but really I’m waiting for him to see the bi Dean. He really does already see the relationship between Dean and Cas is clearly something special, but without the underlying understanding that Dean is bisexual (or alternately the sort of declaration or unambiguous action that viewers who don’t see the bi!Dean can at least accept as “gay for Cas” even though ugh no pls), the pieces just don’t fit right. Therefore when I ask him (in a different situation, without the context of one of those scenes that inspired him to suggest that in the first place) who Dean could be pining for, no matter how he’s observed them interacting in the past, there’s just a mental block from even putting Cas on the list of possibilities, you know?
> 
> That was the major reason I’d been pushing him into an s11 bingewatch, hoping that all the different subtextual layers would become undeniable if I just bombarded him with them all at once.
> 
> I’ve also told him that I’ve been running a series of Casual Viewer Experiments on him, but I’ve framed it as trying to remain objective as a meta writer, because I know I can become a bit tunnel-visioned regarding other aspects of the show, as well. Sometimes I appreciate the reminder of what it looks like from the surface layers lest I become too enamored with the sea floor I forget to bob up for a breath of air once in a while. :P
> 
> He’s taken that job maybe a bit too seriously, tbh…
> 
> So yeah, I’ve been waiting for him to see the bi subtext when it’s possibly something he’ll never be able to pick up on. And that was the original experiment. What would it take, how explicit does the show need to be, for him to get it. Short of Dean outright saying “I am bisexual,” or even possibly a Dean flashback episode along the lines of what [@bluestar86](https://tmblr.co/m-wUC-tY8dlf7K9XGjK6Xkw) proposed where we see him having a youthful romance a la Robin from 9.07 but with a boy… yeah. I’m just curious what it takes for A Straight™ to see the bi subtext, when I, A Queer™ have seen it from the start.
> 
> I found it so baffling that he didn’t seem to get it, and somehow we’ve ended up here, nearly three years later.
> 
> Now that first day he brought it up, if I’d been prepared for that conversation, I’d probably have just blurted out something like, “Um, you know, Dean’s not exactly straight…” and that would have been that. And I did blurt out (in a state of inebriation one night at a local dive bar) that yeah Dean probably would dig that male bartender.., So I mean the seeds are planted from him to get it, and he still hasn’t seemed to put it together. Just how obvious does it have to be? Is showing him a list of the canon examples of that subtext enough? How far does the show have to go to “prove” it to someone who just doesn’t have the tools to spot it on their own?
> 
> So yeah, at this point? Maybe the true experiment would be to present him with all the evidence and then outright ask him how much more evidence he needs before he believes it. Because really it’s not a matter of the evidence not being sufficient, but the evidence being presented in a secret code and he just doesn’t own the decoder ring.
> 
>  
> 
> [Aug 6, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/163884377430/i-thought-dean-was-in-love-with-cassie-just-a)
> 
> 45 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: I thought Dean was in love with Cassie. Just a very innocent first love, almost like something a teenager would have. which made sense to me, since Dean never got to experience that when he was a teenager.**
> 
> Yeah. Their whole relationship sounds like a Bobby Darin song. It’s like one step more mature than his relationship with Robin had been when he was 16, and didn’t really have a say in whether or not he could stay, or if he’d ever be back to see her again.
> 
> But it still had that naivete to it, with Cassie in college, and Dean feeling like he could confess his whole life to her within a few weeks of meeting her. And like Cassie said when they met again (presumably at least three or four years after they’d parted the first time), that they were always good at fighting, thinking that Dean had lied to her about his life because it was just so wackadoo. And she accused him of being emotionally closed off:
> 
> **CASSIE** : Oh. Whenever we get, what’s the word….close? Anywhere in the neighbourhood of emotional vulnerability, you back off. Or make some joke. Or find any way to shut the door on me. 
> 
> Their entire fight after that was Dean basically telling her that he bared his soul to her, and she dumped him for it. I don’t think he ever tried to get close to anyone again after that, and it likely had a lot to do with the performing Dean we met in 1.01. Reconciling with Cassie in that episode gave him a resolution on that to a very small degree, but it still took him a heck of a long time to get to where he is now in s12– and he’s STILL playing that performance to a degree. It’s armor for him, and it isn’t as simple as a single conversation to peel all that armor away.
> 
> But he’s getting there.
> 
>  
> 
> [Oct 12, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/151690149435/i-just-rewatched-love-hurts-from-s11-and-i-find)
> 
> 74 notes
> 
> **[ltleflrt](http://ltleflrt.tumblr.com/) asked: I just rewatched Love Hurts from S11, and I find it interesting that the Qareen monster shows up first as a male, then twice as a female. But when Sam and Dean refer to it, they call it a "he". Have you written or seen any Bi Dean meta about this?**
> 
> [ltleflrt](http://ltleflrt.tumblr.com/post/151685453293/i-just-rewatched-love-hurts-from-s11-and-i-find):
>
>> The fact that it manifests as a shame-filled desire seems to point big flashing red arrows at the fact that Dean is deeply closeted.  At least that’s how I saw it when I watched it today.  
> 
> Yep. The qareen!Amara says she (and I use “she” because Amara presents as female here), she says she can “feel the longing” in Dean’s heart, and says she can feel it too. But the qareen has already lied about love to its previous two victims.
> 
> The husband dude (eff if I can remember his name,, DAN! Thanks superwiki…) said (about the babysitter) that  “ Anyone who met her fell in love with her.” Really, Dan? FELL  **IN LOVE**  with her? That’s a really strange way to phrase it… Pretty sure your wife wasn’t in love with her. From your interaction with her at the beginning of the episode it doesn’t even seem like you’re in love with her. Because that looked like an all around power and manipulation game. If that’s your idea of love, yeesh.
> 
> The qareen didn’t even say anything to the babysitter, just touched her, massaged her shoulders, and then punched out her heart. Makes me think the whole basis for their relationship was literally physical and a manipulation (like the definition of massage as “muscle manipulation.”)
> 
> For Dan, the babysitter came in and told him that she wanted him to give her his heart, which was essentially what she’d demanded of him back in that first scene. She wanted him to dump his wife for her, she wanted him to give her his metaphorical heart. The qareen just made it literal.
> 
> But with the wife, Melissa, it needed words. It needed to “prove” its love to her. It called her “honey” and “baby” and asked to be let in.
>
>> honey, please let me in. I love you. (She continues backing away. He punches through the door. She screams. He opens the door.) Don’t worry honey. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m your husband. (She screams again, runs away, sprays him with mace, breaks a flower pot over his head, grabs her purse, and runs out the door.) 
> 
> It practically begs while trying to reassure her. Then blatantly lies about not hurting her because he’s her husband. But her husband DID hurt her. That’s why she’d used the “love spell” in the first place. She was trying to force him to love her again. It took her own desires and weaponized them against her. And she was terrified.
> 
> So when it finally turns on Dean, he takes this form of this thing he later confesses absolutely terrifies him, not because it’s something he wants, but because it’s something he explicitly does not want.And he knows right away that it’s not the real Amara because it has no power over him. Dean  _confused_ the qareen:
>
>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/151678925430/i-just-rewatched-love-hurts-from-s11-and-i-find):
>>
>>> I KNOW. Ugh. I just watched it again a few days ago, too, so it’s fresh in my mind. But you know, I don’t think anyone ever addressed it from that particular angle before…
>>> 
>>> And just a few episodes later, in 11.19, we had another sort of “body snatcher” episode where an apparently “junkless” creature took over people’s bodies and used them in a specifically heterosexual reproductive fashion. Like the bissan literally stole human bodies to use the genitalia. It’s almost a complete 180 of the quareen, retaining its (or HIS) own identity no matter who it was impersonating.
>>> 
>>> I… have no idea how that’s relevant, but kiddo and I were just talking about the Chitters literally two minutes ago so it’s stuck in my brain, too. :P
>>> 
>>> My first thought was to check and see what the witch’s notes said, that maybe her notes implied that the quareen was male, but nope. Every one of her notes refers to the quareen as “it,” not “he.” (pardon my terrible screencapping skills…)
>>> 
>>>   
>    
> 
>>> 
>>> so, yeah, Sam and Dean decided it was a he and stuck with that, even after it showed up as the babysitter and then Amara. 
>>> 
>>> I’m not sure how this relates to bi!Dean, since the quareen (in my opinion) was explicitly not about love but about obsession. It was MISTAKEN for a love spell by the woman who loosed the monster on her husband, but Sam pointed out it wasn’t a love spell but an ancient curse. I stopped thinking of any of the monster’s interactions with Dean (whether male or female) to have anything to do with love or real attraction at that point. Dean saw through it’s illusion almost instantly anyway. :)
>> 
>> Amara: Who I am doesn’t matter. The real question is who are you?  
> Dean: What do you mean who am I?  
> Amara: You’re a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel. Except it’s cloaked in shame. When it comes to this, you can’t help yourself, so why fight it. Just give in.
> 
> It’s really subtle, but the difference is really clear once you see it. The qareen is trying to parse Dean’s desire. On the surface it can sense the fact that Dean can’t help himself in Amara’s presence, and yeah, that’s something we know has been troubling Dean all season. He’d confessed it to Cas(ifer) in 11.11. But what the qareen says to Dean seems to be referring to TWO DIFFERENT THINGS
> 
> 1\. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel, except it’s cloaked in shame. and
> 
> 2\. When it comes to this (she drags a hand across her own chest for emphasis) you can’t help yourself, so why fight it? Just give in.
> 
> THESE ARE NOT BOTH ABOUT AMARA. THIS IS WHY THE QAREEN FINDS DEAN TO BE SUCH A MYSTERY. THERE ARE TWO SEPARATE THINGS GOING ON HERE!!!
> 
> The love cloaked in shame is one thing entirely separate from Amara (and I think we all know why Dean’s feelings for Cas might be “cloaked in shame.” I think there’s plenty of meta on the subject…). The qareen is offering what it DOES understand, though. Something far simpler. The manipulation, the “mr. right now” that Dean called  _himself_ at the beginning of the episode. And for Dean, that obsessive, terrifying, unhealthy desire takes the form of Amara’s mind control over him. And Dean? Faced with that? Just doesn’t buy it.
> 
> Basically the qareen was forced to choose between two things, and it chose wrong. And it died for it.
> 
>  
> 
> #  [Family Business](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/166327390805/family-business)
> 
> [Oct 12, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/166327390805/family-business)
> 
> 25 notes
> 
> I just rewatched 7.18 and couldn’t help notice a LOT of connections back to 12.18, so here’s a bullet-pointed list:
> 
> -Both episodes involve a long-standing family business. In 12.18 it takes the form of a meat packing plant owned by a single family for generations, while 7.18 is a brewery owned by three friends who intend to pass the business on to their children. Legacies!
> 
> -12.18 involved a man who was desperate to leave the horror associated with his family’s legacy behind and atone for the bad deeds of his ancestors, while 7.18 involved two of the three partners in the brewery “selling the business out from under” the third, and the third seeking revenge for having been “sold out”
> 
> -7.18′s brewery was called Northwest while it was lampshaded several times that it was actually located in Kansas, despite the beer they produced being popular in the PNW… and the plant in 12.18 was actually located in the PNW but for some reason ([I meta’d at the time](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159572483805/you-learned-it-from-the-goats)) prominently featured a real-world beer brand produced in the midwest… (also see this post about[ the rule of three](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159622718155/the-rule-of-three), since it also seems relevant to the three owners of the original brewery in 7.18)
> 
> -both episodes involve the subversion of a legacy… in 7.18 one partner was cheated out of the business by the other two because he refused to “sell out” to a brewer and was trying to preserve the integrity of their small craft beer, but in 12.18 one man was trying to reclaim his family’s integrity by selling out the “company town” to the people his family’s dark past and greed had essentially held bound for generations.
> 
> -in 7.18 the excluded party uses a shojo– a spirit trapped in a bottle of sake and specifically targeted to kill an entire family via a spell– to exact his revenge. In 12.18, one brother had tried to dismantle the influence his family had wielded via an entrapped old god while another brother discovered that legacy and freed the god to do HIS bidding.
> 
> -both episodes featured an “illegitimate son” of the families in question– in 7.18 he was unaware of his status as a potential heir to the business and it only came out in order to save his life from the shojo. in 12.18, the illegitimate son KNEW his whole life that he’d been excluded from the family business and had been the one to begin the killings again in a misguided grab for some of that family power he’d never been allowed to have before.
> 
> And then there’s just the surface-level similarities between the episodes, such as the fact that Sam and Dean were brought into both cases by an outside party. In 7.18 it was a “friendly” party– i.e. Garth– who had no malicious intent behind asking for their help. In 12.18 it was the BMoL, who used the entire case as a distraction to gain access to the Winchester’s secure base (and tidy Family Legacy Metaphor), the Bunker.
> 
> Garth always seems to show up some of Performing Dean’s manly-man mask, freely admitting he specifically chose the weird motel room BECAUSE of the reasons Dean mocked him about it for:
> 
> DEAN picks up a motel card on the table next to him.  
>  **DEAN** : "Afternoon Delights"? Really, Garth? Don’t you think this place is a little, uh…  
>  **GARTH** : Uh, you want a nice hot tub after a day at the office. It’s the little things.
> 
> and then makes fun of the froofy beer before actually tasting it…
> 
> **SAM** : Hey. Either of you ever heard of Thighslapper Ale?  
>  **GARTH** : Is that a stripper or a beverage?  
>  **DEAN** : Beverage for douchebags.  
>  **SAM** : Uh, number one microbrew in the Pacific Northwest.  
>  **GARTH** : But we’re in Kansas.  
>  **DEAN** : Yeah, I rest my case. What’s your point?  
> […]  
>  **DEAN** : All right, that’s it. [He gets up.] No microbrew is worth… [He puts his flask down on the counter near GARTH and the EMF reader starts to make noise.] …what was it – eight Food Magazine awards? [He takes beer bottles out of the fridge.] Beer’s not food. It’s… [He puts a bottle down for GARTH.] …whatever water is.  
> DEAN gives SAM a bottle and inspects the label on his own bottle.  
>  **DEAN:** Hmm. Thighslapper. [He takes a drink.] Wow, that’s actually awesome. Damn it, I’m not even mad anymore.
> 
> And I think we’ve meta’d[ the Performing Dean of 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-bs-cafe) to absolute death, right? Right.
> 
> And in both episodes, Cas is… out of the picture. In 7.18 he’d just taken on Sam’s hell damage and was catatonic in a mental hospital. In 12.18 he was MIA and the Winchesters had been trying to reach him (they didn’t know yet that he was in Heaven). In 7.18 they were also being “haunted” by Bobby, and just about to figure out the full truth of that situation and reaching out to Bobby. In 12.18 they were being “haunted” by Mary’s deal with the BMoL and were just about to figure out the full truth of that situation and reaching out to Mary…
> 
> For two seemingly throw-away episodes, there’s an awful lot going on here. If I weren’t too hopped up on cough medicine I’d go into more detail, but wheee at least I provided links for anyone interested in making connections for themselves. :P
> 
>  
> 
> Oct 15, 2016
> 
> 96 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: 1/2 I think, too, that people sometimes don't realize how common subtext is to everyday communication and basic interactions. When most people think subtext, they probably think "something that may or may not be there" or "something you only see if you're reading too much into things." But subtext is all around us. It's Mary's impala scene. It's Jessy and Cesar. It's any time you infer something based on what you see, hear, and how the other characters react. It's so common and useful.**
>
>> 2/2 Yet destiel is “crazy” but Jessy and Cesar are valid, even though neither have been outright confirmed in a non-subtextual sense? Also, when we say subtext in regards to destiel, it’s not just delusionally looking at one or two scenes; that could be considered a fluke, or taking things out of context. It happening again and again or being continually sustained (like Jessy and Cesar’s relationship) within the narrative is subtext.
> 
> Exactly. I don’t think ANYONE could watch that episode and come away with the conclusion that Jesse and Cesar were anything but a married couple. But it was never confirmed in text.
> 
> But, wait… Cesar SAID they were an old married couple? How is that NOT PLAIN AS DAY TEXT?! Um… Cesar actually replied to Dean’s comment thusly (I just like saying “thusly”):
>
>> Dean: Ah, you guys fight just like brothers. Almost as bad as us.  
> Cesar: Well… it’s more like an old married couple.
> 
> Then looks were exchanged, because Dean was momentarily confused, thinking that Cesar had implied that he and Sam were the ones who behaved like an old married couple… and then he got it and moved on to ask what it was like to settle down with another hunter.
> 
> He didn’t say they were married. He really strongly heavily implied they were a couple, but he didn’t outright say it. But EVERYTHING ELSE about Cesar and Jesse would lead us irrevocably to the conclusion that  _they must be a married couple_. From their sharing a surname to the fact that they framed the events of their lives in relation to one another, to the fact that they planned to retire together to a piece of land they owned together.
> 
> And it was still subtext.
> 
> Subtext doesn’t mean fake text, y’all. It’s just where we’ve been asked to read between the lines and come to the obvious conclusions.
> 
> If you meet someone on the street who’s wearing gym shorts and sneakers and carrying a bag with a tennis racket sticking out of it walking up to the front entrance of a tennis club, it’s probably safe to assume they’re gonna go play some tennis, right? If that tennis club ALSO was attached to a golf course, I don’t think any reasonable human being would argue that no, it’s equally likely they were there to play golf, and that there was no basis to assume they were gonna play tennis, because they never SAID they were there for tennis.
> 
> The subtext isn’t some obscure BS designed to trip you up. It’s there to help you understand the rest of the story.
> 
> And nothing in this whole damn show has had more subtext devoted to it than the relationship between Dean and Castiel. The only reason people have for refusing to see it, even when it’s pointed out in excruciating detail, is because they don’t wike it and wish to heckeroo it wasn’t there.
> 
> [the destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-destiel) [the subtext isn't a 'made up' layer of the text it's actually a VALID LAYER OF THE TEXT](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-subtext-isn%27t-a-%27made-up%27-layer-of-the-text-it%27s-actually-a-VALID-LAYER-OF-THE-TEXT) [apologies to lizbob for saying heckeroo again :P](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/apologies-to-lizbob-for-saying-heckeroo-again-%3AP) [i really can't help myself and yes i really talk like that in real life](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-really-can%27t-help-myself-and-yes-i-really-talk-like-that-in-real-life) [writers write subtext because they think we're smart enough to see it so i guess we should feel flattered](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/writers-write-subtext-because-they-think-we%27re-smart-enough-to-see-it-so-i-guess-we-should-feel-flattered) [that they're absolutely bombarding us with it lately :D](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-they%27re-absolutely-bombarding-us-with-it-lately-%3AD) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)
> 
>  
> 
> [Nov 22, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153522070600/im-watching-820-and-ive-noted-three-things)
> 
> 37 notes
> 
> I’m watching 8.20, and I’ve noted three things that I want to note down for future reference. Parallels ahoy.
> 
> 1\. Charlie, at the crime scene, tells Sam and Dean that they “fight like an old married couple.” It seems like a throwaway line, but dang if that doesn’t give me 11.19 feels.
> 
> I talked[ in this post here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/151865020075/12-i-think-too-that-people-sometimes-dont) (and probably elsewhere but this post lays it out plainly), about how Dean only became defensive at Cesar’s comment about “old married couple” because of THIS. Dean hears that phrase, especially in relation to his brother, and not only is it a reminder of Charlie, but  _it immediately puts him on the defensive_. He thinks, at first, that these two hunters he barely knows yet, were implying that he and Sam were behaving more like an “old married couple.” Until Cesar clarifies it with a lil raised eyebrow and Dean realizes he has nothing to be defensive about in more ways than one. Cesar wasn’t judging HIM, and it turned the comment around 180 degrees.
> 
> 2\. When Charlie is captured by the djinn, she tells her that she’s not worth killing because she’s only a “hunter in training.” Which is what Dean tells Cas to convince him to work the case with him in 9.06.
> 
> To Charlie in 8.20, “hunter in training” was her way of saying “I’m not a threat!” but to Dean and Cas in 9.06, it was Dean’s way of saying, “You’re learning, you’re not useless!”
> 
> 3\. At the very end of the episode when Charlie’s leaving the bunker, she thanks Sam for “Saving our bacon.” And after checking the [Bacon Masterpost](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150728575525/nothing-to-see-here-carver-era-bacon-edition), yep that line’s already on the Big List of Bacon References. I just wanted it listed here, in this post, with these other two points. For reasons.
> 
>  
> 
> [Nov 3, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/167105449385/i-thought-that-sam-was-mostly-trying-to-find-an)
> 
> 94 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: I thought that Sam was mostly trying to find an excuse to poke around her office when he had his outburst. Yes, he probably meant a lot of it too, but I think his primary objective was to get a look at the office. That, or leave Dean and Jack alone with a therapist.**
> 
> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/167104443475/i-thought-that-sam-was-mostly-trying-to-find-an):
>
>> Yeah, I think all three things are pretty good reasons… I mean, he obviously wasn’t so distracted by Dean’s anger and outburst that he just… stormed out of the place entirely. His head was still in the game.
>> 
>> Remember when they were walking in, and Sam told Dean to “follow my lead” in dealing with the shrink? Yeah. That was his lead, Dean followed. The fact they touched on some legit personal stuff WAS IMPORTANT. Remember also, walking in they highly suspected they were dealing with A PSYCHIC, who would’ve seen through their bullshit if they hadn’t been pulling out real emotions, too.
>> 
>> It’s easy to forget that conversation from the walk into the building because we got so distracted by Jack’s little… distraction… with the HELLO! and wave at the guy who turned out to be the evil shapeshifter… But Sam and Dean went in to her office with A Plan, and it played out exactly the way they’d planned it to…
>> 
>> The emotions and conversation may have been “real,” but they were also a decoy to give Sam and excuse to storm out and do some unauthorized investigating…
> 
>  
> 
> Reblogging my own post to add another bit… Dean’s OTT reaction to the Journal questions. I mean… we know every word out of his mouth there was a lie, or an act. Because in addition to being the unofficial Keeper of John’s Journal, since VERY EARLY in this show, we’ve seen that Dean DOES keep his own journals.
> 
> There is a post floating around somewhere, which I tried to find on my own blog and gave up because I couldn’t remember how I’d tagged it, about Dean’s use of his own journal. I know it was relevant in 1.16 (and I want to say 1.11 but I’m not 100% on that… but there were numerous episodes where Dean was shown keeping his own journal separate from John’s).
> 
> Not to mention HOW MUCH of their lives have been dedicated to the lore in John’s journal… not just about hunting, but about how they were raised… I mean. Dean flat-out denying in such an honestly OTT Epitome-Of-Performing-Dean way sort of seems to underscore the fact that it was a bald-faced lie to me.
> 
> And sure, he may not write a Dear Diary, Here Are My Feewings sort of journal, but he keeps records of his own life and hunts to the degree where he’s developed shorthand and secret codes (as revealed when Crowley got a peek at John’s journal in 9.11).
> 
> So yeah, I think a lot of that scene involved deception and collusion on some level. But the feelings I still believe were rooted in their actual feelings, so looking at it from that perspective is still valid.
> 
> spn 13.04
> 
>  
> 
> [Nov 15, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/167521657725/the-thought-of-dean-stumbling-around-drunk-in-the)
> 
> 189 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: The thought of Dean stumbling around drunk in the streets (or worse, driving home in that condition) makes me so sad. I mean the whole scenario does; he's 40, so drunk he can't get to the bed, found passed out with a bra wrapped around him and a whiskey bottle. I mean yeesh:-(**
> 
> Yeah… we know the Clam Diver was “just outside” the town, which implies driving distance and not drunken stumbling distance. If Dean was so drunk that he couldn’t even make himself land  _on the bed_  and looked like he was lucky he managed to hit the floor… I mean, he got one shoe off and used it as a  _pillow_.
> 
> If he was really that drunk, the bar wouldn’t have let him drive home. They would’ve called him a cab. Not to mention, aside from his tie headband and his shoe pillow, the rest of him looked relatively well put together (buttons buttoned neatly, coat on properly, etc.).
> 
> And did he  _really_  walk around the rest of the night wearing a pretty pink bra around his neck? Did he wear it to the liquor store where he bought that bottle? Did he wear it walking through the hotel? Because he was too drunk to care about his appearance in a town  _where he was pretending to be an FBI agent for a case where one boy was missing and another had been rendered mute by his experience?_
> 
> And if Dean was really so drunk that he didn’t care about any of that, how did he end up in that spot on the floor  _without waking Sam up_? Opening the door in the middle of the night, so drunk that he could barely stand up (and couldn’t even make it to the bed), and yet not so drunk that his stumbling and fumbling woke Sam up? 
> 
> [(here’s the embiggened version)](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.homeofthenutty.com%2Fsupernatural%2Fscreencaps%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D291%26pid%3D356722%23top_display_media&t=ZjlhMzU1YTg5ZjI3ZDQ2MzNjZDczNDdkOWVlY2MyMGMxOGExZmEyMyxIQTZRZ2RGTw%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F167521657725%2Fthe-thought-of-dean-stumbling-around-drunk-in-the&m=1)
> 
> He was apparently messing with the TV remote as well? How? I mean… how did none of this apparent fumbling around the room not wake Sam up?
> 
> It’s like Dean was just tired of Sam pushing at him to just be “okay” again. Because Sam wasn’t really pushing Dean to be okay, he was pushing Dean to  _perform a specific version of Dean_. Not because it would make Dean feel better, but because it would make Sam feel better about how Dean is coping.
> 
> **Dean** : I’m fine.  
>  **Sam** : Look, you’re not, Dean. You said you don’t believe in anything, and – and that’s not true, that’s not you. You do believe in things, you believe in people. That’s who you are, that’s what you do. I know you’re in a dark place and I just want to help.  
>  **Dean** : Okay. Look, I’ve been down this road before and I fought my way back, I will fight my way back again.  
>  **Sam** : How?  
>  **Dean** : Same way I always do: bullets, bacon, and booze. A lot of booze.
> 
> That’s what Sam needed Dean to be, to perform for him. To believe in something again, because yeah, Dean believes in people. He said it in 12.23:
> 
> **DEAN** : Yeah. You know, Cas has faith in this kid.  
>  **SAM** : Mm.  
>  **DEAN** : I hope he’s right. But me? I have faith in us. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley. Sometimes.
> 
> But within an hour of that, 3/5 of the people Dean believed in were gone. And Sam’s now insisting that Dean just magically be okay with that, just let that go and just transfer all of that belief over to Jack, who Dean directly blames for the loss of the 3/5 people he believed in… 
> 
> And now that giving Dean the “mission” to help teach Jack (with the hope that Jack might eventually be able to open the rift to fetch Mary again) has failed to help snap Dean out of his funk, Sam is desperate to at least get Dean performing the motions that used to signal his unhealthy coping skills.
> 
> Heartily pushing a beer on Dean at breakfast when he just wanted a sandwich, tolerating his music instead of complaining about it, ordering him food he’d normally complain about Dean eating,  _reading online reviews of a strip club_  to recommend it to Dean when he typically avoids strip clubs himself, buying Dean hair of the dog. It’s  _annoying_  to Dean, but after his display in the motel room, when Sam hands him that bottle,  _he forgives Sam_.
> 
> What does he forgive him for? For pushing him to just be okay when he just wanted to be left to grieve in his own way.
> 
> Notice Sam doesn’t push him again after that.
> 
> Notice also that Dean never drank either breakfast beer.
> 
> **Sam** : You okay?  
>  **Dean** : No. Sam I’m not okay, I’m pretty far from okay. You know my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost. Whether it was Dad or Bobby or… and I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas and I – I don’t know. I don’t know.  
>  **Sam** : So you don’t believe anymore.  
>  **Dean** : I just need a win. I just need a damn win.
> 
> Exactly the mental state Dean had diagnosed Cas with in 12.19. In the past, he’d still had Sam to believe in, the two of them against the world. Just fighting for Sam isn’t enough for him anymore. Something is different this time, and Dean doesn’t feel like he should have to perform the emotional labor to keep up a false front of coping for Sam anymore.
> 
> Like twig!Tasha told him in 12.20:
> 
> **TASHA** : Yeah. Family’s always complicated. Parents always see smart and strong and perfect. It’s only when you grow up that you realize that they’re just people. 
> 
> Sam is finally seeing that Dean is just a person. Not that Sam had ever had illusions about Dean being perfect or whatever, but that act of always believing they could push through anything and come out the other side again isn’t the truth, and has never fully  _been_  the truth.
> 
> Heck, I’m watching 1.09 in the background while I write this up. And it wasn’t even the truth way back then… Dean kept up the “everything will be fine” act in front of Sam, essentially hid out behind a gas station and made his emotionally charged plea to John for help in the scene we’ve been paralleling to his prayer to God in 13.01. 
> 
> In 2.04, Sam confronted Dean yet again on how badly he was handling John’s death, after the case they stumbled over while Sam visited Mary’s grave. I mean, THEEEEEMES. Dabb is pulling all of these themes from early seasons, and standing them all on their heads. Because in 2.05, after Dean had spent weeks putting up a front for Sam, the truth is forced out of him by psychic manipulation:
> 
> **Dean** : We hunt demons.  
>  **Andy** : What?  
>  **Sam** : Dean!  
>  **Dean** : Demons and spirits. Things your worst nightmares wouldn’t even touch. Sam here, he’s my brother…  
>  **Sam** : Dean, shut up!  
>  **Dean** : I’m trying. He’s psychic. Kind of like you. Well, not really like you, but see, he thinks you’re a murderer, and he’s afraid that he’s going to become one himself, ‘cause you’re all part of something that’s terrible. And, I hope to hell that he’s wrong, but I’m starting to get a little scared that he might be right.
> 
> Dean had buried all of this and kept it from Sam, much the same way Sam had buried some things that were pushed out in the open by another psychic manipulation (by a creepy ghost of a psychiatrist at an asylum, conveniently enough)… in 1.10:
> 
> **Sam** : That’s the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I’m not pathetic, like you.  
>  **Dean** : So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me?  
>  **Sam** : You know what, I am sick of doing what you tell me to do. We’re no closer to finding Dad today than we were six months ago.  
>  **Dean** : Well, then here. Let me make it easier for you. Come on. Take it. Real bullets are gonna work a hell of a lot better than rock salt. Take it!! You hate me that much? You think you could kill your own brother? Then go ahead. Pull the trigger. Do it!
> 
> Sam did it. But just like Dean brushing off the confessions Andy pulled out of him after the fact because it had been coercion, Sam brushed off what he’d said in that asylum, too.
> 
> Now in s13, Sam is asking– nay, begging– Dean to just brush this off again, to fake it ‘til he makes it, and Dean is saying  _no_.
> 
> It’s honestly the healthiest damn way they’ve ever reacted in a situation like this.
> 
> I have no idea how I turned this ask into actual meta, but here you go.
> 
> [spn 13.05](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.05) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [sanitized for sammy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sanitized-for-sammy) [the ghost of john winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-ghost-of-john-winchester) [spn 1.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.09)[spn 1.08](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.08) [spn 1.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.10) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [spn 12.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.20) [spn 12.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.23) [spn 2.05](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-2.05) [spn 13.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.01)[winchester family dynamics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/winchester-family-dynamics) [breaking the codependency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/breaking-the-codependency) [they still have work to do](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/they-still-have-work-to-do)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)
> 
>  
> 
> [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)
> 
> [Nov 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/167610358170/to-ping-off-you-and-that-other-anon-this-episode)
> 
> 71 notes
> 
> **Anonymous asked: To ping off you and that other anon, this episode didn't focus on all that (women, booze, saloons, manliness, etc) because this was the REAL Dean. This wasn't performing Dean doing something he thinks he needs to do to maintain an image. This was Dean in an element he loved and felt comfortable in; he was geeking out and having a blast. Being happy and himself in the episode Cas came back in. Not a coincidence; Dean would not have enjoyed this case like he did if Cas were still dead.**
> 
> Yep. Jack may have suggested this case, but the second Dean heard Dodge City, he was gonna go even if he had to go alone. That little smile and accompanying cowboy whistling music? Yeah.
> 
> (which reminds me, Lizbob was yelling at me about this this morning, how Cas looked up at Dean the second that music started whistling, almost as if he could hear it, too. Like Dean was projecting his excitement about the cowboy hunt  _that hard_  that Cas picked it up like a prayer or something… Just… yes)
> 
> He was so clearly not performing. Even when he was LITERALLY performing, and coaching Cas through the performance they put on together for Sarge at the crime scene. He got Cas in costume (and Dean was so happy about this because HE ALREADY OWNED HIS OWN HAT AND BOOTS and brought them with him!), they discussed their aliases, and Dean even coached Cas on how to act (Like you’re from Tombstone. The town? No, the movie.).
> 
> I don’t think he would’ve splurged on the fancy suite at the motel, he would’ve just been going through the motions like he had on the last few cases.
> 
> Some of his recent issues are still hounding him– like that whole thing where he chases the Bad Guy, nearly gets run over by a moving vehicle, and then loses the Bad Guy.
> 
> But he still got to play cowboys (or Texas Rangers) with Cas, and it was clear that he loved every minute of it. Even the minutes he spent eyerolling at Cas and his almost-but-not-quite getting that reference.
> 
> spn 13.06
> 
>  
> 
> [Dec 23, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/168861385920/postmodernmulticoloredcloak-mittensmorgul)
> 
> 956 notes
> 
> [postmodernmulticoloredcloak](https://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/167116156282/mittensmorgul-thejabberwock-i-am-genuinely):
>
>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/167089501855/thejabberwock-i-am-genuinely-curious-when-mary):
>>
>>> [thejabberwock](https://thejabberwock.tumblr.com/post/167087868947/i-am-genuinely-curious-when-mary-called-dean-and):
>>>
>>>> I am genuinely curious when Mary called Dean, and when she looked to him for support in s12. I remember Dean choosing to jump into Mary’s brainwashed head in order to save her while Sam went to the BMOL headquarters. I remember Dean initiating texts to Mary. I remember Dean initiating Words with Friends games with Mary. I remember Dean calling Mary several times and Mary not answering her phone.  I remember Dean reaching out to Mary for support (and her ignoring him), but not the other way around. I remember Mary reaching out to Sam when Dean wouldn’t accept her apologies about the BMOL. I remember Sam accepting it when she reached out, and I remember Sam agreeing to work with her and the BMOL and lying to Dean about it.  Can someone point me to all the times Mary reached out to and called Dean, because I’m stumped. 
>>> 
>>> I think this was Sam’s IMPRESSION. This was Sam explaining HIS FEELINGS. He saw things like the Words With Friends game as something HE was “left out of.” He made a heck of a lot of assumptions about Dean’s relationship with Mary based on the four years Dean did get to know her when he was little. I think Sam had always been jealous that Dean carried memories of her his entire life, and in SAM’S mind, he conflated that with some sort of foundation for a relationship NOW that Sam lacked.
>>> 
>>> I think the point wasn’t for Sam to spill the TRUTH there, but for Sam to “vent his feelings.” Which gives US some insight into just how mistaken Sam’s impressions really are, both regarding Mary as well as regarding Dean. I personally found it really eye-opening, as far as enlightening us as to his reasons for signing on with the BMoL despite seeing how shady and unprepared they were…
>>> 
>>> Sam was SO DESPERATE to connect with Mary in any way he could he was willing to suppress the truth. His reasons for NOT working with the BMoL all season had been HIS OWN PERSONAL TORTURE AT THEIR HANDS. I mean… of everyone, Sam had the MOST reason for staying far the hell away from them. Yet the one time Mary DID reach out to him, he grabbed at the opportunity with both hands.
>>> 
>>> Back in 12.04, for example, I’m pretty sure Sam knew that Dean and Mary were talking and texting, but Dean kept the contents of their communications from Sam. What might Sam have read into that? Something that changed Dean’s mind about Mary’s abandoning them again? I think Sam told himself the story he wanted to hear, and convinced himself of this mistaken version of the truth.
>>> 
>>> Plus in 12.12, maybe it was Dean that Mary reached out to about that case… before it all went absolutely sideways… And then Sam learned about the Yellow Eyed Demon there, probably only adding to his personal fears in relation to Mary. It was a YED that put that burden of guilt on BOTH of them, you know? And then in 12.22, Sam overheard Mary confessing to Dean that Mary was AFRAID of how Sam would react to her, because of that guilt…
>>> 
>>> What a shocking impression of Mary that Sam was left with, shortly before she got yanked away from them again. Sam had long ago come to terms with what John thought of him (that he was a monster who might have to be killed), but knowing that Mary was also afraid of him (albeit for very different reasons) has to hurt. And when Sam hurts, he falls back on the Winchester Family’s standard approach to Sam– the story became the story, and Sanitized for Sammy.
>>> 
>>> This is his coping mechanism laid bare for everyone to see. I really need someone to call him out on it now. Because Sam’s “smart choice” and seeming “rationality” at dealing with their problems is just as emotionally compromised as Dean’s. But at least Dean’s honest about it.
>> 
>> Perfectly said.
>> 
>> At the end of the day it all comes down to the source of their conflict as laid bare by Dabb’s Dark Side of the Moon, doesn’t it? Sam feels alienated from the family, what Dean sees is that Sam rejects the family.
>> 
>> Man, I’m always saying that 5x16 is a manifesto of the entire show and with Dabb as showrunner it seems that it’s getting even clearer (of course, Carver’s right-hand Thompson did pay a direct homage to it).
>> 
>> Sam’s idea of Mary were always something Dean and John got to experience and he didn’t. He was always jealous of Dean, especially after he got to see Dean’s heaven memory of her. It’s of course a valid feeling! But it seems that Sam is kinda stuck there, to the “you got to have this thing and I didn’t”. After all what does he say to justify his repeated running away from Dean and John?
>>
>>> _I never got the crusts cut off my PB &J._
>> 
>> Slightly off topic in relation to this post, but not really - interestingly, it seems that Dean is going to make PB&J in the next episode. It would make sense if Dean “I’m not gonna be Jack’s mother” ends up making a PB&J for Jack, effectively (metaphorically) picking motherhood of Jack over (toxic) fatherhood of Jack, i.e. what Sam has accused him of doing in 13x04 - although that, in my opinion, tells you more about Sam’s perception of John rather than about Dean’s behavior, but this is apparently another can of worms I’m going to address somewhere else.
>> 
>> No actually it is perfectly in topic with this post - honestly have you realized that Sam believes that John’s drill sergeant attitude “worked” for Dean? Am I supposed to take what Sam is saying there at face value? No, thanks, that’s Sam clinging to his sanitized picture of their John-Dean-Sam family unit, the picture where Dean is John’s little carbon copy and Sam is the one that doesn’t accept John’s parenting and rejects it while Dean drinks it up unbothered.
>> 
>> That scene lays bare Sam’s perception of John and Dean - he always say them as this JohnandDean unit he perceives himself as opposition to. He always had a hard time seeing Dean as Dean and not an appendage of John. Not to be boring but remember 5x16?
>>
>>> _I finally got away from Dad.  
>  Yeah, he wasn’t the only one you got away from.  
> Dean, I’m sorry. I just, uh…  
> I know. You didn’t, you didn’t think of it like that._
>> 
>> What Sam saw was John and John 2.0, not John and a creature that suffered abuse from John worse than Sam himself ever got (sorry, been a thing since 1x14 at least, Sam and Dean didn’t get the same parenting from John).
>> 
>> 13x04 was a powerful episode that laid bare Sam’s feelings and perceptions of his family. The episode didn’t really tell us anything new about Dean (other that he’s way more emotionally mature than a large chunk of fandom give him credit for, even when in a very dark place, I don’t care if I’m the only person in the fandom that thinks so, sorry) but it’s hugely expository of Sam’s feelings. Of course a lot of people believe that Sam’s feelings=facts, including, of course, Sam. (Slightly diverging from topic, but: some food for thought in the “Sam and [toxic] masculinity” topic - mistaking own emotions for being logical, accusing the feminine-coded character of being illogical because emotional).
>> 
>> Anyway - it’s interesting that Sam accuses Dean of acting like John, and Dean’s reply is “I refuse to be his mother”. They’re saying different things. Sam is seeing Jack=Sam, Dean=John, himself=some kind of protector he apparently wanted for himself and now he acts as for Jack, but Dean hears “Jack is me!!!” from Sam and the picture he sees around it is that himself is still himself, and someone is pushing a child onto him for him to mother.
> 
> Aah! I’d almost forgotten about this post, but seeing it again now after 13.09 has aired, and knowing the whole situation with the PBJ in 13.05, this seems relevant to me again.
> 
> Because in 13.05,  _Dean made the PBJ FOR HIMSELF_. And Sam kinda-sorta poked fun at him for it:
> 
> **Sam** : PB&J for breakfast? Strong work.  
>  **Dean** : Yep.  
>  **Sam** : You want a beer with that?   
>  **Dean** : I’m cool?  
>  **Sam** : Come on, live a little. Here. [Places bottle of beer from fridge in front of Dean]
> 
> Dean’s grieving, but after 13.04 he’s sort of arrived at a baseline understanding and acceptance with Jack. But this thing that’s been a representation of a longing for ~normality~ and ~humanity~ and childhood in general, the comfort provided by a caring parent specifically since 5.16. And that we saw Dean fail to provide for Sam in 9.07 because he was just a kid too despite doing his best to be a mother and father to Sam, and that Cas used as an object lesson for Sam in 9.11:
> 
> **Castiel** : The only person who has screwed things up more consistently than you…is me. And now I know what that guilt feels like. And I know what it… I know what it means to feel sorry, Sam. I am sorry.  
>  **Sam** : I know.  
>  **Castiel** : You know, old me – I would’ve have just kept going. I would’ve jammed that needle in deeper until you died because the ends always justified the means. But what I went though – Well, that PB and J taught me that angels can change, so…who knows? Maybe Winchesters can, too.
> 
> Dean may have had a few scattered and probably faded memories of Mary cutting off his crusts like we saw in 5.16, but for the vast majority of his life, DEAN HAS HAD TO DO ALL OF THAT FOR HIMSELF, AND FOR SAM.
> 
> But in 13.05, Sam caught Dean making this for himself. This symbol of a mother’s comfort in Dean’s time of intense grieving for both his mother AND Cas. And Sam tried to push something completely different on Dean, the symbolic burying-his-feelings drink (alcohol in general). And when Dean’s finally had enough of Sam trying to push his old (and admittedly terrible) coping mechanisms on him, we get this:
> 
> **Dean** : Dude, what is going on with you?  
>  **Sam** : What are you talking about?  
>  **Dean** : All day. You give me a-a beer for breakfast. You – you gave me Agent Page, which you always like to be. You – you didn’t whine about me blaring my music the whole way here. And when we stopped for lunch, you ordered my chili fries.  
>  **Sam** : You love chili fries.  
>  **Dean** : Everybody loves chili fries. That’s not the point. Now you wanna go hang out at a strip club? You hate strip clubs.  
>  **Sam** : [Scoffing] No I don’t.  
>  **Dean** : Dude the last lap dance you had – was – was at Christmas. It was a gift paid for by me. You spent the entire song trying to convince the girl that she should go to nursing school. So what is it? Is it my birthday? Did – did I win a bet that I don’t know about? What?   
>  **Sam** : No, nothing. Nothing. I – I mean, I’m just trying to be nice.  
>  **Dean** : Why?  
>  **Sam** : Because… [Deep sigh] You know why.  
>  **Dean** : I’m fine  
>  **Sam** : No, you’re not, Dean. [Dean turns to enter the hotel, Sam follows] You said you don’t believe in anything and – and that’s… that’s not true. That’s not you. You – you – you do believe in things. You believe in people. That’s who you are. That’s what you do. I know you’re in a dark place, and I-I just want to help.  
>  **Dean** : Okay. Look, I-I’ve been down this road before and I fought my way back. I will fight my way back again.   
>  **Sam** : How?  
>  **Dean** : Same way I always do – bullets, bacon, and booze. [Rings front desk bell] A lotta booze.
> 
> Sam wants and NEEDS for Dean to be okay RIGHT NOW, but  _Dean just can’t_. For Sam, this is like watching his parent break down and shatter the illusion that everything can be okay again. But in 5.16, we saw DEAN have this illusion-shattering experience when he was four years old, when he had to comfort MARY while his PBJ sat on the table next to them. Even with that knowledge, after Sam made the really insightful “You’ve been cleaning up Dad’s messes” comment about what he’d seen in Dean’s heaven, Sam still didn’t get just how much Dean insulated him the way a parent should for most of his life.
> 
> And in 13.05, Dean may have said that “bullets, bacon, and booze” were the way he was gonna fight back to being okay again, we’ve seen how hollow the “whiskey and denial” coping mechanisms have become for Dean. We see him put on a depressing show of drinking enough to pass out on the floor, and then serving himself enough grief bacon to give himself a heart attack. This display of the excesses Sam has come to associate with Dean being “normal” over the years is the depressingly hollow performance Dean relents to in order to placate Sam. But clearly  _nothing_  is any better for him… For proof of that, just watch the rest of 13.05.
> 
> The light only returns at the very end, when he gets that call from Cas.
> 
> But for Sam, he’s still unclear on why Dean’s entire demeanor made such a startling turnaround by 13.06. He still didn’t understand just how much Dean’s happiness depends on Cas ~existing~.
> 
> It reminds me of what Samuel told Dean in 6.07, that Dean knows how to live without Mary, but that Samuel didn’t. Well, now Dean knows how to live with the LOSS of Mary, but Sam doesn’t.
> 
> But now after 13.09 when Dean learns that Mary IS alive, and is also in her own personal hell, his guilt and grief kicks up to 11. While Sam merely sees hope for potentially saving her, Dean is driven near to cosmically-shattering desperation. 
> 
> [spn 13.05](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.05) [spn 5.16](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.16) [spn 13.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.06) [spn 6.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-6.07) [spn 12.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.22)
> 
>  
> 
> #  [mittens & lizbob vs 12x06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153622025700/mittens-lizbob-vs-12x06)
> 
> [Nov 24, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153622025700/mittens-lizbob-vs-12x06)
> 
> 26 notes
> 
> [elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/153618126598/mittens-lizbob-vs-12x06):
>
>> [yesterday [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg) and I ended up having a very long conversation about a dozen things after the universe freakishly conspired to put us on the same page… I’ve collected up the interesting parts for scrap]
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> I’m reading [kayanem’s 12.06 summary](http://kayanem.tumblr.com/post/153358970754/spn-12x06-celebrating-the-life-of-asa-fox-yes), and yeah to point 4.   
> The winchesters aren’t normal hunters. They haven’t traditionally shared info, like the antipossession charm  
> (still, you’d think Bobby would’ve shared that, but his generation of hunters is mostly dead now)  
> Like Dean had been the only one to know that Vetalas always hunted in pairs in 7.11, and yet s7 just amped up their sense of isolation after that so they never internalized that lesson of sharing  
> And then s8, s9, and s10 led them to keep their secrets even closer to their chests  
> The “Slam Hell’s Gates” plan was double extra top secret
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah  
> I’m reading [9x02](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/146849378263/9x02-rewatch-i-have-been-informed-by) now and I had some thoughts about Dean getting in contact with Irv about the angel fall  
> I think he had to tell him angels WERE a thing at all  
> there’s probably hunters even after season 9 who would think that Asa’s angel blade was a bit of a myth  
> like  
> even if they saw it it would be cool knife but it’s not REALLY from an angel is it?
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Then Dean with the MoC would’ve been something they would probably want to keep to themselves  
> And the Bunker.
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> sadly this means that all the speculation about what they think of Dean and Cas probably isn’t as dramatic as we’d like
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Yeah
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> on the OTHER hand Dean has his angel and if they don’t even fully believe in angels  
> …  
> …..  
> it’s kinda gay :P
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Yeah
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> A lot of the info the hunters get on the Winchesters probably also comes from Monsters.  
> I mean even Garth is technically a monster
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> heh  
> a sweetie pie though
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Can you imagine a vampire taunting a hunter with ~heh, at least you’re not the Winchesters~  
> yeah
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> oh my god  
> rude :P
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Plus, When it came to Asa and Jody sharing their “origin stories” and Jody’s was all about the Apocalypse and zombies and Death and Bobby and the Winchesters…  
> Like this Hunter Legendary Stuff, Asa was probably like whoa  
> But would he ever have connected ~the Winchesters~ to Mary Winchester?  
> Makes me wonder if he ever did try to seek them/her out, or if he heard how she died through the network and decided to keep his distance on purpose?
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah.. I was wondering if he kept away from them too  
> maybe because of what Dean’s suffering now  
> he never knew Mary was dead but she WAS a magical figure to him  
> as much an origin story as she was to the Winchesters  
> if he found her again as an adult…  
> what would he have discovered about her? Especially knowing hunters better once he gets into the life
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Yeah. As long as he stayed away, she could remain that White Knight to him.  
> That badass hunter chick who saved his life.
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I wonder if [when he heard] whispers of the Winchesters, he always included Mary in them though  
> and didn’t realise she wasn’t hunting with the legendary figures  
> … also she didn’t age to him  
> she was always the Mary from the photo  
> I wonder why that’s familiar :P
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> He wouldn’t have had to learned she retired, or died, or liked chick flicks…  
> yeah  
> He was a POWERFUL Dean mirror. Other than how he treated his angel (blade)  
> *flippy flippy blade fondling*
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> hehehehe
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> he was also very surface level  
> cars and chicks
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> … I wonder what you could say about “but on the other hand, max”
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Dean said himself he could’ve used a mother figure in his life to teach him about boyfriends and relationships… and then Max flat out says that’s mostly what his mother taught him.  
> (well, Jody said the boyfriends and relationships stuff, Dean just said he could’ve used it in his own life)
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> hahahahahahahaha omg  
> I didn’t realise they tidied that one up
>> 
>> [And then Mittens tidied this one up:]
>> 
>> <http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153605853475/elizabethrobertajones-mittensmorgul>
>> 
>> [i need a 'sorry lizbob' tag](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-need-a-%27sorry-lizbob%27-tag) [this stuff is mostly a product of the fact there's just too much to meta in s12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-stuff-is-mostly-a-product-of-the-fact-there%27s-just-too-much-to-meta-in-s12) [and the overflow has to go somewhere :p](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-overflow-has-to-go-somewhere-%3Ap) [dabb is giving us the subtext equivalent of a linzer torte here there's like 15 layers of delicious to enjoy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dabb-is-giving-us-the-subtext-equivalent-of-a-linzer-torte-here-there%27s-like-15-layers-of-delicious-to-enjoy) [it's becoming a serious problem](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it%27s-becoming-a-serious-problem) [mary f. winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/mary-f.-winchester) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [*chucks random tags at random post and then gives up*](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Achucks-random-tags-at-random-post-and-then-gives-up%2A)
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Jan 12, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169622891355/im-watching-814-again-and-its-like-a-concise)
>> 
>> 82 notes
>> 
>> I’m watching 8.14 again, and it’s like a concise metaphorical trip through all of Andrew Dabb’s pet themes that he seems to be focusing on now that he’s showrunner.
>> 
>> -Kevin shows us the “Keep grinding” mindset that became A Thing back in mid s11 when Dabb took over steering this vessel… (there, did I reference enough mid s11 episodes do demonstrate it yet?), and how despite eventually success, the whole process nearly kills Kevin.
>> 
>> I’m still running on the theory that Kevin was able to transcribe the entire Leviathan tablet in like 3 hours and walked away from it fine because that was the tablet that had “awakened” his prophet powers. He struggled A LOT with the demon tablet, but eventually the angel tablet ran him into multiple dead ends (and his literal death). The further he got from his true “calling” as a prophet, the more difficult the tasks he took on himself became. It was like a cosmic “THIS IS NOT FOR YOU… TURN BACK… STOOOOOPPPP ALREADY.” And like Sam undertaking the trials, Kevin pushed through anyway. He’s the one who found the trials to close Hell and brought them to Sam and Dean as something they should do. And thus begins the parade of hubris.
>> 
>> -Dean “nesting.” He’s set up his room, his weapons decorating the walls, his vinyls, ZEPPELIN, and the photo of Mary in pride of place on his desk. Dean’s got his memory foam:
>> 
>> [Originally posted by thejabberwock](https://tmblr.co/Zvu8vg2LfkS19)
>> 
>> Meanwhile, we’ve seen almost nothing of Sam settling in. He even misses the trash can with his gum wrapper, and Dean’s like, “REALLY?!” He’d just been talking about how CLEAN his room is compared to all the gross motels they spent most of their lives in, and yet Sam treats Dean’s space the same way he would one of those motels. There’s a clear disconnect between how the two of them each view the bunker.
>> 
>> -Dean COOKS. Sam didn’t know Dean even knew how to cook. Despite having fed Sam to the best of his ability most of his lives out of those aforementioned skeevy motel rooms. And despite Dean’s year of domesticity with Lisa. Remember the montage from 6.01, Dean making breakfast for Lisa and Ben with the ease of someone who does it a lot, having a cookout with their friends running the grill in the yard. And later in 8.14 Dean mans the grill at the ranch, and does it with a similar domestic ease, while Sam struggles to play domestic inside the house (failing at basic bartending duties despite having played bartender in the past… thinking specifically of 5.03 since Lizbob’s talking at me about that one atm).
>> 
>> The worst thing about this scene with the burgers is that Dean makes them for both of them, Sam gets to eat a part of his, but Dean’s interrupted just before he gets to take a bite… sort of how the rest of the Hellhound Killing later in the episode goes… Sam’s the one who ends up taking that bite, and Dean’s too late.
>> 
>> -Dabb thinks he’s hilarious… Kevin translates the tablet’s first trial– to kill a hellhound– while subsisting on a diet of hot dogs. Because hellhounds are hot dogs? Get it? Pffft, oh Dabb.
>> 
>> -As Kevin describes the trials, Sam repeatedly relates them through his personal lens of experience, “Trials. Like Law & Order?” After Kevin says it’s more like Hercules, Sam doubles down on the academic metaphor and suggests God wants them to take “the SAT’s.”
>> 
>> From the start, Dean seems to know that there is no surviving these trials. I mean, Kevin’s description:
>>
>>> More like Hercules. The tablet says, “Whosoever chooses to undertake these tasks should fear not danger, nor death, nor…” A word I think means getting your spine ripped out through your mouth for all eternity.
>> 
>> Meanwhile, Sam encourages Kevin to take it easy on himself for his own good, while Dean comes back and encourages him to “play through the pain” because they’re almost at the finish line.
>> 
>> -The three people who sold their souls at the ranch:
>> 
>>   * Carl who sold his soul for love… for a woman who barely knew he existed before that. Arguably not a GOOD representation of healthy romantic love, but we’re at the start of these themes here and they have yet to be refined.
>>   * Ellie who sold her soul to save her mother from Parkinson’s disease. And again, Ellie didn’t understand the consequences of her deal, the 10 year clock on her soul, or “the monsters” who would come to tear out her soul at the end of it.
>>   * Margo who sold her soul in the hopes that if her family wasn’t struggling financially, that they all might get along with one another (which never happened… money didn’t solve any of their problems, her family were all still jerks… just now they were rich jerks)
>> 

>> 
>> Three types of love– Romantic, healthy familial love, and toxic obsession. And here we have the themes of the triptych around which s11 revolved. 11.11 and romantic love, 11.12 and healthy familial love, and 11.13 and toxic obsession.
>> 
>> -Sam and Dean guess entirely wrong at first on who sold their soul. They dismiss Ellie because she’s the help, and who would sell their soul and then continue to do the “crap work” in the barn? They dismiss Carl as not being the soul-selling type because he seems so happy-go-lucky and kind, and immediately focus on his wife because she’s bossy and picky about how her money is spent running the farm. As such, they completely miss the real victims of the hellhound… and later when Sam goes hunting for it with Noah and Margo, he sticks with Noah as the patriarch of the family while Margo– the youngest and seemingly least affected by her family’s wealth– is attacked and killed by the hellhound (which Sam hits with one shot, but he’s too late to save Margo OR properly kill the hellhound, which he still can’t even see yet. The truth is still beyond his ability to perceive it… while Dean’s already back at the barn with the hellhound glasses on his face, but no hellhound in his immediate vicinity to target)
>> 
>> -Dean seems to understand that these trials are a kamikaze run. He gets that they are literally a self-sacrifice, in everything from his Plan B (to summon a crossroads demon to force them to call in a hellhound for him to kill) to his reasoning in his speech to Sam:
>>
>>> And you told me yourself that you see a way out. You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don’t. But I tell you what I do know – it’s that I’m gonna die with a gun in my hand. ‘Cause that’s what I have waiting for me – that’s all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you’re fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it’s the only one that I’m gonna get. So I’m gonna do these trials. I’m gonna do them alone – end of story. You’re staying here. I’m going out there. If landshark comes knocking, you call me. If you try to follow me, I’m gonna put a bullet in your damn leg.
>> 
>> Meanwhile, Sam demonstrates his positive and hopeful (and like above with his mundane metaphors of the court system and higher education) entirely unrealistic and ultimately unsustainable outlook:
>>
>>> I want to slam hell shut, too, okay? But I want to survive it. I want to live, and so should you. You have friends up here, family. I mean, hell, you even got your own room now. You were right, okay? I see light at the end of this tunnel. And I’m sorry you don’t – I am. But it’s there. And if you come with me, I can take you to it.
>> 
>> It’s nice that he wants to survive it, but thinking that’s even a possibility at this point is delusional at best… And Dean buys right into this, because he really doesn’t have another choice. Aaaaand cue the domino effect that will sustain all the angst and toxic mess of Dean and Sam’s relationship over the next four seasons. Aah, hubris.
>> 
>> Thing is, Dean’s the one who’s settled into his current life. He’s the one who feels he has a home, and a realistic grasp on who and what he is. He has PURPOSE. Sam’s the one who’s feeling disconnected and adrift after losing his shot at a “normal life.” Sam may be the one who wants to survive this, but aside from Dean, he doesn’t really have anything to survive  _for_. He’s never been able to integrate what his life IS (and has always been, having been raised as a hunter) and what he wishes it could be (normal, boring, entirely free of the supernatural). However messed up Dean may seem to Sam, at least he’s taken the cards he’s been dealt and made the most of them in ways that Sam has never been able to.
>> 
>> -In an episode that began with Dean putting Mary in pride of place in his room, Ellie asks him point-blank, “I did it for my mom, Dean. What would YOU do for your mom?” and hooboy, what would Dean do for his mom? *waves hello at s12, and now at s13– particularly 13.09…*
>> 
>> -Ellie also gives Dean a version of the “last night on earth” speech, going straight to the point and not even mentioning that it’s her last night on earth. She just propositions him, and when he tells her he can’t, but that he wants to, she tells him flat-out that no, he doesn’t really want to… and oddly enough, we believe her. Dean wants something more than that sort of fling.
>> 
>> Way to show your hand five years ago, Dabb. :P
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Dec 2, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153951764430/that-scrabble-foreshadowing-isnt-about-lucifer)
>> 
>> 9 notes
>> 
>> **[lefthalfoflancelot](http://lefthalfoflancelot.tumblr.com/) asked: That Scrabble foreshadowing isn't about Lucifer what are you all talking about? We're getting Dean twerking in the coming episodes. (But but but, Mary's word. Maybe that specific word has some foreshadowing to it: squelched? If I recall correctly. Any ideas or is maybe it doesn't lead to anything? Just ideas. I wanna look at all the words on there but I don't exactly wanna dig into it too deeply than it needs to be. But I love Mary's name. mothermary1983 <3)**
>> 
>> Hi yes I know I told you I wouldn’t reply for a bit because vacation, but then I remembered the hotel wifi works at the pool, so here I am… on my laptop in a pool deck chair. How sad… >.> 
>> 
>> BUT I HAD TO PILE ON TO THE DEAN TWERKING FORESHADOWING. oh my god.
>> 
>> TWERKING IS WORTH 57 POINTS DEAN. GET TWERKING, BABE.
>> 
>> Since I’ve seen several people already wondering about the numerology of 57, the most interesting thing I saw when I googled it (so spiritually aligned am I that I google numerology stuff… at least when I don’t have access to my books at home), was “Change your love.” Which is interesting regarding Dean, because this is the same dude who turned his nose up at cucumber water at the beginning of the episode and then was drinking it while telling Sam to shut up by the end of the episode… Something has been changing for Dean for a long time.
>> 
>> Then Mary comes out with SQUELCH, changing “TWERKING” to “TWERKINGS” (which in Dean-ese means two dudes who kick as at twerking? Twerk Kings? idek I’ve been drinking already) (yes it’s before lunch here) (shut up i’m on vacation) (Dean would think that was hilarious)
>> 
>> And changing NAVE to NAVEL.
>> 
>> A nave is the center aisle of a church. Very holy. Much devotion. Wow. But navel? *leans back in lounge chair and imagines tongues doing stuff to navels on the way to more interesting things…*
>> 
>> *mild detour to laugh at LURIFEC because I’ve been drinking already today*
>> 
>> *second mild detour to wonder which of the previous words were Mary’s and which were Dean’s…*
>> 
>> *third mild detour to address “mothermary1983″ because whoa. and that’s the extent of my meta capabilities for the inside-out wtf-ery of her picking that name, but I like it*
>> 
>> *fourth mild detour to say that i’m relieved Mary seems to be moving on from her “death” in 1983 and sort of embracing the fact that she’s trying to catch herself up to modern times from that point. the simple fact she’s playing online games like this with Dean means she’s succeeding in ways even my mom hasn’t. My mom’s still struggling with texting, and doesn’t even get emoticons yet. Her last text to me was literally “shells misting envy you.” WTF mom, autocorrect is your mortal enemy. So kudos to Mary here.”
>> 
>> Okay back to the words :P
>> 
>> ASTER, which was transformed into WASTER by the addition of TWERKING: the word itself (I mean aster, not twerking…) is “star.” But[ the flower itself ](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flowermeaning.com%2Faster-flower-meaning%2F&t=ZGE1OTIyYjBmOWU2YjMyZGFiZjlmNWQyOTcwY2JiODg5NjRiYWJkYyxSeFZoejlrdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F153951764430%2Fthat-scrabble-foreshadowing-isnt-about-lucifer&m=1)symbolizes patience, love of variety, elegance, daintiness, and Afterthought  (or the wish things happened differently). WHAT DOESN’T DEAN WISH HAPPENED DIFFERENTLY TBH?! Cas, Mary, his whole freaking life, really.
>> 
>> Turned into WASTER by Dean’s own addition of twerking. *side note to describe the subtextual mental orgasm i just had thinking about this* Dean doesn’t think he deserves any better anyway, so why bother wishing things happened differently? *five minute pause for me to cry into my tropical umbrella drink about Dean and what he deserves* *just kidding I’m drinking beer :P*
>> 
>> So this beautiful thing was turned into a self-deprecating load of BS by something that would definitely fall under the category of “Performing Dean.” Because can you really REALLY see Dean twerking? REALLY?! Wow. LOOK AT THE SUBTEXT HERE. This entry alone is the subtext equivalent of watching Dean physically tighten the straps on his performing dean mask.
>> 
>> Telling Mary to look up the definition of twerking herself… i mean if you’re uncertain what you’re gonna find just google it yourself, or better, look at the FIRST entry below the definition, the [wikipedia page on twerking](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FTwerking&t=MTllY2E2YTMyZWJhOGM4NWE1ZDcxMzZhM2M5ZTk2MzQxYTgxYmUzZSxSeFZoejlrdg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F153951764430%2Fthat-scrabble-foreshadowing-isnt-about-lucifer&m=1), for clarification here. So is Dean saying he’s familiar with this thing because it’s typically females who engage in this dance style, or because HE has… The reading really could go both ways. >.>
>> 
>> *small detour to wonder if I’m being subtle or if I’m just drunk*
>> 
>> WASTER *cries for another five minutes about Dean*
>> 
>> STREW and STREWN: To scatter things/to have scattered things over the ground. It may have started as a present tense that was turned past tense in a different play. To me in my  ~~drunken~~ mildly tipsy state it carries the connotation of “carelessness.” I’m kinda glad that’s been made into the past tense.
>> 
>> Same with KNOW/KNOWN. Someone could’ve played KNOW and the other could’ve added the final N to make that past tense. Who knows what here? 
>> 
>> And Dean’s name… remember when he FIRST convinced John to buy the Impala back in 4.03? 
>>
>>> 327 four barrel, 275 horses. A little TLC and this thing is cherry. 
>> 
>> It’s a 67 Impala 327, which describes the engine size, 327 cubic inches, or 5.4 liters for our non-American friends. Baby’s such a big girl and Dean loves her. For the non-car-nerds out there, she’s got a kickass powerful v8 engine. That’s literally what his screen name means.
>> 
>> Okay this is about the limits of my meta capabilities while on vacation. Back to drinking and thinking about ordering some lunch.
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Jan 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156001092305/elizabethrobertajones-mittensmorgul-and-i-are)
>> 
>> 30 notes
>> 
>> [elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/155999973418/mittensmorgul-and-i-are-unsurprisingly-still):
>>
>>> [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg) and I are unsurprisingly still talking about Supernatural :P This is from last night -
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I JUST watched Caged Heat  
> and that argument with Samuel is DREADFUL now  
> I know we don’t talk about season 6 but honestly, I want to at least see Sam and Dean discuss their ethical dilemma about telling her :P  
> Sam SHOT her father in cold blood  
> I mean  
> if you look at it from the wrong angle :P  
> Turning their own grandfather into a villain was sooo iffy  
> I sort of don’t blame them in the context of season 6 because WOW they spiral into darkness quickly  
> but now we have Mary back and the first level of drama in season 6 is revealed to be because Mary was going to be brought back…
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> ooh. ouch. yeah.  
> But s6 was also about one choice made in the name of love gone HORRIBLY wrong
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> Cas chose to protect Dean by workng withCrowley  
> Samuel chose to bargian for mary’s life the same way  
> and it corrupted both of them
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> Oh Cas
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> BUT HE’S TRYING TO REDEEM HIMSELF!
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> that bit where he cracks at the nd of the episode and says that stuff about wanting to be with them and how the civil war sucks and so on… argh  
> like, the first “real” Cas moment of the season  
> In 6x12 he tries to hug Sam though  
> so those moments are a little more frequent :P
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> Samuel had a chance to redeem himself, but was just as prepared to murder Sam and Dean in cold blood to achieve his ends  
> he was gonna feed his grandsons to a couple of ghouls i mean…  
> I don’t think Mary would approve of that
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah, once he chose to betray them he really had gone too far  
> I’m interested in how he thinks Dean is like Mary and theories that he reminds Samuel too much of her  
> because of how they fight and Dean standing that ground obviously
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> oooohhhhhh  
> so much like Mary that it probably hurt  
> like the headcanon goes for John too…
>>> 
>>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I also really love the idea that Samuel thinks Dean is kinda gay and if you watch their interactions through that lens, it makes his rejection of them pretty interesting  
> especially paralleling how he rejects Sam in the same sentence for not being human etc
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> Another instance of Sam’s ~magical problems~ paralleled to Dean’s ~queerness~
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [spn 6.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-6.10) [winchester family dynamics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/winchester-family-dynamics) [family don't end in blood](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/family-don%27t-end-in-blood) [but it doesn't necessarily start there either](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-it-doesn%27t-necessarily-start-there-either) [dean winchester is bilingual](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester-is-bilingual) [mary f. winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/mary-f.-winchester) [oh dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-dean) [samuel campbell](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/samuel-campbell) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation) [and now i'm also reminded of k-vichan's spec on how s12 is reevaluating and clarifying these family themes](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-now-i%27m-also-reminded-of-k-vichan%27s-spec-on-how-s12-is-reevaluating-and-clarifying-these-family-themes) [taking another look at whether it's healthy or toxic and hopefully pushing the codependency closer to that cliff](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/taking-another-look-at-whether-it%27s-healthy-or-toxic-and-hopefully-pushing-the-codependency-closer-to-that-cliff) [s12 as s6 redux](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/s12-as-s6-redux)
>> 
>>  
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Feb 11, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157127020050/12-hi-regarding-the-ask-about-dean-sleeping)
>> 
>> 10 notes
>> 
>> **Anonymous asked: 1/2 Hi!:-) Regarding the ask about Dean sleeping with random women: you're right, he's single and can do what he wants. But i don't think that's what most ppl mean when they say it makes them nervous, i don't think. Of course by real life rules Dean is not committed and can sleep with whomever. But in tv world, where same-sex relationships are teased but rarely brought to fruition, or succumb to "bury your gays" or just stay hanging in subtext limbo, stuff like this makes ppl nervous.**
>>
>>> 2/2 Many people feel like they’ve been burned by same sex representation and destiel specifically, so to see a favorite not straight ship you’re deeply invested in stay largely subtextual while the character’s heterosexual desires are out in the open and continue to happen repeatedly is probably making folks a little gun-shy in like a “fool me once” sort of way when it comes to media and lgbt relationships. That’s just what i personally think the “oh no another one night stand” rhetori is from.
>> 
>> I do get that… but the “blowing off steam” with Elke in 12.11 was subtext. It’s not actually text that anything sexual happened between them.
>> 
>> I mean, if you’re reading the surface level subtext, the implication that something did happen between them is certainly there, but basically every other bit of subtext from the entire episode says what Dean said about her:
>> 
>> It’s like it never even happened.
>> 
>> So, I mean, yeah. If you’re reading it as “Dean had sex with Elke,” that’s your interpretation. Based on exactly metaphorical line from an unreliable narrator.
>> 
>> Everything else in the entire episode, every other scrap of text and subtext, would suggest he  _didn’t_. So…
>> 
>> I mean, there’s three times as much innuendo in the actual text supporting the fact that Dean had some sort of sexual desire for Larry than there was between Dean and Elke. Just saying.
>> 
>> Choose your interpretation.
>> 
>>  
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Mar 20, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172068832950/i-was-scrolling-my-dash-in-a-daze-after-jensen)
>> 
>> 403 notes
>> 
>> I was scrolling my dash in a daze after Jensen said, of Dean, “Like the ladies’ man that he’s not,” and I was trying to think of a concise way to explain what Performing!Dean is. It’s what Dean projects to the world because he thinks he’s supposed to, versus who he actually is underneath the pretense.
>> 
>> And I scrolled past the promo photo post again, and wouldn’t you know, these two consecutive images have done all the work for me…
>> 
>> He might like to think of himself as suave and charming, but really… *waves hand*
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [spn 13.16](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.16) [spn s13 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s13-speculation) [performing dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/performing-dean) [still got that document open...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/still-got-that-document-open...)
>> 
>> [Mar 21, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172109017675/hello-im-sorry-to-bother-im-just-so-so)
>> 
>> 31 notes
>> 
>> **[imitchingonaphotograph](http://imitchingonaphotograph.tumblr.com/) asked: Hello, I'm sorry to bother - I'm just so, so confused about the "swapping lines" thing in Slumber Party? I don't remember/know which lines were swapped for what? I see a lot of post about how awful it was and all, but I cannot for the life of me remember and i tried searching but i'm just confused as fuck. So... I guess my question is - which lines were swapped for what?**
>> 
>> Aah, I should probably put some sort of handy multi-purpose reference post together for this anyway… :P
>> 
>> To start with, this episode was written by Robbie Thompson, who in other episodes encourages us to read between the lines, literally having Metatron look directly into the camera in 9.18 to ask us what makes a story… the text, the subtext… He wrote this scene exactly as it should’ve played out. For background’s sake, Dean, Charlie, and Sam are gathered in Sam’s room and watching Game of Thrones. Dean and Charlie are reclining on Sam’s bed, and Sam’s sitting in his desk chair. They’ve already commented about how “not homey” Sam’s room is, highlighting the fact that Sam doesn’t see his room as “his room,” but just another place to sleep. This was directly contrasted with just how comfortable Dean has grown with considering the bunker “home.”
>> 
>> “There’s no place like home,” I mean…
>> 
>> This was a big theme in this episode, and so was the theme of how stories work in general (via the “real” Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz books as an expositional mirror for Sam and Dean and the fact that their lives have also been made into a book series…), and it’s a wonderful statement on fiction vs reality vs interpretation, which SHOULD’VE aligned Dean with Charlie, as the rest of the episode aligned Sam with Dorothy… but swapping these lines, where Dean was intended to speak Sam’s lines and vice versa:
>> 
>> **CHARLIE** : Oh, you have no idea. Wait until he –  
>  **SAM** : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! S-spoilers. I haven’t read all the books yet.  
>  **DEAN** : You’re gonna read the books?  
>  **SAM** : Yes, Dean. I like to read books – you know, the ones without pictures.
>> 
>> UNDERMINED THE ENTIRE POINT. This wasn’t about Sam mocking Dean for not reading, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DEAN GENTLY TEASING SAM FOR THE FACT THAT ///DEAN DOES READ///, because Dean genuinely ENJOYS his “nerdier” hobbies.
>> 
>> It’s not even just that tiny bit of a joke that was ruined here ^^ but it literally flipped the table on the entire rest of the subtext of the entire episode.
>> 
>> How 9.04 is about stories and interpretation (written back during s11):
>> 
>> <http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/144781961120/i-was-just-scanning-through-904-for-something>
>> 
>> Lizbob’s rewatch notes on the episode go into much more detail here:
>> 
>> <https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/147262152477/9x04-rewatch-or-once-i-had-to-learn-somewhere>
>> 
>> and you know what? After reading it again for the first time in nearly two years, Imma just copy/paste Lizbob’s conclusions here for easy reference:
>>
>>> Actually you know what – I was going to just ignore this since Robbie eventually fixed it by forcing a scenario where they couldn’t swap the lines and have it still make sense, but it just bothers me that Dean is sounding surprised that Sam is going to do something nerdy like read some books, even though he KNOWS Sam does stuff like that. I don’t mean to pull Buckleming on them since it’s not like they’re shining beacons of good characterisation and I suspect a fair few other times J2 change lines around a bit are Bucklemming episodes and they are doing us a favour, but literally from 9x03, less than 15 minutes of non-stop watching time ago:
>>> 
>>> DEAN  
> What are you talking about? I don’t see half of the nerdy stuff that you do. It doesn’t mean that you don’t do nerdy stuff.
>>> 
>>> Telling us that SAM does nerdy stuff is completely pointless as it’s such a well-established character trait since the start that people would naturally expect him to be bookish… (but at least using an anvil-heavy Buckleming line makes my point :P)
>>> 
>>> It’s much more interesting having a moment where Dean expresses interest in actually reading the books after watching the show and getting invested (and probably wanting to find out more – let’s be real, Charlie probably made at least one of those obnoxious comments people like me who read the books before watching the majority of the show make like “oh the books go into so much more detail about this” “oh you find out all about this side character if you just read the books” “blah blah I know more about this fictional universe than you blaaaah”)…
>>> 
>>> Like, he’s made literary references enough times we know he reads books… Having a moment where he strongly admits to doing so says a lot more than him just teasing Sam for being a nerd, which he’s been doing the entire show. Charlie especially has already been used heavily to get Dean to open up and embrace stuff he likes and be more comfortable being nerdy, so this scene could have been used to just give us a liiittle bit more good positive characterisation in that direction season 8 was opening Dean up in… Although I do think he was also starting to shut down again already even towards the end of season 8 so maybe it was a call on Dean’s comfort level of being that open? I don’t feel like in the setting of this exact scene it makes much sense for Dean to be THAT defensive though.
>>> 
>>> *grumbles pointlessly into the night*
>> 
>> Yeah, they done screwed up.
>> 
>> (fyi, the scene Robbie “forced” them into delivering their lines the right way around was the Aesop scene in 11.04, in case you wanted to see how this scene ^^ SHOULD’VE read)
>> 
>> Basically, the way Jensen and Jared “fixed” this scene just makes Sam look like a preachy dick (which is is not), and makes Dean look like an insufferable idiot (which he is not). They thought it was “funnier” this way. It is not. :P
>> 
>> (and the WORST bit of it is FOUR YEARS of everyone pointing at this decision and doing a bit of patting themselves on the back for how great they did… while continuing to miss the point)
>> 
>> I know there’s a lot more posts out there than this that detail it further, but I didn’t actually start figuring out the value of a consistent tagging system until like… Season 10. :P
>> 
>> Sorry I just wanted this all collected up in one place for reference purposes, because it comes back up every time Singer mentions it. :P [spn 9.04](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-9.04) [the infamous boneheaded line swapping for ts](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-infamous-boneheaded-line-swapping-for-ts)
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Mar 30, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172414876260/hey-first-off-love-your-blog-normally-i-just)
>> 
>> 106 notes
>> 
>> **[chill-legilimens](https://chill-legilimens.tumblr.com/) asked: Hey! First off, love your blog... normally I just read everyone's meta but I've decided to join the party! Haven't seen much chatting yet about the ghost being a little boy, and trapped in a knife to boot. It seems like a pretty direct metaphor for Dean being trapped in a violent life and never really getting to be a kid, and that got set free a bit by living out a childhood dream with his heroes. For a sec I even thought the kid was a magical projection of Dean! I'd love to hear your thoughts!**
>> 
>> Hey hi there! *pours cookies and plates up some tea for you*
>> 
>> *rereads*
>> 
>> *sorry for the mess, it’s early and I need more coffee*
>> 
>> I haven’t even looked at my dash since last night yet, so I don’t know if there’ve been multiple posts about this or not, but yes. Dean was weaponized (like the little boy’s ghost being trapped in that knife) from the time he was small. Like so many of the things that Dean is emotionally attached to– Scooby Doo, his music that he grew up listening to in the car with his family, the things he clung to that WEREN’T hunting, and WEREN’T about just taking care of Sam– those things were untainted by the horrors of hunting.
>> 
>> During the course of the series, a lot of the flashbacks we saw to his childhood involved those “moments of childhood happiness” being destroyed for him. Christmas (3.09) became a horrible memory of Sam learning about the supernatural and the truth about John. High school romance (4.13, 9.07) ended in pain and heartbreak. Even taking a break and doing something as simple and childlike as playing a video game for a few minutes nearly cost Sam his life and he was blamed for it by John (1.18). Scooby Doo, the fact it was always on wherever they ended up and the fact that the monsters they hunted always turned out to be (borderline incompetent) greedy humans in rubber masks… I mean for young Dean who lived in constant fear of REAL monsters, this was an oasis of escape like no other. He could pretend that it was all fake, that cheerful Fred’s terrible plans always ended up working out but in the most unexpected way, that he could swoop in and be the hero and save Daphne, that Velma was always right that it wasn’t a real ghost, that he could celebrate the win eating an impossible sandwich with Scooby and Shaggy…
>> 
>> But then the episode would end, everyone would live, the bad guys were in jail, and the Scooby gang drove away… and Dean would be the knife again.
>> 
>> This was what I wrote to Dori last night in the chat, but I think it (in a roundabout sort of way) goes to show this:
>>
>>> mittensmorgul  
> I just want to write long meta on Dean’s cursing, that goes from refusing to even say “ass” in the vicinity of the scooby gang, to blurting out sonofabitch when their innocence seems to be shattering, to telling Fred “Fucking right you can” that gets bleeped after the gang learns the truth  
> and then Dean bothers to rebuild all their initial beliefs about their own reality that ghosts aren’t real, and THEY BUY INTO IT DESPITE ALL OF THIS.
>>> 
>>> obsessionisaperfume  
> He’s able to recapture some of his childhood innocence.
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> It’s like.. all the humans in the SPN universe who don’t remember the weird stuff, like the apocalypse or anything, because they just… convince themselves it’s not real and go back to their lives
>>> 
>>> obsessionisaperfume  
> Yeah.
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> this episode is brilliant  
> And self-aware Shaggy… the fact he broke his arm was what broke his suspension of disbelief
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> Fred’s terrible trap that doesn’t work, because they never work,
>>> 
>>> obsessionisaperfume  
> I want to look at Dean and Daphne, because that wasn’t grown-up Dean, it was 14-yo Dean’s idea of charming and shit.
>>> 
>>> mittensmorgul  
> This whole episode is fantastic
>> 
>> Because Dean DID try so hard to “play along” with the Scoobyverse rules. He was THRILLED to play along, even when Sam was initially tugging him back toward reality, pointing out there were no words in the newspaper, and immediately suggesting they try to find a way back to the real world. And I mean, Sam wasn’t wrong here, and he was pointing out legitimate clues that eventually DID help them figure out the truth of what was happening, but Dean just wanted to play along with the story as he’d known it.
>> 
>> He even recognized the episode they were in, knew the whole plot, knew what he thought SHOULD be happening, and did his best to play along. I mean, that had worked for them the last time they’d been trapped in a tv, right?
>> 
>> But unbeknownst to Sam and Dean, something of THEIR reality had been brought into the Scoobyverse with them. A real supernatural threat, in the form of a child’s ghost haunting a pocket knife.
>> 
>> (or… almost like the parts of Dean’s childhood he tried to leave behind every time he settled in to watch a half hour of Scooby Doo… this reality he’d always dreamed as a kid he could just escape into and leave his reality behind for a while, when he finally got a chance to do just that, he couldn’t escape entirely)
>> 
>> It’s as if no matter how hard he tried to keep the Scooby gang “pure and innocent” by keeping the truth from them, the truth arrived to smack everyone in the face anyway.
>> 
>> It’s fascinating to watch the Scoobys go from dancing at a malt shop with perfect hair, to slowly becoming more and more frazzled and “tainted” by Dean’s reality. It peaks at the Scoobys’ existential crisis moment, where TFW has to step in and literally equip them to handle this new twist in their reality. Dean STILL lets Fred enact his plan even though he knows (by the typical script of a scooby episode) will fail, but TFW have a backup plan to trap the real ghost– away from the Scoobys.
>> 
>> And that’s where we first see the ghost’s real face. It’s not a huge, terrifying phantom, or even a bad guy in a rubber mask and tattered robe. The ghost is a small, green-eyed boy who’s scared and angry, who doesn’t want to be used as a weapon anymore.
>> 
>> Yeah… sounds an awful lot like Dean.
>> 
>> They promise to help the little boy’s ghost, but their last act in Scoobyland is to “put everything to rights.” The Scoobys are still terrified, frazzled, and broken by what they’ve learned and experienced. TFW, with the help of the little boy’s ghost, convince the Scoobys that they’d been right all along, it was just what they’d initially expected it to be, and there was no such thing as the supernatural.
>> 
>> They even visually represent this with the Scoobys “reassembling” themselves, Fred smoothing out his perfect hair and going right back to his cheerful positivity and Daphne going right back to chasing after Fred. Almost like as soon as they walked away from the Winchesters even the memory of their entire ordeal just ~faded away~.
>> 
>> Dean might be an adult now, who carries this knowledge of reality with him all the time, but he can now use knife as his own, how he chooses to, instead of being manipulated by outside forces for their own ends. He’s not trapped by it anymore the way the little boy is. Dean can use that knowledge to protect others, to keep others “innocent,” and to preserve this one small piece of his own childhood escapism just the way he remembered it.
>> 
>> But back in the real world, Dean can also help that little boy find peace. He might not be able to reunite him with his father, but he can free him from the evil guy who’d used him so horribly, and then with Sam and Cas’s help made sure the guy would be punished– if not for the abuse of the little boy’s ghost, then at least for some of his more mundane crimes.
>> 
>> But DEAN will always be able to take the memory of their encounter with him. He had the experience of a lifetime, and the Scooby Gang might not ever realize it, but wow.
>> 
>> Sam incinerated the knife, freed the little ghost boy, and then Cas carried the burnt remnant of the boy’s suffering in his pocket. And Dean put on Fred’s ascot and got to act out that bit… 
>> 
>> (and then Cas reminded Dean he’s not a talking dog…)
>> 
>> Oh my god this episode has everything.
>> 
>> spn 13.16
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Apr 24, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159943903185/605-dean-becomes-the-monster-and-burns-the-last)
>> 
>> 49 notes
>> 
>> 6.05: Dean becomes the monster, and burns the last bridge to his normal life…
>> 
>> **DEAN**. Look at this. He’s WATCHING her sleep. How is that not rape-y?
>> 
>> >.>
>> 
>> They’re staking out the Black Rose bar looking for their Emo Teenage Vampire who’s been luring young women with the whole Twilight act, and they’ve got three potential suspects:
>> 
>> **DEAN**. I dunno. It’s hard to tell. (He continues to look around and spies two other young men talking with girls.) Hey, we got multiple choice.  
>  **SAM**. Great. Three of them and two of us.  
> (They watch as one of the men kisses another guy.)  
>  **DEAN**. (After taking a moment to process.) Okay. Make that two of them.
>> 
>> (oh my GOD this episode has so much homoerotic subtext– and actual text-text– it’s ridiculous)
>> 
>> (I mean, vampires as a symbol for dark and forbidden desire, and then it’s Dean who’s turned… it’s not subtle or mysterious subtext here…)
>> 
>> (DEAN starts to walk away.)  
>  **VOICE**. You’re pretty…  
> (DEAN turns and finds himself face-to-face with BORIS.)  
>  **DEAN**. I’m sorry?  
>  **BORIS**. I said…you’re pretty.  
>  **DEAN**. Yeah, sorry again, pal. I don’t play for your team.
>> 
>> Being told he’s pretty was enough to get Dean to turn around… in a dark alley outside a club where they suspected vampires were abducting girls from… I mean, what was he expecting when he turned around? If he had truly NOT been interested in any way, he would’ve kept walking, right? I mean, that’s what a totally hetero dudebro would’ve done, right?
>> 
>> Sure, okay, they are working this vampire case and maybe the guy in the alley could be a suspect… or at least tangentially involved… but it’s been  _girls_  who’ve gone missing (SEVEN of them, it’s been a very consistent pattern), not “pretty” guys. So he initially wouldn’t be expecting the vampire to suddenly switch up his MO like that. He’d already dismissed another suspect inside the bar when he started macking on another guy.
>> 
>> So WHY did Dean turn around? Why didn’t he just keep walking? If he really didn’t play for that team once in a while?
>> 
>> Because heck, there were a lot of pretty people inside that club (and Dean was definitely one of those pretty people), and maybe one of those pretty people had followed him outside…
>> 
>> But the guy he came face to face with in that alley wasn’t what Dean had been hoping to find…
>> 
>> (what he’d been expecting to find:
>> 
>> what he actually found:
>> 
>> yeah… maybe this guy just wasn’t his type?)
>> 
>> But then Sam just stands by while Boris here attacks and TURNS Dean into a vampire. And then Sam also stands around while Boris escapes.
>> 
>> Dean goes to say goodbye to Lisa (which really is the end for them BECAUSE of WHAT DEAN IS, and not because he’s been turned into a vampire…)
>> 
>> **LISA**. Just stop, and explain to me what’s going on out there.  
>  **DEAN**. (Pauses. Miserably.) Lisa, I can’t bring this crap home to you.  
>  **LISA**. You’re talking about your work?  
>  **DEAN**. I’m talking about my LIFE. It’s ugly…and it’s violent…and I’m gonna die – SOON.
>> 
>> But ALL of this happened because of Sam’s actions– he lies to practically everyone and deliberately “weaponzies” Dean to achieve their aims of capturing the Alpha Vampire. He’s lying to Samuel when he confronts Sam with his belief that this is what Sam has done, he lies to Dean after Dean’s cured… and NEITHER Samuel or Dean really trust him anymore after this. I mean, not like Dean really trusted him BEFORE this, but this was the last straw for Dean. He knows there’s something seriously wrong with Sam now.
>> 
>> *cue Dean’s epic battle inside the vamp nest*
>> 
>> *and his strange vision of the Alpha Vamp*
>> 
>> And Dean learns the monsters are running a mass recruitment drive… they’re fighting back because they’re being attacked in record numbers
>> 
>> (in a direct parallel to s12, but with the MoL trying to wipe them all out wholesale instead of just trying to find and destroy their alphas to raid purgatory…)
>> 
>> When Sam and Samuel make their way inside after Dean’s slaughter of the entire nest, Samuel looks around at the carnage and says to Sam, “Looks like your brother has some Campbell in him after all.”
>> 
>> Which is REALLY creepy in the context of what a Campbell hunter is, and what that means about Mary in s12… 
>> 
>> **DEAN**. Honestly? Recruitment drive. (SAM and SAMUEL register this.) Their alpha’s building an army.  
>  **SAMUEL**. Well, THAT’s comforting.  
>  **DEAN**. That’s not the worst.  
>  **SAM**. Then what IS?  
>  **DEAN**. We don’t scare them anymore.
>> 
>> Hunters didn’t scare the monsters anymore back in s6, but the MoL and their horrifying technology that can wipe them out en masse seem to have the monsters on the run in s12. But eventually those monsters will have their backs to the walls (like in 12.14) and will fight back.
>> 
>> Only now, Sam and Dean are in a very different place themselves. They’re working (mostly) together, they really DO have each other’s backs unlike in s6. They aren’t personally out to kill ALL the monsters. They know there ARE some monsters who deserve to live.
>> 
>> And sometimes people (like soulless!Sam in s6 and the BMoL in s12) are the real monsters…
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> [Nov 22, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/180382306245/a-note-on-what-i-mean-when-i-use-the)
>> 
>> 295 notes
>> 
>> a note on what I mean when I use the phrase “performing Dean:”
>> 
>> It’s not that we’re saying these things Dean has made into the facade of manliness aren’t inherently a part of who he is, but that they’ve been weaponized into an impenetrable layer of armor that he forces to the surface.
>> 
>> The fact he’s felt the need to ONLY present that hardened shell to the world for so long while actively denying he had that squishy center of actual feelings is just heartbreaking.
>> 
>> Over the course of 14 seasons, it’s gone from an entire suit of plate armor to something he can summon to the surface at need, like Iron Man. It’s become smaller and less conspicuous in his day to day life, but it will always be a part of him he can pull on when he needs to.
>> 
>> It’s not that these aspects of Dean have to disappear, but that like Dean himself, they don’t need to be weaponized into an impenetrable suit of armor that completely denies the rest of himself and buries it under the iron exterior.
>> 
>>  


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stumbled across one of my older Cas tags while saving Angel Grace meta... Castiel Angelfish Of The Lord

[May 22, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/119599722520/elizabethrobertajones)

300 notes

[elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/119591995193/welcome-to-awkwardville):

> [welcome–to–awkwardville](http://welcome--to--awkwardville.tumblr.com/post/119591248832/the-rising-demonmistress-of-styx-from-what-ive):
>
>> [the-rising-demonmistress-of-styx](http://the-rising-demonmistress-of-styx.tumblr.com/post/119585233245/from-what-ive-seen-most-people-are-like-the-sole):
>>
>>> From what I’ve seen most people are like: the sole purpose of having Rudy in this episode is to make the mirror scene no homo.   
> Well, I get where are you coming from but… what if there actually WAS some other purpose? Because now as I think about it, the death of Rudy in Dean’s mind might have been that next time he told Cas about. He looks in the mirror, sees Cas, who isn’t well but is at least alive, and then he sees someone he didn’t even thought about saving, he didn’t hesitate, didn’t even flinch. He sees Rudy and realises it REALLY could have been Cas. It hits him with a great force, that realisation how out of control he really is, if he came this close to killing someone he loves.   
> This is why he doesn’t contact Cas, doesn’t say goodbye. He just can’t risk putting his angel’s life in danger. If he wasn’t planning on killing Sam, he wouldn’t contact him either (note:.he calls him only after his little talk with Death). It could have been shown differently, yes, but I can see the reason behind this and it’s not solely a fuck you to shippers.
>> 
>> Exactly! Rudy’s death wasn’t about Rudy himself. Rudy was a symbol of ‘innocent person that gets killed because of Dean’s condition’. It takes a toll on Dean because there was no reason to get Rudy killed. He had no reason to get Rudy killed. He had no ill against Rudy. And yet he got him killed. And it terrifies him because he realizes that he could get literally anyone killed. He almost killed Cas… and ‘next time’, he figures, he could actually kill him for real. Because if he’s gotten a random acquaintance of his killed for no reason… who knows who else he can get killed. He had just an insignificant little squabble with Rudy, and yet that apparently was enough for him to want him dead. What’s gonna happen if next time he faces a person he’s got a whirlpool of confusing, messy, vaguely scary feelings for?
>> 
>> Yes, the meaning of the mirror scene indeed was ‘that could have been Cas’. It probably would have been more clear if they had shown Rudy first and Cas second (’hey Dean you killed Rudy - hey Dean it could have been Cas instead’), but I guess they went for ‘BAM Dean look how you trashed Cas - you could have killed him like you did with Rudy, you know?’. Dean was feeling guilty about Cas before (that’s why he was drunk in that motel room trying to tell himself he was good…), what’s changed now is that Dean has gotten the proof that he’s indeed able to kill someone he knows just because. And that has a retroactive effect on Dean - ‘oh my god when I said ‘next time won’t miss’ I could have actually meant it’.

This was the only reason I could come up with for why Dean didn’t call Cas at the end. Cas would’ve come. He always comes when Dean calls. Dean knows he couldn’t handle hurting Cas again, and he’s convinced himself (via Rudy’s death) that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.

He called Sam, because Death convinced him that Sam needed to die in order to break the cycle, so feeling compelled to kill Sam was acceptable, and even necessary. But Cas, who last time they spoke said he would stay with Dean forever, and watch him murder the world, and STILL continue to stay with him? Why would Dean all of a sudden feel he deserved that kind of comfort? Self-loathing Dean Winchester was willing to let Death lock him away alone for eternity in order to save the world. Why would he suddenly think he deserved any companionship, especially from his best friend, the angel who wants nothing more than to be with Dean, because he is his  _friend?_ No, if Dean was making this ultimate sacrifice, he couldn’t even call Cas to say goodbye, because the temptation to ask him to stay with him would be too great, as well. And he couldn’t do that to Cas, because Dean still thinks he’s poison who destroys everyone who comes into his vicinity.

[spn 10.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.23) [i'm staying positive about s11 for now](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27m-staying-positive-about-s11-for-now) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [poor babes they're all gonna need some recovery time in a blanket fort](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/poor-babes-they%27re-all-gonna-need-some-recovery-time-in-a-blanket-fort)

 

[Jul 28, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/125269161605/thevioletcaptain-castiel-owns-a-laptop-castiel)

3,159 notes

[thevioletcaptain](http://thevioletcaptain.tumblr.com/post/125256698113/castiel-owns-a-laptop-castiel-knows-how-to-use):

>   * castiel owns a laptop
>   * castiel knows how to use the internet for research
>   * castiel is irritable and sarcastic 
> 

> 
> given all the facts i think it’s about 98.9% likely that our resident cupcake of the lord has gotten into at least ten bitter flame wars with ignorant morons on yahoo answers
> 
>  
> 
> This post archived entirely for my tags:
> 
>  

 

#[castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) #[oh no do i need to do some sort of canonverse version of project beyonce?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-no-do-i-need-to-do-some-sort-of-canonverse-version-of-project-beyonce%3F) #[cas driving around the country and becoming addicted to the internet](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/cas-driving-around-the-country-and-becoming-addicted-to-the-internet) #[sending heartfelt comments to people who post cute cat videos on youtube](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sending-heartfelt-comments-to-people-who-post-cute-cat-videos-on-youtube) #[discovering a reddit thread where people are debating the Supernatural books](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/discovering-a-reddit-thread-where-people-are-debating-the-Supernatural-books) #[of course he can't help but leave a few comments refuting some of their opinions](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/of-course-he-can%27t-help-but-leave-a-few-comments-refuting-some-of-their-opinions) #[after a brief flame war with one fan who refuses to accept some essential truth about the 'character' of Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/after-a-brief-flame-war-with-one-fan-who-refuses-to-accept-some-essential-truth-about-the-%27character%27-of-Dean) #[a kindly person points him to a sympathetic group of fans over on tumblr](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/a-kindly-person-points-him-to-a-sympathetic-group-of-fans-over-on-tumblr) #[where he's inadvertently exposed to fan art](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/where-he%27s-inadvertently-exposed-to-fan-art) #[he starts leaving anonymous comments on pieces that move him](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/he-starts-leaving-anonymous-comments-on-pieces-that-move-him) #[and is amazed with some of the interpretations of his likeness](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-is-amazed-with-some-of-the-interpretations-of-his-likeness) #[since these people only have their descriptions from the books to go by](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/since-these-people-only-have-their-descriptions-from-the-books-to-go-by) #[people start answering his anonymous replies with links to fanfic based on their art](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/people-start-answering-his-anonymous-replies-with-links-to-fanfic-based-on-their-art) #[at first he's extremely confused because 'none of this ever happened but it is a fascinatingly accurate portrayal of character'](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/at-first-he%27s-extremely-confused-because-%27none-of-this-ever-happened-but-it-is-a-fascinatingly-accurate-portrayal-of-character%27) #[and then he's down the rabbit hole reading all of these alternate universe scenarios](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-then-he%27s-down-the-rabbit-hole-reading-all-of-these-alternate-universe-scenarios) #[where he almost invariably ends up in a physical relationship with Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/where-he-almost-invariably-ends-up-in-a-physical-relationship-with-Dean) #[but he keeps seeking out more and more of them](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-he-keeps-seeking-out-more-and-more-of-them) #[because of course he loves Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-of-course-he-loves-Dean) #[but he's never been able to figure out how to approach the subject with Dean #because they're always facing some sort of emergency](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-he%27s-never-been-able-to-figure-out-how-to-approach-the-subject-with-Dean-because-they%27re-always-facing-some-sort-of-emergency) #[but these people online seem to have some excellent and novel ideas for how they might end up together](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-these-people-online-seem-to-have-some-excellent-and-novel-ideas-for-how-they-might-end-up-together) #[and he starts to view it as research and begins scholarly debates with a gaggle of fanfic authors eager to debate the plausibility](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-he-starts-to-view-it-as-research-and-begins-scholarly-debates-with-a-gaggle-of-fanfic-authors-eager-to-debate-the-plausibility) #[of the scenarios they propose in their works](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/of-the-scenarios-they-propose-in-their-works) #[which leads to a series of trial and error testing of their suggestions each time he's with Dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/which-leads-to-a-series-of-trial-and-error-testing-of-their-suggestions-each-time-he%27s-with-Dean) #[some are brutal failures and he reports back to his group of fanfic-life-coaches and they offer new strategies](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/some-are-brutal-failures-and-he-reports-back-to-his-group-of-fanfic-life-coaches-and-they-offer-new-strategies) #[because they think he's just some guy trying to pick up some other random guy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-they-think-he%27s-just-some-guy-trying-to-pick-up-some-other-random-guy) #[and when something finally clicks into place he reports back with details that are undoubtably a dead giveaway that THIS IS CAS](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-when-something-finally-clicks-into-place-he-reports-back-with-details-that-are-undoubtably-a-dead-giveaway-that-THIS-IS-CAS) #[and the fanfic writers promise to keep his secret](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-fanfic-writers-promise-to-keep-his-secret) #[but they collaboratively write the definitive story of how dean and cas get together](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-they-collaboratively-write-the-definitive-story-of-how-dean-and-cas-get-together) #[and no one else ever realizes it's not a fanfic](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-no-one-else-ever-realizes-it%27s-not-a-fanfic) #[but a new chapter in the winchester gospels](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-a-new-chapter-in-the-winchester-gospels)

 

 

 

[Sep 21, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/129586663245/i-read-your-meta-i-guess-on-the-sept-18th-date)

20 notes

**Anonymous asked: i read your meta (i guess) on the sept 18th date, and i really agree with you. but what /really/ bothers me is that the gas station dean goes to right after he pops up from the grave is deserted and it looks like it's been that way for a while. so why would there be fresh newspapers? PLUS (and i know this is just because of the time of filming) in 4x20 when jimmy becomes cas' vessel, it has snowed, so it's gotta be closer to winter, not the first days of fall. UGH**

OH MY GODS. I never twigged to the snow thing before! But I always assumed he took Jimmy’s vessel some time on the evening of September 19th, because Claire was still awake to watch him leave. Maybe we just need to retcon how Cas’s arrival would affect the environment. He rattled the heck out of that barn and blew out a few lights, but maybe he also made it snow in Pontiac, Illinois in September. I mean, if Raphael could black out the whole Eastern Seaboard, maybe Cas could cause a little localized weather disturbance? WOW!

I had always wondered about the fresh newspapers. I mean, what kind of gas station closes down in the middle of the day when they had to have been open to stock the new papers that morning? Maybe in that sort of deserted location the guy who owns the joint closed up shop and went home for lunch? Maybe Cas zapped him out long enough for for him to have a little private rendezvous with Dean? I assume he figured Dean would want somewhere to wash up a bit and get a nice cold drink to make himself presentable for their date, without any interference from Random Citizens.

So there you go! Two insta-headcanons in one! Cas taking a vessel was a cosmic enough event to lay down a half a foot of snow, and then arranged a little privacy at the gas station.

I always felt really bad for poor Gas Station Owner Dude. Not only did he come back to find his store totally trashed without explanation, his register was empty and his car was gone. :/

The thing that eats at me the most is why Sam drove Dean’s bloody body over 200 miles from where he was killed to bury him near Pontiac in the first place. Weird.

[spn 4.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.01) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [poor cas still didn't have a notion of subtlety](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/poor-cas-still-didn%27t-have-a-notion-of-subtlety) [but it was a nice touch to give dean a little bit of privacy since he'd just crawled out of his grave](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-it-was-a-nice-touch-to-give-dean-a-little-bit-of-privacy-since-he%27d-just-crawled-out-of-his-grave) [and explaining why he was filthy and parched would've made for some interesting and uncomfortable conversations](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-explaining-why-he-was-filthy-and-parched-would%27ve-made-for-some-interesting-and-uncomfortable-conversations) [well you see i was happily going about my business flaying this one dude](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/well-you-see-i-was-happily-going-about-my-business-flaying-this-one-dude) [and next thing i know i wake up in a pine box with a handprint burned into my shoulder](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-next-thing-i-know-i-wake-up-in-a-pine-box-with-a-handprint-burned-into-my-shoulder) [talk about your day taking a real turn amirite?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/talk-about-your-day-taking-a-real-turn-amirite%3F) [Anon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anon)

 

 

# A bit spoilery if you haven’t watched Supernatural, at least the first five or six seasons)

Jun 22, 2013 (note the date folks...)

30 notes

I have these thoughts, and I have no idea where else to put them, so I’m putting them here, with a brief backstory.

I’ve watched and read a lot of tv shows, movies, and books that grabbed ahold of me and refused to let go, but never, NEVER anything like Supernatural. My reaction to this show really caught me completely by surprise. I only started watching it a few months ago, but I’ve become one of these insane obsessed crazy people over it. And I have no regrets.

When I got to the end of season 7 on Netflix and realized I’d have to wait a while for season 8 reruns to roll around on TV, I cried. Then I went back to the beginning of the series for a rewatch.

Oh. My. Chuck.

Now that I know what happens throughout nearly the entire series, there is so much to find in the early episodes that seemed like one-off Monster of the Week shows. So much of what was done early on was simply introducing us to the Winchesters’ world so the Big Stuff that happens later will make sense.

I really noticed this last night watching 1.12 “Faith.” Dean is nearly killed, but then is told he has only a month or so to live because of the damage done to his heart. When he is “healed” by La Grange (actually by a Reaper bound to La Grange’s wife), about a million locks clicked into place in my head. I love this episode. It’s the first time we really start to see the bigger picture.

First of all, Dean’s HEART is dying. (here I would put in a flashing gif of the word OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM if I knew how to make such a thing) He’s miraculously healed, his heart made whole again, because another man’s life was taken and given to him instead. It turns out the Reaper was being used to kill people the wife found “immoral” and restore life to those she believed to be “righteous.” As far as I can tell, this was the first time it was implied that Dean was The Righteous Man, and that he might have a greater calling in the world. His life was capital-I-Important, beyond just doing his job, hunting things, saving people.

Sam finds the newspaper clipping about the man who died so Dean could live. Here it is:

 

So what are we–who know exactly where the show goes over the next seven seasons–to think when in the very next episode, 1.13 “Route 666,” when the one woman Dean has ever possibly fallen in love with, the one woman he’s ever confessed the truth of his crazy life to, is named Cassie? And our boy’s got the heart of a dead gay man? Hmmmm.

I swear, in all my life, I have never shipped a ship before. This ship sails itself.

***FANGIRL NONSENSE WARNING***

This ship is like a phantom aircraft carrier parked 300 miles offshore that keeps sending fighter jets out to drop bombs on us. Once in a while it gets close enough to shore to fire missiles at us directly. One day this ship will need to make port.

I can’t even…ugh.

[spn](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn) [dean winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean-winchester) [castiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [Oh my Chuck what has this show done to me](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Oh-my-Chuck-what-has-this-show-done-to-me) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [spn 1.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-1.12) [there's a reason why that still remains my favorite episode ever](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/there%27s-a-reason-why-that-still-remains-my-favorite-episode-ever) [mittens history](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/mittens-history)

 

 

Sep 22, 2015

65 notes

This has actually been bothering me for a few days now, and I’m surprised I never thought this through before. Then again, I thought through half the equation a while ago, when I first marathon-watched my way through Supernatural during S8. I actually spent a LONG TIME looking back for [this post from June 2013](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/53610267326/a-bit-spoilery-if-you-havent-watched). This was before I found the huge meta community on tumblr. Before I’d really ever participated to any extent in fandom. ANY fandom. I was a 39-year-old fandom virgin. To quote my reaction to discovering that a tv show owned my soul:

> I’ve watched and read a lot of tv shows, movies, and books that grabbed ahold of me and refused to let go, but never, NEVER anything like Supernatural. My reaction to this show really caught me completely by surprise. 

*I’m gonna put the rest of this under a cut, because a) it’s long, and b) some people might read this as wank, but it really isn’t. It’s just me trying to understand how I relate to this show, characters, fandom, and ships. I’m putting this disclaimer here to let you know that reading beyond this point does not entitle you to send me hate mail. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. IF YOU HAVE DELICATE FEE FEES, TURN BACK NOW. DO NOT GO ON. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FEE FEES.

Below the cut: A serious evaluation of why I ship the ship like Captain Jack, when literally no other ship in the last 41 years has ever given me more than a passing feeling of “aw, isn’t that swell.” Also, I seriously ask for input regarding why YOU (Yes, YOU!) ship the ships you do. I’m just really confused about my inability to get this worked up (or worked up to anything more than a mild interest, frankly) over any other ship.

What made me love this show? Well, certainly from the very start the story was interesting. The characters and storylines weren’t like anything I’d ever seen on television before. They believably constructed a parallel a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others, to quote one of my favorite episodes. Not to mention that from day one I couldn’t help but love Dean Winchester. Sam too, don’t get me wrong. I ADORE Sam, but I  _identify_  with Dean (which is probably half the reason I can’t help but love Sam like a little brother, you know?). 

And then Season Four happened. And because I was already onboard the I FEEL DEAN’S FEELS bandwagon by that point, I watched Castiel blow into that barn through the filter of Dean’s perceptions. And that’s all she wrote.

I watched s4-s7 (that’s 89 episodes, by the way) in just over a week. I DEVOURED this show. But why? Because I was still watching through the lens of Dean Winchester. And what did I see through that lens? The fucking slowest burn love story I’ve ever witnessed on any television show in history. Ever.

I literally couldn’t believe what I was watching, so as soon as I finished, I went back and started it over at the beginning. I have never done anything like this before (or since). By the time I wrote that post in July 2013, I’d watched the whole series through three times. And I  _still_ couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

Now let me explain what had been bothering me, and why I bothered making this post to begin with.

I’ve watched tons of shows with a slow-burn romance subplot before. Of course I have. Everyone has. Everything from the X-Files to Bones to Castle, but even shows I watched as a kid like Cheers dragged out the will they/won’t they for YEARS before finally paying off for the audience. And I shipped the ships. I wanted to push Mulder and Scully’s faces together. Strangely enough, though, it never occurred to me that there might be groups of people out there DISCUSSING these things, writing fanfiction about these things, and getting together to flail about these things. Aside from watching these shows during the hour or so they were on television every week, they didn’t really interfere with my life to any great degree. If the X-files had been cancelled two years before Mulder and Scully got together, I would’ve been pissed that there were still plot elements that didn’t get resolved, but I’d probably just have assumed that they would’ve eventually worked things out and ended up together. End of story. No soul-rending tragedy.

For some reason, Supernatural is different for me. I blame Dean Winchester. Well, and Castiel, but I mostly blame Dean for that, too. The same way I love Sam  _because Dean loves Sam_ , in the beginning Dean’s thoughts and feelings also influenced the way I perceived Castiel to a large extent. This has obviously grown and changed over the years, especially since 6.20 finally gave us a closer look at Castiel in his own words, but in this show overall, I have to admit that I’ve fallen in love with Cas  _because Dean is in love with Cas_.

So that’s the foundation of my difficulties. Here’s the rest of the story.

I follow all kinds of Supernatural fans. Meta writers, artists, fic writers, people who just love the show and reblog all sorts of wonderful posts about it, the actors, and the characters. I LOVE YOU ALL. That said, I follow a bunch of folks who consider themselves multishippers. Or they ship something other than destiel. BLESS Y’ALL. But I just… don’t. And I couldn’t figure out why.

I mean I’ve read some fantastic stories that either featured other ships or had other ships as side pairings, and yeah, I dig the story, but the pairing just does nothing for me personally. I’m not put off by Sabriel, for example, but it just seems… not… natural. I just don’t  _see_  it, you know? There’s no underlying Grand Romance for me there. Same with Dean/Benny. They saved each other’s lives and Dean actually had a friend, someone he trusted and talked to honestly. But I just don’t see anything else there. Like, at all. I find it just a bit squicky, to be honest. Benny was a friend to Dean when he literally had no one or nothing else, trapped in monsterland fighting for their lives day in day out, during Dean’s whole WHERE’S THE ANGEL slash-and-burn-through-purgatory campaign. How did that turn romantic for anyone? *I am asking this as a serious question. Sometimes I wonder if the romantic interest section of my brain is defective or something. If anyone can explain this, I’ll be glad to listen.* Dean is spending every waking moment praying to Cas, thinking about Cas, wondering if Cas is okay, refusing to leave until they find Cas, essentially killing everything and everyone who stands between him and Cas. 

And then there’s the ships between characters that never even appeared in the same season as one another, let alone in the same episode. And yeah, I can see how if they’d met in the show’s universe (I’m thinking Charlie/Jo here as an example) they would’ve gotten on like a house on fire (pffft), and I’ve again read some really great stories that make me believe it.

Then there’s a few ships between characters who did interact on the show, but for whatever reason I just  _can’t_. I have some pretty firm NoTP’s, folks. Some vitriolically firm NoTP’s.

But now I think I understand. It all goes back to why I finally sold my soul to this show in the first place. I have seen the destiel, and I can’t unsee it now. Nothing in my 41 years on this planet has ever done this to me before. I’ve never read fanfiction of any sort before Supernatural. And now? I fucking WRITE fanfiction. I adore the meta community and all y’all’s fantastic insights into the show. But mostly? I just love Dean’s disgusting love for a nerd angel who pulled Dean’s dorky ass from hell and then proceeded to choose Dean over Heaven, over God, over his orders. Sure, Naomi implied that Castiel had always had a rebellious streak, but for a creature who is literally BILLIONS of years old (yeah, screw that “oh he’s like thousands of years old!” crap. He watched the first fish crawl up on land. That was 375 MILLION years ago. Google it.) to turn to one thirty-year-old man who’d spent more time in Hell’s torture chamber than he had in his own human body back on Earth, and lay his entire existence down at this one man’s feet? Repeatedly? Fuck.

Cas has always come back to Dean.  Even after it got him blown up “like a water balloon of chunky soup.” TWICE.

After the whole Godstiel mess, when Cas had to know that the Leviathan were still inside him and that they were probably going to kill him, what is his most earnest and fervent goal? To REDEEM himself TO DEAN. Not to Heaven which he’d left in shambles; not to the world he’d plowed his way through killing whoever he felt deserved to die. Not even to Bobby who was standing right there watching this whole train wreck go down. Not to Sam who was having a nice little chat with Hallucifer in the next room because Cas had broken his wall and let the Hell damage out into his head. Nope. TO DEAN.

So there you go. I love Cas because Dean loves Cas. And I love Dean even more because for some inane reason Cas loves him too. And that’s about 95% of the reason I’m here at all.

So to y’all out there who can ship the other ships, I’m still not sure if I should be jealous of your ability to find love (or at least some fun sexytimes) literally anywhere. Maybe I’m just not all that creative, and can’t wrap my head around random pairings working out. I have never been personally invested in the happiness of two fictional characters. EVER. And this includes my own original characters that I made up and created lives for and whose happiness is entirely dependent upon my whims. I’ve written close to half a million words about one of my characters, and I can’t even find this level of adoration within myself for HER. And she is essentially my idealized version of ME.

This is part of the reason I have lost most of my interest in reading sad, drawn out fics where these two were either in love once but it fell apart for some reason and they haven’t seen each other in YEARS or DECADES, or it takes them that long to get together in the first place. I feel like they’ve already been there, done that. If I want that kind of heart wrenching pain of them NOT being happy together, I’ll just watch the damn show, you know? I mean a little angst is inherent in any story about Dean Winchester. He’s a self-loathing asshole. It’s part of his essential character description. But in fic? Fic is where I go to FIX all the crap that’s keeping him from getting his happy ending. If I wanna cry, I’ll look at canon.

I also fully support all the Dean is Bi meta. And there’s mountains of it. Because it was one of the first things I noticed when I began watching the Pilot episode. God, do I ever identify with Dean here. Oddly enough, one of the only other canon ships I’ve bought into to any great degree is Dean/Ash, thanks to the meta series I’ve seen floating around about it recently. And obviously the winner of the “It’s Canon But No Thank You” Award has to be Dean/Crowley. As Lizbob says, “Worst ship on the show.” Yup. :P

I also can’t deny any of the canon relationships, everything from Sam/Jess to Dean/Lisa. They happened. They exist as real things. They aren’t why I’m here, but I understand them intellectually. I’ve written both of them. I have absolutely zero problems accepting them.

So that’s where I am in the fandom. Basically, I think it boils down to this. I think it took the Righteous Man and a fallen angel to make me realize I’m demiromantic. I just have like zero interest in even FICTIONAL couples unless all the subtext is there. And who has more fucking subtext than these two?

Anyway, if you read this far and aren’t pissed off at me, thanks for understanding. I just had to write this down for my own well-being. If you are pissed off at me, I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intent. I’m only trying to work through my own feelings about why I’ve never had this sort of reaction to… anything. Literally, anything.

But seriously, if anyone out there has a compelling argument supporting your ship, I’d love to hear it. (well, unless it’s one of my vitriolic notp’s I suppose). I got logic’ed into Dean/Ash, after all. Trust me, I WANT TO BELIEVE.

[my life as a sad sad fangirl](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/my-life-as-a-sad-sad-fangirl) [just reflecting on how exactly i ended up here in the supernatural fandom](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/just-reflecting-on-how-exactly-i-ended-up-here-in-the-supernatural-fandom) [my experience of which mostly revolves around](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/my-experience-of-which-mostly-revolves-around) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [and the meta community in general (which in my experience also largely revolves around destiel)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-meta-community-in-general-%28which-in-my-experience-also-largely-revolves-around-destiel%29) [or at least the understanding that dean is bi](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/or-at-least-the-understanding-that-dean-is-bi) [and how it actually helped me understand that i'm probably demiromantic](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-how-it-actually-helped-me-understand-that-i%27m-probably-demiromantic) [which makes a lot of goddamn sense to me now](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/which-makes-a-lot-of-goddamn-sense-to-me-now) [but this is mostly just me spewing thoughts about nothing so feel free to ignore it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-this-is-mostly-just-me-spewing-thoughts-about-nothing-so-feel-free-to-ignore-it)

 

[Sep 30, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/130205887260/elizabethrobertajones-angelswatchingover)

133 notes

[elizabethrobertajones](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/130196832213):

> [angelswatchingover](http://angelswatchingover.tumblr.com/post/130165633523):
>
>> “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light” ~ Albus Dumbledore
>> 
>> Light being the cure for an evil darkness has been used in TV, movies, and literature forever. We have Galadriel giving Frodo a light to help him through the darkness in LOTR. Luke and the gang have to use the light side of the Force to overcome the Dark side. Buffy and the gang battle the First Evil with Willow and her glowing white hair. And light as the savior is a recurring theme in the Bible with Jesus being referred to as the light over and over. Seriously, there are so many examples in film and literature of light being the way to overcome some evil that is associated with the darkness.
>> 
>> It got me thinking… who on SPN is associated with light? Castiel of course.
>> 
>> When he takes a vessel, it appears to be a beam of light.
>> 
>>   
> 
>> 
>> His grace and his halo manifest as light:
>> 
>>   
> 
>> 
>> And most of all, he expells the dark smoke of demons using light:
>> 
>>   
> 
>> 
>> I really hope that Castiel is part of the resolution of The Darkness. It would make sense that someone who is practically made of light and uses it as his weapon against evil would be vital to containing the Darkness. 
> 
> I guess if in this new lore God created the archangels to help him fight the Darkness, it would make sense to make them out of light, and then the other angels just in the model of them… 
> 
> Either way it’s such common symbolism it can be sort of both intentional and unintentional with the retcon and still kind of work like this.
> 
> Not sure I’d want Cas to give any of himself up to fight this, but assuming they get that spell off him fine, he’d got a pretty stable supply of grace so it would make sense if he could smite the Darkness or at least help fight it. 

Ooh, but we also had a major theme of balancing darkness and light, rather than one side being destroyed by the other. Hurt Dark!Charlie, and it hurts Good!Charlie, too, you know?

Plus, first time around it took god and the four most powerful angels to lock away the darkness, but with all the archangels (theoretically) off the playing field and the remaining angels (theoretically) still damaged and limited by the Angel Fall event (do any of them have their wings back? Has that even been addressed by the show?), it might take all their combined power to restore some sense of balance to the universe and hold the darkness at bay now.

By the show’s own logic (is that an actual thing or just my own wishful thinking?), you have to find a way to balance the light and the dark. You can’t just destroy one or the other wholesale without dire consequences for the other.

[spn s11 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-speculation) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [and now the darkness](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-now-the-darkness) [i'd really like to think the show wouldn't invalidate that lesson from last season](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27d-really-like-to-think-the-show-wouldn%27t-invalidate-that-lesson-from-last-season) [especially after they spent so much time reinforcing it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/especially-after-they-spent-so-much-time-reinforcing-it)

 

[Oct 6, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/130623829545/turtleoftheabyss-savingpeoplegiffingthings-i)

1,730 notes

[](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/image/130623829545)  


[turtleoftheabyss](http://turtleoftheabyss.tumblr.com/post/130597747599):

> [savingpeoplegiffingthings](http://savingpeoplegiffingthings.tumblr.com/post/130453160209):
>
>> I love this cap so much. Cas is so i[nteresting to watch in this episode](http://savingpeoplegiffingthings.tumblr.com/post/126555156979/422-lucifer-rising-i-love-watching-cas-in-this). This is when you really see him wrestle with his duty and his instinct. He’s been seriously reprimanded by Heaven for not doing their will, and in this episode it shows. You can see that ‘scolded child’ look here, but also, I feel, the way his mind is working, trying to decide his place and purpose. It’s so indicative of Cas’ struggle, which is typified by this episode, but also really strongly in this one image. And…that’s why I love it, I guess. The end. 
> 
> I suppose you could see ‘scolded child’ in this. But I see a soldier. Zachariah is his superior officer, who stands tall and proud with shoulders back. He’s clearly in charge in this pic. Then there’s Castiel, to the side and one step back and standing at parade rest – as a soldier in the presence of a superior officer does when not being directly engaged. The stance is meant to be a measure of respect. It is a formal resting stance. 
> 
> Head down like that though is a little unusual. Too far down to really be normal as far as my experience goes. Dunno about angels. And that’s where the doubt may come from. Someone with an ego like Zachariah might see it as deference, but we all know Castiel is upset with what is happening here. He’s just at conflict with the role he’s held for millions of years. He’s trusted this brother to lead him for possibly millions of years. As much as we all hate Zachariah, Castiel trusted him at some point.
> 
> I think we all forget too easily that Castiel is a soldier.

Definitely. By this point he’s already been taken to task for trying to rebel. He knows what the “real purpose” is behind the angels’ meddling on Earth, why Dean was sprung from Hell. He KNOWS that the aim is to free Lucifer, and he KNOWS how they intend to do it. He’s been reprogrammed (read: tortured) into compliance.

He knows what Zachariah isn’t telling Dean here. He’d essentially made a decision to tell the Winchesters everything back in 4.17 before he was captured and tortured. But even having been through all that, he is  _still_  conflicted. Some part of him still thinks humanity deserves to know what the angels are scheming. (and yes, by humanity I mean Dean.)

I think part of the reason he’s looking down, averting his eyes, is that he  _can’t look at Dean._

[spn 4.22](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.22) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord)

 

[Oct 8, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/130757843450/postmodernmulticoloredcloak-f-ckyeahfutbol)

287 notes

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/8f4011865d019ce0fc6c08376beb7a77/tumblr_nvvtjde6OU1qajdkvo4_500.gif)   


  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b5312f26f9dd0714456f67b48a07ec24/tumblr_nvvtjde6OU1qajdkvo2_250.gif)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/165bdf22eb362d94dd8cbdee4f50776f/tumblr_nvvtjde6OU1qajdkvo3_250.gif)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3c60a23e9a75503662d5a26ecc32ea7f/tumblr_nvvtjde6OU1qajdkvo1_500.gif)   


[postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/130750870047):

> [f-ckyeahfutbol](http://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/130748351156):
>
>> [punkascas](http://punkascas.tumblr.com/post/130726447823):
>>
>>> 
>>>      _Saving Dean:_ **Dean & the Darkness** vs **Dean & Castiel**
>> 
>> “What are you, allergic to straight answers, you son of a bitch!“
> 
> Except the Darkness did talk, Dean lied to Sam because he didn’t want Sam to know about what the Darkness said about them being bound. Which suggests that Dean has a trend of lying to Sam because he doesn’t want Sam to know things about his connections to certain people. Except that in Amara’s case, Dean didn’t want Sam to know about something supernatural and potentially creepy and dangerous, in Cas’ case, there’s nothing supernatural or creepy or dangerous going on…

YES. Okay, finally I’ve spotted the difference. Dean’s been silent on everything Amara told him in the swirly darkness. Every reaction from him in 11.01 to their conversation seems to be very unsettled, very uneasy, almost like he’s ashamed or afraid of the “bond” Amara insists they share. I see it more like Naomi’s interactions with Cas (without the mind control element, I hope). It’s something he’s deeply NOT OKAY WITH.

In contrast, after Cas’s first interaction with Dean, after knocking Bobby out because “We need to talk. Alone,” Dean’s first action is to basically describe everything that happened and everything he was told by Cas to Bobby and Sam. Their entire discussion at the beginning of 4.02 basically confirms that. Dean didn’t try to keep any of it a secret.

I expect we will see more of the conversation between Dean and Amara in 11.02, and will then have a better understanding of their “bond.” Which I will bet money on will play out similarly to the way Dean’s bond with Cas is played, but with certain very important differences.

Also, gorgeous work on that gif set, op!

[spn 11.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.01) [spn s11 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-spoilers) [spn meta-ish attached to much better meta](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-meta-ish-attached-to-much-better-meta) [wherein i jump on yet another perfectly fine post and blargh all over it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/wherein-i-jump-on-yet-another-perfectly-fine-post-and-blargh-all-over-it) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [and now the darkness](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-now-the-darkness) [spn 4.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.01) [spn 4.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.02)

 

[Oct 14, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131200097865/you-know-heaven-has-probably-existed-somewhat)

116 notes

**Anonymous asked: You know, heaven has probably existed somewhat peacefully for thousands of years. And in the past 8 years (s4 onwards), it's gone through so many leadership changes: Michael-(Raphael?)-Godstiel-Naomi-Metatron-Hannah. Not to mention all the dead angels during the civil war and the fall. It must be shit being an angel minion in spn land. Hm, random thought, there must be a limit to the number of angels in heaven, wonder how many are left now? (since I don't think God has been making any new ones)**

Yeah, I don’t think there’ve been any angel babies in a looooong time. Cas has already talked about how the civil war in s6 decimated their ranks, then Godstiel got revenge by killing a whole bunch more. More died in the Fall. Many, many more have died since.

But for the last few thousand years that they’d been coasting along under (apparently) Michael’s rule, I don’t know how many of them were really paying all that much attention to life on Earth. Some of them became bored enough to decide it was time to jumpstart the Apocalypse, after all. It’s not like they didn’t bring all this trouble on themselves,

With Michael in the Cage, Raphael, Naomi, and Hannah dead, and Metatron human and on the run, they don’t really have anyone else to point a finger at to punish other than Castiel at this point. Because we’re talking about it basically being Minion-level angels left. Even the middle management angels like Zachariah and Uriel are gone. It must be terribly disillusioning.

They’re already crippled, because Metatron’s spell hasn’t been reversed. They can’t fly, their powers are diminished, and whatever else Metatron’s spell affected is still not back to normal. None of them seem to realize that the Darkness has been set free yet, either.

My guess is that Heaven’s in chaos right now. Maybe someone will look around at the assembled group and realize they are a finite resource, and there might be better things to do with themselves than hunt down Castiel. Maybe some of them will realize that they can’t fix this problem alone, that Cas can’t give them the answers they need, but that maybe working together they can hope to set things right. Really, it’s everyone’s best hope.

Either that, or God needs to show up and send everyone to their rooms.

[spn 11.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.02) [spn s11 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-spoilers) [something in heaven is still broken](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/something-in-heaven-is-still-broken) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord)[if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/if-you-say-%27mysterious-ways%27-so-help-me-i-will-kick-your-ass) [Anon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anon)

 

 

[Oct 15, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131235825645/i-wonder-how-else-can-cas-reply-when-asked-what)

6 notes

**Anonymous asked: I wonder, how else can Cas reply when asked "What are you?" I feel he reiterates being "an angel of the Lord" because he doesn't know how else to define himself. He was created an angel, taught to be an angel/soldier, and lived for years as an angel. Perhaps his identity is wrapped around that. He's been shown becoming more human, but until he becomes one, he's still an angel (albeit one considered a rebel by the others). I can't see him answering with anything else. "Just Castiel." ?**

 I agree. Was it just me, or did he seem sort of defeated when he answered that in 11.02? He spent a few months without grace, essentially human, and when he “stole” another angel’s grace in s9 he told Dean he was an angel again, but only “sort of.” After so long hunting for his original grace, he finally has it back. He had to reclaim the title Angel of the Lord, even if it’s become an uncomfortably ill-fitting title for him.

With or without his grace, I think in some respects he will always self-identify as an angel. But also, he can’t help but look to his human experiences as something that have shaped him into what he is. He really can’t fit himself into an either/or, here. He’s become his own new thing. He is unique. He’s Castiel.

But every time he’s put on the spot and asked to choose, EVERY TIME he has chosen the Winchesters.

> To Dean: “I’m hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you
> 
> To Chuck: “We’re making it up as we go” (then proceeds to get himself blown up to hold off the archangels with “I’ll hold them off, I’ll hold them all off” to give Dean a chance to stop Sam from breaking Lucifer out of the cage)
> 
> To Lucifer: “You are not taking Sam Winchester. I won’t let you”
> 
> Re Leviathans: “ I have a price on my head, and I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to – to keep them away from you”

And that’s just the itty-bitty tip of the iceberg here.

So. Castiel Winchester it is.

[spn 11.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.02) [spn s11 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-spoilers) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [Anon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anon)

 

 

[Oct 17, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131350675560/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified)

509 notes

**Anonymous asked: At this point, I feel like Cas would be justified in shouting "Guys!! Stop asking what I am!! Just because I like the Winchesters best doesn't mean that I can't be an angel too! Grow up and learn that people can have different priorities!!" Maybe it's the product of not having physical bodies (or years of brainwashing) but angels seem to think 'Having different ideas=Not one of us' very strongly? Heaven is such a disfunctional family :p**

[punkascas](http://punkascas.tumblr.com/post/131344867298/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified):

> [humanformdragon](http://humanformdragon.tumblr.com/post/131344072603/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified):
>
>> [punkascas](http://punkascas.tumblr.com/post/131343168263/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified):
>>
>>> [humanformdragon](http://humanformdragon.tumblr.com/post/131342328533/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified):
>>>
>>>> [elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/131341001148/at-this-point-i-feel-like-cas-would-be-justified):
>>>>
>>>>> Cas is that weird cousin that makes Christmas dinner really awkward by showing up with a rebellious tattoo and a boyfriend they hate, and ends up asking for money or getting in a fight that knocks over the Christmas tree.
>>>>> 
>>>>> This is literally his family dynamic with Heaven in canon. 
>>>> 
>>>> Yeah, but to be fair, he also saves the house every now and then and they beg him to help with their problems when they’re having a huge, stand-up and knock-down family fight. Then, when he doesn’t drop the boyfriend and change his whole style afterwards, they go back to slagging him off and telling him he should change. 
>>> 
>>> Well there was also that one time he just burned the entire house down while off his head on drugs and got really into radical politics and had to do that year in rehab. You know he wouldn’t have done that stuff if that boyfriend of his hadn’t put him up to it. That guy is just a terrible influence on Cas. Things would have been better if he’d just listened to  ~~Mother~~  Naomi when she picked him up from rehab and tried to bring him home. 
>> 
>> Granted, granted. But he also wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t been brought up so strictly and told to go and trick that boyfriend into letting his older brother climb inside - um. 
>> 
>> Anyway, Raph threatened to kill him. That’s why he turned to drugs. 
>> 
>> And you have to question why, after the house burning and radicalism, they turned up and told him to take point on getting back in the house that time - that’s a lot to put on someone who’s had drug problems and a breakdown. And they should stop trying to get him to turn on his boyfriend. A nice ‘we accept your love’ party would solve, like, half of their problems.
> 
> Raph only tried to kill him because Cas came home after his stint abroad shoving his new political beliefs into everyone’s face at family dinner, right after having gotten Michael and Lucifer sentenced to prison. Like, maybe if Cas just had some more tact, you know???
> 
> But it’s very true that the Family is not awesome at the whole mental health business or being supportive. That whole drama with Lucifer probably wouldn’t have escalated in the first place if they did some group therapy. They could at least stop trying to kill the boyfriend and his brother. I don’t think Cas would even need the party as long as they agreed to do that.  ~~I mean Metatron did kind of try to throw Cas a party acknowledging his love.~~  
> 
> No wonder Gabriel and Anna and Balthazar all ran away. Dating outside the family is massively complicated and frowned upon.  

Well, to be fair, it’s not like he had a typical nuclear family relationship with them before all this. It seemed less like a family and more like a military dictatorship, with the higher-ups insisting they conquer the whole planet. Cas was a double agent, working within his ranks but also befriending the people they were supposedly trying to conquer. Once the old dictators were ousted, upstart Raphael insisted they break their old leaders out of prison and restart the war.

It’s not like he was rebelling against his happy little family by acting out and committing petty crimes. They weren’t all sitting around the dinner table lamenting where they went wrong with him, while he was out playing mailbox baseball with a bunch of rowdy punks. He was trying to stop them from committing even larger crimes. Like, planet-level war crimes.

Now he’s on the run, on their most wanted list, and completely defected to the enemy’s side. But he’s already caused so much trouble in the name of foiling their attempts at conquest that they’re blind to the fact they’re in danger from other invading armies because they’re too busy focusing on getting retribution from his long string of seeming betrayals against them and their cause.

He’s even tried to hold negotiations with them multiple times, but being more powerful than the people they’re trying to conquer is a bit heady, and he’s been unable to convince them to just let these people be. The one angel he managed to convince, Hannah, was overthrown by popular vote in favor of running him down to hold him accountable for his actions.

Sorry. I just can’t see the angels as a traditional family. Cas’s most frequent descriptions of his life before yoinking Dean from Hell is “I am a soldier.” He was stationed at a Garrison. Every reference to the hierarchy is coded military.

But it would be hilarious, now that the Darkness is free, for the remaining angels to suddenly realize that they might need Cas’s leadership skills. He’s practically the only one of them left who has any experience running the joint, even if he was technically in a drug-fueled frenzy at the time…

Maybe now they’ll actually sit at the table with him. I’m picturing some intense negotiations over what shape the table should be, with Dean and Sam just watching and shaking their heads. Dean finally gets frustrated and just mutters, “Fuck this, let’s just meet at the bar in town and meet around the pool table. Loser concedes to the winner.”

So they do. Dean’s bartender friend dude is weirded out when a bunch of weirdos in business suits show up, but Dean handily beats all the angels, and they finally sit down over a plate of nachos and a couple of beers and work out the details of their new arrangement with Sam, who’s worked every possible contingency clause into the contract.

Meanwhile Cas just sits there smiling, because yes the nachos taste like molecules, but he thinks he’s converted a new group of double-agents who might be just a little bit swayed to his opinion of the Winchesters and Humanity in general. Hey, even  _Death_  enjoyed Dean’s queso. It’s not a far stretch to assume it could also tempt angels.

[spn meta-ish](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-meta-ish) [this is probably more crack then meta though](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-is-probably-more-crack-then-meta-though) [wherein i jump on yet another perfectly fine post and blargh all over it](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/wherein-i-jump-on-yet-another-perfectly-fine-post-and-blargh-all-over-it) [yeah cas is a rebel but to me he's not a rebel in the same sense as a teenager acting out](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yeah-cas-is-a-rebel-but-to-me-he%27s-not-a-rebel-in-the-same-sense-as-a-teenager-acting-out) [more in the way a disillusioned soldier on the front lines of a brutal war acts out](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/more-in-the-way-a-disillusioned-soldier-on-the-front-lines-of-a-brutal-war-acts-out) [he's seen the atrocities and he knows there's worse planned](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/he%27s-seen-the-atrocities-and-he-knows-there%27s-worse-planned) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [because he's definitely not really](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-he%27s-definitely-not-really) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [anymore](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/anymore)

 

[Oct 19, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131491340280/f-ckyeahfutbol-larinah-not-necessarily)

71 notes

  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/c8786619f35dbda2a5200b15a5e649d9/tumblr_nwfc8p1NNa1re6c9lo1_1280.jpg)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/25fdb46287274045164cdd9a93c6f0f1/tumblr_nwfc8p1NNa1re6c9lo2_1280.png)   


  
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/3f19789b7056860e6b29bc54b0e2c666/tumblr_nwfc8p1NNa1re6c9lo3_1280.png)   


[f-ckyeahfutbol](http://f-ckyeahfutbol.tumblr.com/post/131488179546):

> [larinah](http://larinah.tumblr.com/post/131424713697):
>
>> Not necessarily saying that SPN’s “The Bad Seed” shows Crowley and Amara playing Scrabble because of “Rosemary’s Baby”, but Scrabble plays a pretty important part in the film…
>> 
>> Look it says “clown” on their board.  Sam has nothing to be ashamed of…practically everyone is afraid of clowns and every horror movie knows it!!!
>> 
>> (Also Rosemary’s husband officially wins the worst husband of all time award.)
> 
> “Men”, “waned”, ”atone”.
> 
> “Tit”.

Did… did Crowley actually spell out “CASTEVE?” As in, CAS-STEVE?  Because they way it blend’s Cas’s Angelic identity with his Human identity seems rather on point there…

And ROMAN? Really Crowley? As in DICK ROMAN, the last Uber-Monster you tried to tame with a big basket baby uvula muffins and good will? Because I recall screaming at the television when you began your campaign to entice Amara to your side DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HOW THIS WENT WITH THE LEVIATHANS YOU DOPE?! Yeah. I don’t think he forgets. I wonder if he’s gonna regret trying to buddy up with Amara for similar reasons.

Plus, Crowley, dude, you’re only allowed to have 7 letters at a time in Scrabble. You seem to have 12.

[spn 11.03 promo photo](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.03-promo-photo) [someone needs to teach crowley the rules of scrabble](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/someone-needs-to-teach-crowley-the-rules-of-scrabble) [crowley](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/crowley) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [and a nice callback to the leviathan debacle which i've seen compared to the darkness in MANY metas lately](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-a-nice-callback-to-the-leviathan-debacle-which-i%27ve-seen-compared-to-the-darkness-in-MANY-metas-lately) [spn meta-ish](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-meta-ish) [rosemary's baby](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/rosemary%27s-baby)

 

[Jan 17, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/156000542995/so-i-was-rewatching-407-just-now-throwing-out)

22 notes

So I was rewatching 4.07 just now, throwing out random comments at [@elizabethrobertajones](https://tmblr.co/mgG_5cqPDBqPGN1DslU_e6Q), as you do. But then I hit on something I think is important and went a lil bit nuts. I was just trying to be crack-silly, and accidental meta happened. Oops.

(I just scrolled up the chat thingy and copy/pasted the whole thing, which is why it reads like a choppy chat log. Because that’s what it is.)

mittensmorgul  
I cry a lil bit every time they call him “Sam Hain”  
sorry for the random stuff today. :D

elizabethrobertajones  
AAAH SEASON 4  
I’m sorry I was out the house and missed a chance to squee along :P

mittensmorgul  
It’s okay. I took a break to put bleach in my hair, and I just sat back down to watch 4.07 again  
URIEL.

mittensmorgul  
ASTRONAUT!!!!!

mittensmorgul  
God there is SO MUCH FUNDAMENTAL STUFF in this episode  
Righteousness  
Sam questioning his faith  
Angels are dicks  
Cas saying they had no choice, because their orders were just  
and validating that justness because they came from heaven  
because heaven was by default JUST  
when it’s so full of corruption it’s sickening  
but Cas playing off Uriel here we see the very beginnings of why Cas is different  
He SEES that heaven’s orders seem to defy what is Just, what is Righteous  
While exactly following their “true orders” to obey Dean’s orders  
regardless of what happens  
I can see why the Heavenly Hierarchy would’ve PICKED CAS SPECIFICALLY for this role as Dean’s confidant angel…  
With his history of rebellion  
Because Cas WAS IN THE DARK  
He was still playing his role here

elizabethrobertajones  
you mean they wanted him to be a bit rebellious and like Dean?

mittensmorgul  
They needed an angel who WOULD rebel against orders, just a little bit, to manipulate Dean into the position they needed him  
And Sam, too

elizabethrobertajones  
heh

mittensmorgul  
Uriel kept telling Sam NOT to use his demon powers, yet… we learn later that Sam developing his demon powers WAS CRUCIAL TO THE EVENTUAL FULFILLMENT OF THEIR PLAN

elizabethrobertajones  
Also making Dean feel in control/important

mittensmorgul  
Yeah.

elizabethrobertajones  
ready to accept Michael because of that leadership role  
which… didn’t happen :P

mittensmorgul  
Cas still didn’t know that Heaven WANTED the seals to break

elizabethrobertajones  
I mean, Zach wants him out hunting after 4x17

mittensmorgul  
yeah

elizabethrobertajones  
it’s not just about Dean giving up, he wants him out there fighting and thinking there’s something he can do  
so maybe that leads on to him thinking saying yes is just a continuation of that duty…

mittensmorgul  
Yeah. He wants Dean to feel responsible for what happens, to be invested in it, so he’ll be primed to say yes when the time comes  
Yeah  
Cas with the crack in his chassis, who never exactly obeyed orders properly, was their wild card  
Still loyal to Heaven, yet rebellious enough to appeal to Dean,  
to give Dean the “illusion” that he still had some power in this situation  
that he had a chance to control the outcome

elizabethrobertajones  
and they knew he’d never go for the rest of them bossing him around because angels like Uriel or Zach have no appeal to Dean :P

mittensmorgul  
It wouldn’t have worked with a complete rebel angel (like Anna)  
Nor with a Strict By The Books angel (like Uriel or Zachariah)  
EXACTLY!  
Cas was just enough rebel and just enough loyal to fit the bill.

elizabethrobertajones  
basically… it was an angel blind date

mittensmorgul  
Yeah

elizabethrobertajones  
except perhaps they didn’t anticipate the actual romance :P  
and when Cas started getting too close the whole playing with fire leaned towards them getting burned so, keep Cas away from Dean a bit more :P

mittensmorgul  
And it wasn’t the moment Cas touched Dean’s soul in Hell that he was lost. That was just the fulfillment of eons of Cas’s rebellious nature coming to fruition

mittensmorgul  
Yeah. When Cas tipped the balance and began outright questioning his orders, and suspecting something was rotten in Heaven, that he’d been lied to and manipulated all along, THAT’S when Heaven had to act to reset him… and we got 4.20  
Okay, I’m copy/pasting this whole train of thought into a post

****

(okay this is me again. I just wanted to post this for reference because I’m collecting all the relevant canon stuff about Cas’s history of rebellion, because this is all going to be relevant to the choices Cas makes coming up in s12. This is at the core of his character, of who and what he is, and who and what he may choose to be going forward. Not to mention key to unlocking the guilt and regret he’s been unable to let go of.)

[spn s4](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s4) [spn 4.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.07) [spn 4.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.20) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [whoa blast from the past tag...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/whoa-blast-from-the-past-tag...) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [basically IT HAD TO BE CAS because IT COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN CAS](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/basically-IT-HAD-TO-BE-CAS-because-IT-COULD-ONLY-HAVE-BEEN-CAS) [because of who he already was the first time he laid his hand on dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-of-who-he-already-was-the-first-time-he-laid-his-hand-on-dean) [that crack in his chassis was JUST WIDE ENOUGH for for Dean to get a crowbar in and pry him open](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-crack-in-his-chassis-was-JUST-WIDE-ENOUGH-for-for-Dean-to-get-a-crowbar-in-and-pry-him-open) [it was a two way street because Dean's own cracks were just wide enough for Cas to pry him open in return](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it-was-a-two-way-street-because-Dean%27s-own-cracks-were-just-wide-enough-for-Cas-to-pry-him-open-in-return) [IT'S NOT FUCKING CODEPENDENT IT'S FREAKING SYMBIOTIC AND IT'S GLORIOUS](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/IT%27S-NOT-FUCKING-CODEPENDENT-IT%27S-FREAKING-SYMBIOTIC-AND-IT%27S-GLORIOUS) [spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation)

 

#  [Cas’ Symbolic Association with Fish in s12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157408365705/cas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12)

[Feb 18, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157408365705/cas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12)

924 notes

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak](http://postmodernmulticoloredcloak.tumblr.com/post/157394669647/cas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12):

> [winchester-reload](http://winchester-reload.tumblr.com/post/157379655855/cas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12):
>
>> We get this explicit image in 12x12:  
>> 
>>   
> 
>> 
>> Which just looks a helluva lot like this
>> 
>> Coupled with previous mentions of Rowena associating Cas with Fish from two seasons before that
>> 
>> Which makes it all the more interesting that we have this from just one episode before 
>> 
>>  
>> 
>> And yeah, I know, he was talking about Dory, but in a show that’s at least 75% subtextual, was he really talking about Dory??? (Or should I just go find my tin hat?)
>> 
>> I originally pulled the last two gifs together [as a joke](http://winchester-reload.tumblr.com/post/157045015350/i-had-to-do-it) when 12x11 aired, but after seeing more blatant Cas/fish associations in 12x12, I’m starting to think this is a continuing theme. One, MAYBE leading up to some more explicit Dean/Cas.
>> 
>> If we take just a quick look at the symbolism of fish, you get anything from associations with Christianity, to dreams about fish indicating:
>>
>>> ~Realizations of oppressed feelings (emotional or spiritual)  
> ~Self-censoring  
> ~Avoidance  [X](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fdreammoods.com%2Fcgibin%2Fdreamdictionarysearch.pl%3Fmethod%3Dexact%26header%3Ddreamsymbol%26search%3Dfish&t=YmJmMjUxODQ2MWRjMWI1YjZmOTk5NzQxN2Q1YmQ4MzU5M2EwYzZjYSxSWnpzbnJ3ag%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157408365705%2Fcas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12&m=1)
>> 
>> And, well-known idioms like, “Plenty of fish in the sea” when talking about romantic trysts.
>> 
>> It adds up, really. Cas has shown great emotional growth this season, not to mention, in 12x12 when he explicitly said he loved Dean (loved everybody), and promptly blue-screened my poor, fangirl brain (and Dean’s too, okay? I’ll fight you).
>> 
>> It begs the question, why then, if Cas is doing all this soul-searching is he never interested in branching away from Dean Winchester with these intimate feelings? And why is Dean so damn interested in getting him that lusty hookup he thinks Cas wants? He doesn’t do that to Sam.
>> 
>> I’m not saying Dean might be projecting his own feelings (except that I’m saying he’s totally reading Cas and projecting his own feelings), I’m just saying, I feel like they’re pulling together in a very intimate way.
> 
> And let’s not forget that the fish represented humanity in 6x20 (don’t step on that fish), so Cas being a fish means that Cas is a human (at least in all the ways that count).

Also from 6.20:

> Castiel: Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

That little grey fish that flopped up on land, the one Cas didn’t step on, had a long way to go before it would understand poetry, either.

But during s10 when Cas was on his road trip with Hannah to round up rogue angels who just wanted to be left alone on Earth to experience  _human_  things… they’d been camping in the woods, and fishing.

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord)

 

#  [An Headcanon](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164764210985/an-headcanon)

[Aug 29, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/164764210985/an-headcanon)

69 notes

One read you could technically take away from Supernatural is that Cas’s true final form will be as a literal fish swimming out to sea. There’s so much fish imagery around him, it’s a legit interpretation of canon. I can almost hear echoes of Dean…

*insert harp cascade and rippling dream sequence effect here*

“I WANT HIM TO JUST KEEP SWIMMING! I’M NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR LOVING THAT FISH! NOT TO YOU, NOT TO ANYONE!”

Great. Now I can’t stop thinking about fish!Cas swimming off into the sunset with salmon!Dean.

[spn crack](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-crack) [this actually evolved from something I tripped over trying to find a way to explain something entirely unrelated](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-actually-evolved-from-something-I-tripped-over-trying-to-find-a-way-to-explain-something-entirely-unrelated) [and then being reminded of my s10 tag for cas which was](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-then-being-reminded-of-my-s10-tag-for-cas-which-was) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord) [and one thing led to another and BOOM we've entered absolute crackland](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-one-thing-led-to-another-and-BOOM-we%27ve-entered-absolute-crackland)[you're welcome](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/you%27re-welcome) [salmon!dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/salmon%21dean) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel)

 

 


	7. The Fisher King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A meta conversation, largely with @flyingfish1, but preserved here for its import.

# “The Wounded Angel,” communication, and the quest for the Holy Grail

Feb 18, 2017

130 notes

[flyingfish1](http://flyingfish1.tumblr.com/post/157408473678/the-wounded-angel-communication-and-the-quest):

> I know I’m not the only one to notice the allusions to the story of The Fisher King/The Wounded King in the last episode of Supernatural! *tips my hat to [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg)’s Fisher King anon for [getting](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157248892940/hope-thirds-the-charm-x-hello-im-sending) [the ball rolling](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157252715030/thank-you-so-much-for-the-awesome-answer)*
> 
> The story of the Fisher King comes out of Arthurian, and pre-Arthurian, legend. There are several versions of the story, told by several different writers, but from what I can tell (and I’m not an expert) a few core elements are found in nearly every version:
> 
> The Fisher King is the keeper of the Grail who lives in the Grail Castle. Some time before the story starts, the Fisher King was terribly wounded in the thigh, side, or groin—pierced by a poisoned lance. He is unable to heal, and while he wastes away, his kingdom—which he is linked to–becomes a wasteland. He can’t rule properly while he is injured. He can’t ride or fight. The only thing he can do is fish. Sometimes there are two figures, one of whom is the keeper of the Grail and the other of whom is the Wounded King.
> 
> The Fisher King can only be healed by a worthy knight, Perceval/Percival or Galahad. That knight (“the Grail Knight”) must complete a task to demonstrate his inner worthiness and, upon the completion of the task, the Wounded King will be healed and his kingdom will be healed along with him.
> 
> “The Grail Question”  
> The knight’s task is usually to ask the “Grail question.” It’s a very simple question, as simple as asking how the Fisher King was wounded, or asking him “what troubles him.” Initially, the knight always fails to ask the Grail Question, and so the Fisher King can’t be healed. The knight must then prove his worthiness by completing a task—sometimes the task is to mend a broken sword or, maybe, to avenge the Fisher King—and the completion of the task might partially heal the King. Sometimes it means that the knight is now worthy enough to ask the question that will heal the King. The King rewards the knight with knowledge of the Grail.
> 
> When I started writing this I didn’t expect to be putting the King of Hell in the role of the most worthy knight, but here we are… Crowley’s not alone in the role, though.
> 
> Cas and Ramiel are both “Fisher Kings.” Ramiel is the fisherman and the keeper of the metaphorical “Grail”—the Colt—and the Lance. Cas is wounded by the Lance. Cas is also dubbed “The Wounded Angel,” a reference to the “Wounded King/the Maimed King.”
> 
> There’s a bit of a theme this season of not having enough information/having the wrong information, but also of “filling in the blanks” of your own story—the “unasked question” of the legend. Only when the lines of communication are open can the healing truly begin.
> 
> Cas can’t be healed until everyone starts speaking honestly. Dean needs to snap out of his denial and acknowledge that Cas is dying, first of all. Then they all need to acknowledge, and  _actually say out loud for once,_ how they feel about each other. All those questions they didn’t ask and all those things that they didn’t feel able to tell each other until very recently–how much they love one another, how much they’ve changed one another, how happy they make one another, that they’re family–that’s the “healing” information that they all need to get off their chests. It heals more than Cas’ physical wound. It lets him believe, finally, that he has a place in the world where he is loved and valued and accepted for exactly who he is. It’s a way to start healing the emotional wounds that he’s been suffering from for so long.
> 
> Welp, and then there’s Crowley. Crowley as a Grail knight, worthy enough that his endeavor is what heals the Wounded King?! Huh. But the grail question (“What troubles you?”) can be seen as being about showing care and kindness, which is exactly what Crowley did. Maybe that’s why it was Crowley who could heal him: because selflessness and kindness is a much bigger deal coming from him, the demon, than it would be coming from anyone else. Crowley’s humanity is showing, possibly more than it ever has before. He gave up a chance to kill Lucifer for the sake of saving Cas’s life. For all that Crowley says it was because Cas is useful to him, we know that it was much more than that. Crowley cares, and that’s what makes him worthy enough to cure the Fisher King.
> 
> Will he get the Grail itself, too, later?
> 
> Sam also deserves credit for killing Ramiel and avenging Cas’ wound. Sam’s action doesn’t cure Cas, but he’s still playing the role of a Grail knight to a certain extent. It ties into his childhood dreams of being like Sir Galahad.  
>   
> Mary is the one to actually walk out of the Grail Castle with the Grail itself: the Colt. She’s also in the role of a Grail knight.  
> ….. and she delivers the Colt to ARTHUR Ketch. Naturally. Ha, omg. We should’ve known we’d be getting Arthurian stuff when we first heard his full name!
> 
> It’s an interesting take on the story, because none of our characters map out onto their roles: Mr. Ketch is hardly King Arthur; Crowley, playing the part of the near-saintly knight, is a demon; his “task” (breaking the lance) is the opposite of the traditional Grail Knight’s task of mending a broken sword; and Mary, who gets the “Grail,” steals it from its owner instead of having its owner/protector voluntarily offer it to her. It makes me wonder if the Colt is really going to give Mary what she truly desires or if her plan is going to backfire on her in some way…
> 
> * * *
> 
> Like I said at the beginning, I’m not AT ALL well-versed in this stuff, so if anybody more knowledgeable than me has any thoughts/corrections/ideas, I’d love to see them.
> 
> * * *
> 
> [http://d.lib.rochester.edu/camelot/text/annis-the-fisher-king-essay-and-bibliography](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fd.lib.rochester.edu%2Fcamelot%2Ftext%2Fannis-the-fisher-king-essay-and-bibliography&t=MTM2OTIxOTk3OWMyYjcwZTEzNTE1Y2VjMTdlOGRlMTgwNzkyMjRlZixFbzdreXprWg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F157410350015%2Fthe-wounded-angel-communication-and-the-quest&m=1) 

I think it’s also important to note that Mary has known what the “right questions” (which to her, as she told Wally, are effectively “the wrong questions”) should’ve been before they even started on their mission. She was actively preventing Sam and Dean from even knowing they should be asking questions in the first place.

Ramiel’s question– who stole his MacGuffin– was dismissed as irrelevant once Cas was healed, setting the stage for this issue of finding the RIGHT questions to ask to resurface down the line.

Now that Crowley has broken the lance, he’s essentially wounded himself, destroying the one weapon that could’ve vanquished his foes (Lucifer, the other Princes), and effectively lost the only other weapon that could save him from Dagon and Asmodeus…

Crowley’s now also a wounded king.

Reblogged from [flyingfish1](https://flyingfish1.tumblr.com/post/157408473678/the-wounded-angel-communication-and-the-quest) 

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [the fisher king](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-fisher-king) [using your words](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/using-your-words) [because ain't it the truth? that's what this all boils down to...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/because-ain%27t-it-the-truth%3F-that%27s-what-this-all-boils-down-to...)

 

Feb 14, 2017

21 notes

**Anonymous asked: Hope third's the charm x) - Hello, I’m sending this to a few authorities on SPN that first popped into my head – since I’m silly excited about a find/idea/crack, and hopeful I’ll stumble upon someone with more knowledge on the matter! - So, episode 12x12. Have you heard of Arthurian and later Christian stories of the Fisher King or Wounded King? These have many variations and authors, so can get confusing, and SPN always takes creative liberty with legends. Fisher Anon 1/3**

> But to catch some parallels you need only skim the Wikipedia page on Fisher King, especially the Themes chapter. - The Fisher King is pierced by a spear (always magical, poisonous, etc.) in the groin(!), as punishment for forbidden love/breaking the oath of chastity of a bearer of the Holy Grail. This leaves him impotent, his kingdom failing and unable to hunt (only fish). Sometimes there are two kings – one less wounded and fishing, other unable to rise from the bed. Fisher Anon 2/3
> 
> He is cured by a knight (or three) who either asks the right questions, stabs him with the spear again or cures him with the blood of the spear (in Christian versions, because Spear of Destiny). ……Obviously, fanciful parallels are weaving around my head, but I very much hope someone will find this intriguing and add insightful coherent stuff! : ) Have a lovely day! (Fisher Anon 3/3)

YAY! I’m so happy to see the first two parts to this! :D

AND YES, I have heard of the Fisher King. I find this line of thought fascinating!

Castiel has been threatened with this very type of wound, as recently as 11.02 when he was being tortured by his “brother” angels… and now in context with the revelation of the angels’ “Most Sacred Oath,” not to lie with humanity or spawn a nephilim, this takes on yet another layer of meaning.

The show has also told us that Dean is in possession of the Spear of Destiny, way back in 8.17 (in the same scene where Dean also discovers the Inner Key of Oz…).

The other parallel that’s occurred to me in that scene where it looks as if Cas is dragging himself across the ground clutching the wound in his abdomen is 8.21. At the end of that episode Sam and Dean find him lying in the middle of the road clutching a very similar wound and begging for help. Based on that reference, I’m very interested to know if we’re headed for a subversion of those events from the end of s8.

Dean’s rejection of Castiel (based on his own feelings of hurt and rejection FROM Cas back in 8.17) led directly to Cas’s quest to atone for his wrongs and left him vulnerable to Metatron’s influence… setting the stage for the Angel Fall Event in 8.23 which resulted in Human Cas… vunlerable and “impotent” as you said, or in this case “powerless” without his grace. He was wounded.

If that is the case now, that we’re finally going to subvert some of the horror from early s9, I am hopeful that the events surrounding his “cure” this time lead him to a different and better resolution.

Throwing this out to the rest of the tumbles for thoughts. :)

[spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [the fisher king](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-fisher-king) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Feb 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157471167515/hello-i-was-wondering-if-you-have-any-links-to)

205 notes

**Anonymous asked: hello! i was wondering if you have any links to the fish meta about castiel? or if you wrote any yourself? i can't seem to find it**

[rosewhipped22](http://rosewhipped22.tumblr.com/post/157456884073/hello-i-was-wondering-if-you-have-any-links-to):

> [bluestar86](http://bluestar86.tumblr.com/post/157456427403/hello-i-was-wondering-if-you-have-any-links-to):
>
>> Hey! well I don’t remember reading anything specific recently, as I thought about it during my review for this episode after seeing [this post](http://winchester-reload.tumblr.com/post/157045015350/i-had-to-do-it) cross my dash and having a good giggle. But when Cas was first called a fish by Rowena in 10x22 (Dabb episode) I think there was stuff floating around. I wasn’t actually active until season 11 started so I don’t have any archives of meta from around that time, however from my own memory about Cas and fish we have these lines from 6x20:
>> 
>> _“I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach and an older brother saying, “don’t step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish.”_
>> 
>> __“Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.”_   
>  _
>> 
>> and this line for 10x22
>> 
>> _“You’re just fascinating. An angel that rejected Heaven. That’s like a fish that wants to fly, or a dog that thinks he’s people.”_
>> 
>> _“ I’d be happy to kill her, she just called me a fish.”_
>> 
>> (obviously these callbacks to 6x20 just go hand in hand with season 12 as Dabb is clearly as big a fan of 6x20 as we are. 
>> 
>> I THINK these are the only two instances pre Season 12 but please someone correct me if I’m wrong.
>> 
>> Interestingly there is conflicting symbolism here. In 6x20 BOTH humanity and angels are referred to as fish. Humanity at first as the whole “big plans for that fish” implies that it would evolve into humans, but Cas refers to angels as fish as well in terms of how they cannot understand freewill. 
>> 
>> In 10x22 Cas is really insulted at Rowena calling him a fish, (compared to humans? or Angels?) but Rowena had a point. Cas has been described (I think by Edlund) as the “fish out of water” by being the angel who rejects heaven and tries to be human. He doesn’t quite fit in, but he still tries. From 6x20s symbolically connecting fish to both Humans and Angels it makes sense that Cas is the “fish” in this respect. He is both Angel and Human in a way, or at least, he is the Angel of Humanity at this point.
>> 
>> I think 12x12 explored that imagery with Cas being the fisherman’s “catch” and I don’t think it was a random connection. 12x12 is FULL of references to 6x20 and therefore it just fits. Cas is the fish. Still desperately struggling to crawl onto the shoreline, to find his place in this new scary dry world full of new dangers. Just like humanity did long ago on that shoreline, Cas is finding his place. Thankfully by the end of 12x12 he had his place confirmed. There is no doubt anymore in his mind that he is a Winchester, and that he has a safe place to call home.
>> 
>> It just so happens that one episode prior to Cas being “the fish” Dean said this:
>> 
>> _([gif source](http://winchester-reload.tumblr.com/post/157045015350/i-had-to-do-it)) _
>> 
>> Its just such a damn coincidence don’t ya think? :P
> 
> [This post](http://tardisdementor.tumblr.com/post/157430005830/cas-symbolic-association-with-fish-in-s12) and [this post](http://rosewhipped22.tumblr.com/post/157445328983/a-fish-out-of-water-not-necessarily-a-bad-thing) are both relevant to this discussion, I think.

If we’re also talking about fishermen (which is also relevant to 12.12), the discussions of the Fisher King might be relevant here too…

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157410350015/the-wounded-angel-communication-and-the-quest>

And we probably shouldn’t forget Castiel’s last act before being dragged back to Heaven in 4.20 (because he’d been getting too close to the humans in his charge. (Which he immediately clarified to mean Dean  _specifically_ , because of course he did. It’s not like Dean and Cas have a nearly 9 year history of making these sorts of plural/singular statements to each other… >.>)

ETA: Detective Mel has provided some links to older meta that may also be of interest here:

<http://jkateel.tumblr.com/post/36457279986/so-i-decided-to-look-up-the-symbolism-of-fish-and>

<http://jkateel.tumblr.com/post/38445042788/gif-from-here-x-someone-on-the>

<http://whatwouldcaptainamericado.tumblr.com/post/57396185561/no-gosh-id-love-to-answer-i-just-hope-i-can-find>

<http://subjecttochange8.tumblr.com/post/63613074000/follow-the-stream-cas-and-water-since-season>

<http://drsilverfish.tumblr.com/post/99511308089/poetry-to-fish-supernatural-10x01-black>

<http://larinah.tumblr.com/post/77760054630/metatrons-book-club-part-5-rumble-fish-by>

<http://larinah.tumblr.com/tagged/day-two-of-hiatus-and-i-have-to-go-to-the-dentist-and-am-trying-to-not-think-about-that-because-i-hate-going-to-the-dentist>

<http://iwatchthepie.tumblr.com/post/104778193027/when-the-waters-rose-in-the-darkness-water-and>

<http://neven-ebrez.tumblr.com/post/105083761003/iwatchthepie-dubiousculturalartifacts-post>

<http://angelswatchingover.tumblr.com/post/118914409178>

<http://larinah.tumblr.com/post/118385146627/welcome-to-awkwardville-larinah-heres>

(as you can see this is a topic we’ve been covering for years…

[spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [the fisher king](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-fisher-king) [castiel is the fish who thinks he can fly](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-is-the-fish-who-thinks-he-can-fly) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord)

(saved for the links, which hopefully will continue to work, since the majority of these are not my posts to archive...)

 

[Jun 13, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161796645120/so-i-was-just-rewatching-the-finale-and-i-noticed)

27 notes

**Anonymous asked: So I was just rewatching the finale and I noticed that Cas's body is positioned with his left hand over top the place he was stabbed with the spear in 12.12. Any thoughts on why that might be? Is it emphasizing the Christ imagery, do you think? Just a callback to the episode? Or might there be more to it?**

Oh! Hi there! And yeah, his pose has been likened to the Hanged Man tarot card by [@margarittet](https://tmblr.co/mNycyDS2bX5waei7uXBregw):

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161624108295/castiel-the-hanged-man>

And after 12.12 there was some excellent discussion of Cas as the Fisher King:

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157410350015/the-wounded-angel-communication-and-the-quest>

<http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/157248892940/hope-thirds-the-charm-x-hello-im-sending>

But you are right, his wound in 12.12 was right under where his hand is in 12.23

  


Considering he was actually stabbed very high on his chest. You can see the tiny lil blood spot on the original screenshot here:

[http://www.homeofthenutty.com/supernatural/screencaps/displayimage.php?album=284&pid=347905#top_display_media](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.homeofthenutty.com%2Fsupernatural%2Fscreencaps%2Fdisplayimage.php%3Falbum%3D284%26pid%3D347905%23top_display_media&t=MjA1ZTZlNmYyYTI0MjA4ZWY2NjViMGNkMTE3YWQ4ZjdkOGJmMzBkYyxpWXZHOEZhUA%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F161796645120%2Fso-i-was-just-rewatching-the-finale-and-i-noticed&m=1)

So there’s an awful lot going on here!

[spn 12.12](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.12) [spn 12.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.23) [the fisher king](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-fisher-king) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [castiel angelfish of the lord](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-angelfish-of-the-lord)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 13, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172904633680/i-know-everyones-already-laughed-about-gabriels)

201 notes

**[andimeantittosting](http://andimeantittosting.tumblr.com/) asked: I know everyone's already laughed about Gabriel's first word being "Pornstars," but is there anything to be said in a meta vein about that fact that he was correcting Sam's words, other than the general theme of needing to get the words right?**

Oh gosh, yeah. I mean, of everything Sam said in his plea (and he said A Lot):

**Sam:**  Gabriel, you have to dig yourself out of this hole. Look, I know you think it’s safer inside. No more torture. No more pain. No more expectations. I’ve been there. You were nothing like your family. You sure as hell weren’t like your dad. Me either. And just like you, I got out. or I-I thought I got out. But then… then my family needed me. And this is my life. No matter how many times I try to fight it, this is what I was put here to do. This is how I make the world a better place. And sure, yeah, hookers and Monte Carlo sounds great, but your family needs you. Jack, your nephew, needs you. The world needs you. We need you. Gabriel, I need you. So, please, help us.

“Porn stars” is what his sticking point was.

There’s a few things I need to point out before I ramble on about this exchange, because hopefully this can lend some extra meta weight. :D

We’ve been talking since the promo (and since we first saw Gabriel with his mouth sewn shut) about how his silence was a tidy metaphor for all the things being unsaid in s13. And really, the “using your words” nonsense with terminally unhealthy communication issues  has been going on FAR longer than that.

To backtrack even further, and in my lil attempt to scoop up all the communication and miscommunication meta under one umbrella here, I’m gonna remind everyone of all [The Fisher King/The Wounded King meta](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the%20fisher%20king)that’s been going around since 12.12 at least (and really since before that surrounding Cas specifically), because that’s ALSO a parable on “using your words” and only being healed by speaking the truth. And considering Cas spoke his truth while wounded in 12.12 in a very similar visual way to Dean’s bullet wound in the AU in 13.18, and he WAS healed by “speaking truth” to Ketch after denying he needed medical attention, I think this is also a theme we need to keep in mind going forward.

Gabriel himself was The Wounded King, tortured and unable to even pose any questions having his mouth sewn shut, but he eventually did speak some truth, and the first truth he spoke was a clarification. I am actually really excited about this development. I mean, he obviously hasn’t addressed the entire truth yet, but this is a good start, and was enough to heal at least his physical wounds. There’s a heck of a lot more healing he needs himself, because the world really does still need him, and he’s run from that for far too long now.

He even threw out what a lot of people consider an insulting line as he left, “Thanks for the redemption arc.” I took that as 100% sarcasm, because he hasn’t redeemed shit yet. :P Sure, he redeemed himself from what Asmodeus had reduced him to, but he still hasn’t redeemed himself in the wider world yet.

As he said in response to Sam saying they needed his help to save the world from AU Michael, once before Gabriel had placed his bets on SAM saving the world, and SAM did save the world that time. But the idiotic thing is it shouldn’t be all on SAM (or Dean, or Cas) to shoulder the entire burden of saving the world again. Sure, Gabriel doesn’t think it should be on himself, either, but sheesh, at least TFW is TRYING.

Which also brings me to Dean’s truth he spilled to Ketch in the AU, which immediately reminded me of Cain’s words to Dean in 9.11– Ketch essentially said the difference between him and Dean was that Dean had tried to save his loved ones, just as Cain once questioned Dean as to why he’d tried to SAVE his brother rather than killing him. Because Ketch is also in search of redemption here, attempting to wash some of the blood off his hands, for those friends he allowed to die (or shot in the head) in the name of duty instead of risking himself to do the right thing by the people he cared for. Yet another reminder of the possibility of redemption, and why I saw Ketch as more of a father parallel rather than a romantic intrigue parallel for Dean here… (I mean at one point where Ketch was examining Dean’s wound, Dean called him “Mom.” So…)

Okay I’m really getting off the point here, but all of this ties together and is important as to the use of the correct word here. :P

So, getting back to Gabriel, specifically. We saw him first with his mouth sewn shut, which Sam cut free in 13.17. When he did, Sam asked what happened to Gabriel, but Gabe didn’t answer. And in 13.18 he continued not answering, not even when Cas laid hands on him and was deliberately trying to fish information out of his head (similar to how he stripped ALL info from Donatello in 13.14, but of course he can’t even poke into Gabriel at all, let alone help heal him that way).

But Gabriel WAS in there. And he did what he could to try and tell his story without speaking aloud. We got his Enochian art project, which we didn’t see him writing, returning after it was already written to find him huddling on the floor again. But at least Cas was able to read it, and it gave him some understanding that not only was Gabriel still in there, but what had happened to Gabriel since 5.19.

This isn’t even counting the parts of the wall that fans have deciphered and literally found “proof of identity” via bible verses about the archangel Gabriel. But Cas’s first assessment of the writing was, “This is his story.” It was Gabriel using his words without  _really_  using his words, because even the story as Cas related it kinda… left out some important bits.

At one point, Sam and Cas even postulated that he might be DELIBERATELY not speaking, believing it was “safer” to stay silent. This seems to be literally true, because Asmodeus had been trying to “sense” Gabriel via his grace– which Asmo grossly said made them “blood brothers.” Because ewwwww. Anyway, it’s not clear if it was Gabriel speaking aloud or the “proof of identity” given through the blue flash of grace in his eyes, because both happened within seconds of each other before cutting back to Asmodeus declaring “there you are.”

But either way, Gabriel conveyed a lot through this simple statement:

**Gabriel:**  Porn stars. They were porn stars, Sam.

Not just clarifying the part of his story that Sam got wrong, not only clarifying that he’s still all in there with all his memories intact, but also that he knows exactly who Sam is. Because just like Sam misidentifying the porn stars as hookers in his little speech, Sam and Gabriel both have some issues with seeing the reality of their individual relationships and similarities with their respective fathers.

I made a post last night (I think? Maybe I just thought about making it… [no wait I stuck it all in tags](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172880883245)) about just how… disingenuous isn’t exactly the right word, because I think Sam honestly has convinced himself that it’s true, so possibly deluded but that sounds too harsh as well… gah. We know Sam hasn’t been using his words either, especially after his conversation with Rowena in 13.12 about how traumatized he still is regarding what Lucifer has done to him. At the very least, there’s a disconnect happening here, which Gabriel lampshaded by confirming he was acting  _exactly_  like his own father by abandoning the world to its fate. 

**Castiel:**  No. You cannot turn your back on your Father’s creation.  
 **Gabriel:** Castiel… My Father turned His back on His creation. Guess it just runs in the family.

So I know like half of this has to do with identity and seeing oneself honestly, but it all ties back to the theme of speaking the truth to heal oneself.

And this is definitely the sort of parallel all of TFW need right now. Sam welcomed Gabriel to “the team,” i.e. Team Free Will, and Gabriel rejected it while being as brutally honest as he ever was. With him gone, TFW’s hope went with it. But TFW also needs to poke a little deeper into their own wounds before they’ll be ready to speak some real truths.

Thank heck we know he’ll be back, and hopefully he’ll be able to bring some more healing truths to the surface.

[spn 13.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.18) [using your words](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/using-your-words) [gabriel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/gabriel) [the fisher king](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-fisher-king) [sam vs reality](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-vs-reality)[andimeantittosting](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/andimeantittosting)


	8. Chapter 8

[Apr 7, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/172703158515/was-there-any-significance-to-dean-making-all-of)

20 notes

**Anonymous asked: Was there any significance to Dean making all of those molotovs and then not even getting to use them?**

HECK. You know… we know Dean likes things that go boom. Hello, grenadebaiting! 

And we don’t know how many molotovs he made before he was interrupted and *whoopsie* kidnapped to be used as the host for a tentacle abomination from outer space.

Then again, he made those “bombs” when he thought the enemy was the Creepy Robe Brigade. They probably would’ve worked against the humans. But the humans weren’t actually the enemy here. The real monster wasn’t “disguised” in a creepy robe, but in the guise of the “innocent” looking human girl.

And I doubt a kitchen chemical molotov would’ve put a dent in Yokoth, since Sam shooting her didn’t so much as slow her down.

So it’s probably for the best Dean didn’t get to deploy any of those booms.

Isn’t it incredible that even “who is the bad guy” is now a part of the whole “things that look like other things” theme now.

[spn 13.17](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.17) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [things that look like other things](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/things-that-look-like-other-things) [the tropes are hungry](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-tropes-are-hungry) [and the themes are expanding to swallow the entire narrative structure :P](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-the-themes-are-expanding-to-swallow-the-entire-narrative-structure-%3AP)

 

[Mar 5, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/171573472140/ruby-and-anael-two-non-human-females-manipulating)

18 notes

**[rionaofblue](http://rionaofblue.tumblr.com/) asked: Ruby and Anael, two non-human females manipulating other men using sex or something similar. Has there ever been a male variation?**

Hi there! And yeah, there has… sometimes it’s not as overt when a male-presenting character is the one doing the manipulating/seducing, because there’s double-standards. I mean, a seductress/femme fatale is often given more leeway before folks shout SKEEVY PERVERT ALERT!

But first off, since people have been critical of this particular theme and the way it’s been used in Supernatural for years, there’s a few things I feel compelled to say here before I provide some examples. Yes,[ I know wikipedia is a terrible source, but for this purpose, it’s incredibly efficient](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fen.wikipedia.org%2Fwiki%2FHorror_fiction&t=MGM4NDA4ODViZmM1NDc3ZWQ1MzdlNTVjNDI2Zjc2M2FlNDM5ODQ4Yyw5cWhyWEZVQg%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F171573472140%2Fruby-and-anael-two-non-human-females-manipulating&m=1). Supernatural is primarily a HORROR show. Some of the underlying foundations of the horror genre are these exact themes of forbidden sexuality, a threat to what is “pure.” It’s SUPPOSED to be horrifying.

> Horror is a genre of fiction which is intended to, or has the capacity to frighten, scare, disgust, or startle its readers or viewers by inducing feelings of horror and terror. Literary historian J. A. Cuddon has defined the horror story as “a piece of fiction in prose of variable length… which shocks or even frightens the reader, or perhaps induces a feeling of repulsion or loathing”. It creates an eerie and frightening atmosphere. Horror is frequently supernatural, though it can be non-supernatural. Often the central menace of a work of horror fiction can be interpreted as a metaphor for the larger fears of a society.

So while, yes, Supernatural could demonstrate these female-coded (in the case of angels and demons who are presenting in female vessels and using female pronouns), character as being powerful without making it about sexuality,  _the fact that they do so often make it sexual is inherent to the horror genre and has been for over 150 years_.

Going back to the first handful of episodes of Supernatural, a lot of the MotW derived from popular urban legends, which are typically cautionary tales, or even morality tales. Legends such as Bloody Mary and Hook Man, which are explored in eponymous episodes of Supernatural in s1, along with the Woman in White from the pilot itself, are these sorts of morality tales.

Think also of the sorts of standing tropes in horror movies dating back… forever. Young, innocent girl dares to venture into the woods at night, and succumbs to the evil monster lurking out there, waiting to violate her purity. Or else a young innocent succumbs to their desires and as a result the horror of the movie is visited upon them. (a trope that’s been used in numerous episodes of supernatural– think:

4.05 and the dude who was killed by the “werewolf”, even using the stereotypical cheesy line typically associated with sexual manipulation of a naif:

 **RICK** : Come on, Marie, don’t change the subject. I told you what could happen to a man if he doesn’t –  
 **ANNA** - **MARIE** : Those stories aren’t true.  
 **RICK** : They are. Baby, if a man doesn’t get the stuff out of his system regularly, it can back up and cause all kinds of… medical type problems.

The trope gets up-ended in 8.18, when Krissy and Aiden only PRETEND to be a couple in order to lure in their actual target– the vampire they’re hunting.

And again, the trope gets a twist in 11.12 when Claire takes on the usual Monster Role and approaches a couple making out in a car, threatening the man with a sword and asking what he is, as if HE was the monster. And according to the previous example, the regular old human dude  _is_  often the monster, you know?

This is what horror does– it takes what should be inviolate and violates it.

Granted, I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Supernatural has always done this  _well_ , or that they couldn’t have done it  _better_ , or that sometimes it’s been used for mere audience shock value and not psychological horror, but I am saying that this is not entirely condemnable out of hand. Yes, it can be upsetting. Yes, it’s definitely not for everyone,  _but neither is the horror genre as a whole_.

So with that in mind, here’s a few male (or male-presenting) characters who’ve done some skeevy and sexually (or at least sensually) coded stuff to manipulate or seduce on Supernatural:

Characters like Azazel who made deals with teenage girls to return to them in 10 years’ time, kissed them on the mouth to seal the deal (in Mary’s case  _using her own father to do it_ ). Then he bled in their infant children’s mouths to claim them as his own… it’s just… ewww.

In 2.05 there’s overtones of sexuality in Ansem Weems’ (aka Weber’s) direct mental manipulation of Tracy:

WEBER drives onto the bridge from the last vision and pulls to a stop; TRACY is in the passenger’s seat. He runs a hand slowly up her thigh.  
 **WEBER** : I take my ladies here. They like it. Well, I mean, I like it, so … of course they do too.  
 **TRACY** : (crying) Please, I just wanna go home.  
 **WEBER** : Stop crying. (demon voice) (She does.) Hey. I get it. I see what you see in Andy, I mean, he’s a genius. Books he reads? He’s gonna be a great man someday. But he is my family, not yours. You can’t have him. You’re not gonna have anything after tonight.

Granted he didn’t plan to seduce her into sex, but into jumping to her death…

In s4, we learn about how Alastair used literal torture in hell and the promise of sweet relief to “seduce” Dean into becoming the torturer, breaking the first seal. I mean, just watch every scene between Dean and Alastair, especially in 4.16. I haven’t been able to hear “Cheek To Cheek” the same since… *shivers*

in 4.14 we meet a siren, whose stock in trade is literally seduction, who seduces Dean while presenting as male…

In s5, we meet the biggest seducer of them all, Lucifer himself, who has a habit of literally taking on the appearance of his intended vessels’ dead lovers in order to secure their consent through deception for him to literally possess their bodies. Like… yikes.

In s7, aka season How Many Dick Jokes Can We Sneak Past S&P, we witness the Rise of Dick, penetrate the innermost workings of his empire, and learn that Dick doesn’t really go in for sexual manipulation, but he’s plenty into vore… or at least… i mean… bibbing..  Leviathan, okay? They’re kinda gross. :P

Also in s7, we learn about the Alpha Vampire’s private collection of “pure” children he feeds on, as a delicacy. These children are intensely loyal to the Alpha, to the point where this conversation happens:

 **DEAN** : Wow. For a girl raised in a basement, you’re a hell of an actress.  
 **EMILY** : You were gonna hurt my daddy.  
 **ALPHA VAMPIRE** : Hmm.  
 **DEAN** : Wow. You get a trophy in Stockholm Syndrome.

So, yeah, definitely skeevy overtones there…

And that’s just through s7. I kinda lost my appetite for thinking about it anymore. But yeah, it’s not just female-presenting characters.

[i have no idea what to tag this but a good place to start is probably](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-have-no-idea-what-to-tag-this-but-a-good-place-to-start-is-probably) [nsfw text](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/nsfw-text) [the tropes are hungry](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-tropes-are-hungry) [which considering the last few subjects i this post i kinda regret using as my tropes tag now...](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/which-considering-the-last-few-subjects-i-this-post-i-kinda-regret-using-as-my-tropes-tag-now...) [kajuned](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/kajuned)

 

[Jan 5, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169354108385/if-anon-is-interested-and-also-the-flash-spoilers)

9 notes

**Anonymous asked: If anon is interested, and also the Flash spoilers ahead. Another couple I would say is found family, is Iris West and Barry Allen on the Flash. They were best friends since they were young and Iris dad ended up fostering Barry and becoming his surrogate father. They are now married.**

Oh! Well, there you go! Thanks!

(regarding [this post](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169318011050/i-feel-like-this-is-probably-something-you-have-a) from yesterday about “family” relationships becoming romantic)

(I’ve seen maybe two episodes of the Flash because Mr. Mittens watches it, and I had no idea about this relationship, so thank you!)

I think there’s probably A LOT of relationships in fiction that fit this sort of pattern, of groups of chosen family pairing off into romantic couples, of close friends who were sort of “raised together” falling in love or realizing that they’d been in love for a very long time, of the lightbulb going off all of a sudden and realizing  _hey I’m in love with my best friend_ , or even KNOWING it was love all along but feeling like it was hopeless to believe the other person could ever feel the same, or circumstance or obligation prevented them from ever confessing or acting on their feelings…

These are all tropes for a reason, you know? Because they ARE very common in fiction.

[the tropes are hungry](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-tropes-are-hungry) [the scheherazade of supernatural](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-scheherazade-of-supernatural) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

[Oct 15, 2015](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/131204396355/why-did-castiel-finally-decide-to-go-back-to-the)

280 notes

Why did Castiel finally decide to go back to the bunker (and therefore to the Winchesters) for help? He’d really run out of other options after the way the other angels treated him, and he knows he’s not going to get any help from Heaven. But he was practically begging them to just end him when they were torturing him for information.

He’d ruled out going to Sam and Dean for help in 11.01. He felt he was too dangerous, out of control, and he was trying to protect them, as much as he wasn’t sure they would even be able to find a cure for him. Then even Hannah failed to heal him of the spell. What hope did a couple of humans have against it?

Why would he go back there? Because Dean called him again. After Cas said goodbye, told Dean that he was going back to heaven, DEAN CALLED HIM AGAIN.

He knew right then that Dean was still looking for him, that Dean would help him.

Oh, and I’m sure the longing thing didn’t hurt either. But really. If Dean just needed to get information TO Cas, he’d pray. When he needs information FROM Cas, he calls. And he needed to know that Cas is okay, and that’s what did it. That changed Cas’s mind.

[spn 11.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.02) [spn s11 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-spoilers) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [all the nudging from the rest of the angels about what cas really is and who he really belongs to must be getting to him a little bit too](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/all-the-nudging-from-the-rest-of-the-angels-about-what-cas-really-is-and-who-he-really-belongs-to-must-be-getting-to-him-a-little-bit-too) [spn 11.01](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.01)

 

[May 1, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143714671530/im-a-bit-sad-because-even-if-destiel-is-all-on)

32 notes

**Anonymous asked: I'm a bit sad, because even if Destiel is all on Dean as of right now, it feels like Cas has given up. He had to carry the torch (so to speak) for so long and not getting much for it (Dean being all MoC tainted) that I wonder if he would even believe Dean as this point. I mean, he hasn't seen Dean as we have so he doesn't know the depths of Dean's concern. Meh, maybe I'm just missing Cas. He has been gone for too long. It makes me mopey.**

I’ve been missing Cas, too. Horribly. What’s been holding me over is that we know Cas can pick up on a longing. BLESS THE LONGING RETCON.

I don’t know how much, as Crowley said, Lucifer’s got Cas on lockdown inside his own head, but I’m betting he’s got the angel radio signals jammed and Cas is being shut out of all of that right now.

I think he’s not going to be able to  _ignore_  Dean’s concern as soon as he’s freed from Lucifer, you know? He’s gonna feel a veritable tsunami of concern.

I don’t know if that’ll actually be the case, but I find it cheering to imagine. :)

[spn s11 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-speculation) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[May 2, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143742634850/is-lucifer-getting-deans-prayer-along-with-cas-i)

1,451 notes

**Anonymous asked: Is Lucifer getting Dean's prayer along with Cas? I love unwilling third wheel!Luci so much for some reason. He deserves to suffer :P**

[charlie-minion](http://charlie-minion.tumblr.com/post/143732327787/is-lucifer-getting-deans-prayer-along-with-cas-i):

> [elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/143731960648/is-lucifer-getting-deans-prayer-along-with-cas-i):
>
>> This is my favourite headcanon and no one is going to take it away from me.
>> 
>> I mean on the one hand I feel bad about the privacy violation but on the other, it’s now firmly established fanon that Dean’s longing can be heard by Cas anyway and I think we have enough evidence to say Dean’s been longing 24/7 since he found out, AND he’s got to be lobbing reassuring prayers at Cas whenever he has some down time or feels stuck on the research, so at first, like, right after Cas gets possessed, Lucifer is just like “Oh this is cute, he’s worried about you” 
>> 
>> and then three days later it’s like “does he ever STOP worrying about you?”
>> 
>> then “Castiel, your annoying little human pet is in the same ROOM as us why is he STILL praying?”
>> 
>> “Cas, this isn’t funny any more I’m going to fly over there and break up with him for you if he doesn’t stop soon”
>> 
>> “How can it be even worse how he knows you’re off the market and taken by me? I should have killed him when I had the chance!”
>> 
>> “Castiel, your boyfriend is praying to you  _while watching a wrestling match_. Cut your losses with this dudebro. Friendly advice.”
>> 
>> “What if I started texting him back every time he did it? That might shut him up.”
>> 
>> “Cas I swear to Dad he just prayed to you while writing a shopping list. I say we let Amara eat him just for some peace and quiet up in here.”
>> 
>> “Castiel, you know what, I am actually starting to feel some grudging respect for what you put up with if it’s like this all the time.”
>> 
>> “Oh for fuck’s sake, he STILL at it, NOW, while talking to YOU - I can’t take it any more!”
>> 
>> [Originally posted by love-from-221b](https://tmblr.co/ZhrCSo24ho7tp)
>> 
>> “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE DEAN WINCHESTER?”
> 
> Omg A+ gif use. Headcanon accepted! 😅

Why do you think Luci was so grumpy and ready to fight Crowley when he showed up? He’d JUST gotten Cas to the point where he wasn’t ALSO providing a running commentary. It takes a lot of mojo to redirect the Dean Winchester Channel so it’s not reaching Cas, but it’s worth it so he doesn’t have the both of them yammering at him 24/7.

“I said yes to you so we could defeat Amara, Lucifer. If we do that, you can leave and won’t have to subject yourself to Dean’s longing anymore.”

“Maybe sitting on your ass playing Angry Birds isn’t the best use of your time, Lucifer.” “BUT IT SHUTS OUT DEAN’S NAGGING VOICE FOR JUST A FEW MINUTES.”

“I think this might be worse than being locked in the cage with Michael. At least Michael shut up once in a while.”

“It’s so distracting it’s knocking me off my game, Castiel. I came THIS CLOSE to accidentally letting CROWLEY smite me, for Dad’s sake!”

Now, while in Amara’s care and being tortured:

“Uh, Cas? Buddy? Pal? Uh…. you figured out how to make this longing thing work in reverse? Maybe use it to text GPS coordinates to your boyfriend to ask for a little bit of a rescue? Because Dad’s not answering the big red phone and those Winchesters might come in handy right about now…”

[spn 11.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.19) [spn s11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11) [spn crack](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-crack) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [i know cas is having a really bad time in there right now but these sorts of headcanons keep me from sobbing about it 24/7](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-know-cas-is-having-a-really-bad-time-in-there-right-now-but-these-sorts-of-headcanons-keep-me-from-sobbing-about-it-24%2F7) [so i appreciate them IMMENSELY](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/so-i-appreciate-them-IMMENSELY)

 

[May 22, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/144761720040/does-this-mean-that-dean-isnt-longing-for)

90 notes

**Anonymous asked: Does this mean that Dean isn't 'longing' for Amara, or can Amara only pick up on conscious prayers and not longing? Was Dean praying to Cas during 11x21?!**

[elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/144744765913/does-this-mean-that-dean-isnt-longing-for):

> Re this:
> 
> <http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/144727131763/mostly-for-filing-purposes-in-my-longing-retcon>
> 
> *squints suspiciously at 2am!Lizzy from the perspective of brainless morning-zombie!Lizzy who has not finished her coffee and hates 2am!Lizzy for not going to bed after watching 11x08 like she originally planned*
> 
> I think the most important thing here is that the longing retcon is not about prayer or love or whatever…
> 
> it’s a hasty excuse to use those things as GPS.
> 
> I guess the main conceit of the longing retcon when we were jokingly applying it to Dean last year was that he was just longing all the time, and that’s how Cas managed to keep finding him, or we were making tragic headcanons about how Cas could feel Dean’s longing even at all the worst times… 
> 
> So this year anyone [who got too overly invested in the retcon](http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/tagged/pining-not-praying/chrono) (says someone who totally didn’t kick off the No Homo Intern thing because of it) has had a bit of a wild ride, when we go from 11x06 using the same mechanics (aka wordless prayer as a beacon so we know she CAN pick up on longing directed her way just as Cas can) “pining for somebody else” (I had been using “pining” as my “longing” tag for just over a year at that point for the sake of alliteration only, so I got some shrieking in my inbox for that :P After that it went from a cracky tragic headcanon tag to a serious meta tag about Dean and Amara’s connection vs the Destiel pining), but there was this awful feeling it was all gonna be Amara and the potential for Destiel pining was going to stay as vague as it had been when we only knew about this mechanic because of Cas talking to  _Claire_  about it. 
> 
> And then 11x13 went ahead and laid out some more of the mechanics of how Dean is affected by Amara: short range only, physical presence required (she finds him when they’re in the same town and started off close-by in 11x06 where he didn’t seem to notice her, and 11x09 where she was probably within 100m of him the whole time, much older and more powerful, and he did sense her), otherwise he’s completely and utterly freaked out by her and their connection (11x11 starts this off with him telling Casifer about it but with Lucifer being very unhelpful with his “attraction?? LOL LOL LOL” moment so we don’t get the full exploration of it because Dean is busy making sad confused eyes at “Cas” - also re-watching THAT scene made the one around the Bunker table where Lucifer is like “your GIRLFRIEND remember? LOOOLLLL” more obvious to me (I have no idea why I hear Lucifer typing “LOL” when he talks but I do)) 
> 
> Anyway we can take him at face value that within a couple of episodes of being told he’s pining he explains how he’s not pining for Amara, and then after that he gets the horrible news about Casifer. So he spends the next… 8? episodes blatantly worrying about Cas on screen as his motivation and implied preferred choice of pastime between episodes, which I’d file as “pining” just on principle even if we didn’t have these odd mechanics about prayers going on.
> 
> I was just expecting these mechanics to stay largely out of the way, but then our VALIANT ATTEMPTS to keep this all cracky headcanon got blown out of the water:
> 
> <http://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/post/144373508029/is-lucifer-getting-deans-prayer-along-with-cas-i>
> 
> (Okay there’s probably a more serious post about 11x21 and Amara reaching out to Dean seemingly via Cas while he’s still desperately searching for Amara for the sake of finding Cas as per everything we knew about his motivations from the previous 7 or 8 episodes of visible on-screen pining)
> 
> <http://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/144664418288/for-those-destiel-fans-that-felt-disheartened-by>
> 
> And Donatello ended up in 11x21 and 11x22 only being used as fancy GPS as his main purpose in the narrative.
> 
> I mean my tags on the original post that there’s plausible deniability is because this comes from directing choices (11x21′s use of Amara ~following the pining~ from Cas’s heart - in the “main text” Dean grumpily asks where Amara is moments before she appears to him but we can assume at this point Dean was at 100% pining capacity non-stop between 11x14 > 11x22), plot holes (if you don’t account for pining, she should already have known exactly where the Bunker was, so why was it different between contacting Dean (via Cas) and trying to physically get there? This show is not exactly watertight though - they literally switched the birth order of the archangels for plot convenience), throw away comments dating back to 10x10 that no one might remember (unless they DO) or whatever. 
> 
> But between previously established lore on Amara (and it seems from watching the first 11 episodes in one day, that the writers all had a very set book on who Amara was: her dialogue about what’s happened to her and what she wants to do rings true across the season for example), jokes about Dean pining taken way too seriously, and the surprise that after all that, at no point in the season has Dean ever pined hard enough for Amara (11x11′s final scene for example was suggested as being about Amara and would have been a ton of confused angry pining for her beamed directly from his bedroom in that case) that she could locate the Bunker, and she had to resort to tracking down someone else who had been there to find out where it was (as God’s last known location rather than where Dean was, as her motivation) and get in…
> 
> The author is dead (or dying anyway :P), long live the Longing Retcon 

 

I even tried to play “devil’s advocate” with this in an attempt to find ANY other explanation for her inability to pinpoint Dean this season. I failed, but here was the logic train I followed right over the cliff:

When Amara finally did appear inside the bunker, it was only after burning through a number of warding sigils. We know that even Charlie could only narrow down their location to a 20 mile radius by tracking their cell phone signals, implying that the bunker’s warding was co intricate and advanced that even technology developed DECADES after it was originally abandoned STILL failed to function properly WITHIN A 20 MILE RADIUS OF THE PLACE. Pretty secure, magically and otherwise.

I’ve already assumed that the only reason the Styne family were able to breach the place was because they physically stole Dean’s keys from him while they held him prisoner. There was no other way through the outside door (which is up a spiral staircase from the door at the top of the stairs that they kicked down in 10.22. That was NOT the secure outer door, as demonstrated by Charlie in 9.04 after she killed the Wicked Witch and slammed the door to Oz shut). And we know that someone probably gave Cas a key, so that explains how Lucifer managed to get inside in 11.11, and in 11.14 after getting doinked off the side of the sub. We saw him boop OUT of the bunker, but never IN to the bunker. So we know the place is PHYSICALLY secure.

But while Dean’s spent a significant amount of his time pining inside the bunker where Amara technically might not have been able to locate him, oh gosh has he been sloppily pining all over the midwest.

One of the most significant things to me was when Amara said, right after eating Donatello’s soul and asking where they were, she specifically said “Kansas,” as if she hadn’t even managed to narrow it down to the entire STATE, let alone the “20 mile radius” around the bunker that Charlie had been able to hone in on. [Draw a 20 mile radius](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.freemaptools.com%2Fradius-around-point.htm&t=ODc3ZjljNTZlMzczNjdmN2UxYWQ3NTJmZDAwNDI1Zjc2Njg0YTNlYixPdnlaRmN5TA%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F144761720040%2Fdoes-this-mean-that-dean-isnt-longing-for&m=1) around Lebanon, and like 85% of it is in Kansas. Everything above that dotted line is Nebraska.

So theoretically if Dean was pining for her, she could’ve at least narrowed it down this far. Not to mention that Dean has spent a significant amount of time OUTSIDE that bubble, even since the end of 11.20 when he met up with Chuck again. He’s been to Fall River to meet with Crowley, and Oklahoma to the warehouse they eventually met with Amara (and Chuck specifically said that it was HIMSELF that he’d warded to prevent her finding them there). He was in Hope Springs investigating the deadly fog, which Amara had apparently been creating in random towns all across the country in order to DRAW DEAN OUT so she could send him this specific message. She’d failed to reach him in any other way, so it’s like she picked towns at random hoping he’d go investigate. Just the same way she tried to draw God out by killing random people, she tried to do the same with Dean.

Why? Because all her other attempts to locate Dean had failed.

When Dean SPECIFICALLY tried to lure her out, acting as bait to give Sam and the others a chance to save Lucifer (and by Lucifer I mean Cas), he had to drive (or get booped by Chuck, I assume), to some Random Old Growth Redwood Forest (and trust me there’s NOTHING like that anywhere in the middle 1/3 of the U.S.) and then deliberately call her there (through prayer or something, we’re led to believe). He was pacing around the forest waiting for her, having had to first summon her there. She didn’t sense him and immediately pounce. Just like she still had to use the link through Cas to send the hologram of herself to Dean in the police station where they’d first met Donatello. She still couldn’t sense where DEAN was, just use the link through Cas like a phone line to talk to him.

Yeah, I spend way too much time thinking about this show. Sue me.

[spn s11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11) [who is amara?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/who-is-amara%3F) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining)

 

[Jun 2, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145334659115/dean-is-totally-gonna-have-a-heart-attack-when-he)

46 notes

**Anonymous asked: Dean is totally gonna have a heart attack when he learns that Cas can sense longing. Dean seems to be under the impression that prayers are like phone calls, that you can't signal something without meaning to. Now I think prayer longings are more like GPS than transmitter of feelings, but Dean's not gonna think that when he hears the word 'longing'. That word is loaded with connotations. Dean's gonna think of himself 'drunk dialing' Cas without meaning to and that reaction, I wanna see ;)**

I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Maybe Dean won’t pray in the traditional sense to Cas, because once Dean gets over the complete discombobulation and shock of watching Amara and Chuck do their mind meld thing or whatever, immediately followed by being zapped into the middle of the dark woods ~somewhere currently unknown~, AND THEN IF THAT WEREN’T DISORIENTING ENOUGH he stumbles across his mom standing in a clearing wearing her ceiling nightgown…

Okay, so just as soon as they figure out what the heckeroo’s going on and start heading toward civilization and a cell phone signal, Dean’s phone will ring, and it’ll be Cas, saying, DEAN YOU’RE ALIVE! I FELT YOUR PRAYERS AND I’VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU. WHERE ARE YOU?!

And then Dean’ll be like, WAIT WAS I PRAYING?! I MEAN THINGS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE NUTS LIKE I FOUND MY MOM IN THE WOODS AND I GUESS I WAS THINKING HOW MUCH I WANT YOU TO MEET HER, AND SAMMY’S GONNA BE FREAKED BUT DID I PRAY THAT?!

Cas stutters and gropes around for an appropriate way to describe it, “It was more like a… longing?”

Then dean glances over at Mary walking beside him down the side of the road, and there’s nowhere to really go so that she won’t overhear, and he decides it’s not really urgent to deal with his  _longings_  right now, since they’d really like a ride and Mary needs some shoes. And probably some pants and whatever.

“Can you have Sammy come pick us up?”

“Um, about that,” Cas says. “I’m not sure where he is. I’m not sure where  _I_  am, for that matter.”

and then the explanations start..,

[spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation) [oh dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-dean) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [mary f. winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/mary-f.-winchester) [that would probably be the best time to break it to dean tbh](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-would-probably-be-the-best-time-to-break-it-to-dean-tbh) [over the phone when he's already in a state of wtf](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/over-the-phone-when-he%27s-already-in-a-state-of-wtf) [with more immediate needs that have to be dealt with to give him time to let it settle in](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/with-more-immediate-needs-that-have-to-be-dealt-with-to-give-him-time-to-let-it-settle-in) [so he can get used to it before cas has to face him for that talk](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/so-he-can-get-used-to-it-before-cas-has-to-face-him-for-that-talk) [anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/anonymous)

 

[Jun 4, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145419859385/omc-thats-true-since-its-likely-cas-still)

11 notes

**Anonymous asked: OMC, that's true! Since it's likely Cas still can't fly yet (though his wings should be healed soon, I hope) Cas would eventually feel Dean's longing from wherever Toni zapped him to and he'll call Dean once he has the chance. I still can't wait for next season!!!**

Hi there! I have no idea which post this is referring to… I’ve written and reblobbed a bunch of different headcanons (of varying degrees of crackiness) about the longing ([but maybe you mean this one](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/145334659115/dean-is-totally-gonna-have-a-heart-attack-when-he)?)

AND I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE!

Sam’s probably gonna be praying all businesslike, giving Cas a running commentary on everything that’s happening, because Sam’s just practical like that.

And of course Dean has no idea that anything’s wrong back at home. He’s just relieved to be alive at first.

And I’m wondering if Dean HASN’T already been longing to tell Cas he’s alive, but maybe Cas just think’s it’s Dean’s usual low-level “feelings” he’s always shoving in Cas’s direction anyway, and maybe he’s just broadcasting it from Heaven now… O_O

But then Dean gets his bearings and sends out a proper prayer, like, “SURPRISE CAS, I HOPE YOU’RE SITTING DOWN BECAUSE I’M NOT DEAD! NOW GET UP OFF YOUR FEATHERY ASS AND COME PICK US UP.”

[spn s12 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-speculation) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [sam fucking winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-fucking-winchester) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Sep 20, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150702336320/why-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is)

395 notes

**Anonymous asked: Why do we think Mildred saying Dean is pining is talking about Cas? Isn't it referring to Amara in the larger text of the show?**

[flyingfish1](http://flyingfish1.tumblr.com/post/150700201238/why-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is):

> [deathbycoldopen](http://deathbycoldopen.tumblr.com/post/150698487897/why-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is):
>
>> [frecklesandfeathers](http://frecklesandfeathers.tumblr.com/post/150697254214/why-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is):
>>
>>> [mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/150696919830/why-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is):
>>>
>>>> Hi there! Um, well, I’ve kinda written [a bunch of stuff on this subject in the past](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean%2Famara%20\(i%20guess%20i%20should%20tag%20that%20but%20i%20only%20post%20stuff%20that%20disproves%20it%20so...\)), but to sum it up really quickly, have [Dean’s own words on the subject](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.supernaturalwiki.com%2Findex.php%3Ftitle%3D11.13_Love_Hurts&t=YmQwMDkzNzA0MjQ5MGFkMTQ1YTA1YjI5N2M5MDI1NGY1Mjk0OWJlOSw5a05QU013UA%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F150702336320%2Fwhy-do-we-think-mildred-saying-dean-is-pining-is&m=1):
>>>>
>>>>> Dean: Standing here right now? Every bone in my body wants to run her through, send her back to that hole she crawled out of. But when I’m near her… I don’t know – something happens. I can’t explain it. But to call it desire or love – it’s not that. I’m screwed, man. We want to kill the Darkness. We need to kill the Darkness. And I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to you, you know? But when it comes down to it…
>>>> 
>>>> You pine for someone you  _want_  to be near. You pine for someone your heart yearns for. Pining is not a forced or unwanted compulsion. By the very definition of the word, Dean was not pining for Amara.
>>>> 
>>>> Right after 11.11 aired, I pointedly asked Mr. Mittens who he thought Dean could be pining for, and he was at a loss. I mentioned that there was some discussion if the person he was pining for could be Amara. His response was something to the effect of  _Oh god, no,_ complete with the look of aghast horror on his face.
>>>> 
>>>> So no, the pining line was never referring to Amara, even in the “larger text” of the show. Even Casual Viewer Man realized that much.
>>> 
>>> I agree, it was never Amara. Not only does Dean spell it out in the Valentine’s Day episode, but I think it was spelled out in Into the Mystic as well, when Mildred said to FOLLOW YOUR HEART twice to him, and we all know there was no Amara in his heart. 
>>> 
>>> There isn’t really anyone else this could have been pointing to other than the obvious. Cas. 
>>> 
>>> I also wrote a [thing](http://frecklesandfeathers.tumblr.com/post/138218419319/thoughts-on-into-the-mystic-spn-11x11) on the ep about how in the end, when Dean was restless in bed, he looks like he’s about to speak out loud. To talk. You can see it very clearly that he is on the brink of saying something, while he’s alone in his room…. in the middle of the night. So honestly, who else would he be “speaking to” while he’s by himself? Other than Cas?
>>> 
>>>   
> 
>> 
>> EXCELLENT.
>> 
>> But yeah, there was definitely this trend in the earlier parts of the season that were teasing that maybe Dean DID want to be near Amara, and it was sort of playing with what it means to be drawn to someone against your will, how you can still have this temptation (of nothingness and calm in this case) and attraction but still not want any of what it implies. So I think in 11x11 we were supposed to immediately jump to Amara, based on Lucifer’s remark about attraction, and just as quickly see all the ways that doesn’t fit. There’s a very definite dissonance between Mildred’s words and the reality of Dean’s situation. The resolution to that dissonance is, of course, that Dean “following his heart” doesn’t mean heading toward Amara, it’s toward someone else.
>> 
>> It’s not said directly in the text who that might be, but. Well. The only person Dean has an honest (on his side) and open conversation with in that whole episode is with (Lucifer) Cas.
> 
> Yes, this! Mildred encourages Dean to “follow his heart” to the person he’s pining for, but she also tells him that following his heart is “the secret to living a long and happy life.” If he “followed his heart” to Amara, a long and happy life is the very last thing he’d get. Amara isn’t  _life_ , Amara is death and nothingness and the loss of self.
> 
> I think the surface interpretation is that he’s pining for her, but I also think the surface interpretation is demonstrably wrong. It’s acting as something of a smoke screen.

I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS BAR. Yes. Good. Thank y’all. :D

[spn 11.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.11) [spn 11.13](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.13) [dean/amara (i guess i should tag that but i only post stuff that disproves it so...)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean%2Famara-%28i-guess-i-should-tag-that-but-i-only-post-stuff-that-disproves-it-so...%29) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [which is my pining tag fwiw](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/which-is-my-pining-tag-fwiw) [follow your heart dean](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/follow-your-heart-dean)

[oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [spn s11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11) [spn 11.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.11) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [dean/amara (i guess i should tag that but i only post stuff that disproves it so...)](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/dean%2Famara-%28i-guess-i-should-tag-that-but-i-only-post-stuff-that-disproves-it-so...%29) [casual viewer stories with mr mittens](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/casual-viewer-stories-with-mr-mittens) [yeah this was one of those times i was super proud of mr mittens for reading the text correctly](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yeah-this-was-one-of-those-times-i-was-super-proud-of-mr-mittens-for-reading-the-text-correctly) [even if he couldn't follow through and get what the actual pining was referring to ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/even-if-he-couldn%27t-follow-through-and-get-what-the-actual-pining-was-referring-to-%C2%AF%5C_%28%E3%83%84%29_%2F%C2%AF) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Oct 25, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152297147815/what-if-dean-and-cass-silent-conversation-by)

510 notes

What if Dean and Cas’s silent conversation by Cas’s truck went so smoothly because Cas picked up on Dean’s prayer? Like, maybe half the reason they’re getting better at communicating is because Cas is paying closer attention to the likely ongoing commentary in prayer format he picks up from Dean, like,  _constantly_.

(boy’s longing so hard even Mildred picked up on it, you know? that’s gotta be overwhelming to deal with when it’s hitting you nonstop– especially when the unspoken agreement between them is  _we don’t talk about it_ )

But not only that, now that Dean’s opening up  _to him, with actual words out loud_ , Cas sees all that emotional blah blah blah Dean’s always pushing at him in a new way. It’s no longer just a bunch of stuff that Dean’s uncomfortable with, or isn’t willing to  _really_  address.

Dean’s not constantly pushing all of these things down anymore, and in fact is asking for Cas’s input. There’s no more “personal space,” “stay out of my head,” “we don’t talk about it” sorts of denials or discomfort.

Some of the walls they’ve both put up are beginning to come down.

And yeah, even if it really was just communicated entirely through a couple of glances and there wasn’t any sort of silent prayer happening there, it still happened incredibly smoothly, in a way we have never seen before. And that in itself is beautiful.

[spn 12.02](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.02) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor)

 

[Nov 8, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/152920017175/so-we-know-cas-can-sense-longing-and-lucifer-is)

57 notes

**Anonymous asked: So we know Cas can sense longing... and Lucifer is gone from his body and Dean seems to have been pining for Cas... so... why hasn't Cas acknowledged Dean's longing? Is he just not longing anymore? Does the longing make Cas feel uncomfortable in his current mental state? It's probably fine and it's early but I hope they didn't drop the plot point.**

This, my friend, is one of those situations that can be most effectively summed up in a reaction gif:

Well, maybe not entirely, but yeah. We took that one comment from Cas, possibly just some ~magical plot device~ to explain how Cas was able to find Claire that one time, and slammed the IT’S CANON button harder than we ever have for any other thing ever in the history of the show, because damn… It’s just…

And it’s not like the show hasn’t been pounding the fact that Dean’s longing for someone (you know, for something more with someone, maybe someone who understands the life…). And we’ve all just been casually pointing back to that one line again and again and again.

But at what point do we just throw up our hands and wonder that if Cas can feel all this longing but has never  _done_ anything about it, well… why the heckeroo not?

If Cas truly can feel longing– and we know Dean actively prays to Cas on top of all this longing– but if Dean’s been longing long and hard enough for Mildred– a woman he’d known for all of two days– could pick up on it, then what the heck’s wrong with Cas’s longing detectors?

*Oh gosh I used em dashes twice in one sentence. THE DESTIEL HAS CAUSED ME TO COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST GRAMMAR AGAIN. I’m sorry, grammar. My Strong Feelings have gotten the better of me once again.*

I’d like to put forth this theory. Cas  _really knows_  Dean. And despite projecting a metric fuckton of longing in Castiel’s general direction for the last umptydump number of years, Cas also understands that Dean is a walking contradiction.

Oh, Cas. It’s true.

He knows that Dean doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, even when they’re as obvious as a forest fire. He knows how Dean thinks of himself, because Cas can relate. He has just about the same level of self-esteem that Dean does. I imagine that right along with all that longing, Dean’s also sending a metric fuckton of self-loathing and denial and repression. And it’s probably confusing as hell to Cas, and something he respects Dean enough not to poke at. At least for now.

Because over the last few seasons, and especially over s11, Dean has been changing. He’s been opening up more, using his words, and confiding in Cas in ways he never has before.

Plus, Cas has his own mountain of issues to conquer as well. He gets that Dean wants to have him around (because that longing just doesn’t quit, there’s really no other explanation for it), but much like Dean always has, Cas has also felt unworthy of those kinds of feelings. In a lot of ways, Cas is still in that, “I will find a way to redeem myself to you” mentality he was in at the end of 7.01 right before the Leviathans took over and exploded him in a lake.

Sorry I just rewatched that episode yesterday and I’m still mildly traumatized. :P

I’m clinging wildly to the Longing Retcon by presuming that Cas knows, and that they’re both working through their individual issues now to remove those barriers. All those terrible feelings of worthlessness, the feeling that they don’t deserve to have their feelings reciprocated.

And in the meantime,

Because this has been the longest, slowest burn, most drawn out love story in the history of love stories, and I can see what they’re doing there, and it’s slowly killing me, but goshdiddlydarnfuckdammit they better damn well keep going there, I can’t help it. I have to feel this way.

  
[the destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-destiel) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [i have no idea what happened here but it's still pretty accurate even for the trash heap circus](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-have-no-idea-what-happened-here-but-it%27s-still-pretty-accurate-even-for-the-trash-heap-circus) [it resembles on the surface i swear it makes sense](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it-resembles-on-the-surface-i-swear-it-makes-sense) [oddly enough i was answering ao3 comments last night and someone asked something](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oddly-enough-i-was-answering-ao3-comments-last-night-and-someone-asked-something) [about Project Beyonce wondering why nobody stepped forward and said anything sooner](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/about-Project-Beyonce-wondering-why-nobody-stepped-forward-and-said-anything-sooner) [they were asking about Sam and why he wouldn't have just asked cas point blank if he was human-bee-ing](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/they-were-asking-about-Sam-and-why-he-wouldn%27t-have-just-asked-cas-point-blank-if-he-was-human-bee-ing) [and how cas could live in silence for a YEAR knowing dean's identity but never saying anything to him](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-how-cas-could-live-in-silence-for-a-YEAR-knowing-dean%27s-identity-but-never-saying-anything-to-him) [but basically it boils down to THIS ^^ because despite their obvious feelings](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-basically-it-boils-down-to-THIS-%5E%5E-because-despite-their-obvious-feelings) [what if they put themselves out there and feelings be damned](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/what-if-they-put-themselves-out-there-and-feelings-be-damned) [they can't accept the reality of those feelings?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/they-can%27t-accept-the-reality-of-those-feelings%3F)[that is A LOT to put on the line for both of them and it's one thing to have an idle fantasy](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/that-is-A-LOT-to-put-on-the-line-for-both-of-them-and-it%27s-one-thing-to-have-an-idle-fantasy) [and another thing entirely to put it all at risk only to be shot down in the worst possible way you know?](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/and-another-thing-entirely-to-put-it-all-at-risk-only-to-be-shot-down-in-the-worst-possible-way-you-know%3F) [but they're slowly getting there i swear we are not making this up](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-they%27re-slowly-getting-there-i-swear-we-are-not-making-this-up) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Dec 10, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/154305013780/hello-im-a-big-fan-of-your-blog-im-just)

30 notes

**[spacecomrades](http://spacecomrades.tumblr.com/) asked: Hello! I'm a big fan of your blog! I'm just getting back into the spn fandom and I'm finding myself dying to talk to someone about it but not having any friends that watch, so I love to read the discussions that happen here! I was wondering do you think Sam and dean's incarceration will have any lasting impact or do you think it will just be resolved and never mentioned again? Also the image of cas in the bunker in promo like I need fic I agree with everyone whose saying dean is praying 2 him!**

Aw, thank you! And yeah, everyone I talk to on the regular online here I sort of met through the fandom. Most of my IRL friends aren’t big fans of the show.

(well I have a few friends who watch real casually, and a couple who want us all to make one big gishwhes team next year, with me as leader since I have “experience” doing it… four times… O_O)

I love my online fandom family. :)

As to your question, yeah I don’t think there’s any way this won’t have a lasting effect on both of them (all of them, really, including Cas and Mary).

This is so incredible to me, though, because they’ve both been trapped in Hell. Dean spent a year trapped in Purgatory (Cas even longer). While we’ve seen them imprisoned a couple of times in regular old prisons, they’ve always managed to escape pretty easily. In 2.18 they went in on purpose with an escape route in place.

I guess the closest they ever got to the situation they’re currently in was 3.12, and Dean was only four episodes away from his big dive into the pit anyway. I don’t think the hellhounds would’ve stopped at the prison walls and turned around with their tails between their legs.

I’ll tell you what I really want from 12.09: someone to ask Sam and Dean some Serious Questions. Like, how have you eluded justice all these years? You don’t even technically exist.

(it’s long been my headcanon that SOMEONE is wiping their records out of police databases on a continuous basis. Chuck maybe? I mean if he’s gonna bother to keep resurrecting all of them, you think he’d at least make it easier for them to retain their freedom to keep impersonating Federal Agents. It’s only polite. :P)

But either way, yeah. I think the boys being imprisoned like this for really the first time is definitely gonna stick with them.

I say “first time,” because it’s really the first time when they had no other pressing business out in the world. They just caught Lucifer. It was one of their most winning moments of all time. None of them were possessed, mind controlled, injured, had a hell-deal hanging over their heads… I mean if they’d only run out that door with Cas and Kelly they would’ve been FREE.

But they’re not.

That’s gotta have consequences and a long-term effect.

And really, if Dean ISN’T praying to Cas on a continuous basis Imma start screaming and not stop for a week. He even managed to pray to Cas every night in PURGATORY. When he was engaged in 360 degree battle 24/7. Locked in a 9x12 box with nothing else to do? Yeah. He damn well better be praying.

[spn 12.08](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.08) [spn 12.09](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.09) [spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [sam fucking winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/sam-fucking-winchester) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [spacecomrades](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spacecomrades)

 

[Jan 7, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/155530083975/this-dialogue-from-the-rapture-imo-made-pretty)

16 notes

**Anonymous asked: this dialogue from the rapture imo made pretty obvious that angels can read minds, not only cas "DEAN I'm dreaming, aren't I? CASTIEL It's not safe here. Someplace more private. DEAN More private? We're inside my head. CASTIEL Exactly. Someone could be listening."**

Yeah. 4.20 was a long time ago, but it did sort of set a precedent for just how much angels can mess with human minds.

Thinking about it that way, was the longing retcon actually a retcon at all?

I mean, Cas found Dean  _in his dream_ , then gave him an address to meet him at. He tuned into Dean specifically and went to him, pretty much the same way he did with Claire in 10.10, albeit physically and not within her dream.

This is something we’ve seen numerous other angels use to their advantage, and was essentially why Cas warded Sam and Dean in 5.01, to protect Sam and Dean as much as he could from angels using this link to find them physically. Those angels were still able to find them  _in their dreams_ , like Zachariah did with Dean in 5.04. Because that was Zachariah’s best trick, really.

In 4.17, Zachariah messes with him within the framework of reality:

> Real place, real haunting. Just plunked you in the middle without the benefit of your memories. 

He tampered with Dean’s mind, laid down a fake set of memories, but Sam saw through the cracks, and then helped Dean do the same:

> SAM: Remember those dreams I told you about with the ghosts?  
> DEAN: Yeah?  
> SAM: I was fighting them.  
> DEAN: Okay.  
> SAM: With you. We were these, like, hunters, and we were friends. More like brothers, really. I mean, what if that’s who we really are? I mean, you saw us back there, working together. The ghost was scrambling people’s brains. What if it scrambled ours?  
> DEAN: That’s insane.  
> SAM: Is it? Think about it for just one second. What if we think this is our life, but it’s not?

Possibly a result of Sam’s powers overriding Zachariah’s tampering a lil bit there, or Zachariah underestimating or disregarding Sam because Dean was the one Zachariah was trying to manipulate specifically, but hey, it worked.

So really, the longing “retcon” just seems like a specific application of this same power, really. Just with a more “physical” locating system rather than pinging into someone’s dreams.

[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [all my tags for zachariah somehow involve the fact that dean stabbed him in the face pffft](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/all-my-tags-for-zachariah-somehow-involve-the-fact-that-dean-stabbed-him-in-the-face-pffft) [spn 4.17](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.17) [spn 5.04](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-5.04) [spn 4.20](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-4.20) [spn 10.10](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-10.10) [angels and souls](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/angels-and-souls)

 

[Apr 13, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159549613740/was-it-just-me-or-did-it-seem-like-dean-was)

39 notes

**Anonymous asked: Was it just me or did it seem like dean was leaning pretty heavily on the performing dean shtick in tonight's episode? LOVE your blog and meta btw 😊**

Aw, thank you! And yeah, it felt a LOT like his act at the beginning of 12.15, being gross for the sake of being gross, deliberately trying to make Sam uncomfortable.

Because I think he believes that Sam is still hiding something from him, and he’s incredibly worried about Cas right now, and the fact that Cas hasn’t returned his calls in “days.”

And heck I just realized the super on-the-nose music playing in the diner while he was flirting with the waitress, it’s called “Music To Watch Girls By”

(After the creepy kid was skeevily watching a couple making out by the campfire while drinking was a song called “Prohibition.” Which I have no idea about that particular song but I’m choosing to read it as an ironic choice considering he was stoned and drunk… which makes “music to watch girls by” ironic by association for Dean since it’s also describing that kid’s activities in an ironic fashion)

and at the end eating his Heaven burger Burgers and Fries by Charley Pride was playing…

[spn 12.18](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.18) [spn s12 spoilers](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s12-spoilers) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [like seriously people google is your friend just go read the lyrics](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/like-seriously-people-google-is-your-friend-just-go-read-the-lyrics) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

[May 21, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160897707560/incoherent-sobbing-so-even-if-jack-does-bring)

41 notes

**Anonymous asked: *incoherent sobbing* so even if jack does bring cas back he's either going to control him (to an extent) or run off with him or be some super-possessive freak and that'LL JUST DRIVE THE WEDGE BETWEEN DEAN AND CAS (and sam) FURTHER APART AND DEAN'S GOING TO FIGHT SO HARD TO GET TO CAS AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THE FINALE HAPPENED. THEY DID : THAT**

EXACTLY. NOT PINING. NOT EVEN ENTIRE FORESTING. DEAN’S GONNA SET THAT FOREST ON FIRE.

[spn 12.23](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.23) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [with possible spontaneous combustion](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/with-possible-spontaneous-combustion) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

 

 

[Jun 5, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/161455180035/general-spn-question-can-angels-still-hear)

22 notes

**Anonymous asked: General SPN question. Can angels still hear prayers? If not, when was this established? Was it season 9?**

[tenoko1](http://tenoko1.tumblr.com/post/161453726273/general-spn-question-can-angels-still-hear):

> Oh Geez. Uh, [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg)? Do you know?
> 
> Yeah, angels can hear prayers, and we know back in S8 Dean prayed to Castiel daily, which it was initially established, not sure, especially since we know angels can mindread, as well as sense something not quite a prayer: longing.

 

As far as we know they can still hear prayers. Even after the angels fell, they heard Dean praying in 9.01 (well, Cas didn’t, because he was human at the time). I don’t think Dean has specifically tried to pray since he found out Cas was human (because Dean was already trying to keep secrets in s9– like Gadreel-in-Sam– and two episodes after Cas yoinked another angel’s grace and would theoretically hear prayers again, Dean took on the MoC anyway and he wasn’t feeling particularly prayerful after that…)

We know they can all still hear Angel Radio in general, and that Lucifer at least was listening in on Sam’s prayers in s11, but aside from that we just don’t know.

[longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [i just threw my longing retcon tag on this because heck who even knows how much they can hear prayers anymore](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-just-threw-my-longing-retcon-tag-on-this-because-heck-who-even-knows-how-much-they-can-hear-prayers-anymore) [but we also know cas CAN feel longing as recently as s10... and that's when he was still working with his stolen grace too](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/but-we-also-know-cas-CAN-feel-longing-as-recently-as-s10...-and-that%27s-when-he-was-still-working-with-his-stolen-grace-too)

 

[Dec 20, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/168758877095/elizabethrobertajones-13x03-13x07-convenient)

101 notes

  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/e547416be8fc934a327936c238ccacd0/tumblr_p19v5wbHoy1tsvn0go1_400.gif)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/48322ef7e2cae0bfb580ffa30fa63882/tumblr_p19v5wbHoy1tsvn0go4_r1_400.gif)   


  
[](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5c9d9060beb368c8cffe4566e7913727/tumblr_p19v5wbHoy1tsvn0go2_400.gif)   
[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cbc122e043391755926ed93f992ea9bf/tumblr_p19v5wbHoy1tsvn0go3_400.gif)   


[elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/168758631228/13x03-13x07-convenient-phone-answering-101-im):

> **13x03 - 13x07: Convenient Phone Answering 101**
> 
> I’m just trying to write fanfic over here but kinda got back to my “LOL James answered the phone immediately because he’s low key psychic” reading via writing about Patience and him, and suddenly realised that this is not the only time we’ve seen this level of “hey I was right by the phone waiting for you to call” this season, and I am nothing if not determined to unpack this gosh darned longing retcon. 
> 
> I have an awful headache when I stretch my brain today though so let’s go gentle, because I nearly wiped myself out wrapping Christmas presents, if you want a measure of my fortitude :P 
> 
> Here’s the text from 10x10 when Cas got the lines confirming it on screen:
>
>> CLAIRE  
> How the hell did you find me?
>> 
>> CASTIEL  
> Angels are able to find those who pray to them.
>> 
>> CLAIRE  
> Pray? Oh believe me, I gave up praying a long time ago.
>> 
>> CASTIEL  
> Well, it doesn’t have to be a formal prayer. I could pick up on a – a longing… Perhaps you wanted to tell me something?
> 
> This “retcon” is basically about  _communication_  and a desire to talk.
> 
> (I kinda think it has always been a way the show handle this, when you go back, and Buckleming just put it into text pretty much at random, since Claire never had angel warding so Cas would have been able to locate her perfectly well…)
> 
> 13x07 is far more blatant and uses Cas, and Dean who has previously and blatantly had this link used. But as I said to [@mittensmorgul](https://tmblr.co/mH08bFF21ewTCayiwIXZEOg) when having revelations at her, finding another platonic example (Claire, of course, being the first time the show ever actually discusses the idea - she prayed to Cas every night just like Dean, huh? :P) is basically like stumbling on someone giving out free cake.
> 
> It is kinda hard to read in the gifs for 13x03 so if you wanna get into this one I’d encourage you to go rewatch because it’s all in the sound effects… In fact I’m having so much brain blech about this let’s just go with the old C&P method from when it made sense the first time:
>
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I’m gonna prove the longing retcon with blood sweat and tears : P
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> they certainly do seem to use it to their advantage, even if it’s not 100% obvious on the surface
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> There’s so much that only really makes sense because of it
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> it’s blatantly a mechanic used in telling the story
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> yeah, and it could very well be that it’s not a retcon at all.
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> yeah
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> Like, it could’ve been in their show bible for years, and bucklemming only made it textual
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I sort of feel like Buckleming just described something out of the lore library the show has
>> 
>> there’s other cases like in some episode with hexbags  
> where the lore on the screen where they were researching it was literally just the description the show would use for the writers  
> it looked like someone C&P’d from the show lore bible :P  
> like what colour it was meant to burn etc
>> 
>> […]
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I just re-watched the bit in 13x03 to make sure I’m not making it up and the sound effect and the lack of ringing before the transition (idk what that sound thing is called) really implies that it started ringing when the phone was only in his hand  
> idk if I can convey it in a gif but I WILL and just say if you don’t believe me go listen  
> what the heck is that thing called where the sound overlaps, which if they’d done the ringing in Missouri’s side would have implied it different to the new scene and then the ringing?
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I watched a whole video on stuff like this because of [floralmotif’s reference post ](https://floralmotif.tumblr.com/post/159219473637/hi-i-just-went-to-see-beauty-and-the-beast-again);P
>> 
>> […]
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAH0MoAv2CI&feature=youtu.be&t=7m25s](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOAH0MoAv2CI%26feature%3Dyoutu.be%26t%3D7m25s&t=MTc4MjA4ODkwMzAyY2MzNWY4ZDgyMmE1N2EyMDA4ZTQwZGY0MDQ5OCxrM3pjaDZmdQ%3D%3D&b=t%3AgQ2jjt29OviG-kJJpyAysQ&p=http%3A%2F%2Fmittensmorgul.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F168758877095%2Felizabethrobertajones-13x03-13x07-convenient&m=1)  
> there’s some stuff about it here  
> aha it’s called a “j cut” when the audio from the next scene starts before you get there
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> I think if they’d done that it would imply that she was already ringing and even if it rings once for not being boring, it’s like “Here she’s phoning him, here he is answering it”
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> and if the ringing only starts when we’re WITH him, it seems like he just happened to have the phone in his hand the moment she dials him and the TV style “only ring once” thing when you’re playing with PSYCHIC characters…
>> 
>> there’s another layer at work :P
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> I mean they could’ve shown her dialing instead, and him just picking up the phone without showing the ring on his end, and it would’ve achieved the same implication that she’d called him
>> 
>> but with less of the “he somehow ~knew~ she was GOING to call him” attached
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> there’s 1 ring on screen after we cut to him and he already has the phone in his hand
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> so that was definitely an editing choice there
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> immediately after she deliberates for a long time about phoning him  
> considering the rules of the longing retcon are a longing to communicate
>> 
>> elizabethrobertajones  
> it’s textbook
>> 
>> mittensmorgul  
> yep  
> Because if SHE dialed and we heard the ringing from HER end while she waited for him to pick up, there’s no “longing” involved.  
> Even if we cut to him with the phone already pressed to his ear answering it  
> but the other way around, the way they edited it, I think they know what they’re doing :P
> 
> Basically I feel like because I picked up on this as a possible nod to James having mild psychic powers of his own (and as a first meeting of the character, why not, AND later he does use a spell to locate Patience, implying he has at least some skill even if he chooses not to use it) it does seem to imply he knew he had to pick up the phone. 
> 
> The previous moment shows Missouri staring at James in her contacts, deciding if she would or would not phone him, and we KNOW she has powerful psychic ability and deliberately reached out to Patience shortly after. She could easily be beaming the desire to communicate towards James because this is the point of those shots - that she is deciding she wants to call him, at great emotional turmoil.
> 
> It may or may not ever be a thing again but the uncanny way James picks up the phone as it seems to begin to ring on screen, already having it in his hand as we cut to him (and my gif starts with the first frame of him on screen) does feel like  _something_  happened there, as I said, given we’re dealing with a whole family of psychics. It was this shot that made me convinced all episode James had powers and wasn’t using them, so it was no surprise to me he found the spell to locate Patience and did it for them. (That and he possibly trades stocks given the work we see on his screen, which, lol. It’s that or casinos, right?)
> 
> I actually think the 13x07 phone moment is more egregious and how the HECK did Cas know to be on the other side of the room from Lucifer and ready to answer his phone when Dean reaches out to him seemingly at random on his side, and to me their connection is blatantly getting implied in the text - and my whole longing tag is dedicated to that, so I’ll stop here and link that :P
> 
> <https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/tagged/pining-not-praying>
> 
> As I said, this parallel is free cake, not the main course.
> 
> [spn 13.03](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.03) [spn 13.07](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.07) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [it certainly makes blatant the longing thing is some sort of psychic connection](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/it-certainly-makes-blatant-the-longing-thing-is-some-sort-of-psychic-connection)
> 
>  
> 
> [Dec 31, 2017](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/169164934270/k-vichan-elizabethrobertajones-13x06-the)
> 
> 1,975 notes
> 
>   
>  [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5d7dc565c2bcb0746de2be719b215667/tumblr_p1ugmu4Aq91tsvn0go4_540.gif)   
> 
> 
>   
>  [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/8791c95d3455e07f3c9b0be9c6780e9a/tumblr_p1ugmu4Aq91tsvn0go3_540.gif)   
> 
> 
>   
>  [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/81b97ded5612751d320df1d785454eda/tumblr_p1ugmu4Aq91tsvn0go1_540.gif)   
> 
> 
>   
>  [ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/675b300bfa31d66002ebbfbdf7d68d92/tumblr_p1ugmu4Aq91tsvn0go2_540.gif)   
> 
> 
> [k-vichan](https://k-vichan.tumblr.com/post/169162685454/elizabethrobertajones-13x06-the-best-thing-in):
>
>> [elizabethrobertajones](https://elizabethrobertajones.tumblr.com/post/169162611416/13x06-the-best-thing-in-2017-was-this-silent):
>>
>>> 13x06
>>> 
>>> The best thing in 2017 was this silent exchange. Top 10 of all DeanCas silent exchanges, fight me.
>> 
>> I still wanna know if this was scripted, and if so, HOW it was scripted. 
> 
> I will not fight you, Lizbob. I will quietly lie down on the floor and just mutter  _cowboy hats_  and  _howdy pardner_  to myself. 
> 
> Translated:
> 
> 1: Wait… Dodge City… it’s the cowboy town…
> 
> 2\. Is my life even real today? First I get Cas back and now if I play my cards right we got a perfect excuse to go play cowboys for a few days… no Dean DO NOT imagine getting matching cowboy hats yet just be cool…
> 
> 3\. *feels avalanche of longing pouring off Dean* *is 100% aware of Dean’s sudden and intense desire to roleplay cowboys with him* Outwardly Cas projects: I have only been alive again for like a DAY Dean and you’re already pulling out the weird fetishes. I shouted down a cosmic entity for this. Inwardly Cas is thinking this dumb squishy human and his weird fetishes is EXACTLY why he shouted down a cosmic entity for this.
> 
> 4\. Dean basically can’t believe there could possibly be a better day in the history of ever and he’s not gonna say or do anything to screw it up.
> 
> [spn 13.06](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-13.06) [i am still not and will never be over this episode](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i-am-still-not-and-will-never-be-over-this-episode) [yeehaw](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/yeehaw) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [this was some grade A premium nonsense right here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/this-was-some-grade-A-premium-nonsense-right-here) [COWBOY HATS omg they're trying to kill us aren't they](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/COWBOY-HATS-omg-they%27re-trying-to-kill-us-aren%27t-they) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor)
> 
>  

[Nov 24, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153627161775/mittensmorgul-cupidsbower-replied-to-your-post)

21 notes

[mittensmorgul](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153623900540/cupidsbower-replied-to-your-post-mittens):

> [cupidsbower](https://cupidsbower.tumblr.com/)
> 
> replied to your post
> 
> [“mittens & lizbob vs the actual friggin sun”](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153621332875/mittens-lizbob-vs-the-actual-friggin-sun)
>
>> The hands thing fits in with this too – Castiel let go of Dean in Purgatory, Dean reconnected Chuck and Amara’s hands to finish the arc.
> 
> *nods*
> 
> *wanders off to stare at a tree*
> 
> *there is too much*

[justanotheridijiton](http://justanotheridijiton.tumblr.com/) [replied to your post “mittens &…](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/153623900540/cupidsbower-replied-to-your-post-mittens)

> a pine tree?

Yes. A pine tree.

*spends 20 minutes pining over pine tree references going back to 8.07, taking a leisurely detour through 9.06 and 11.11, and continuing all the way through s12*

[the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining) [in which mittens gets lost in in a confusing forest of potential references to past episodes and sits down and stares at a tree instead](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/in-which-mittens-gets-lost-in-in-a-confusing-forest-of-potential-references-to-past-episodes-and-sits-down-and-stares-at-a-tree-instead) [funny how that tag is so horribly appropriate here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/funny-how-that-tag-is-so-horribly-appropriate-here)

 

[May 21, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/144727628945/i-could-almost-hear-dean-when-jensen-said-he)

11 notes

**Anonymous asked: I could almost hear Dean when Jensen said "He likes his teammate alright?!" That'd be Dean's reaction if say, Chuck were to press about it (since Dean really doesn't want to tell things to Chuck)**

Exactly. :D

He misses his buddy. His pal. His wingman. His angel face. His… wait. What?

*clears throat*

*drops voice two octaves*

I like having the guy around.

[oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[May 1, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143710802200/this-casifer-thing-is-so-heartbreaking-for-dean)

150 notes

**Anonymous asked: This casifer thing is so heartbreaking for Dean for so many reasons, but i wonder if it's also the first time he's actually been afraid that Cas might die. I mean they've all been faced with their own and each others mortality plenty of times, but i wonder if it's ever hit Dean quite like this with Cas. Cas has always managed to return, but this is a bit different and i wonder if Dean is now letting himself fully confront the fact that Cas might not come back.**

I think he was afraid of that to an extent when Chuck told him Cas exploded in 5.01. But then he showed back up. Same thing in 5.22. I think for a while Dean kind of thought of Cas as invincible. I mean he EXPLODED. TWICE. In less than a year! And came back better than ever each time.

But then he gulped down all of Purgatory and walked into a lake and exploded. And he didn’t come right back. And Dean thought something finally took Cas down, and s7 turned into “Dean Drinking His Feelings, with a side of Dick.”

But lo and behold! Cas somehow came back! But then he decided to stay behind in Purgatory, and Dean was barely living with that decision. But then in a mysterious turn of fate, Cas comes back to him again!

I think Dean was pretty concerned about what happened to Cas when all the angels fell at the end of 8.23, but he was slightly preoccupied with keeping Sam alive, and Cas wasn’t answering his prayers. When he finally calls in 9.01, Dean’s incredibly relieved that Cas survived the fall, but then learns that Cas is HUMAN. Oh my.

I’ve written so much on s9 and Dean and Cas’s interactions during that time, so [I’ll just leave this here](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143122835640/how-do-you-feel-about-destiel-in-s9-and-10-i).

Then Dean was bogged down with the Mark of Cain, then being a demon, and then stuck with the Mark of Cain even after being de-demon-ized again. It screwed with his emotions, almost like he was wearing a mask the whole time he had the mark (parallels neatly illustrated in s11 in episodes like 11.05 and 11.07). It was  _easier_  for him not to have to feel anything at all (which he’d kinda wished for once upon a time shortly after returning from hell, waaaay back in s4).

But now he’s got his feelings back and he’s had plenty of time to come to terms with what’s really important to him. He also, like he said at the beginning of 11.19, knows what Amara does and what she’s capable of, and that she won’t hesitate to hurt or kill Cas if she thinks she can hurt Lucifer that way. So yeah, for the first time, possibly ever, Dean not only has a sincere fear for Cas’s life and safety, he’s also got all his emotional energy focused on that fact (and not distracted by worry over Sam’s safety or his own internal problems). The stakes are so much higher right now from Dean’s perspective, than they ever have been before.

The nice thing is that with all this buildup, there has to be a payoff. Anything else is the narrative equivalent of slowly constructing a giant domino run and some jerk absentmindedly toppling the entire thing right before you set the last domino in place.

[spn s11 speculation](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-s11-speculation) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [castiel winchester](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/castiel-winchester) [oh DEAN](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/oh-DEAN) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining)[Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)

 

[Apr 22, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/143225734800/pining-entire-foresting)

20 notes

Pining.

Entire Foresting.

[destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [heh just found this in my drafts folder and it made me giggle](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/heh-just-found-this-in-my-drafts-folder-and-it-made-me-giggle) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining) [or in this case his entire foresting](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/or-in-this-case-his-entire-foresting) [i'm such a dork i'm sorry everyone](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/i%27m-such-a-dork-i%27m-sorry-everyone)

 

[Jan 28, 2016](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/138241611325/casual-viewer-poll-wherein-i-asked-mr-mittens)

31 notes

Casual viewer poll (wherein I asked Mr. Mittens who he thought Dean could be pining over. And remember, outside of having watched Fan Fiction, Mr. Mittens has never heard the word destiel).

me: just a question, because it’s being debated a lot on tumblr, at the end of the episode when Mildred said she could tell Dean was pining for someone, who do you think she was talking about?

Mr. Mittens: Uh, well, I guess my first thought was Lisa.

me (incredulous): You mean Lisa whose memory he had wiped like five seasons ago and hasn’t mentioned a single time since?

Mr. Mittens: Uh, I guess??? I mean he hasn’t really had a relationship with anyone since then, so… But you’re probably right.

me; Uh huh. But you didn’t think it could’ve been Amara?

Mr. Mittens: *experiences a full-body cringe and makes a disgusted face* Oh god, no. That’s… no way.

me: but you don’t have any other theories about who it might be? (yeah I was leading the witness a little. sue me)

Mr. Mittens: Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about it.

SO MY DEAR PEOPLE OF THE INTERWEBS, here’s the thing. I’d always promised myself that I would NEVER point out the destiel to Mr. Mittens, and would continue to use him as my Casual Viewer Specimen for observational purposes. I mean he’s not unaware of LGBTQ+ issues and such (trust me, we are aware people in this household), but he’s a grumpy old straight man who doesn’t always SEE it, you know? So my dilemma is, has the time finally come where there would be more scientific value to let him in on it, or let him continue to watch without the benefit of that info? AND If I do tell him, how do I even go about it? Just point out that Cas might be that SOMETHING WITH SOMEONE, that many people believe it’s Cas he’s pining for? I mean, this is the PERFECT opportunity to ask that, right? For science? Or would I just be ruining three years worth of perfect scientific study by spilling the beans?

[spn 11.11](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-11.11) [casual viewer stories with mr mittens](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/casual-viewer-stories-with-mr-mittens) [destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [the object of dean's pining](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/the-object-of-dean%27s-pining)

 

[Dec 9, 2018](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/180974395440/idk-if-this-is-old-news-but-is-there-a-reason-why)

49 notes

**Anonymous asked: idk if this is old news but is there a reason why cas doesn’t act on his feelings if he can apparently sense longing? like since dean longs for him wouldn’t he know, so what is stopping him...? (im mostly just hoping this comes into play again at some point) (i guess it’s partly because their lives are constantly busy with the world ending and stuff)**

Yeah, you’re right. They have been rather busy, for like, ever.

But there’s also the fact that despite whatever longing Cas may feel from Dean, there’s the reality of how Dean acts around him to counter that, you know? It’s not like Dean goes all soft heart-eyes when Cas shows up most of the time. I mean, remember Dean’s reaction to Cas turning up at the beginning of 12.19? Dean had been desperately trying to reach him for weeks. One has to imagine the longing was off the charts. But when Cas did finally show up, Dean wasn’t all relief and welcomes. He was  _pissed_.

Kinda confusing to Cas, like the reality of Dean’s expressions don’t match up with whatever silent messages he might be sending.

I think Cas has likely long ago decided that regardless of the longing, if Dean wanted to act on those feelings in any other way, he would have. A status quo has been established, and neither of them seems to want to break it.

[destiel](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/destiel) [spn 12.19](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-12.19) [longing in technicolor](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/longing-in-technicolor) [Anonymous](http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/Anonymous)


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